The 5 stages of grief

Chapter 9: Denial

Sue met us in the doorway to the Clearwater house, her face twisted into a mask of pain as she saw Jacob, what I assumed would be the first time since the accident. Had there even been an accident? I'd forgotten to ask dad how he'd died. That was a big mistake because I did not feel like it would be a good question to ask Jacob. No matter who I asked, I would seem like an idiot, I realized with regret. Sue's expression didn't change much when she saw me hiding behind Jacob – maybe she was too upset - but she padded my back as we passed her.

It seemed, like the Clearwater's was the hip place to hang out, because the kitchen was full of the familiar brown skin, jet black hair and abnormally big males. Claire was in her usual spot - sitting on Quill – while he was slowly stroking her long curly hair. She had just turned ten; I realized and shook my head in disbelief. How could she possibly be ten? She was a toddler! Or had been, I guess. Time passed by too quickly for mortals. Just like with Billy.

Next to Quil was Jared with Kim's head resting on his shoulder and his arm swung lightly around her waist. Kim's bangs were gone and in replace a big mane of hair down her back had formed. She looked beautiful the way her skin stretched across her cheekbones and her eyes were wet and reflected how solemn she was.

Jared looked as old as Sam now, because he had made the impossible choice of not changing anymore. He'd given it up just to be with Kim. She was still older than him, but it was only about 3 year's difference. The things an imprinter would do were insane. I remembered talking to Emily about it, and she told me about how Sam had asked her billions of times if he should give up his wolf self. She'd said no every time, because like me, she knew how much this meant. An alpha should not give up on his pack.

If I'd have to guess, I didn't think Jared had asked Kim if he should stop changing. He'd just assumed it was what she wanted, which it probably was in the end. If he'd asked her, she would like me and Emily have said no. She was a good person, and loved Jared almost as much as he loved her.

Sam wasn't here, but Emily was and so were their kids: Monique and Josh. M.J. - as they also were referred to- were playing on the floor and had grown so much since my last visit. Monique was already 4 and Josh must've recently turned 1½. They both fit perfectly in this community with their russet skin, that despite of their youth looked worn and a bit leathery. Monique's hair haloed her face and she was pretty already. At 14 she would be supermodel potential, just like her mother had once been. Now her mother's face was vandalized by three huge scars. They were a reminder of the danger we all acknowledged, but ignored when were near wolves.

Rachel – Jacob's sister – sat next to Emily with her hand securely placed inside both of Paul's. She was shaking slightly because of the sobs that escaped from her chest and broke the silence. Paul's eyebrows were pulled together and his eyes were constantly seeking Rachel's for some kind of answer. It was useless; she kept crying and his frown deepened.

Jake and I stood in the middle of the room rather awkwardly. They'd all smiled at me in subtle manor, and I felt a little rejected. For some reason I'd thought they would at least have said hi or hugged me. The way Seth had handled it was right, according to me. The way they were handling it was rude. But then again: They'd just lost their chief.

Then Emily spoke in her elegant and now glum voice: "I'm so truly sorry, Jake. Not one of us saw this coming. If we did we would have contacted you. It was so sudden," a sob broke free from her chest, and she buried her face in her hands. Kim rubbed her back and whispered some assurances in her ear.

I wasn't really paying attention to them but to Jacob, whose expression hadn't changed the slightest by her comment or actions.

"Don't be sorry, I'm fine," he said dismissively and smiled. He smiled? What was wrong with him? He wasn't "fine". He was horrible! He was miserable! Why was he trying to man up like this? Because my mind was screaming so loud, my grip on my thoughts wasn't strong enough and I accidently showed him some of it.

I expected him to be sad, to maybe let go of his shield and tell them how sad he was. But no, he only smiled at me and padded the top of my hand with his free hand. I was utterly confused.

The others looked confused too, but none of them said anything. Not even his sister, who had some kind of responsibility now she was the second oldest in the family.

"And that counts for all of you: I'm fine. Don't say sorry." Jacob said as Jared started to say something.

A nod ran through the crowd and then nobody spoke.

Not until Jacob had something to say: "Where's Leah?"

"She's running patrol" Embry said and peeked out from the kitchen where he'd apparently been hiding. My guess would be that the imprinting-mood was just a tad too high in this room. "If you need to say something to her, I can easily pass it on" he added, and stepped in to the living room, volunteering.

"Just tell her to tell you guys that I'm not expecting any of you to run patrol. I won't be anyway" he said. He didn't like going for long without being a wolf, and I knew that, but in this case, things were better if he stayed human for a while.

It would be better for the others too, because sharing thoughts with a son who just lost his father would be devastating. Of course if he really was as happy as a squirrel like he pretended to be, sharing thoughts with him would be like a day on the beach. In fact I'd love to borrow some of his happiness for a time. I was devastated and bewildered.

"I will" Embry answered and leaned against the wall since there were no free seats left.

"I'm sorry for the short visit, but we have to go to the hospital," Jacob said, and out he went with me trying to catch up with his sudden actions and emotions.

He started walking up the road to get to his house and car. I knew what I wanted to say, but the words were stuck somewhere unreachable. In an attempt to get time to talk this through, I suggested something: "What about if we walk to the hospital." He shot a confused look my way. "It's not that far, and I need some fresh air" I was a horrible liar, but Jacob couldn't say no to me without a very good reason.

"Yeah, let's walk" he said and turned to walk straight through the forest instead of continuing up the road. I followed right behind him with my hand in his.

The forest was full of life, but none of the animals dared to come close. We were a threat to them, and their instincts told them to stay away. To be honest I was a little hungry and if a deer decided to cross our path I would probably not be able to control my instincts. So it was good call to stay far away.

When was the last time I ate anything? One day ago? More? I couldn't recall.

Thinking of my hunger made my stomach growl and my throat burn. That was a very annoying part of being a hybrid: Both stomach and throat demanded constant attention. Ignoring it was possible, but not preferable. And we were in the forest, so why not?

Because his dad just died! My heart yelled at me, and then the internal discussion begun. My brain versus my heart. And epic battle that ended surprisingly today: My mind won, but on the compromise that I would ask nicely. "I know it's very inappropriate but I haven't eaten for so long and…" I trailed of, because I didn't know how to end my sentence.

Jacob looked at me as he answered: "Same here. I haven't eaten since I found out," he said to my surprise. "Two seconds." And then he was gone.

The waiting was long enough to remind me of the moment right before I found out about my feelings for him: That day I was joking friendly about how long it took for him. That would seem strange now. I thought about mentioning the déjà vu, but decided not to. He had plenty to deal with already, and thinking of how weird he handled that, well, let's just say it was better to stay quiet.

He came back as the fury wolf I loved more than most persons I knew. His big round eyes looked a little tortured, but when I tried to ask he just shook his big head. I scratched him behind his ear, but it didn't help.

I tried asking again, but got the same shake with the head.

"Killing time!" I yelled to distract myself and started running towards a rapid heartbeat that I - even though I hadn't hunted for months - could tell was most definitely a deer. My favorite food.

I forgot about Jacob, about Billy, about my parents, about myself, about everything! The adrenalin pulsed through my veins and I sped up as I got closer to the mouthwatering smell of blood.

The deer didn't register me before it was too late. My teeth were buried deep in its muscular neck when it looked at me with big accusing eyes. Stupid Bambi movie had almost ruined hunting trips for me. The guilt wasn't that bad, but mostly because I was distracted by the rightness of the blood flowing down my throat and into my hollow stomach.

I drained it in less than a minute and when I was done I padded my stomach in satisfaction. A laugh came from behind me, and when I turned around I saw Jacob leaned up against the trunk of an oak his arms crossed over his bare chest.

"Did you already finish?" I asked, and wiped some blood from my mouth with the back of my sleeve. It was ruined by sweat, tears and dirt already, so a little blood wouldn't make any difference.

"Sure" he said and headed for the hospital once again. "But enough of the fun… I really need to take care of some stuff." The light tone was still there but underneath I could hear the smallest of uncertainty. What he was uncertain about, I was not sure of, but I guessed that it had something to do with Billy.

I caught up with him and took his hand in mine. I didn't show him anything, I just felt the electric sparks that the touch of his skin created. I didn't know if he could feel it too, but I could not see how it was possible for him to not notice.

We were quiet as we walked; only our footsteps breaking branches and crunching leaves on the ground made a small sound. I wanted to ask him about the smiles, but like before I didn't know what to say. I think I opened my mouth a few times, but I always closed it again right away.

"You can just ask" Jake said after a while and I looked at him a little confused. "Just ask what ever question you've been trying to ask the last 10 minutes" Had it only been 10 minutes? I could have sworn it'd been hours.

"I don't have any questions" I lied and sped up a little.

"Please," he said and caught up with me.

"What?"

"You have at least one question for me, don't you?"

"Yeah," I admitted. I would be horrible under torture. One of his glances and I would admit the biggest of lies. "It's just because you seem like… like you aren't… sad… or angry or anything" And there came regret. Why had I just said that? I was supposed to be quiet and supportive, not critical and strict. The assumption that I was the best to take care of Jake in a time like this was not working. I could keep trying, and I would god knew I would, but I would not make any improvement.

He had always been the supporter, and he was good at it: The best. He'd taught me to be patient with life and other people. A thing I'd never told him, but I knew it was him who'd taught me so. His constant patience with me had infected me. I felt a need to say thank you, but realized he knew nothing about my minds recent conversation.

"I am sad" he answered with no hint of emotion, and the topic was closed as soon as it'd been opened. I sighed but kept quiet.

"I'm fine," I heard Jake say in an almost cheerful voice for the fifth time, as one of the nurses asked us how we were "holding up". I was like Jacob's shadow; I hadn't let go of his hand, hadn't said a word, hadn't done anything else than smiling quickly when people greeted us, since we'd arrived at the hospital.

"Good" the nurse said in a sugar sweet voice and smiled a pity smile. If I ever let go of Jake's hand my first mission would be to ban pity smiles by law.

The nurse had followed us down the bright white halls of the hospital. The unique sounds of a hospital buzzed from the walls. Beep, Beep, Beep. It was a bit hypnotizing the way it never stopped. Then she'd showed us into the room and shoved the two chairs we were now sitting in over by the side of the white bed.

She left and silence enclosed the room. I was shifting my gaze between Jacob and the floor, in a quite paranoid way, like I was afraid I was being watched. The truth was I was avoiding looking at Billy. I was afraid it would overwhelm me. That it would be too much, and that I would break down and make all of this harder on his son.

I took a deep breath and prepared myself to talk to Jacob, but as soon as I got the courage, my voice was gone. I wanted to ask him if it was bad, if they had closed his eyes, if he looked dead or if he just looked like he was sleeping.

I could show him the question, but I was afraid it might shock him, in a way that would send him over the edge.

I was having an inner debate as we sat there, in a chair each staring into the nothingness that was the wall across from where we were sitting. It then came to my mind that Billy would never know this; he would never know how his death had broken his son in so many pieces he was going crazy. He would never know that his death was the reason I came home. He would never know if Jake and I ended up together, because he would never wake up, never ever. I felt a tear run down my left cheek and land softly on my jeans; it was too late now, I could just as well sneak a peek.

The picture in my mind had been close, too close. He reminded me of one of the animals I'd drained of blood during one of my hunting trips. The deer I'd killed only minutes ago had looked better than Billy. It was absolutely horrifying. I swallowed the lump that had magically appeared in my throat. Jake heard.

As you can see from the title, the next 5 chapters will be named after the 5 stages of grief, and as you can also see the first is denial. That's why he says he's fine and stuff… get it? That's also why this chapter ends so suddenly: Jacob's emotions change.

I hope you like "meeting" all the Quileute's, and that you like my changes (Jared stopped wolfing, Emily and Sam have two kids and so on).

Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie, Esme and Carlisle will all appear in the next chapter, and I will reveal a secret you didn't know about one of them :D

Review, please. I'm so close to 50 reviews… make it happen, please! :D

I know they didn't kiss or anything, which you might have expected, so if you think that's stupid… tell me in a review :D

Chapter 10(holy toast, that's a lot of chapters!) on Friday :D

Bye!

-The Author