Trials of the Heart
Chapter 17 - Forgiveness must be Earned
Jay knew from the way she made him sleep on the sofa he was far from fully forgiven. For a second he had believed the simple apology would be enough to restore her trust and return her to his arms where she belonged but as he punched the old pillows into shape he knew this was far from he case.
He felt awkward sleeping in his Nan's bed, but as Ruth had slammed his own bedroom in his door he was left with no other choice to take on the arduous task of sleeping on the sofa, which was admittedly comfy when you were just watching television but to sleep on it was horrible, sometimes you've wake up so far down the crack you felt like you'd been swallowed whole.
He eventually gave in after approximately two hours of uncomfortable sleep and got up yawning tiredly.
Now he had a good extra two hours to figure out how best to prove how sorry he was. He sat with his head in his hands for a moment contemplating what he could do first.
Breakfast. Making the family breakfast would be a good start. He could take her breakfast in bed, she always smiled so much when he used to do that. Then he could look after River and Ellie... He winced slightly Ellie would have a lot to say about that… He needed to think before he talked to her. He decided to just prepare breakfast in the kitchen and take Ruth's up to her early before going to visit his Nan, she always had the answers for things like this.
He set to work setting out all the ingredients for a perfect family breakfast, boxes of Coco pops, Cornflakes and Cheerios neatly lined up in a row, the remaining half a loaf of bread placed next to them. Plates, bowls and cutlery set out neatly. Milk in the jug Nan used to use when they had their family breakfast every Sunday morning. She even set up a couple of glasses and a carton of orange juice as well as all the ingredients for Ellie's morning coffee.
He scribbled a little note and placed it in-between the two plates;
'Good Morning. Sorry. Love Jay.'
It read.
He put the pen back in the pot near the phone before he set about making Ruth her usual breakfast of two slices of hot buttered toast and a strong black coffee. She was a creature of habit and he knew that all two well. He added a rose, trimmed from the garden to the tray before heading upstairs.
He rolled his eyes slightly as he knocked n his own bedroom door and slipped inside.
She was still asleep, her hair ruffled and her eyes shut tight. She looked so perfect pinned between his deep blue bed covers one bare leg and one bare arm handing from underneath. He had seen her sleeping so many times before he had lost count but for some reason he couldn't take his eyes off her.
He slipped the tray on the bedside table and stood back up sharply as her eyes flew open at the unusual sound, Ruth had never been a deep sleeper. He had guessed it came from her past, she was constantly aware of her surroundings like a horse, ready to flee at the slightest hint of danger.
"What…" She started angrily before the memories of the night before came flooding back and she swallowed deeply.
"Breakfast in bed." He replied simply "It wont solve everything but it's a start."
He lent down hoping she'd let him kiss her on the forehead but she lent backwards eyeing him up warily. He leant back himself looking a bit awkward.
"I'm going to see Nan for an hour or two then I'll be back, because I've got one hell of a lot of making up for to do."
He stepped back smiling slightly and then hurried from the room like a child on Christmas morning.
Ruth shook her head wondering what 'one hell of a lot of making up' would involve.
Jay hadn't felt so light in a long time. It was light several weights had been lifted from his shoulders. He entered the familiar ward and smiled at the nurse who seemed vaguely shocked after the amount of nasty glares she had received off him in the past few weeks.
"Morning gorgeous." He smiled kissing his Nan on the forehead and producing a box of her favourite chocolates and a large bunch of flowers from behind his back.
"Have you apologised yet?" she asked ignoring the flowers and chocolates and folding her arms stropily doing the most brilliant impression of River when she was about to throw a tantrum.
She wasn't going to let it rest, probably because she knew him a little too well.
"Yes Nan." He sighed taking up his usual seat in the chipped hospital chair.
"And she wont forgive you completely?" She predicted "I should hope she hasn't."
"How do you know these things?" Jay wondered allowed
"Ah comes with experience. And I can read you like a book!" She smiled slightly "You've got a lot of persuading to do to get that one to forgive you. Its gonna take something special."
"I've given her breakfast in bed and a Rose…"
"From my garden no doubt!" She scowled as he blushed "Jamshid you never change."
"It was romantic…" Jay shrugged
"And rather tacky. No. No. No. Now I want you to get out there and woo her!"
"This isn't the 1950's!" Jay rolled his eyes slightly "Girls just don't want to be wooed anymore, they what to be brought the most expensive gifts and…"
"Oh your Ruth is one of those is she? Well that's funny because she never struck me as the type to give a damn about expensive jewellery and clothing." She tutted "Something much simpler yet so much more romantic will do."
"Like that then?" Jay asked hoping she'd be able to point him in the right direction
"Only you can answer that question." She told him wisely. "But bare in mind we don't all have time on our sides."
"What?" Jay recoiled from the bed, she wasn't telling him what he thought she was. Was she?
"A month." She nodded "At best. The old ticker isn't quite what it used to be."
"Oh Nan…" he felt tears prickling at his eyes as he felt a break down approaching.
"Now now Jamshid we can't all live forever." She looked sad as she sat up and lent over putting her cold frail finger under his chin as she would do when he was a child and raising his face so his eyes were looking into hers. "But if it's the last thing I do I will sort this mess out. Since you seem incapable of doing it yourself."
"But.." His lip was quivering and she could see the tears beginning to slip.
"I love you Jamshid, I always will. But Ruth is your future. She needs you and you need her just as much, if not more." She told him sincerely "I will not let you make a mess of things the way your mother did."
"But Nan your dying!" He said the word that had been clinging to the back of his throat since she had revealed her prognosis like it was something infectious.
"Aren't we all?" She asked wisely "Take your chance Jamshid, You and Ruth could be happy, What's stopping you? A Withered old has been who is minutes from death, it would mean more to me to see you two married than it would to have you at my bedside twenty four seven until I pass on."
He stood up and hugged her so tightly he had probably ripped out all the cables and drips but he didn't care.
"I love you Nan. Thank you. Thank you for everything." He sobbed into her shoulder
"I love you too Jamshid. You and you alone can make something out of your life. You make your own choices." She told him simply "Though if I had to prod you in the right direction there is a little brown haired, blue eyed lady probably dropping your sister at school as we speak and she desperately needs you to make her realise exactly how much she means to you before it is too late. I can not tell you how to do that, you alone know exactly how to impress her. Just don't mess it up."
"I will be back." He promised kissing her on the cheek and running out of the ward.
She lent back her old wise eyes sparkling as the nurse came over to sort out the mess Jay had made of her drips and wires.
Jay had no idea what he was going to do. He found himself pacing through the streets of Holby examining everything in the shop windows from dresses to books. What the hell could he do, give or say to Ruth to prove what she meant to him?
She wasn't pre occupied with expensive clothes or jewellery, she was way to obsessed with her work and she needed to unwind… Unwind? He looked at the shop window in front of him and idea springing to his mind.
He returned to the street three shops later laden with bags a lopsided grin across his face having come up with a plan that could possibly help him find a way back into her heart but first he had to tell her everything. How sorry he was, how much she meant to him and how much he loved her. He sighed as she took a seat on the bus. There was just too much to say and too much to apologise for!
But as the houses flicked past it came to him. He could write her a letter explaining everything. He could even do the same for his sisters.
His thoughts running wild with the ideas of what he needed to include in each of the letters.
He had never dismounted a bus so fast or fumbled around so much looking for his key. He had never thrown the bags down and pulled out a sheet of writing paper from his Nan's cabinet. He had never scribbled every single one of his thoughts and feelings onto scraps of paper so vividly. So truthfully.
Each letter was soon sellotaped in a little envelope to the bedroom door of who it was intended to go to. And the fourth was fluttered to the bottom of the post box as Jay walked away carrying a mysterious looking cardboard box.