Trials of the Heart
Chapter 7 - Masking the Truth: Ellie
Ellie ran her fingers along the bars of park fence as she scanned her surroundings for any sign of someone she knew ready to flee if she did.
She wasn't really avoiding them as such she just didn't feel like being around anyone right now. Anyway most of her friends home right now. Revising. She should be too but she couldn't focus. Her young mind was buzzing with thoughts.
Looking after River all day had taken it out of her, the little girl had persistently wanted to play hospitals for almost the entire day. She had been extremely relieved when Ruth had arrived back and taken the opportunity to slip out for some space.
Her mind was so confused. The self hatred which pulsed through her veins grew stronger each day, the need to feel that sharp pain as the blade slid across her skin over powered her at times and she would find herself reaching out, picking it up and doing it in spite of herself, feeling extraordinarily guilty afterwards.
It was like a drug. She needed it. She needed to feel the pain as the blade scrapped through her skin, she needed to watch the skin separate and see the blood bubble up and begin to dribble down her arm. Such a sensation was hard to replace.
It was also a distraction. First she would be so focused on making the wound perfect, making neat lines of scars perfectly placed a centimetre apart, the skin ripping in just the right way. Then she would concentrate on cleaning up the blood and bandaging them perfectly.
Sometimes she hated Ruth for getting her help. She didn't want to stop, but she did. She could list so many good points about stopping but also so many about carrying on.
One of the reasons to stop was exactly what she was experiencing at that moment in time. Long sleeves in summer. It was never a practical thing, that horrible sticky sweaty feeling as you wander around, pretending you actually feel cold… everyone thinking you are insane.
She tugged at her sleeves slightly. She had only uncovered her arms for a length of time for Ruth and Jay's wedding. She smiled slightly at the memory of her conversation with Ruth before. Discovering someone you looked up to have been abused so horrifically wasn't something to smile about but the way she talked about it so honestly without breaking down took a lot more than courage. It made Ellie proud to know her and to welcome her into the family.
"What's up Ellie?"
Ellie spun round to see Ruth coming towards her, her beautiful strapless wedding dress flowing out behind her. She looked like a Princess. Ellie Sighed slightly.
"I don't think I can wear this. Its beautiful but I can't"
"Don't be silly!" Ruth smiled slightly
"But my arms.. The scars…" Ellie muttered slightly ashamed
"The scars are part of you." Ruth waved a hand "We all have our scars."
"I will ruin your perfect day." Ellie kicked at the ground
"I have scars too." Ruth admitted "Look."
Ellie looked up eyes scanning the bare skin of Ruth's arms and shoulders. She had never really looked that closely. Ruth wasn't one to wear low cut tops, she often just hung around in hoodies or long sleeved tops. So she didn't often have a lot of skin on show and Ellie had never really paid that much attention.
Her vision blurred slightly as she noticed the marks. Jagged old scars, flat burn like marks. They were faded but extremely obvious.
"You…"
"No" She waved her hand knowing Ellie was automatically thinking she had self harmed. "My family weren't the nicest people." She said bluntly "I don't think I went a week without acquiring a cut or a bruise."
She examined the young girls shocked expression.
"They hurt you?" Ellie stuttered slightly
"Yeah." she saw the hurt flash through Ruth's eyes but it was covered up quickly
She tried to imagine Ruth cowering in a corner as she was beaten by the people who were supposed to care for her and she was suddenly fighting back tears. Ruth was a wonderful person and she just couldn't understand it.
"Its in the past." Ruth shrugged slightly. "It kind of hurts to look back on it but I've learnt to be proud of my scars. They are my battle scars." She smiled "That's what your scars are. Our battle scars make us stronger people."
Ellie ran her fingers along the sleeve which covered her arm. Yes, Ruth was right they were her battle scars and it made her feel strong to be trying to stop. To be fighting back against her subconscious.
Ruth had become a very important person in her life. A role model as such, to prove that people would fight their depression and win. But Ellie knew from the small shift she had noticed in the older girl that not all was well. The stress of holding everything together was already starting to show. Ellie just hoped Jay grew a brain and spotted that she was heading back down the dark path. She could try and talk to her but she knew he was the only one who could really pull her out of the slump she was slipping into.
She couldn't admit that she had been messing up more than anyone knew though. She was still desperately clinging to the hope she would sort herself out but she wasn't getting very far. She didn't dare talk to Ruth about it properly she didn't want too upset the older girl further, she seemed so stressed at the moment she didn't need her problems making things worse, not when she was coping, the additions were small and infrequent. She felt like she had control. Sometimes the truth was better when it stayed hidden at least for the time being.