Trials of the Heart
Chapter 13 - Pyjama Parties.
Waking up in her own room in her own flat had been confusing at first but as the memories flooded back she was glad she was there. She needed the space. It was the first time since the wedding that she had had five minutes to think.
But then again maybe thinking wasn't such a good thing.
It was so hard keeping up the front but she had no time to be anything other than ok, It was as she lay staring at her white ceiling that she realised she was far from it. She was twenty seven she should be working on her career, living her life, not taking care of an eight year old child, a depressed teenager and a fiancé that didn't seem to think of her as anything more than something he had scraped from his shoe.
She slipped from her bed her thoughts still on the situation she was in as she made herself a cup of coffee.
Thinking hurt.
So much in her life had turned to dust and then he had stepped in. Her prince charming, Her knight in shining armour. He shown her there was so much to life, so much worth living for. But she was beginning to doubt it was true.
Maybe it had all be an illusion?
Placing the half drunk coffee down on the side she walked in a zombie like state towards her small bathroom.
She hadn't looked in the cupboard in a long time but she knew exactly what it contained. As he finger tips grazed its handle she felt a chill run down her spine. It had been a long time since she had opened this cupboard for any other reason than putting something in it, adding to the collection. As the door swung open swallowed deeply examining the contents not a thing had moved since the last time she had opened the door. She looked from pill packet to pill pot and then slammed the door shaking her head and stepping back.
No. She couldn't do it. Not to River. Not to Ellie. Not to even to Jay despite his horrific attitude.
It was a habit, to have them there. It felt safe for some reason, she felt wrong when the cupboard was empty. It was her safety net, her proof that there was a way out if she needed it. As bad as it sounded.
She lent over and picked up her spare bottle of anti depressants that had remained on the edge of the sink, she tipped her morning dose of two tablets into her hands and poured herself half a glass of water. She choked the pills back expertly and put the glass back down taking a deep breath and pulling herself together.
It was a ridiculously bright day. Ruth had dressed and decided to head out of the flat for some fresh air glad that it was her day off. But it wasn't long before she was draw back to the house.
She opened the door only to here a little scream and find a little pair of arms wrapped around her waist.
"Ruuuth!" River beamed as she looked up glad to see the older girl.
"Where are your clothes?" Ruth asked noticing the little girl was still in her pyjamas messy hair covering her face.
"We we're having a pyjama party!" River giggled "Pyjamas, cartoons and big bowls of coco pops!" she grinned "Are you going to join in?"
Ellie was smiling slightly from the living room doorway behind her sister.
"I guess so! Let me go and put my pyjamas back on!" Ruth laughed suddenly feeling very care free. She headed upstairs and slipped into a pair of pyjamas noting that Jay was fast asleep in his Nan's room and his snores echoed across the landing. Before she slipped back downstairs and settled down on the carpet with River and Ellie and the fresh bowl of coco pops Ellie had produced for her.
They munched contentedly watching the cheerful cartoons flickering across the screen. Ruth smiled at Ellie and then noticed something that made her heart sink.
Ellie's sleeve had been pushed up slightly and several angry red marks were visible. The teenager noticed Ruth's expression and pushed her sleeve down blushing slightly as Ruth have her a look that clearly said 'we will discuss this later'.
Once the coco pops had been eaten River rushed off upstairs to fetch operation. Which had become her new favourite game since Ruth had brought it her the week before (secretly she had actually brought it because she had always wanted to play it as a kid).
"So…" Ellie bit her lip knowing exactly what Ruth was going to want to talk about.
"Care to explain?" Ruth asked sadly
"Sorry." She kicked the floor
"I thought you knew you could talk to me?" Ruth sounded so hurt, Ellie swallowed nervously
"You have your own problems." Ellie shrugged "Jays being a complete idiot and I know its hurting you."
Ruth winced she had hoped her pain was better hidden but apparently Ellie could tell. She wondered who else had figured out she wasn't in a good place right now herself.
"Ellie that doesn't mean you cant talk to me!" Ruth sighed "It hurts more to know you think you can't talk to me than it does to find out you've been doing it again…"
Ellie looked ashamed. Ruth shuffled over and wrapped her arm around Ellie.
"Don't worry about me. I promise you I'm going to be ok." Ruth reassured her
"You don't sound to sure of that…" Ellie pointed out noticing the evident crack in her voice.
"I might not be right now but I have been through worse and come out the other side so I'm sure I can get through this." Ruth shrugged
"Its hard though isn't it?" Ellie said leaning against Ruth and looking up into the older girls eyes
"Oh yes but you don't get anything for nothing." Ruth smiled slightly as River bounced back in the room clutching operation to her chest.
"Can we have ice cream when we finish playing this?" She asked completely unaware of the conversation she had interrupted.
"I'll think about it." Ruth laughed slightly as Ellie moved away and laid down on the floor propping her head up with her fist.
"That means yes." Ellie smiled winking at her little sister
"Yes! yes! yes!" River chanted excitedly putting the game on the floor and opening the box excitedly
The older girls shared a smiled before engaging in what turned out to be a good two hours of playing operation, which proved a very successful distraction indeed. Infact it wasn't until Jay stumbled in that they looked up Ruth successfully failing to remove the patients cannon bone and causing a loud buzzing to fill the room.
"Haha!" River laughed
Ruth and Ellie were both looking up at Jay wondering why he was in the living room. He had taken to avoiding social contact on all accounts so the fact he was looking down at them, his skin pale worried the pair of them.
"Come." He grabbed Ruth's arm and she panicked immediately lashing out at him the tightness of his grip reminding her of her father.
He gestured with his head slightly as Ellie stood up ready to step between them immediately if he lashed out at Ruth. River seemed to have realised the situation wasn't normal as was hugging her little knees to her chest watching with her big blue eyes.
"I need to.." He mumbled in a non-threatening tone "Talk." he added "Just you."
Ruth shook her arm from his grip and stood up.
"Outside." She said her heart racing pointing at the door
He left the room and Ruth gestured at River before slipping out after him and closing the door tightly. Ellie nodded knowing Ruth wanted her to stay with the girl.
"She's not got that long left." He said bluntly "The machines will be unplugged soon and she might not.."
"Oh Jay…" Ruth said sympathetically placing a hand on his shoulder. He didn't shake it off but he didn't respond either he just looked at his feet.
"Just make sure they see her one last time." he said pulling away and heading towards the door
"I am here Jay. You can talk to me…" Ruth started
But he simply slipped away leaving her behind and slamming the door.
Ruth had never wanted someone to talk to her, to open up to her so much in her entire life.
Tears were now pouring down her face as Ellie came out from the living room shutting the door behind her softening the noise of the television which she must have left River watching.
She saw Ruth was crying and simply wrapped her arms around her pulling the older girl into a reassuring hug.