Trials of the Heart
Chapter 11 - The Choice.
As time passed everything remained so much the same it was in some ways unbearable.
The snappy remarks and pure ignorance of Jay. The downward spiral of both Ellie and Ruth. The sad expression in little River's eyes. The lack of contact from Leila.
It was like the walls were building up around the family members.
Ruth spent so much of her time focusing on River or work broken up by the occasional moment with Ellie that she didn't have five minutes to spare to think about anything else.
Soon it was two weeks after the wedding. Ruth was wandering around the ED in a bit of a daze, it had been a restless night filled with nightmares not only of her past but of her present and future too, with No one to run to no on to reassure her it was ok. She had dropped River off at Jess's, finally giving in and taking the experienced nurse's offer of help with the child care as Ellie had to go into school to sit her first A levels.
The dark circles around her eyes made it obvious to everyone she came face to face with that things were tough but she denied all knowledge her icy shell coming back with a vengeance as she told them where they could stick their concern. She was fine, They were fine, Jay was a prick but what had changed, it was all ok.
It was all a compete lie.
A lie that unravelled slightly as she spotted a familiar name on the chart. Nick Jordan. She breath caught in her throat.
Curiosity getting the better of her she headed over to the cubicle. She heard muffled voices inside. The words 'more careful' and 'rest' could be made out as she put her hand on the curtain and willed up a bit of courage.
"Ruth!" Nick sounded pleasantly surprised
"Hey Nick." She nodded slightly as she took in the scene in front of her. Zoe was stitching up his hand which he appeared to have cut on something. The older doctor looked just as worn out as Ruth did they exchanged a look as she finished off the neat stitching. Zoe seemed to be pondering something as she place Nicks hand lovingly back on the bed and stepped back.
"I'm just going to get a bandage." She said slipping out of the cubicle leaving Ruth alone with her former mentor.
"Meddling woman." Nick commented lightly waving his uninjured hand "How are things? I hear you've been keeping up the hard work."
Ruth took in his shaking hands, rough hair, lopsided smile and tired face. He was a shadow of the brilliant man he had once been.
"Not bad." Ruth nodded slightly "Well horrific really" She admitted "but it'll be ok eventually."
"Never one to give up hey?" he smiled and lent back closing his eyes for a second
"Are you ok?" Ruth asked concerned "Should I get Zoe?"
"No" he said quick his eyes flickering back open "She worries to much."
"Well you've got an inoperable brain tumour Nick. She's going to worry." Ruth pointed out "You look terrible."
"Never been one to be subtle have you?" He laughed lightly
"Not really" She shrugged "But you and I both know this isn't going to last much longer is it?"
"No." he admitted a hint of sadness in his tired eyes "But I've come to terms with it, I accept my fate and welcome it."
"How can you…"
"Oh you know how." Nick interrupted her "You welcomed death with open arms yourself three years ago. The acceptance is in the control, the choice. I choose to die."
"I chose to die and I'm still here." Ruth commented "Sometimes I wonder why my right to choose was taken from me. I wanted it and I needed as much as you do. The mental torture I was going through, the mental torture I went through afterwards…"
"Has made you stronger." He interrupted her once more "It wasn't your time Ruth. You had a lot to live for you just didn't know." He told her "You've got your whole life ahead of you."
"My future is far from bright." She sighed sadly admitting to herself for the first time that everything was not ok.
"Oh it is." Nick told her confidently "Please don't give up."
Zoe chose this moment to return, bandages in hand.
"I will try." Ruth said watching the older doctor begin to bandage his shaking hand expertly. She opened her mouth as if she was going to say something but then shut it again, stepping back and slipping out of the cubicle instead.
She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. It was horrible seeing someone she had respected so much in such a state. He was in someway the father figure her own father had never been, they had grown close in the time he had mentored her. He had taught her so much.
A strong hand grasped her shoulder and she whirled around panicking slightly.
"Are you ok?" Adam's eyes were full of concern as she faced him panic in her eyes. She relaxed slightly as she realised it was him.
When Nick had left Adam had slipped into the mentor role, he was more than happy to share is knowledge and she soon found he was a very supportive mentor. She was surprised by how he remained so professional but he had a heart, he was not cold or callous no matter what the situation. At first she had not been so close to Adam but their relationship had grown to the point where she would now say they were sort of friends.
She nodded uncomfortably.
"Not nice seeing someone once brilliant brought down by something out of their control huh?" Adam hit the nail on the head and she was unable to hold the tears back as everything hit her at once. Jay's Nan. Jay. Nick.
Adam looked concerned as she silently broke down he could she her usually steady hands shaking as a few tears slipped from her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. He could tell she was trying as hard as possible to stop herself from fully breaking down and looking weak.
"Go take a few minutes." He suggested, she immediately opened her mouth to protest her professional front trying to take over. "You are not working in that state. Go to the on call room, get a cup of coffee and take a proper break. I'll page you if we need you."
He placed a finger under he chin and made him look her in the eye.
"If you need to talk you know where I am."
She had never felt so touched. Their relationship was barely anything but the look in his eyes was pure concern. She nodded slightly and turned away heading upstairs her heart feeling slightly lighter but her mind still buzzing with thoughts.