Trials of the Heart
Chapter 19 - Photo Albums
Ruth hated these offices. They were always so fake. She had never seen more plants in one room or more motivating quotes. Part of her wished she'd never arranged this meeting in the first place but at the same time she felt a strange sense of relief.
She had no idea who she was here to see. She hadn't requested anyone particular. Just an appointment about medication and help.
She was beginning to think the cheery woman who had shown her into this office was the one that really needed the help. I mean what sort of insane person did you have to be to wear a cardigan to work? Let alone one with frogs knitted into the pattern.
Suddenly the plants caught her eye again. Surely they couldn't all be real. She resisted the temptation to go touch a few to check. Five minutes passed and she was just itching to go up to just one and touch it. She eventually gave in curiosity over powering her fear of being caught touching the objects in the office. She reached out her had a felt the leathery leaf of the closest plant between her finger tips. It was real. She reached out for the second one not noticing the door had opened behind her.
"Ruth!"
She jumped.
"Ben! What are you…" She started before a sudden sinking feeling encompassed her as she spun around to she the familiar face to match the familiar voice. Ben. counsellor. She cursed loudly.
"Well that's one way of expressing yourself." he smiled slightly "Why don't you sit down."
"Of all people…" Ruth started feeling rather angry at the appearance of her friends boyfriend, this was supposed to be confidential and private.
"Look if this is really such a big problem then I can try and find you some else but you have my reassurance that anything you say will stay within these four walls." he reassured her gently feeling her anger and anxiety.
"This is just so personal." She told him "Its not like your such an angel, your secret affair with Toby, he was so insecure he trusted you and he needed your help but you just betrayed his trust, you are rather useless at your job and I don't know why they let you back let alone promoted you, the last thing I need is you butting into my life professionally or personally. You prayed on my friend! How do I know your not doing the same…" every vicious insult that she could possibly use as a defence flew from her mouth until he spoke up.
"Ruth!" He held up his hand. "We are here to talk about you. All this flipping out and trying to turn this around onto me or Toby… You have to stop it. Ignoring your problems and turning things around onto other people such as myself or Toby is not healthy. Bottling things up is why you have gotten so deep into a pit of depression that you tried to…"
"Don't say it." She snapped
"See. Ruth the first step to solving a problem is admitting its existence." He shook his head "You can't even bare to hear the word Suicide. Can you?"
"Stop it." Ruth warned him as the tears built up in her eyes
"Say it Ruth." Ben said simply
"No." she refused
"Step one to solving the problem is admitting what it is." Ben replied
"I am not her" Ruth said suddenly her mind spinning as she became more and more frustrated "I just couldn't carry on I didn't try out of spite, I had no one to live for, no one to miss me. I will never be like her. Will I?"
"Like who."
She had never heard so much genuine concern in someone's voice. Not someone she had barely talked to before except to exchange a few harsh words or some forced pleasantries.
"Mum."
She was crying. All of it. Every bit of it. Every though, every problem it all related back, back to her past. She hated admitting what she'd done. Why? Because it linked her too closely to the family she despised so much.
"To move on with the future we have to accept our pasts." Ben told her wisely
"I am beginning to see that." Ruth agreed a hint of sadness in her voice
"You do know your family, They can only influence who you become. They are not the be all and end all Ruth." He told her in a friendly voice Ruth suddenly realised he was speaking as her friend and not a councillor.
She swallowed nervously and nodded. She was different to them wasn't she? And they had shaped her hadn't they? She wondered, just for a second, if her family life had been pleasant, devoid of abuse, neglect and tragedy. What would she be like today?
"Do you want to carry on? Or shall I go find you someone else…"
"No." Ruth said suddenly "I think I can talk to you."
"Good." He nodded "Remember these four walls, impenetrable." He winked and she smiled slightly. "Between you and me Toby desperately needs to bin his beano comics!" he laughed slightly and Ruth did too.
Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad.
-
Jay's Nan had been confined to her hospital bed for, although Ruth nor Jay wished to admit it, the rest of her remaining short life. She had been moved onto a high dependency unit. The breathing machines still pumping away around them keeping them on their toes if they were to even think of dosing off.
Jay would visit alone each morning before joining Ruth for the afternoon shift in the emergency department before they brought Ellie and River over in the evening for the later visit.
It was two weeks after she had awoken. Ruth was finding things a lot easier now she had Jay's support and the sessions with Ben. As much as she hated to admit it talking to him had not only been easy but it had made her feel as if several weights had been lifted from her shoulders and he had been true to his word, she had plenty of privacy, Toby was oblivious. Infact neither Jay or Toby knew the counsellor she was seeing was Ben. She was even beginning to see what Toby liked about the friendly man who was actually extremely good at his job and rather tactful.
The pair of them looked like the dream couple. Hand in hand watching his Nan flicking through the old photo albums Jay had brought at her request.
Tonight it was Just Ruth and Jay. Ellie had been left at home with River to give the younger child a break from the hospital atmosphere.
"Ah he was such a little monster." She smiled as she dropped the photo album down and twisted it slightly so the couple could see.
Ruth tried not to laugh at the image in front of her. Jay. Couldn't have been more than four years old. Completely stark naked with a bucket on his head grinning madly.
"Nan!" Jay looked horrified "Please!" he was now blushing a florescent red.
"Its not like she's not seen you starker's before!" she chuckled this time causing Ruth to blush. "Such a cutie weren't you Jamshid?"
"Ok, ok I was cute move on! Embarrass me with something that doesn't involve areas that shouldn't be on show on show!" Jay said flicking the page to reveal a picture of a curly haired Jay, approximately about six on a swing at the park the smile captured was purely beautiful.
"Your children are going to be adorable." Jay's Nan smiled slightly "I just wish I could be here to see them." She added wistfully
"Please don't talk like that Nan." Jay said sadly. Ruth squeezed his hand reassuringly.
"There is no point beating around the bush Jamshid. The end is the end my dear." She sighed sadly before flipping the page "Ah always the animal lover."
"Ew!" Ruth said pulling a pace at the picture of four year old Jay puckering up inches from a rather petrified looking frogs mouth. "I've kissed that!"
"The frog or me?" He laughed looking vaguely offended
"Your froggy lips!" She punched him jokingly
"You two are no more than big kids." Jay's Nan tutted lightly before flicking onto a picture of a very small Jay with a clever looking young man.
"That's my dad." Jay said a mixture of pride and hurt in his voice as Ruth examined the imagine carefully taking in the hazel eyes, pale skin and brown hair. "Doubt I'll be seeing him again, Mum messed things up good and proper with him. Stupid who…"
"Jamshid!" His Nan scolded him "She may be a dirty and cheep slag but I have taught you better."
"You just called her a…" Jay protested folding his arms closely resembling the image of the stroppy ten year old his Nan had just flicked too.
"She's my daughter I'll call her what I like!" She tutted "You however should respect your elders."
Jay mumbled something that sounded distinctly like hypocrite as she flicked the page over to reveal a picture of the whole family, Jay's dad, Jay's mum, Leila and Ellie as toddlers and Jay as a cheeky school boy.
Ruth smiled at the happy looking family but as she lent closer she could see the strain on his dads face and the shadows under his mums eyes.
Jay's Nan flicked over almost immediately as if it was a bit painful to look back at the family that had fallen apart to a picture taking rather more recently of the four children. River must have been about five when it was taken and Jay was giving her a piggy back. Leila and Ellie were stood arms around each other grinning cheerfully.
Jay sighed wistfully and lent over, turning a few pages at once to reveal a image of Jay's dad in a suit with a woman who looked a lot like Leila only with long wavy hair and darker skin much like Jay's Nan was stood next to him wearing a beautiful but simple wedding dress. The smiles were so real.
"Now there is the one thing I want to see." Jay's Nan said as she examined the picture with her tired eyes "I want to see your wedding." she looked up staring Jay and then Ruth in turn in the eye hoping they would give her a positive response.