Disclaimer: still not mine
AN: I meant to say thank you for all the comments / thoughts about my great grandfather - much appreciated.
It was this tearful scene Harm encountered when he came in to see how long more dinner would be. Stopping at the door, he watched his mother embracing his fiancée as she remained seated at the table. Mac's head was resting on the older woman's chest as her arms wrapped around his mother's waist.
Not too sure whether he should let them have the moment or interrupt, Harm stood in limbo until his mother looked up at him and winked, reassuring him that all was actually well, despite how things seemed. Slipping back out of the room, Harm figured he'd wait and ask Mac about it later.
That chance came as they took a stroll along the beach after dinner. Mac was unusually quiet and Harm was just waiting for her to open up. It was as they trekked back to the house that Mac decided to speak.
"I'm alright," she said quietly as she linked her arm through his. "Just to ease your mind."
"I know," he replied, kissing her head.
"You've been very quiet tonight, Harm," she said, looping his arm around her.
"You've been quieter," he countered, stopping to sit on a retaining wall.
"I'm alright," she repeated.
"What was happening between you and mom?" he asked, pulling her towards him.
"Girl talk," she said, linking her hands behind her neck and stepping between his legs.
"Anything I should know?" he questioned as his lips danced across hers.
"Only that I love you very much," she replied, leaning in to deepen the kiss. "And I'm so happy being with you," she added breathlessly once she pulled back.
"Makes two of us, gorgeous," he replied, kissing her once more as the sun disappeared below the horizon and dusk enveloped them.
A few days later, Harm had his bag packed, ready to spend a few days over the New Year with Mac at the cottage on Hemingway Mountain. Though Mac already knew this, and had agreed to it, she was feeling rather reluctant about it all. True, she had done a lot of work with McCool and Harm to work through the issues with the fires and she had already booked leave to make sure she was able to return to the mountain for the first anniversary services in July, but right now she was unsure.
Harm's first inclination that his arrangements for the day weren't going to plan was when he had showered, dressed and dropped his bag by the door ready to go and found Mac asleep once more in their bed. Only ten minutes ago they had engaged in a rather long discussion about their plans for the day and Mac being asleep wasn't one of them. Still, he conceded, that there was no rush and he'd rather let her sleep than wake her just for the sake of leaving on time.
After he'd eaten breakfast and read the newspaper, Mac still hadn't appeared and he contemplated going up once more. Making his beloved a marine strength coffee, he turned to leave the kitchen when his mother appeared and took the mug from him.
"I'll take it to Mac," she said, turning to leave.
"How'd you know it was for Mac?" he asked, watching his mother.
"I could smell it from the study and there's only one person in this house that drinks it so strong," she said with a smile.
"I can take it," Harm said, holding out his hand once more.
Trish paused and looked at her son. She wasn't sure if he was aware of Mac's reluctance to take the trip to the cottage today. Harm and Frank had chatted about the growth and renewal of the area last night while Trish had watched Mac and noticed her becoming quieter and more withdrawn as the conversation progressed. By the time the men were talking about the government inquiry into the fires, Mac had excused herself saying she wanted to have a bubble bath before bed but Trish saw the tears in her eyes as she hurried up the stairs.
"Is there something I should know?" Harm asked when his mother hadn't responded.
"Let me check first," she said and disappeared from view.
Trish found Mac sitting on the window bench seat, her knees drawn to her chest and her head resting on them, turned to take in the stunning views of the Pacific Ocean. Failing to hear Trish knock and enter, Mac was only momentarily startled when Trish's hand touch her shoulder.
"Harm thought you could do with some industrial strength coffee to help you get going this morning," she said, handing Mac the mug.
"Thanks," she replied, taking the offering. "Mmmm, smells good."
"Only you would say that," Trish said with a chuckle as she sat down next to Mac's feet. "How are you feeling this morning?"
"Good, thanks, and yourself," Mac said automatically.
"I'm very well, Sarah, thanks for asking," Trish replied with a smile. "Now, I'm going to ask you again and I want you to think about your answer, because honestly, sweetheart, I don't believe you."
Mac's brow furrowed and she stared at the older woman.
"Don't believe what?" she challenged.
"I don't believe you are feeling good this morning," she said softly. "Now, call it mother's intuition, or the fact you're still in your nightclothes an hour after you were supposed to leave for Hemingway Mountain, or that you were in tears coming up here last night on the pretext of having a bubble bath, but I don't think 'good' is truly what you are feeling. Now, is it?"
Shaking her head, a wry smile crossed Mac's face, not much got by this woman; she'd have to remember that.
"Where's Harm?" she asked looking towards the door. If anyone was going to interrupt her morning solitude and challenge her about her feelings she thought it would be her husband-to-be.
"My guess is he is waiting on the stairs," Trish said, tilting her head in that direction. "He made the coffee and was going to bring it up but I said I wanted to do it." At the puzzled look on Mac's face, she continued. "I wasn't sure he was aware of your reluctance to go to the cottage today and I thought you might want to talk about it."
"I'm not reluctant," she said with a quiet defensive tone.
"Then what's all this about?" she asked, gesturing around the room.
For several moments Mac stared at the woman in front of her – reluctance wasn't the right word. Sure, she'd rather not go but she wasn't reluctant, she was... she was...
"I'm reluctant," Mac finally admitted, there was no other word that summed it up. "I'm sure it will be fine but I ah... it's hard to explain but it feels like returning to the scene of the crime."
"But yesterday you were talking about returning there for the anniversary and being with Harm," Trish said, confused. "What's different between doing that now and in seven months?"
"Another seven months of counselling," she said with a self - deprecating laugh.
"If you're not ready to go, just tell Harm, he won't mind, honey," Trish said, patting her arm. "I'm sure the minute I go downstairs he'll be running in to see what's happening?"
"I am ready," she said, taking a deep breath. "I may just need Harm to hold my hand a little tighter."
"I'm sure he is more than willing to do that," Trish said with a smile, knowing that her son needed this woman as much as she needed him. "And you know something else, Sarah? I think Harm may need you to hold him just a little tighter when you're there too."
"Why do you say that?" Mac asked, dropping her feet back to the floor.
"Did you know his original plan was to propose to you at the cottage?" Trish asked and Mac nodded. "He sees the place as the something to be celebrated - this relationship has grown from the ashes of that inferno and he wants to go back and prove to you and himself that you've both overcome that day. But the mother in me tells me that despite his plans and his words, it will be just as hard for him to be there...to see the devastation, to see your pain, to know it was the place that nearly took you from him..."
Instantly, Mac was on her feet and to the door, flinging it opened she wasn't surprised to find Harm sitting at the top of the stairs. Rapidly, he was on his feet and Mac threw herself at him. Limbs wrapped around torsos as both clung to the other. Mac had been so caught up in what the fire meant to her she had forgotten to think about what it meant to Harm. If he was prepared to face the mountain then so was she; after all, so long as they were together they could face anything.
The drive to Hemingway was a rather subdued one and neither was talkative. For a while they both tried for the sake of it but soon gave in preferring the realistic silence than the forced pretences. As they neared the foot of the mountain, about fifteen minutes from their final destination of the cottage, Mac reached across and rested her hand on Harm's thigh – the same thigh which bore the jagged reminder of their ordeal.
Looking straight ahead and without thought she traced the scar through his blue jeans, tracking its length, curve, and position perfectly and though she hadn't touched it since she had cleaned and dressed the wound five months previous, it was clear that the permanent reminder of that day was as clearly etched in her mind as it was on Harm's leg.
For a while Harm said nothing, just glanced across at her every now and then as he made his way up the mountain. When he looked over and saw Mac looking at his leg and her hand, his heart broke. Tears had welled up in her eyes and her face bore the expression of pure distress. Spying a picnic area up ahead, Harm pulled into the small car park before parking the car and turning to her.
"It doesn't hurt," he said quietly taking her hand and kissing it.
"I know," she whispered, tears catching her voice.
"Hop out of the car for a minute," he instructed as he opened his own door.
Making his way to Mac's side, he waited for her to climb out and shut the door for her. Soon she was standing in front of him and wrapping her arms around his waist as he leant back on the car. Harm's hand rubbed circles on her back as he rested his chin on her head.
"What are you thinking right now?" he asked as one hand moved to cradle her head.
"I'm thinking ..." she started before lifting her head to look at him. "I'm thinking..." Her answer then came in the form of a shrug; she didn't know what she was thinking.
"What are you feeling?" he asked, changing tact.
"Good ploy, counsellor, but I don't think that's going to get you an answer either, sorry," she said with a wistful smile. "What about you?"
"I'm feeling a little hesitant, maybe a little nervous," he admitted honestly. "I was okay about coming up here when I was going to propose ..." he added, lifting her hand and kissing her ring. "But now, without that mission to fulfil, I guess I'm letting myself feel the stress of that day once more and it has me a little worried,"
Little hesitant...little nervous...little worried... Mac smiled, Harm was definitely getting better at admitting his feelings, even if it was a 'little' bit at a time.
"Well, I'm probably feeling a little of those things too," Mac said, hooking her arms around his neck. "We've lived through many trying and difficult times but rarely have we gone back to the place where it has happened."
"I know," Harm said, kissing her forehead. "That's been more circumstance than arrangement, though."
"I know, but half of me kind of thinks that if we go back to that cottage then you ... " her voice trailed. Could she really give voice to one of her inner most fears?
"I'll what?' he questioned, using his finger to raise her face to his. "What do you think I'll do?"
"You'll remember all the horrible things about that day and then you'll ... well, let's just say you'll think twice about me keeping this ring," she said tearfully.
"I will never, NEVER, think twice about you having that ring," he said, kissing her finger. "It is yours, forever and ever. I will never think twice about having you as my wife; that's forever and ever too. I can't promise you exactly how I'm going to feel going back to the cottage, but it is not going to change my endless love for you or what I want our future to be."
With a new resolve, Harm and Mac climbed back into the car for the short journey to the cottage. As they drove, both took in the green of the surrounds. The fall rains had inspired new growth and where, on their last descent, the trees were blackened smouldering stumps, now they had new leaves in many shades of green. There was the occasional bird and on the last bend before their destination Harm saw a deer grazing off to the left – all signs that life on the mountain was returning to normal.
Once he parked in the driveway, both sat still for a moment before Mac reached for the door handle and opened it; with a deep breath she was ready to face whatever this place brought. The cottage looked just the same as it had last time they were there, picturesque amongst the trees Mother Nature had provided. Once the mountain had been reopened after the fires, Frank had gone up to collect their belongings and hired a team to thoroughly clean and repaint the property. Additionally, he had invested thousands of dollars in fire proofing the house and in reconstructing the water tank – now, if it was used as a place of refuge it would treat its guests far better with steps and a platform built into the tank.
This time, there was no confusion or debate about bedrooms, they would be sharing the master one and Harm deposited their bags by the cupboard. Meanwhile, Mac brought the cooler and some bags into the kitchen, grateful to Trish for preparing food for them; now they only had to heat and eat. While she was putting things away, she looked through the kitchen window and caught sight of the water tank and froze. While there had been work done on it, it was, in essence, the same tank; the tank that both provided them refuge and nearly claimed Harm's life.
On auto-pilot, Mac unlocked the back door and walked towards it. Soon her fingers were tracing the cool, curved metal of its sides as her heart began to race and her eyes filled with tears. McCool had constantly told her there were always at least two options and it was a matter of choosing the one that was best for you. The option begging to be chosen was that of flight, running from the scene and trying to block it out. However, the option best for Mac was to accept it had happened and tell herself that it was all alright and just breathe. So, she did.
"Thank you," she whispered, leaning forward and kissing the tank. "Thank you." Turning around, she was embarrassed to find Harm standing there. "I was just..."
"You don't need to explain, gorgeous," he said, walking over to her and wrapping one arm around her waist, leaving his other hand free to run over the metal. "It saved our lives," he said, patting it. "It's the best argument for all homes having water tanks in their yards, especially out here."
The evening was full of little moments of quiet contemplation and the need for the other to just hold them for a little while. After dining on a baked pasta and salad, they both sat entwined on the sofa. The mountain night air was much cooler than it had been in La Jolla and, if this was any other time, Harm would have built a fire in the fireplace and sat back and watched the flames crackle and the wood burn, but not this time; this time, shared body heat and an old quilt would have to do the trick.