Trials of the Heart
Chapter 4 - Breakdown
The house appeared to be empty. Ruth was relieved to have her key shoved, down of all places, her bra. She blushed slightly as she removed it and unlocked the door letting the pair of them in and River immediately headed straight out the back door to see too Millie.
Ruth wasn't sure if anyone would be home or not. She had no idea who had stayed at the hospital and who hadn't if Ellie or Leila would have gone to seek the comfort of their friends or if, god forbid, Ellie had tried to find their drug addicted mother again. Unsure of what to expect Ruth entered warily.
The usually bubbling house was silent and dark. The only noises can from the clock in the living room which was ticking loudly, Ruth decided it was a bit like the heart beat of the house, showing it was still alive despite its appearance.
Ruth flicked on a few lights and set about preparing some tea for River still in her wedding dress. Part of her thought that if she didn't remove it then when she woke up in the morning it wouldn't be real although that logic was always going to be slightly unrealistic.
She set the plate of spaghetti on toast on the table in front of River who was waiting patiently. As River ate Ruth leaned back against the counter and watched the child eat, her own stomach was still churning horribly so she didn't feel like eating anything herself.
"Why don't we get you ready for bed then you can sit and read for a little bit and get some sleep?" Ruth suggested as River finished her food and looked up at her.
"Ok." River replied guessing that Ruth's suggestion had been more of an order than a suggestion.
Ruth helped her upstairs and picked out a freshly laundered pair of pyjamas. She waited whilst the small girl changed then gently tucked her in.
"Sleep tight." She told her gently kissing her on the forehead.
River's eyes flickered shut as exhaustion took over.
Ruth sat and watched her for a few minutes gently stroking her hair before she headed downstairs and collapsed on the sofa in the dark living room. She kicked off her shoes and lifted her legs up hugging her knees tightly to her chest. She rested her chin on her knee caps and let herself slip into her thoughts.
The last hint of sunlight had disappeared from the window leaving Ruth in almost complete darkness, lost in her thoughts. She was only snapped out of them by the door creaking open. She looked up like a deer caught in the headlights as Jay stumbled in looking white as a sheet and rather drunk. He fell into a chair reaching up and holding his head in his hands.
"Jay?" Ruth asked carefully unsure if he would yell at her again "Are you ok?"
"Not really." he slurred through his hands
"Do you want to talk?" she asked making it clear she had no hard feelings about how he'd treated her earlier.
"Not really." he mumbled "I cant even think straight." he was suddenly sobbing Ruth climbed off the sofa and settled herself on the arm of his chair wrapping her arms around him gently.
"Sorry." He said suddenly his words slurring slightly "This is the worst. Without Nan… Everything, screwed up. Me. Not good enough. Family. Cant."
She held him as he sobbed. It took half an hour for the sobs to slow and soon he had fallen asleep in her arms just like his little sister had only a few hours earlier. Ruth felt slightly guilty for being so angry with him, she knew he was struggling and she knew the nastiness was another front. A front a little too much like her own.
Ruth tucked she sleeping Jay in under a blanket and was about to head upstairs deciding she too should get some sleep when the front door banged opened and Leila's voice echoed through the hallway.
"Ellie for god sake I have every right to want to go over to my boyfriends! Who do you think you are?" Leila was yelling
Ruth stepped out into corridor to see the two sisters glaring at each other
"Your part of this family maybe you could just stick around and make it feel like you are!" Ellie yelled back "Jay is being an idiot and the last thing we need is you to start acting like one too!"
"Like your so perfect!" Leila grabbed her sisters arm pulling it roughly and gesturing at the scars.
"What is going on?" Ruth asked stepping out of the shadowy door way to the living room
"Why don't you keep your nose out?" Leila asked "This isn't your family, This isn't your business."
Ruth was immediately hurt my her words. Granted she didn't know her as well as Ellie or River but she had always been nice to her. She had slowly become part of the family and it hurt to hear Leila say those words.
"I'd rather Ruth was my sister than you." Ellie announced turning on her heel and running up the stairs.
Ruth suddenly felt a rush of affection for the younger girl.
"Leila I know I'm not really part of this family. I know I'm a bit of an intruder but even I can see that Ellie, River and Jay need you." Ruth told her angrily "Running away from your problems will never solve them. Believe me I know."
"I don't care about your pathetic problems and right now I don't care about this family. I'm leaving." She stormed upstairs leaving Ruth shocked.
She returned seconds later with a suitcase and left the building without a word to Ruth who was still stood in the hallways trying to get over the shock of how insensitive and uncaring she was being.
Her heart fell as door slammed and she suddenly thought about Ellie upstairs. Ruth climbed the stairs warily unsure about how the collapse of her Nan could have effected the poor girl who she knew was still struggling with the urges to cut on a regular basis without something like this to push her off track. As she reached Ellie's attic bedroom door she took a deep breath unsure of exactly what state she would be in.
"Els?" Ruth asked gently as she knocked on the door and opened it
Ellie was sat with her knees close to her chest sobbing into her pillow. Ruth noticed an ominous red stain on the pillow as she approached and a razor lying haphazardly on the bedside table. She sighed sadly knowing what she was about to see.
"Ellie sweetie are you alright?" Ruth asked carefully sitting down next to her
"I cut." Ellie mumbled into the pillow.
"Oh Els…" Ruth said putting her arm around the younger girl
"I want her to be ok!" Ellie sobbed "But I don't deserve her to be ok, I'm so weak.."
"You are not week sweetheart." Ruth told her sadly "and you deserve all the happiness in the world."
"Leila hates me and Jay told me to just go cut myself." She cried
Ruth was suddenly appalled by her fiancés behaviour once more, he knew how hard his little sister had been working to beat her problems but he had said that. As for Leila. Ruth thought her behaviour was unacceptable and selfish.
"I shouldn't have yelled at him for not letting me see her, I know I asked for it…" Ellie told her interrupting Ruth's thoughts
"He's hurting a lot and I don't think he quite knows how to deal with everything." Ruth explained "I've had him screamed at me and crying in my arms within the space of hours." she sighed "And Leila doesn't hate you, she's just being extremely selfish. I've already given her a piece of my mind about how she should be here."
"Its all my…" Ellie started
"It is not your fault." Ruth told her predicting what she was going to say "But you need to stay strong sweetie, I'm always here and you know you can talk to me ok?" Ruth hugged her closely
Everything was slowly crumbling around her and it wasn't a feeling that Ruth liked after becoming so used to having some stability for the first time in her life.