Trials of the Heart

Chapter 14 - Living and Dying.

A month had now passed, Everyone had noticed the change in Ruth. Her old defences had kicked into action more than they had ever done before and she would always be working quietly and hard. At some times it seemed as if nothing was wrong, as if she was just determined to do her job well but then if anyone challenged her, asked if she was ok, her defences would shoot up and she would snap back a bitter response making it pretty obvious she was far from ok no matter what words she shot at them.

July was turning into August and the baking hot summer was at its highest level. Big Mac seemed to be producing endless supplies of ice lollies, cold drinks and bedside fans as the sticky heat slipped into the emergency department much to the relief of the hard working doctors.

Ruth had followed Jay's request and taken the girls to see their Nan one last time the next day, she told Ellie the truth but she told River it was just another visit. It was heartbreaking to watch Ellie saying her goodbyes and River saying hers too even though she didn't know what she was doing.

It was four days after the girls visit. Up in ICU Jay was fiddling nervously with a fan at his Nan's bedside

"I'm afraid that if we force this much longer it could cause irreparable damage. But the choice is yours Mr Faldren."

"Tomorrow." He had replied "Just one more day." the doctor could see the sadness in his eyes and had nodded slightly.

He had known it had been selfish. He had known he could have caused and extra day of suffering but he just needed the last twenty four hours to get things straight in his head, to get used to the idea that he was likely to be burying her within the week.

It hurt.

It hurt so much but then leaving her here and letting her survive for his gain. That was cruel.

He nodded at the doctor who was overseeing the turning off of the machines and he crossed his fingers behind his back, praying to a good he had never prayed to before that all would be ok that she would breath once more. He was so prepared to lose her but so unprepared at the same time.

The whirring stopped as the switch was turned off and Jay felt his own heart stop as he anxiously awaited her first breath.

Ten seconds.

Seventeen seconds.

Thirty seconds.

Forty five seconds.

One minute.

Oh god. It was never going to happen. Jay panicked tears welling up in his eyes, it wasn't going to happen. He had just signed her death sentence.

He fell to the floor and then he heard it.

A deep rattling gasp.

Whilst Jay was upstairs Ruth had been busy in cubicles all morning was sipping on a black coffee at the nurses station.

Bang! The doors flew open, nothing unusual in the busy emergency department. Ruth put her cup down and joined Adam at the paramedics sides. She spotted a panicked looking Zoe running along side the stretcher and with a jolt she knew what she was about to see as she looked down.

"Its Nick." Dixie said not even bothering with the formal introduction of the patient they all knew so well. "Collapsed at home. Was fitting violently by the time we arrived."

Jeff took over reeling off the medication and treatment he'd already been given. Ruth took it all in feeling rather numb as she took in his pale and broken looking form.

Something told her, this was it for her mentor and friend as she helped the other staff silently move him over to the bed and begin treating him best they could but Ruth could tell Adam was thinking the same as her. He stepped back examining his former boss who was unconscious and being kept alive by the ambu-bag Charlie had applied.

"Do something!" Zoe was sobbing as Adam stepped back looking Ruth in the eye, She nodded swallowing knowing what he was thinking and nodded in agreement.

"If you wont do something Adam I will!" She yelled angrily stepping forwards Ruth stepped up to the older doctor and reached out and placed her hand gently on her shoulder. She had never been one for situations like these, she found it hard to put her feeling into words and to say things in a non clinical manner.

No one stopped her as she looked into Zoe's tear filled eyes

"You know we can't Zoe, You know about the DNR.." Ruth told her sadly "Maybe the best thing we can do for him is to let him go peacefully and respectfully."

Zoe broke down, she knew Ruth was right but it was obvious she didn't want to let him go. Adam gestured to Charlie that he should remove the mask and everyone stepped back from the bed letting Nick drift away.

Ruth wrapped her arms around Zoe and held her tightly as she sobbed.

"He's better off." She reassured her gently "So much better off."

Adam had quietly gotten the rest of the staff out of Resus leaving just himself, Ruth and Zoe in the eerily quiet room. Ruth watched over Zoe's shoulder as he respectfully removed all traces of treatment and tucked Nick under a blanket. She could see him muttering something, probably his own goodbye.

She pulled away from Zoe and took her hand squeezing it reassuringly.

Ruth didn't know how long they had stood at his bedside.

She didn't feel like she could leave the older woman. She was pretty sure she had no family, non she was in contact with anyway and as for friends? She wasn't sure whether there were any she could contact either.

Adam had slipped out about half an hour after Nick had slipped away. Ruth could see the pain etched on his face

Ruth herself had been the only other person who had seemed to know Nick quite as well as Zoe, he had been such an influence on her now she looked back on it. She couldn't help but think of all the things he had knowingly or unknowingly done for her.

All the help

All the knowledge

Actually making her the person she had grown to be.

But in a way she was so glad he was gone. He was a smart man. He loathed loosing it. He hated his memory for failing him. Without his great mind he had found himself lost. Ruth knew that. It had greatly inspired her to persist through the tougher parts of her relationship with Jay because she knew that being alone would be more painful. If she only lived for her work then if a time came, god forbid, when she could not work then she would find herself lost, back in the same pit of depression as when she had first tried to kill herself.

So many thoughts.

Ruth silently thanked Nick as the stood watching his lifeless body. She silently thanked him for everything. Every small or large thing that he had ever done for her but most of all for his helping hand.

"He looks so peaceful." Zoe finally broke the silence.

"I know." Ruth agreed "He looks relaxed. Not so frustrated."

"Yeah." Zoe agreed relaxing slightly "I'll miss him."

"I will to." Ruth nodded "He was a great man in many respects but he would have hated to continue on longer. He hated losing what he had relied on."

"He did." Zoe sighed "Don't waste any time Ruth. Life is so much shorter than you think." She added looking at the younger doctor

Ruth nodded swallowing back her own tears. Something had to be done both about Jay and about the urges she had been getting, she didn't want to be depressed forever, she wanted to be happy. It made her think.

Little did Ruth know as the life had slowly drifted out of her former mentor Jay's Nan had been taking her first rattling breath since she had collapsed.