Title: The Truth About Alfred
Author: Takebuo Ishimatsu
Pairing(s): Wally/Dick, Conner/Tim
Summary: The man's really an angel in disguise. Or some sort of god. Or both. In other words, the tale of how Wally totally failed at getting Bruce's permission to date Dick. Sequel to Batsnipers, Power Grids, and Kryptonite Machetes. Side of Conner/Tim.
Warning: Miner sfor the new stuff going on in the Batman universe.
Disclaimer: No clue where this fits into the comics. I'm just gonna say I don't own any DC characters.
"Hey you lazy bum, don't you think it's about time to rise and shine?" Wally joked, gently shaking Dick while at the same time trying to pull his covers off.
The brunette just moaned pitifully and buried himself further into his pile of pillows.
"Five more," he whined just loud enough that Wally could make the words out through his fortress of fluff.
The speedster snorted, "Hate to break it to you, but I don't think five minutes is going to do you much good by this point."
Peeking out from his hiding place, Dick smirked, "I never said five minutes."
Flash sighed dramatically. "I didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice!"
Faster than Dick could even comprehend the sentence, Wally zipped around the room, tugging and pulling with both speed and force until he came to rest next to the bed, arms crossed smugly. On the nearby dresser, the bed's dressings were folded and piled up neatly.
Dick buried his face into his lone pillow, left by the Flash in a moment of compassion, and rolled onto his stomach. Wally appreciated the view, even if the scars still made him wince from time to time.
Carefully, Wally crawled back onto the bed and laid himself directly on top of his equally nude lover. Licking his neck, blowing in his ear, and generally being otherwise annoying got him a dark glare, which he kissed away easily.
"What time is it?" Dick finally moaned, realizing that Wally wasn't going to go away and let him sleep until the sun went down. It'd only taken seven minutes – a new record!
"Noon, my sleeping beauty."
"Bats are nocturnal," Dick muttered.
Flash snorted, "Well, last time I checked, Nightwings aren't bats. Actually, what is a Nightwing? Do you even know? Personally, I think it it sounds like a type of lemur, but-"
Dick began trying to beat him to death with his pillow, and Wally started laughing as he tried to fend him off.
"Hey! It's a compliment! Lemurs are cute!" he yelped, yanking the weapon away before the big, bad Nightwing busted the poor thing.
Dick snorted and rested his head on Wally's chest, having lost his dear feather-filled friend to enemy hands. Wally tossed it across the room, knowing from experience that you had to take away your Bats' toys quickly if you wanted to maintain any hope of survival.
"Don't go to sleep on me again, Bat Brat. I actually have something I wanted to talk to you about."
Dick just raised his eyebrow, apparently too relaxed to offer a real reply.
Wally sighed, "Look, to put it bluntly, I've had a certain flyboy come begging me for assistance. Something about being turned into KFC, power grid style?"
He gave Dick his best Look, which was nothing compared to the Looks Dick had learned from his adoptive father, but he hoped it was at least cute enough to earn him a sympathy answer.
Dick scowled and pulled away, getting up to start his routine morning exercises. Flash really appreciated the view this time.
"So, he came whining to you, huh? Asked you to convince me to let him molest my little brother?"
Dick's voice had a decidedly dark edge to it, the kind usually reserved for interrogating criminals. Flash sighed, seeing that perhaps his task wasn't as easy as he'd made it out to be to poor Supey.
"It wasn't like that. He just came asking for advice. You know, wondering how I survived the ordeal and everything. It's not easy dating a Bat Baby," Flash gave Dick a pointed look at the last sentence.
"It was different with us, we were slower. More careful."
"You tried to have sex with me in the Batmobile! While it was still in the Batcave!" Flash pointed an accusing finger at the other, and Dick smirked at the memories.
"Exactly, even with me being more...outgoing than Tim, we still didn't do anything for over a year. Conner's going way too fast."
"We didn't do anything because I was convinced, and still am today, I might add, that Bat would cut me up into little pieces and feed me to Catwoman's buddies. The only reason we're even together right now is because you forced yourself on poor innocent me," Flash said with a dramatic pout.
Dick rolled his eyes, "You didn't seem to mind at the time."
"Yeah, it was sweet, except for the whole me-hiding-in-my-closet for three days afterward."
Dick took one look at his horrified face and busted out laughing, "It wasn't that bad."
"Dude, I didn't even go to school the next day! And that all happened a year after I practically got down on my knees and begged permission to date you."
Dick raised an eyebrow curiously, "You seriously asked permission?"
" Man, worst experience of my life, and that includes that time I got swapped with Lex Luthor."
Dick paused in his workout to lay back down next to the other, "I've got to hear this."
Wally gave him a calculating look, or, at least, as calculating as the Flash could manage, "All right, but you have to promise to take it into consideration when dealing with Conner."
Dick gave him a look as if he'd just swallowed something sour, but he nodded nonetheless.
"Ok, well, it was that night you had to help Mr. Peterson with setting up the science fair..."
THIS WOULD BE A LINE BREAK, MATEY. YEP, STILL BREAKING THE LINE HERE.
Wally fidgeted in front of Wayne Manor, once again reaching out to ring the doorbell before he suddenly got cold feet and darted away. Sitting in his room seconds later, he took a few deep, relaxing breaths.
"You can do this Wally. You know you can. It's all for Dick. He's worth it," he took a large inhale before taking off again. Arriving at Wayne Manor for the seventh time that night, he exhaled dramatically.
"Ok, here we're go," he raised his hand to ring the doorbell before a cold sweat came over him. "I can't do this."
He turned to run off again when the door opened, and he was jerked inside by the back of his shirt.
Startled, he whipped around to find himself face-to-face with the star of his nightmares for the past few weeks.
Leaning down, Batman, in Bruce Wayne guise, glared at him and hissed, "Stop. Doing. That."
"Yessir," Wally yipped out, giving him a salute.
Crossing his arms, Bruce gruffed out, "Dick's not home." He gave the speedster a pointed look that told him that was his cue to leave and not come back.
"Um, I know. I was actually here to see...you."
Batman raised an eyebrow, "I'm listening."
"Well, I- you see, the thing is, um..." the boy known as Kid Flash began fidgeting again.
God, why had he thought this was a good idea again? Oh, right, Batman would smother him in his sleep if, no when, he found out his innocent little bird was being molested by the evil meta.
Which was totally a lie! Dick was the one trying to molest him! Of course, trying to explain that to the goddamn Batman...
"I'm waiting," Batman said with narrowed eyes.
...not such a good idea. Right.
Taking a deep breath, Wally opened his mouth to speak, then caught a glance of Bruce's unamused look and exhaled and took another deep breath. Then another. And one more after that.
"Wally, did you break something again?" Bruce asked dangerously.
" No! Of course not, Bats! I love all of your stuff and I would never, ever, ever hurt anything that belonged to you."
Bruce raised an eyebrow.
"That time with the Batcopter was a rare accident. And that other time with the jet-pack was partially Big Blue's fault, I swear."
Bruce's expression grew dark, hinting to Wally that he and the Boyscout were having another one of their infamous spats at the moment, "I can believe that."
" So, you see, aside from a few minor...incidents, I treat your stuff very nicely. And if you were to loan me something, uh, no, that doesn't sound right," Wally paused. The last thing he wanted Bats thinking that he saw Dick as some sort of possession, even if Batman notoriously proclaimed everyone in his sphere as "belonging" to him. "I mean, if you were to...let something out of your bubble, and into mine, I would treat it very, very well. Cherish it. Maybe even worship it."
Seeing Batman's patience growing thin once again, Wally finally just spoke his peace before the other snapped and tossed him out on his butt.
"Ok, I guess what I'm trying to say is...Mr. Wayne, I, Wallace Rudolph West, would like formally ask your permission to date your ward, Richard Grayson."
There was a painful silence before Batman growled out a harsh, "No," and opened the door for Wally to leave through.
The speedster's mouth dropped open, "What?"
Bruce gave him a stone cold look, and Wally shook himself out of his stupor, "I mean, uh, please?"
"No," Bruce responded with a little more force than before.
"Well, um, maybe I'll try again later, when you're in a better mood?" Wally joked, still not believing that his dreams could be crushed so indefinitely.
Batman gave him a dark smirk, one which Wally was certain was reserved to rapists and murderers, "This is my 'better' mood."
" I could prove myself to you in some way? Show you my, uh..." Wally floundered for something, anything that might do the impossible and change Batman's mind. What in the world did Batman value? Oh, right, "crime fighting skills?"
"I think I've seen enough already," Bruce said in a disapproving tone, and Wally just knew he was remembering the time with the jello. Honestly, that had been Dick's idea, but no way was he telling Bats that.
Bruce gave a pointed look at the open door.
" But, but, WHY?" Wally cried. Continuing before the other could answer, he added, "I mean, if it's something I can change, tell me and I will! I swear! I love Dick, I really do! I'll do anything for him!"
Batman, unsurprisingly, looked less than impressed with his declaration of undying devotion.
" You're sixteen, and while older than Dick," Wally resisted the urge to huff. He was only two years older! "you're still just a child. You don't know the meaning of the word love."
Wally opened his mouth to point out that sixteen was apparently old enough to know the meaning of serious criminal-butt-kicking, but Bruce cut him off, "And in order to 'change' for my approval, you would have to change everything you are."
"What?" Wally whispered, already knowing he wasn't going to like the answer.
" You're immature, loud, borderline idiotic, rushed-"
"Master Bruce," a stiff voice cut through Batman's scathing character assessment, stopping the Bat cold. Wally had to admit, even in his distress, the power of The Alfred made him smile a little.
" While I doubt that is an accurate portrayal of all of this young man's personality, even if it was, I do not think that your observations would quite match up with Master Richard's. In fact, if I may be so bold, sir, I do believe your ward sees him in quite a different light altogether. I find it admirable that he has come to ask your permission at all. Few today are so courteous."
Alfred gave Bruce, his master, but also his surrogate son, a Look. Batman gave him a scowl in return and Wally was left darting his eyes back in forth between them as they appeared to be having some sort of epic battle with the sound turned off. Eventually, the butler seemed to win (as if there was ever any doubt) and Bruce deflated enough that Wally was no longer in fear of being physically thrown back to Central City.
Suddenly even more serious than before, Bruce slammed the door shut and started taking slow, dangerous steps towards the speedster. Terrified, Wally backed up until he hit what felt like a statue.
Looming over the boy, Batman hissed out, "You may have a trial run. With rules."
Wally gave him a shaky smile, "Whatever you say, Bats. Uh, I mean, sir."
"One, all 'dates' must include either another party or a chaperon present. Or both. I will approve the place and time. Two, your 'relationship' will not become public knowledge. I do not want attention being drawn to Dick or myself. Three..."
"...Twenty, you will not run around in your costume in my town. Metas are not allowed in Gotham unless I call them. I won't be calling you. And lastly, Rule Number Twenty-One," Wally sighed in relief, having just had practically his whole life re-arranged to fit into one of Bruce's Batbubbles.
Really, he'd probably have had more freedom with Dick if they'd just stayed friends.
Batman seemed to become even more frightening, if that was even possible, and he whispered almost seductively, as if daring Wally to break Rule #21, "You will not touch him sexually. In any manner. Ever. This includes kissing. I will know if you do."
Wally gulped, the memory of Dick pressing him down onto his bed in Titans Tower coming to mind suddenly, which had been the reason he'd wanted to ask permission in the first place.
"Uh, sir, what if Dick touches me?"
Bruce's dark gaze started to scathe him almost as if it was real heat vision, and suddenly Kid Flash was gone.
Sitting there panting on his bed, Wally was suitably certain that he'd never run so fast in his entire life and he doubted he'd ever have reason to again. Nothing in the universe could quite match the terror that was an overprotective Daddy Bat. He was probably going to have nightmares that night. No, every night. Until he graduated college, at least.
Still, laying back on his bed with his hands behind his head, he decided it'd been worth it.
THIS WOULD BE A LINE BREAK, MATEY. YEP, STILL BREAKING THE LINE HERE.
"Ah, my hero," Dick leaned over to smooch him on the jaw, "Fought the dragon for my sake."
Wally rolled his eyes, "Do you see now? He was awful and that was with me asking permission. And being rescued by Jeeves. And you didn't have any brothers."
Dick sighed, "Ok, you're tragic tale of love almost lost, might have been convinced to go easy on the kid. But I'm borrowing Bruce's rules."
Flash's lips twitched, "Even Rule Number Fifteen?"
Dick smiled, "Especially #15."
"I don't know, D, that seems a little on the nutty side, even for a Bat."
Dick pinched him playfully, making Wally yelp.
Ah, Fifteen, the rule saying that Kid Flash had to check in with Bruce after every outing, whether it'd been as hero or civilian, and tell him every single thing that happened, as best as he could remember. Really, even at the time, Wally had figured it was just another way for Mr. Super Paranoid to keep his little chick in his nest where he could protect him, but he'd still complied without protest. Even then, an excepted member of the Batfamily (finally), Wally still called up his lover's father every once in a while when something had happened that he felt the other might like to know.
He figured it was always good to keep the in-laws happy. Especially when they were known for throwing people off of buildings and catching them with grapples. Line might "accidentally" snap one day, after all.
"Guess I'll have to cancel my Kryptonite arrow-making session with Damian. Pity. I think the kid was really looking forward to the brother-brother bonding time."
Wally snorted and murmured, "Violent little punk."
Frowning as an idea suddenly came to him, Wally asked uncertainly, "Uh, he's not going to try to do something to me, is he?"
Dick actually seemed to think about that, which in itself made Wally worry, "No, I don't think so. He can get jealous at times when it comes to Bruce and me, and now even Alfred, to a certain extent, but I don't think he'd get quite as vicious with you. The thing with Conner was mostly my fault."
Wally raised an eyebrow and Dick had the decency to blush, "I may have implied that it would make Bruce and me very happy, and Tim very unhappy, if Conner were to keep his distance."
Wally just rolled his eyes, used to the "evilness" of the Bats by then, "What are you going to tell him to make him back off?"
Dick gave him a wicked smirk, "Back off? If Superman's clone can't handle a baby Robin, he's not good enough for my brother."
Wally tried to feel bad for poor Conner, really, he did, but it mostly came out as him feeling lucky that Dick had been the first. Damian my be a spoiled brat, but he was still a ninja. A Batninja.
Poor, poor Conner.
AN: Don't know if I like all the punctuation in this. Oh well...whatcha think?