Trials of the Heart
Chapter 6 - Unanswered Questions: Jay
Beep. Beep. Beep
Jay had never been very good at time keeping. He always forgot the date a sneaky look on the computer was usually needed to make sure he was writing the correct one on the patients notes. But today the only reason he knew it was Wednesday was because he had read the untidy notes on the board at the end of his Nan's bed.
It was hard to believe it had been five days since the disastrous wedding. A pang of guilt shot through Jay's chest as he thought about the wedding and Ruth. He hadn't exactly been the nicest person to be around recently.
He knew she had been here. The small cuddly bunny that had appeared in the bed suggested that the night before whilst he had been in the pub Ruth had brought his youngest two sisters to visit. A part of him was furious. He didn't want them to experience a place like this, he didn't want them to see her like this. That was why he had refused to let Ellie and Leila in. But then he respected Ruth's decision. It could, Although he didn't want to admit it, It could be the last time they may get to see her full stop. He decided to keep the anger in and let it slip. Neither of the girls had seemed particularly distressed by the visit when he had seen them the night before but then again he wasn't at his most observant after several pints.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Jay was beginning to find the Rhythmical beeping of the Machinery keeping his Nan alive relaxing. The gentle rise and fall of her chest, the roar of the breathing machine and the beeping of the monitors made him feel secure. It was like they were telling him she was still here, still alive.
He had been coming to see her for a good ten hours of each day if the days since she had been in ICU. He wanted her too alone for as little an amount of time as possible but that didn't stop the need to go for a drink and forget everything for a few hours, maybe even get a better nights sleep. He felt ashamed of himself for his behaviour and the amount he'd been drinking recently but his mind buzzed constantly when he was awake and the alcohol was a good way to lull his thoughts and relax before getting some well needed sleep in the comfort of his Nan's bed.
Sighing sadly his eyes flickered from the breathing mask to the drips keeping her alive, She was a very important person to him. It was horrible to see but he wanted to be there. He needed to be there. She had pretty much single handily raised him and cared for him. He just couldn't imagine his life without the older lady.
Well actually that was a bit of a lie. He could.
Cold streets, Dirty old men, Needles, Pills and Booze came to mind as he imagined growing up with his mother in charge. Not a single nice thought floated to the forefront of his mind.
He owed a lot to her. He and his sisters took a lot for granted and he could see everything falling down around them without her there. But his number one priority at the moment was her. She consumed every one of this thoughts. He hadn't even thought twice about who he hurt in the process. The fear of losing her was so intense it was the only thing he could focus on.
It consumed every cell of his body. He needed to be stronger. He always knew one day he would lose her. He just never thought of it happening so soon. As he looked over her frail form he suddenly was hit by the realisation as to how old she actually was and how stressful her life had been.
A lot of that stress had been caused by him. He had decided that the very first night she had been in ICU. He was one of the main reasons for her heart attack. The stress of looking after him, keeping him in line when he misbehaved could easily have made her collapse before her time.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
A small curly haired boy was running around like a lunatic his arms held out like an aeroplane. A few feet further down the road stood a wise looking woman, her hair was beginning to grey and her eyes clearly showed panic as he young charge moved further away.
"Jamshid! Jamshid Faldren get back here right now!" she yelled as he jumped on a bench and jumped back off again making a whirring noise.
He ran flat out at the road and she turned white as a car came around the corner.
"Jamshid!" She screamed, she stopped dead and the car knocked him to the ground as it came to a screeching halt.
Luckily the driver had seen him and slammed his brakes on in time. She ran to his side and helped the now crying child up examining the scrape on his elbow worriedly.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Yes he had caused her a lot of worry and hurt in the 27 years he had been alive. He traced his fingers across her cheek sadly.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
"Twenty three bottles of beer on the wall twenty threee bottles of beeeeeeeeeeeer!" Jay sang jollily
"Jamshid?" His Nan's voice could be heard from the top of the stairs "Jamshid get to bed now!"
"Nah I'm enjoying myself too…" His words we cut short as his swaying dance caused him to stumble and fall down the four steps he had managed to climb.
"Jamshid!" She said worriedly running down the stairs her heart in her mouth.
"Blood wall attacked me!" he complained
"You idiot!" She complained whacking him with her slipper
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Trouble was his middle name. Something he couldn't shake. All those times when he caused his Nan to worry, he wondered if he had contributed to the state she was in now. Could he have stressed her out so much he had made her heart weak? He wasn't sure.
Had he caused this?
Could he have dealt better?
Did she regret taking him in?
When would she wake up?
Would she wake up full stop?
He had so many questions. But they would be to remain unanswered. For now anyway.