Trials of the Heart

Chapter 15 - The Awaking

It had been three hours since Jay had found the smile returning to his face.

Three hours since her eyes had flickered open and stared directly into his own.
Three hours since he had squirmed in his seat knowing that she could read him like a book.

He had watched as the doctor and nurses set about sorting her out, removing the tubes and masks, checking her vital signs, listening to her heart and checking her over completely.

He had remained at her side throughout the checks watching the doctors reactions and reading the notes over their shoulders, sometimes being a nurse came in handy as he deciphered the notes in his mind glad for Ruth's persistent revision and research policy.

'Weak thready pulse.'

She wasn't out of the worst. Far from it but she was awake.

"Jay" She said hoarsely beckoning him towards her with his finger he lent closer wondering what she was going to say, she hadn't talked so far, she had simply sipped at the water she had been offered looking at him carefully.

She didn't say anything else. She simply slapped him around the head and laid back looking quite pleased with herself.

"Ouch!" Jay complained "What was that for?"

"You have been a complete idiot." She said hoarsely "Ruth may not be brave enough to slap you around the head to wake you up but I am!"

Jay blushed.

"You've been a selfish idiot haven't you?" She tutted

Jay suddenly found his hands very interesting.

"If you could only see what was going on right under your nose…" She shook her head "If you do not leave this hospital room right now and go and find her and apologise repeatedly I will get up and drag you out by your ear! I did not raise you to treat the people who love you like you have treated her!"

Jay wondered for a moment how she knew, maybe it was her intuition, whatever it was she had pin pointed the fact he was an idiot and rubbed his nose in it.

"Go. Now." She said snapping him from his thoughts

He needed and left the room, as she breathed a sigh of relief he returned looking sheepish and kissed her on the forehead before running out again. She smiled slightly. Knowing he just needed a bit of a prod in the right direction. When he wasn't being an idiot she was oh so proud to be his grandmother.

-

Ruth had been so determined as she had left the hospital. She had left Zoe settling down to clean Nick's body up ready to go down to the mortuary, It was horrible but beautiful at the same time and Ruth had slipped away knowing she would want some time alone. Her shift had finished long ago so she headed home, where she should have been headed three hours ago.

But with each step towards Jay's Nan's house the feelings were becoming stronger once more and suddenly her thoughts became more ridiculous than ever. Pills, Wire, Razors, Bleach, Scalpels. The peace that death could bring…

As Ruth reached the house she couldn't bring herself to pull out the key and let herself back in. She wasn't sure she could handle as single comment from Jay without it making her finally snap. She felt like someone had torn a hole in her heart as Nick had died. Each time she thought of him she was overwhelmed with the most confusing feelings from sadness to anger to a desperate want to be dead too.

Ruth knew she needed help but who could she turn too? Jay was a mess, She was the sole person keeping their family together. Toby, No Toby was a good friend but he would probably stumble over his words and act in his usual awkward way he would be blunt and although he would mean well he'd probably make things worse.

She had an idea. She found herself following a semi familiar route and found herself knocking on a door she thought she would never need knock on for help.

"Ruth? What are you doing here?"

"I need help." She stared up into the wise eyes of the older doctor.

"Come in." Adam replied looking concerned

"I'm sorry for bothering you." She apologised

"Its ok. Come in and take a seat in the living room." He gestured to a door on his left. "I'm just putting Harry to bed, I'll be in shortly. Jess is working the night shift so I've been left in charge." he laughed slightly but his laugh sounded hollow Ruth knew he must be upset about Nicks death.

She slipped into the living room and took a seat on the leather sofa glancing around herself awkwardly. The room had the distinct look as if it had once been part of a bachelor's apartment, the swanky dark leather sofas, the sharp and too the point décor, the wide screen television and the games console lying next to it. But several pictures lay across the mantle piece showing Adam, Jess and their children as well as a few other faces, family and friends Ruth guessed. There was one she recognised almost immediately it was Adam's brother Alex, she remembered him being in the emergency department. With a jolt she also remembered how he had killed himself and she suddenly felt like she shouldn't be about to put this onto Adam. She made to stand up just as he re-entered the room.

"I have to admit that you are the last person I expected to open my door to tonight." Adam confessed

"I just didn't know who to turn to.." She admitted sitting back down nervously and staring at her hands "I need some help.."

"So what's up then?" Adam asked bluntly "Ruth Winters doesn't admit she needs help very often." he laughed slightly trying to break the tension as he settled himself on the other end of the sofa.

"I thought I'd be ok." She admitted sadly "I am trying so hard but I've had some.. feelings…" Ruth tried to explain "I've been tempted to do… to do something again…" She felt awkward and unable to look into his eyes.

Adam fell silent, Ruth noticed the smile falling from his face. She was regretting coming to see him now. She should have kept this to herself.

"I should go…" She started getting ready to stand up looking ashamed for showing weakness.

"No. Stay." He told her thoughtfully. She suddenly noticed that he was considering her carefully and she got the distinct impression he had actually expected something like this but been hoping his presumptions had been wrong.

"I'm sorry to put this on you…" She looked down at her shoes

"Hey its fine…" He reassured her noticing the tears building in her eyes "Its better to let it out than bottle it up."

Suddenly the young doctor was sobbing.

"I'm glad that you've opened up about this, it shows how much you've grown." Adam told her knowing what a brave step it was for her to open up. He shuffled over and put an awkward arm around her shoulder.

"Nick.. Was the last straw…" She admitted

"He wouldn't want you to fall apart we all knew it was coming." Adam said sadly. "What about Jay…"

"You've seen how he is at work. He's just as bad if not worse at home." She broke down, he could see her visibly shaking "He's starting to scare me. But I have to put a brave face on everything for River and Ellie. I know Nick wouldn't want me to do this he's told me so many times to keep going but it just feels like one thing after another its been building up for so long…"

"I think you need to take a step back." Adam admitted simply squeezing her shoulder "Its a lot to deal with, especially for someone who already ahs a history of depression. For a start you alone can't hold the family together and you need to tell Jay the truth, you need to admit how your feeling and then I'm afraid if he doesn't start being less of a prick.. I don't want to suggested it but if your struggling enough to force yourself to talk to someone like me and we aren't even close… well lets just say a break might do you good."

She wiped at her tears nodding at the words coming from his mouth, it was the truth, all of it.

"And professionally… You know what I'm going to say but I would suggested a visit to a councillor or psychologist." He admitted "I think you need someone to help in some way, someone to talk to who is not involved and someone to support you professionally. Are you still on the anti depressants?"

"Yeah, but on a lower dose than I was" Ruth explained "Last time I was assessed it was lowered."

"I would suggest you at least have a meeting to discuss your medication at the very least if not to discuss some feelings.." Adam nodded "Talking can help you know!"

"I'm starting to learn that." Ruth smiled slightly

"Well I am here." He said in a voice Ruth had never heard him use before, it was caring and gentle. "If you need someone. Better take it out on me than yourself hey?"

"Thanks Adam." she nodded gratefully.

"No problem Ruth." He smiled "No I know the cure to everything at this time of night. A cup of hot chocolate and a biscuit. I insist that you stay and have a cup with me."

Ruth smiled as he stood up and headed out of the room.

Yes. She was going to have to go back and tell Jay tonight. He either stopped the behaviour right away or they were going on a break.