Chapter 11: Bargaining

Before I got further than three meters out of the big white house, I was in the embrace of familiar arms. They were hard as stone, pale as the moon against the dark night sky and cold as Antarctica. They were also too thin to be a guy's, and as soon as my head caught up with what my body had already found out, I started crying of glee.

"Mom!" I managed to say between the sobs. It had been almost a quarter of a year since I'd seen her, I realized. In my desperate attempt of taking care of Jake, I'd almost forgotten my own mother. I wondered how much she knew about my Boarding School experience, because if my dad knew anything she did too.

"Renesmee," she said in an affectionate voice, that she always used when she spoke with me when I was younger.

"What are you doing here?" I asked even though it was obvious and I hugged her tighter.

"I had to see you," she answered. Such a simple answer, yet it somehow explained everything.

"What about Charlie?" I asked in concern of my mortal granddad.

"It's so typical… you can't think about yourself for one second" she said and stroked my hair from root to tip. Again with the hair, if I wasn't in the middle of a reunion I'd joke about it.

I still hadn't gotten my answer and waited for her to answer, because I knew she would eventually. "Charlie will survive. He and Sue will be able to take care of each other, I refuse to be one of those people who live with their parents," she said and pulled away to look at me.

I couldn't help but smile a little. "Yeah, fortunately we don't know any of those people." I said with a sarcastic undertone.

Her eyes opened wide, as she realized what she'd said. We were standing right outside the house where both my aunts, uncles and grandparents lived. She didn't say anything and nor did I. We just looked at each other wondering how we could possibly have survived the last time without each other. I normally told her everything, and now I felt like she knew nothing about me. Like I'd lied to her even though I hadn't.

Eventually I couldn't keep my eyes open and started blinking rapidly. Tiredness overwhelmed me. Last time I slept was on the plane, when every cell in my body ached for Jacob. And here I was, nothing and everything had changed.

I still didn't know what was going with me and Jake. I still felt like something was wrong. Everybody was still hurt, because Billy was dead. I still had no clue what I should do. About everything!

"Have you talked to Jacob?" I asked because he was again the only thing in my easily distracted mind. I didn't really know if I wanted a yes or a no:

My mom's and Jacob relationship was… different. They'd known each other since they were toddlers. Before the unnatural world had any part in their lives, they didn't even know it existed. Then my mom met my dad and things started happening. Vampire loves human girl. That was quite a taboo in the vampire world before my parents met.

Then of course, I came along, and their relationship looked like a rainy day in Forks.

Jake turned into a werewolf and then he was in on the secret too. He was angry Bella hadn't told him, and angry with the fact that she liked "a bloodsucker." If he knew who he would imprint on, he would've killed himself.

My mother conveniently interrupted my thought of Jake committing suicide: "Yes… I tried his house but he wasn't there. Then when we were about to leave," - it was always we, when it was my mom and father: They didn't do anything alone - "we found him sitting in the garage whispering prayers." I felt a stabbing pain in my chest, by the thought of him bargaining with God. "I talked to him about everything that has happened, but he wouldn't say much." She sounded like she felt she had let herself down, because she couldn't crack him.

I took her icy hand, and showed her the picture of Billy in the hospital, because it still haunted my mind every few seconds.

She cringed by the sight and bit down hard on her lip. "I hope Charlie hasn't seen him," she whispered. "He thought about visiting when we left to see Jacob, but now I really hope he stays away."

"Billy's not there anymore," a voice behind me said, and I turned my head to see my dad standing there. I'd been so busy hugging my mother; I'd forgotten my dad would be here too. He continued: "Carlisle had the nurses remove him as soon as he left today."

I sighed. At least there was no way I would see him in that horrible hospital gown. Next and last time would be in a coffin at the church. But I shouldn't think about that. Not until I was staring right down at him.

"I'm so sorry mom, but I have to talk to him…" I nearly whispered and looked past her and into the trees where I would be heading soon. "I love him…" I whispered as quietly as the small wind and looked down in shame.

"I understand, sweetie…" she said and stepped aside to let me pass.

I turned around, gave my dad a quick hug. Then I turned around again and hugged my mum and give her a kiss on the cheek.

Once again I was off. But now I was more determined to make him happy. It was now or never. I wouldn't leave before I'd made him smile at least once!

I could hear a low murmur coming from another room as I entered the small red house for the second time today: A day that was turning in to one of the worst in my life. I looked into Jake's room but found it empty, I then tried Billy's room and found what I was looking for.

He was kneeling on the floor with his folded hands resting on the bed that had once been Billy's. The madras had a little erosion from where Billy used to sleep, and the pillow clearly hadn't been touched since… my thoughts trailed off.

I couldn't see if he knew I was there, but if he did, it didn't stop him. I could barely make out the separate words in what seemed like a prayer. Some of it was Quileute, which made it even harder to understand, but the things I did understand almost made me whimper of pain:

"I know he was old, but that's not how you pick, is it? I mean, it could just as well have been me, right? It's like the wheel of fortune, just without the fortune, or maybe it's a fortune to leave this planet." he mixed some Quileute in it, but it was easy to catch up when he switched back to English "I know I didn't tell him how much I love him all the time, but he knew… didn't he?" his voice broke in the end. "Because if he didn't, could you please tell him. I don't even know if you're there, if you exist, who, what and where you are, but better safe than sorry" I could literally hear him smile.

Then he began once again with the same agonizing vulnerability. "But if you pick randomly, and suddenly I'm up, could you give me some kind of hint? I would appreciate that, and please for the love of God, please, let me go before her. I know it's selfish and wrong, but Renesmee is the only thing that keeps me sane, if she disappears, I don't know what to do." My heart stopped beating for a second when he mentioned my name.

Was I really what he was thinking of when his dad had just passed away? I got a strange feeling in my heart, like getting a thousand volt sent through your body. But in a pleasant way.

I couldn't help it, I craved for his embrace, feeling his body all over mine, and then a memory of our first kiss forced its way forward in my easily distracted mind, our lips winding together, my hands in his hair, his hands on my cheek, collarbone, back, everywhere!

My love-filled limps lurched forward, and my arms threw themselves around his tortured kneeling body. I could feel the adrenalin passing through my body as he jumped up ready for an attack, causing my head to bump against the low ceiling. When he realized that it had been an attack of lust and not enmity he quickly swung me around his body, so I was now cradled against his chest, his arms supporting my body.

"I'm sorry" we both said at the exact same time.

Jacob then tilted his head and frowned. "How long have you been here?" he asked in an accusing voice. The vulnerability was gone.

"I'm not exactly sure" I lied and stared back in fake confusion.

"Since when did you start lying?" he asked and walked out of the room with me in his arms. "Living room, kitchen or bedroom?" he asked before I got a chance to answer the first question.

"Bedroom," I said quickly and felt myself blushing at the word. It felt like we were bride and groom about to celebrate our wedding night. I shivered at the thought, causing Jake to look at me worried. I just smiled, and answered his first question. "Since I started being around normal teenagers"

Using the word normal without including him still hurt him and a flash of pain crossed his face and then disappeared again.

Jacob went for his bedroom and threw me on his bed gently. He sat down on the foot of the bed and lay my feet in his lap, and looked at me with a tiny smile on his face.

"I guess that makes sense, in some way, but seriously, how much did you hear?" He asked and I saw how his features' set in a mask of gravity. The mask reminded shockingly of how his father's had looked when he'd told the legends to me about 6 years ago.

An evening I remembered so clearly it could just as well have been hammered into my mind: The sound of the fire crackling. The shadows from the threes looking like approaching enemies making the stories more intense. The smell of wet dog oozing from Jacob prickled my nose lightly but was still comforting. Billy's deep voice demanded attention even though it was soft and caring. Everything was otherworldly.

I could feel my throat get thick, but I forced it to go away and answered Jacob's question.

"I came in when you said something with God not choosing who dies by how old they are" I mumbled and childishly covered my face with his pillow. He made me so shy in a way where I still managed to be myself. It was an odd sensation, but in a great way.

It sounded like a sigh of release as he exhaled after apparently having held his breath for my answer.

"Why are you so relieved?" I asked and peeked from behind the pillow in an attempt to read his face. It was impossible; he just smiled and shook his head.

"I'm not relieved, I just can't believe you attacked me," he said. I knew he was lying and it bugged me, we didn't lie to each other. Not that I hadn't broken that unwritten rule a million times, but he still seemed to have accepted that.

"Liar" I stated, put the pillow aside and pulled myself up in a sitting position right next to him. I looked at him in concern, but he responded with a shrug. He then rose and went out in the kitchen where I heard the opening of a refrigerator door; our discussion was over, according to him that was.

I walked out in the combined kitchen and TV room and saw Jacob slumped in one of the kitchen chairs with a bottle of water on the table in front of him. I sat down in the chair next to him and for the first time today it was my time to look concerned.

"Why did you lie?" I asked in a quiet voice.

He sighed. "I didn't lie, I just avoided telling you the truth," I was about to say something, but he got started before I opened my mouth. "Besides you lie too. Why is that more right?"

"I don't know…" I said in a small voice. "Because I'm younger maybe. I mean we've always been best friends, no doubt, but you've always been the older and wiser. That's why all of this is so hard to accept," I stopped abruptly, and regretted ever mentioning it.

A long paused followed.

"I was serious, you know… about not wanting to go first." His voice was rough now, because he wasn't hiding his emotions. Emotions that were greater and more violent than anything he'd ever shown.

"I know…" was all I said as my eyes bored into the side of his head. "But we're both immortal, so I don't see, why you're bargaining with God about it," I said in a caring voice.

"It's easier that way. When I pray, it feels like I'm still doing something for him" his voice broke on the last word. "Try to imagine Edward died," I winced and my eyes found the table.

"Can you see my point? Wouldn't you do absolutely everything to make sure he was being taken care of where ever he was? I would." All of his questions hit home like punches from a talented boxer, and he wasn't even looking at me.

I felt my throat get thick with emotion again, but this time I didn't do anything to dismiss it. "Try imagine my face if my father died" That sentence alone did it; Jacob's entire frame buckled and fell to the floor with a sob of agony escaping his lips. I hurried to look if he was hurt, though I knew that wasn't why he was sobbing. I kneeled next to his head that was buried in his hands.

"I'm so sorry, Jake. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been so selfish, please don't cry. I don't know what to say. I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry." I kept repeating the useless words, because no matter what happened I would not be able to take those words back. What was I thinking? I felt my hands stroke his hair soothingly, but how was that suppose to help?

"Why didn't I die instead of him?" he yelled and punched the floor with his clenched fist. How was I supposed to answer that question? Because I love you? That would be a very romantic answer, but I doubted it would help at all.

I wrote Bella into the story even though I've tried to keep her out of it(I'm afraid you won't like her ._.) but you said I had to, and you were right, so I hope you're happy! :D

2 stages to go… what will they be? O_o(I know already, but you don't! ^^ )

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LET'S MAKE A DEAL! If I get 100 reviews by the end of this story(I'll finish it after Billy's funeral), I will write a: "5 years after." chapter! But ONLY when I get 100 reviews!

-The Author ^_^