Disclaimer: Not mine
AN: Thanks for the positive response for the first chapter. This is up quicker than expected due to being home ill in recent days. Enjoy!

-fromtheashes-

By the tenth day after the fire, Harm knew he wasn't being cleared to return to work any time soon as he had developed an infection in his leg and it was more painful than ever. He also had a strong inclination that Mac would have to return to DC and work. Sitting in the doctor's waiting room, he tried to figure out a strategy. Perhaps he could get permission to fly back to DC on the proviso he reported to Bethesda and finish his recovery at home.

The truth was he didn't want to be so far from Mac. While they had had their tearful heart to heart on the bedroom floor five days earlier and while they were emotionally closer than ever, she was yet to tell him she loved him. Something inside him told him that if she was to go back alone the relationship they were cultivating would disappear and he'd never get to hear those words.

When the doctor checked out the wound and had read the obs the nurse had taken first, he shook his head.
"Sorry, Commander, another course of antibiotics for you and at least another seven days leave," said the doctor making some notes. "It seems you have picked up an infection and it needs something a little stronger than what we had you on."
"Can I fly back to DC tomorrow with Mac?" he asked. While Mac wasn't in there with him, the doctor had met her at the previous appointment.
"What will you be doing in DC while Mac goes to work? Who'll be looking after you?" the doctor asked.
"I can look after myself," he said firmly.
"Ideally, there'd be someone with you. Harm, to beat this infection, you need to get as much rest as possible and that means lying or sitting down and not moving to do anything but go to the bathroom," he said, folding his arms.
"I can arrange that," he said quickly, although he wasn't sure how.
"With whom?" the doctor questioned.
"Harriet," he said just as quickly. "She's a great friend; Mac and I are god parents to her children. She'll look after me." Harm knew she would, in a heartbeat; he just wasn't going to ask her.
"Well, if you can arrange something, I'm more than happy to let you fly home. Just make sure you report to Bethesda the day after you arrive," the doctor said, closing the file.
Harm smiled – one down, one to go.

The doctor was a piece of cake compared to the inquisition his mother put him through. She argued, debated the points and then argued some more. In the end, Harm pulled her aside and thanked her for everything she'd done for them, thanked her for how much she'd taken care of Mac, thanked her for being there for him, just like she always had been. Then he asked her to consider how difficult it may be for Mac to return to DC without him.

To that, Trish had no further argument but gave them both a long list of instructions to follow, the top, middle and bottom of the list had the same point – to call her.

Rather than military transport, Frank had arranged to send the pair home travelling first class. When Harm had settled into his chair and Mac was sure he was comfortable, Mac finally sat down.
"That was harder than I thought," she said quietly.
"What was?" he asked, reaching over and taking her hand.
"Leaving your mom and Frank," she replied. "I was thinking your mom might insist on coming home with us."
"I was thinking that myself," Harm said with a chuckle.
"She loves you very much," Mac said, squeezing his hand.
"She loves you too," he countered.
"I know," she replied. "I still find it a little strange but I do like having someone who loves me like that."
"I love you like that," he whispered, kissing her hand.
"Like a mother?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Well, maybe not like that exactly – but I do love you, Sarah MacKenzie," he said, "Very much."
"I know you do," she replied, but once again she failed to find the nerve to reciprocate those words. Mac wasn't sure whether it was a lack of courage or just that she felt she was incapable of loving someone fully that prevented her from telling Harm she loved him too.

Back in DC they fell into their own routine; Mac went to work, visited Harm on her way home, usually stayed over, then went to her own place in the morning to shower and dress and the cycle would start again. Not once did she bring a spare uniform or any other change of clothes, feeling that to do so would create all sorts of questions within herself, ones she wasn't ready to deal with.

Knowing she was already finding things difficult, Harm didn't add to her distress by pushing her on it. He simply pointed out where all the things she needed for the night were and waited for her to crawl in alongside him.

Twenty seven days after they were trapped in the fire, Harm returned to work. The doctor had advised light duties, saying that his body was still weak from the infection and his leg still needed time to heal properly. Hating the fact that he would be doing nothing but paperwork, Harm sucked it up. After all, he was one of the lucky ones. The final death toll in the SoCal fires had been 18; three still remained in critical condition. They would all have preferred a cut leg, medical leave and desk duties to the things fate threw upon them that day.

Warmly welcomed by everyone he met, Harm felt more like a returning hero than someone coming off sick leave. He tried not to make a big deal about it, he didn't want the fuss. All he wanted was some decent coffee, Mac's own brew she made for him at his loft really wasn't the best, to sit at his desk and wait for Mac to have some free time.

Catching sight of the woman in question through his window, Harm watched as she made her way around the bullpen. The first thing which struck him was how tired she looked and then it was how sad she looked as well. Furrowing his brow, his brain tried to figure out if it was the mood that was new or whether he'd just realised it. As she looked up and saw him watching her, he realised her deep brown eyes hadn't really seemed the same since the fires.

"You won't get any work done if you sit there and watch me all day," Mac said, leaning on his door jamb.
"Not a lot to do," he said, waving his hand across his desk.
"In that case, I have some files you can work on," she said offhandedly and Harm nodded. "You mean you'll do it."
"Yes, of course," he replied. "I'm going to spend the next week being a lean, mean paperwork machine – so add yours to the pile and I'll get right to it," he said cheerfully.
"You seem happy," Mac commented as she stepped into his office.
His first thought was to say 'But you don't' but he changed his mind.
"I am," he replied. "I was going a bit stir crazy at home..."
"I came to visit," she said as she dropped into his visitor's chair.
"And it was the highlight of each and every day," he said quickly with a broad smile, lest she think she wasn't.
"But it wasn't enough, was it?" she asked, knowing how she would have hated being home herself.
"It was more than I could have hoped for," he said sincerely. "Thank you for everything you've done for me."
"No need to thank me," she said quickly, finding her feet once more.
"I think there is," he said, standing and rounding his desk.
"If it wasn't for me..." she began but he shook his head.
"Don't go there, Mac," he said quietly. "Not now." He reached out and took her hand in his. "I don't want you beating yourself up about this every time you look at me."
"Can't help it," she replied in a whisper.

Petty Officer Coates, knocking on his door wanting Mac, interrupted their conversation and as Mac disappeared back through the bullpen, Harm scanned the Naval Medical directory and finally made the call he knew was long overdue.

All he wanted was advice and guidance so he called Commander McCool and made an urgent appointment for himself. Perhaps the good Commander could steer him in the right direction, or at least make a time for Mac to see her.

Although Mac thought it odd that Harm left early the following afternoon for an appointment at Bethesda, given he'd been there twice the week before and wasn't due back until the following week, she didn't give it too much thought believing she could have been mistaken or perhaps he had to have a blood test or such. It didn't really matter as she would be seeing him later that night and would ask then.

With no need to wait in the sterile waiting room, Harm was called straight into Commander McCool's office and smiled – perhaps luck was on his side. Sitting in front of the doctor, Harm suddenly felt hesitant; what if seeing McCool behind Mac's back backfired? What if it made matters worse? What if he never heard those precious three words from her?
"Harm?" the doctor called and it was evident she expected an answer.
"Sorry, pardon?" he said, with a shake of his head.
"I asked how you were," she said with a small smile. "But I think preoccupied might be the answer."
"Yes, it is, ma'am," he replied, before relaying the story of the whole fire ordeal and the after effects.
"And what is it you want from me?" she asked, not one for playing games.
"Help...advice..." he said, looking from his hands to her face. "Not just the fire...although that's a major thing at the moment ... but relationship guidance ...or referral to someone for that sort of help."
"Relationship guidance?" McCool echoed. "What specifically are you after?"

Harm thought about it for a moment. What was it that they really needed?
"You know how's there's marriage counselling when things aren't going well?" he questioned and the doctor nodded. "Well, what we need is pre-marriage counselling to make sure we work through our own issues so we don't screw things up."
"Pre-marriage?" she questioned. "When did you and Sarah get engaged?"
"We didn't..." he said quickly. "Actually, we haven't even gone on a proper date."
"And you're considering pre-marriage counselling?" she repeated. "Isn't that a little premature?"

Harm took a very deep breath and spelt out the circumstances as he believed them to be. He spoke of his own life and commitment issues; then he spoke briefly about Mac's believing the doctor may already have that information.

Then contrary to any other thing he had ever thought or said in his life, Harm continued.
"Commander McCool, I am very much in love with Mac," he said quietly. "More than I thought possible...more than I know what to do with. I truly believe she is the other part of me... the one I was destined to spend my life with...the one I can't live without...the one I don't want to live without." He stopped and drew a deep breath. "The thing is I don't know how to be in a functional relationship, one between equals...one where feelings should be discussed and shared."

After putting himself way out of his comfort zone by going to Commander McCool and admitting to his inadequacies and baring his soul; Harm was exhausted and headed home. His plan was to sit on the sofa, drink his herbal tea and re-energise. However, when Mac arrived two hours later he was sound asleep, his teacup sat on the side table, nearly full and stone cold.

Dropping her purse on the armchair, Mac toed off her shoes and jacket before heading to the kitchen and pouring herself a long glass of ice cold water. Padding back to the living room, she propped herself on the arm of the armchair and watched Harm as he lay there. She didn't want to wake him but she did want to know what he'd been up too.

Eventually, Harm stirred, whether it was by choice or after realising he was being watched was debatable.
"Hey," he said with a sleepy smile, sitting up. "How long have you been here?"
"Fifty three minutes," she said, sitting next to him when he patted the cushion beside him.
"What time is it?" he questioned, trying to focus on a clock.
"1903," she replied, settling into the sofa.
"Wow," he said. "I didn't think I was that tired."
"How are you feeling?" she questioned, reaching over and taking his hand.
"Tired...although I think that is obvious," he said with a wry smile.
"Why'd you have to go to Bethesda this afternoon?" she asked and Harm smiled, not much got past Mac.
"I had a very important appointment," he began, taking both her hands in his and instantly Mac's heart began to beat faster. "And it was a pretty tough one."
"Why? What happened? Are you sick?" she all but whispered, gripping tighter.
"No, no," he replied quickly, raising her hands and kissing them. "Nothing like that."

He stopped and drew a deep breath before leaning across and kissing her forehead.
"You know how we want this relationship to work?" he checked, hoping she was still on the same page. Mac nodded. "And you know how neither of us think we can do this without a little help?" Mac nodded once more. "Well, today I had an appointment with Commander McCool and..."
Mac violently pulled away before jumping to her feet, Harm was quick to follow.
"You saw McCool?" she yelled. "What did you do? Tell her all about me? Tell her how it was all my fault? Tell her...tell her...just how screwed up I am?"
"No," he said quietly yet firmly, knowing he was witnessing a panicked reaction. When Mac failed to speak, Harm went on. "I went to ask her for some advice or guidance or referral to someone who could help us...help me ...sort through some things. I did tell her about the fire but mainly I talked about myself."

Mac laughed; the thought of Harm sitting in from of a therapist, voluntarily, and talking about himself just seemed ludicrous.
"What's so funny?" he asked with a frown, it wasn't the reaction he was expecting.
"You...sitting talking about yourself," she said, with a smile she was trying to hide.

Quickly, Harm's frown deepened – here he was trying to lay it all on the line, to right every wrong he'd made in previous relationships, to fight for something he couldn't live with losing, and she was laughing.
"Forget it," he said, with a snarl, despite his best intentions, before stalking into his bedroom.

Mac stood in the middle of his sitting room and dropped her head – she'd blown it, big time, and she knew it. Harm had done nothing other than what he said he'd do. Something she'd agreed to. Something which would have been incredibly hard for him to do. And she had laughed.

Deciding that if Harm could risk it all for her, she could do the same for him, she followed him into the bedroom and found him standing at the window looking into the fading light of the evening. Slowly, she padded across the room and stood next to him, looking at the same nothingness.
"I am sorry," she said, as she entwined her fingers with his as they dangled alongside his leg. "I panicked and I hurt you. I'm sorry."

That evening saw the first of many mini-steps forward. Rather than run, hide or hurt the other, they took the chance to stop, draw a deep breath and renegotiate the path they were taking.

All relationships had the potential to be minefields and both Harm and Mac knew that theirs had more mines than most. They also knew that if they negotiated them well, the rewards would be amazing.