Disclaimer: Not mine
By the time the weather turned cooler and the end of year was in sight, the fires, which had scarred the Southern Californian hills, were a distant memory for all but those who lived through it. For Harm and Mac the memories of the actual day were fading but they were still wading through the aftermath. Both had invested time and energy in counselling, something they conceded, albeit only to themselves, was probably long overdue.

While Mac continued to see Commander McCool, Harm was seeing Commander Paul Robbins. A skilled therapist who was more direct than Harm really liked but still, it was a means to an end and he manned up and faced the weekly hour long walk through his own personal hell. Through late night conversations, usually on one of their sofas, Harm and Mac wouldn't rehash the therapy sessions with each other, preferring to focus on one positive aspect and talk about that.

In the first few weeks it had been about how to open up about themselves in a safe and comfortable environment. Then, they moved onto what impact the fire had on them and how they were coping with it. Recent talks had revolved around what they wanted for the future. While they were devoted to each other and neither had any intention of a life with anyone else, Mac had yet to tell Harm she loved him and Harm didn't push it either.

Aside from their regular therapy discussions, they had spent a considerable amount of downtime with each other. Both Friday and Saturday nights were regular 'date' nights and Sundays were often spent together too. Most weekends were sleepovers, alternating between the two residences, however, the relationship had yet to be consummated. Something which Harm was beginning to think may never eventuate.

That all changed when he arrived home in the early hours of a Friday morning after being away on an investigation for eight days. Not due back until Saturday at the earliest, Harm had negotiated a quick return given that the aircraft carrier he was on had other plans and it was come home this morning or not until next Tuesday, something he didn't want in the least. When the taxi pulled up in the street below, the first thing Harm noticed was a small light coming through his bedroom. While it was a strange occurrence, he was prepared to ignore the anomaly thinking he may have left it on in the rush to leave his loft in the early hours of the previous Thursday morning.

Trying to unlock his door and realising it was bolted from the inside, Harm's concern escalated. Not too sure what was happening but deciding he needed the upper hand, whatever the situation, he left his seabag by the door before heading to the roof and quietly climbed down the fire escape which had an entry point at his living room window.

Not seeing anything amiss from the window other than the glow of light from his bedroom, Harm used the army knife he had on him to slide in between the two panes and flick the latch – grateful he hadn't installed the window alarms he had purchased six months ago but were still sitting on his counter. Easing the window up, he slithered through the gap and found his footing. Lamenting the fact that his gun was locked up in his bedroom, Harm took a few steps towards the closest to get a baseball bat before spying Mac's handbag on his kitchen counter.

As he neared the counter, he realised there was evidence of dishes in the sink and in the drainer, something he never left uncleaned when he went away. Opening the fridge as quietly as he could he saw the leftovers of at least three different takeaway meals, none of which were his. It was quickly clear that Mac had spent more than the one night here.

Wondering what it all meant, Harm went to the front door, unlocked it and grabbed his seabag before closing it and locking it once more. Dumping it by the sofa, he took the three steps to his bedroom before being assaulted by a well trained marine who launched herself from his blind spot and had him in a headlock before she realised it was Harm.
"What the hell do you think you're doing coming in here at this hour like that, Harm, and scaring the shit out of me?" she yelled as she broke the headlock and pummelled his chest. "You're just goddamned lucky I didn't have a gun, Harm. Jesus Christ! Couldn't you have called or knocked on the door like a normal person. It's 0326 in the fricken morning and you come and scare the hell out of me."

Harm arms surrounded her and pulled her closer reducing her ability to cause him any real damage. He let her rant as the reality was she wouldn't have heard anything he had to say. Eventually, she dropped her head onto his chest and sighed as the adrenaline waned.

"In my defence, Mac," he said quietly, pulling her closer still. "This is my apartment. I thought I could come and go as I pleased."

Slowly, Mac looked up as the realisation dawned on her.
"It's your apartment," she said and cringed.
"It's my apartment," he repeated, his hold on her never faltering.
"I'm sorry," she said, trying to pull away but he wouldn't let her. "I'll go."
"No, you won't," he said, one hand rubbing her back trying to provide comfort to them both. "You're going to stay here, in this bed and in the morning we're going to talk this through."
"No, it's alright, honestly," she said, breaking free from him. "I don't know what I was thinking staying over for the night anyway."
"Mac, I know it was more than tonight and, while I would like to know the reasons, I don't mind you staying here whenever you want," he said, holding onto her hand and not letting her break free altogether.
"I feel so stupid," she muttered as he took the small step to close the gap once more.
"Do you want to talk about it now?" he asked, knowing through his counselling sessions that talking about things when the situation arises is better than shelving it for later.
"No," she replied with a quick shake of her head, but she too had gained the same knowledge from her sessions and figured she should anyway. "Okay."

Still holding Mac's hand, Harm led her to the living room and sat on the sofa with her. Turning in the spot to face her, Harm used his thumb to rub circles on the back of her hand.
"Anytime you're ready," he said quietly.
"I missed you," she said very softly. "More than ever."
"I missed you too," he replied, kissing her hand.
"No," she continued with a shake of her head, "I really missed you. I missed our weekend together... I missed being able to see you ... and touch you ... and hold you."
Harm was going to speak to reciprocate those feeling but he realised in time that this was not a general conversation it was for Mac to share her feelings, so he nodded instead.
"And without you around," she whispered, her focus steady on their joined hands. "I couldn't really sleep ... well, I could sleep," she corrected herself. "Just with the nightmares...the ones about the fire." Harm lifted her hand and kissed it once more.
"You've never actually told me what happens in your nightmares," he said gently as her eyes lifted to meet his. "Just that you've had them. Do you think you can share what happens in them with me?"

There was a short, painful silence as Mac contemplated his request. Slowly, she nodded.
"You die... in all of them...and it's always my fault," she started.
"Mac..." He went to interrupt before his counselling lessons kicked in. "I'm still here," he said.
"I know...but not in my dreams," she said sadly. "I kill you in all of them."
"How do you kill me?" he asked, his thumb caressing her face.
"By putting you in danger, just like I did on 'that' day," she said, pulling back and standing up. "And in all of them I'm standing there in some fire ravaged place and you're dead and it's my fault."

Harm's eyes tracked her as she paced around the sofa. They'd had this conversation frequently over the past months. He had thought she had worked through the guilt, obviously he was wrong.
"What will it take for you to forgive yourself?" he asked and she stopped abruptly.
"I can't forgive me until you forgive me," she said matter of factly.
"I've never blamed you," he said, getting to his feet and rounding the sofa to stand in front of her.
"You must have!" she said emphatically. "How could you not?"
"How could I?" he countered, wanting to see exactly what she was thinking.
"I did something incredibly stupid that morning and look at the result?" she said, stepping back from him as he took a step towards her.
"What result?" he asked, taking another step and causing her to step back once more.
"You!" she said gesturing at him. "You were injured...you could have died...you needed surgery...you...you...you..."
"I'm right here," he said quietly.
"You could have died...I could have killed you! Don't you understand that?" she said, her voice rising.
"I understand that," he said as he continued his slow approach to her, each movement forward causing her to move back – something which had never happened before. "I also understand that we have known each other forever and in that time we have continually put each other in jeopardy in the cases we have worked."
"This wasn't a case," she said, unsure why he couldn't see the point.
"We've done more damage to each other away from cases," he said quietly. "I know how much I've hurt you. All the times I should have done or said something about my feelings for you. All the opportunities I had to declare my love for you but never did. All the times I didn't make you realise you were everything in the world to me. And look at the result," he said taking another step.
"What result?" she asked, moving backwards.
"This result," he said, using his finger to indicate the two of them. "Rather than being curled up in bed together we're up at 0400 trying to right the wrongs of a long history together. Had I manned up years ago and trusted you with my heart all this would have been avoided."
"Why didn't you?" she questioned, standing her ground as he stepped towards her.
"Because I didn't know how," he admitted honestly. "I wasn't in a place where I thought I could offer you anything."
"You could have," she countered.
"I probably could have," he agreed, "but I doubt any relationship would have been successful. I didn't know what it took to have an equal and happy relationship with anyone."
"Do you know now?" she asked, once again moving back as he neared her.
"I don't know everything I need but I am very willing to work on it, Mac," he said, taking a small step forward. "I've told you this before...and I'll tell you again, I love you. I love who I am with you. You are the only person in the world to make me feel this way and I don't want to lose it – ever. If you need me to forgive you for the day at the fires, I will, but only if you forgive me for everything I did to hurt you over the years."

Mac's next step back saw her trip over Harm's seabag and end up on her butt near the armchair. Rather than racing to pick her up, Harm fought instinct and stayed where he was and looked at her; after all, it was his approach which had caused her to back away.
"Right now, Mac," he said quietly, his eyes fixed on hers. "I want to come over and pick you up and hold you and kiss everything better, but I need to know it's what you want." For once this was not only about what he wanted, this had to be about what she wanted.
"I want..." she said quietly. "I'll always want you pick me up and kiss everything better." She held her hands out to him and in two swift steps he was in front of her, tugging her from the floor. Wrapping her arms around his waist, Mac rested her head on his chest. Denial was a much less exhausting way to live than being honest and open and it was taking all her energy to fight her natural inclinations and let another human being get so close to her – physically and emotionally.

Dropping kisses on her crown, Harm pressed another kiss to her temple as his arms surrounded her and kept her flush against his body. He shook his head gently – why was 'happily ever after' always so easy in stories and movies?

Exhausted himself, and knowing Mac was too, Harm checked the time on the clock – 0456, he cringed. While he had leave until the following Tuesday, Mac didn't and she'd be heading to headquarters within the hour.
"How about we climb into bed and you get a few more minutes sleep?" he said, releasing one of his arms and walking them to the bedroom.
"Why?" she asked, going up the steps. "I could sleep for hours."
"Me too," he agreed. "And I can, I don't have to go in today but..."
"Neither do I," she replied as he pulled back the covers for her. "I just needed some time and took today as a personal day..."
"Does that mean we can curl up in here and not get out until Monday morning?" he asked with a cheeky grin as he climbed in his side.
"Yeah, it does," she said, scooting over to his side of the bed. "If you can stand it."
"Oh, I can stand it," he said, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her forehead.

Sleep came quickly for both and it was lunchtime before either stirred. Mac awoke first and pulled back slightly so she could look at him. This man was something she couldn't really explain. She never thought she would actually spend her life with someone else – hoped, yes, dreamt, yes, believed, no. The work she had done with McCool had helped her realise she was worthy of such love and adoration but her ability to put her complete faith in anyone, even Harm, was something she was still working on.

As she went to pull back a little further, Harm pulled her closer muttering his love and devotion to her and Mac smiled, the man did love her and she would never tire of hearing him say it. Then it dawned on her that perhaps it was about time he heard it from her. Considering it for a moment, Mac drew a deep breath, it wasn't as if she had never said those three words before – she had, several times. This time, however, she truly meant it. Deep down, she knew this is what love was supposed to feel like it.

As Harm started to stir, Mac propped herself up on and elbow and ran her other hand up his torso and across his shoulder.
"Hey," he said hoarsely as his eyes opened to find her watching him.
"Hey," she replied, leaning in and kissing him gently.
"Sleep well?" he asked when she pulled back. Mac nodded. "Good."
"You?" she asked, her hand moving from his shoulder up to his head before her fingers gently raked against his scalp.
"Very well," he replied, his eyes never leaving hers. He had to wonder what was actually happening here.
"Harm," she said quietly.
"Yes," he replied, rolling to his side and propping up on an elbow to face her, mirroring her position.
"Harm," she repeated as his arm slid across her waist and his hand came to rest on his back.
"Yes," he repeated, rubbing her back, his heart starting to beat faster.
"Harm..." She brought her hand up to his face and her deep chocolate eyes locked onto concerned blue pools. "I am very much in love with you." She smiled as his eyes teared up.
"I love you too, Mac," he said in a whisper, his heart seemingly skipping a beat.
"I love you too, Harm," she repeated before realising she had been the one to say it first. Laughing, she rested her head on his.
"What's so funny?" he asked, pulling her closer,
"I said 'I love you too' after you'd said it – I didn't need too," she said with a giggle.
"For future reference, Sarah MacKenzie, I will never get tired of hearing you say it," he said earnestly before kissing her nose.
"In that case," she said, wrapping an arm around his neck. "I love you, Harmon Rabb. I love you very, very much," she said before stealing a kiss. "I love you more than anything."

Harm smiled and allowed himself to lose himself in her presence and her kisses – who needed food? He was sure you could definitely live on love alone.