Trials of the Heart
Chapter 18 - Letters, Lockets and Chocolate Sauce
'Ruth'
Oh god. Was the first two words that came to Ruth's mind as she spotted the letter sellotaped to the pristine white door.
It was over and this was his way so saying it. Should she had let him back in? talked to him? Been sympathetic? Tears were already rising in her eyes as she imagined life without him.
Wait. She hadn't even read it yet so why was she getting so worked up? It was a stupid scrap of paper. She ripped it from the door and opened it hurriedly as if the quicker she opened it the less painful whatever he couldn't say to her face would be. Like a plaster. The quicker you ripped it off the less it hurt.
But as she skimmed the first three lines a smile lit up her face. It was an apology not a goodbye. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever read so heartfelt she felt like she was reading into her mind and his heart.
If you knew how much I loved you, then you would probably tell me to stop being such a drama queen but boy do I love you.
There's is so much I love about you that I could go on for pages. So I will.
I love your eyes.
I love your smile.
I love your bravery.
I love waking up next to you.
I love falling to sleep next to you.
I love kissing you.
I love knowing you are there if I need you.
I love being the one you come to.
I love our fights.
I love our make ups.
I love your heart.
I love your scars.
I love eating breakfast with you.
I love coffee breaks at work if your with me.
I love your strength.
I love your fight.
I love your determination.
I love your ability to turn your hand to anything.
I love how much I admire you.
I love how you are around River.
I love how much you've helped Ellie.
I love you from your fingers to your toes.
I love your spirit.
I love how you smell after a shower.
I love it when we take River out.
I love it when we go out for drinks with the rest of the staff.
I love knowing you are coming home with me.
I love how you look perfect no matter what you wear.
I love it when your hair is messy.
I love it when you come to me with your problems
I love it when you are in my arms.
I love holding hands with you.
I love your vulnerability.
I love protecting you
I love how much you've changed me.
I'm sorry for everything I said.
I'm sorry for everything I did.
I'm sorry I made a mess of everything.
I'm sorry I upset you.
I'm sorry I made life worthless.
I'm sorry I left you to pick up the pieces.
I'm sorry for being so selfish.
I'm sorry for causing this.
I know I have screwed up.
I know I have but everything on the line.
I know I should have talked about my problems.
I know I'm a hypocrite.
I know I alone am responsible for the state of our relationship.
I know I should be less selfish.
I know I am an idiot.
I know I would be lost without you.
I know River would miss you and Ellie too.
I know you will one day be head of the department but I will always be a nurse.
I know I may never be the perfect Prince Charming but I hope I can give it a damn good try.
If you'll let me?
You deserve so much better than me and I understand that now.
But. If you still love me, meet me at the park, in the clearing, if you want to give this another shot.
Jay 'Idiot' Faldren x
She pocketed the letter and ran. Hard and fast, down the stairs, out the door and through the streets. She didn't care who looked at her she didn't care that she looked stupid she just had to find him, wrap her arms around him and kiss him. She had to tell him that she forgave him she loved him too and she never wanted to stop loving him.
Twenty minutes had never passed so slowly in Jay's life.
He glanced up at the trees around him now with fairy lights strewn between the branches lighting up the clearing with an eerie multi coloured glow.
He had tried to do everything he could to make the scene as romantic as possible. A thick deep pink fleece blanket had been laid out with several brand new pillows. No expense spared. A pair of champagne glasses were filled to the brim with rather expensive champagne while a several mini fairy cakes with rather beautiful icing decorations, some strawberries, a pot of chocolate dip, perfectly made sandwiches with ham and cheese salad filling, Ruth's favourite and some other nibbles like crisps and sweets were all laid out neatly on brand new plastic plates and bowls.
Jay had resisted the temptation to set up a few candles knowing that with him in charge it was not just a potential fire hazard but a potential fire disaster instead he had set up the fairy lights.
A bunch of a dozen red roses lay opposite him where he hoped Ruth would soon be sitting and he had scattered a box of rose petals everywhere.
The finishing touch was the box he was clasping in his hands. The box contained a simple necklace, a silver locket. Inside was space for four small pictures. He had only put in two. One of himself and Ruth and one of the family. He hoped she would like it.
Now he thought of it he hoped she would actually appear in the first place to see the effort he had put into making the clearing into their own little private picnic area. It was approaching half an hour since he had finished decorating the clearing and so far he had seen nothing more than a squirrel and a stray frog.
He was almost at the point of giving up. Of downing the bottle of champagne and crying into the pillows about losing the one girl who had turned his life around when someone jumped on him from behind wrapping their arms around his neck.
"I've been watching you." her voice sent a tingle down his spine and a wave of hope rushed through his veins.
"So your my stalker now?" he asked letting the smile grace his lips.
"Oh no I just wanted to see how sincere you looked." She laughed sitting down next to him "Make you panic a bit and see how long it would take you to give up."
"Your such a lovely fiancé" He laughed slightly "But how did you manage to hid in bushes so silently? I haven't heard a twig snap!"
"Ah you under estimate my skills. I hid in the bushes a lot as a kid." She smiled slightly as she though of her refuge "Sometimes hiding was the best thing to do."
He couldn't help but lean down and kiss her on the cheek. She blushed slightly.
"I am sorry." He told her looking ashamed
"I know." Ruth smiled "Your letter said everything and this?" She gestured at their surroundings "This just proves it."
He offered her the box in his hand. She accepted. Unsure what would be inside. When she spotted the locket Jay knew form the expression of wonder on her face that she liked it. She clicked it open and grinned at the pictures for a second before putting it around her neck tucking it down her top.
"I take it that means that you like it?" he asked smiling slightly
"Yes." She replied picking up one of the glasses of champagne and taking a swig. "Gods Jay this must have cost you a bomb!"
"I never knew you were an expert champagne taster…" He laughed slightly
Ruth rolled her eyes
"Dad used to buy the cheep stuff at Christmas." She shrugged "And this is much nicer."
Jay sighed wishing for a moment he could give her one memory that wasn't tainted by something her father, brother or mother had done. She didn't sound sad though. He recalled how brave she was and how much more that made him love her.
He picked up his own glass and sipped.
"I agree, its damn nice stuff." he smiled "Shame it cost me almost forty quid."
Ruth sprayed champagne across the clearing as he announced the price and began spluttering madly.
"Forty pounds!"
"Yes and you just sprayed five across the clearing!" He pointed out "Now drink it properly or I shall force you to lick it from the trees!"
"Oh you will, will you?" Ruth asked sipping on the champagne in a fake ladylike manner before grinning. "Better?"
"Much." He grinned sipping on his own
The sat in silence. Both enjoying once more being in the others company.
"Maybe its about time we got a marriage councillor.." Jay joked slightly as he put his glass down and helped himself to a sandwich "But were not even married yet…"
"We do." Ruth laughed slightly "Though I'm seeing a real councillor tomorrow…" She added suddenly finding her sandwich very interesting.
"What for?" He asked curiously
"Re-assessment of my meds." She replied simply "And re-assessment of me.. I think I need a bit of help." She admitted nervously.
She didn't like to admit she was weak even to Jay. But she knew she was struggling even though they had made up he wasn't going to solve her problems with a kiss. Better to catch the thoughts early before… she didn't like the think what sort of dark place she could end up.
She suddenly found his hand entwined with hers a concerned but loving look on his face.
"Were gonna be ok aren't we?" he asked a hint of concerned entering his voice
"Of course." She nodded "As long as you have learnt your lesson."
"Oh I have." He smiled "Your way to important to let slip away."
They began munching contentedly on their sandwiches. Still hand in hand but a comfortable silence falling between them.
"I may have forgiven you but my trust will have to be earned again." She said suddenly as she finished her sandwich.
Jay sighed. He had known that once he pushed himself out it would be a slow process to get her to feel the same. Her eyes showed that she loved him but deep down he could see the spark of fear, of loneliness, of panic. She was wary of him and for some reason that hurt much more than any type of pain had ever know, physical or mental.
He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice the cheeky smile crossing his fiancés face or the chocolate sauce on her finger that prompt found its way to his nose.
"Hey!" He complained "Its my job to cause the trouble around here!"
"Well…" She stuck out her tongue as he dipped his own fingers in the chocolate.
She squealed as he thrust his fingers towards her face and hit her cheek exactly where he had aimed to smearing the sticky chocolate-y gloopy substance across her face.
"Oh your dead!" She said threateningly a smile sneaking through her faked angry face.
She pounced thrusting half of what was left of the pot of chocolate dip over his face.
"Blaerugh" he spluttered as the brown almost liquid like substance filled his mouth
Ruth was in hysterics as she picked up a strawberry and ran it down the side of his face as he wiped the chocolate gloop from his eyes, just in time to see her seductively licking the strawberry and the biting into it.
He pounced without a seconds thought pinning her to the blanket by her wrists and kissing her with his chocolate-y lips. Covering her own face in chocolate dip.
She giggled.
Such an innocent noise form such a troubled girl.
He smiled as she pulled him back down and kissed him deeply. He could tell that this was the happiest she had been in a long time and he had to admit it was the happiest he had been in a long time too.