Trials of the Heart
Chapter 21 - Approaching the end
The summer heat was starting to fade slightly. Jay's Nan couldn't have been more right about her life coming to a close. Each day Ruth woke wondering if her mother-in-law was alive. She had become so fond of the older woman, she was going to miss her a great deal. She was the closest thing Ruth had ever had to a Gran or mother figure.
It was an average evening visit. Jay's Nan was lying back in her hospital bed looking particularly uncomfortable and quite weak. Things had slowly been going down hill and she has slowly become more and more ill. Ruth knew from her knowledge of medicine that it would soon be time to say good bye. She knew Jay knew that too and he had been getting more and more tense. Nothing she could say would help relax him and she knew he'd been crying all those times I'd locked himself in the toilet for a good half hour.
"Jamshid take the girls for a drink in the cafeteria I want a word with Ruth." She said her voice raspy her lips slightly blue from poor circulation.
Jay nodded. Ruth could see the pain in his eyes, he didn't ever want to leave her side now. Afraid that she would die while he was gone. Ruth watched as he gently herded Leila, Ellie and River out of the ward before turning to she his Nan staring at her intently.
"Not long now." She commented hoarsely.
"No." Ruth nodded sadly knowing the old lady wouldn't want her to lie and say 'of course she'd be alive for ages' she had accepted her fate and like her former mentor was welcoming death with open arms.
"You're a very brave girl Ruth." She told her with a small smile "I only wish you were my daughter. You are making something of yourself while my own daughter… well the less said the better. I am so glad you came into our family dear." She told Ruth who was watching her intently "Such a smart and brave girl I have never met."
"I am neither." Ruth mumbled blushing at the compliment.
"You are both and so much more. I am proud of you Ruth. You seemed to have beaten all the odds." she admitted with a smile
Ruth felt the tears she had been holding back begin to fall.
"No ones ever said they were proud of me." She admitted "No one in my family…"
"We are your family now dear." She told Ruth sincerely "You deserve to be part of a family that loves you and cares for you. From what I know of your past it seems that your parents did neither of those things."
"T…thanks." Ruth's voice faltered it meant so much to her that Jay's Nan considered her part of the family it was the ultimate acceptance.
"But please will you do one thing for me? Please can you look after them." She told Ruth sincerely "Jamshid needs someone to draw the line sometimes, Leila needs someone to keep her grounded, Elham needs someone to turn to and a role model and River. River needs a mum. Would you?"
"Of course." Ruth reached over and grabbed the old lady's hand tightly something she would probably have never done a year ago. "I would be honoured to. After everything your family has helped me with? I owe it to all of you."
"You are a wonderful girl Ruth. Your heart in the right place." She told her sadly reaching a shaking hand up to raise Ruth's chin gently. "Keep your chin up sweetheart because I promise it'll work out in the end, you will get your happy ending."
"You think?" Ruth asked hopefully
"Oh no I know." She told Ruth simply.
They sat in silence for a few minutes just thinking. Before Jay's Nan spoke up once more.
"Why don't you send Jay in? I think I need a few words with everyone individually."
"Ok." Ruth nodded "Thank you. Thanks for being proud of me, thanks for all your help and thanks for trusting me with your family."
"Don't thank me you have earned everything you have been given." Jay's Nan smiled as Ruth kissed her forehead.
Another thing she would never have expected her to find herself doing.
They shared a final nod before Ruth left feeling more accepted than she had ever done before.
-
Jay pushed open the door to the private room his Nan had been given. He hated seeing her like this but it was better than her being dead. He knew from her sad expression this wasn't good. It was likely to be a good bye conversation. He wasn't sure he was ready for that. Not yet.
"Now Jamshid." She said "Sit down and stop being so awkward." she added as he hovered by the door.
"Oh Nan if this is your good bye speech I don't think I want…"
"Oh grow up Jamshid. The end is coming you have got to accept it." She sighed "I know it'll be hard."
"You are more like my mum!" Jay sobbed angrily "I love you Nan I'm going to be so lost without you."
"Now Jay." She said softly "You are not a child anymore, You don't need me to pick you up and kiss you better. You have your sisters and you have Ruth."
"But I wont have you." he mumbled sadly
"Jay you will. I will be in here." she placed her hand on his chest. "I want to see you working hard, living your life and moving on. The funeral will be for mourning not the rest or your life. I want to see you supporting the family, continuing to be the person I taught you to be. Not the selfish idiot you were while I was in the coma."
"But…" he mumbled
"No buts Jamshid." she snapped "Now give me a hug you silly boy."
He lent down and hugged her as tightly as possible.
"I love you Jay. I couldn't have asked for a better grandson" She smiled
"I love you too Nan." he told her "I will make you proud."
"Oh I know you will." She smiled
-
Almost as soon as Jay had left the room Leila who was looking much more ruffled than usual. Hair scraped back into a simple pony tail instead of being straightened and made to look neat. She looked much younger than twenty one and much more vulnerable.
She had been taken down a few pegs by Ruth, who's biting comments about abandoning the family and being so horrid to her younger sister had been well placed.
It had taken a lot of persuasion for Ruth to forgive the younger girl. Leila found she actually wanted to be forgiven, Ruth was becoming a rather important person in all their lives and she was beginning to realise that the older girl was only trying to act in everyone's best interests. Eventually after Leila had pleaded with her for a good half an hour Ruth nodded her acceptance of the apology.
"I know it was your way of coping at the time I just needed to hear you admit it and know that some of the things you said were totally inappropriate." Ruth had nodded waving a hand as if brushing it all off "I accept your apology, It was a hard time for all of us."
She still felt slightly on the edge of the family. Her need to flee from the problem having pushed her outside slightly. Ellie had been harder to persuade She had been hurt so much by her sisters words. They were now getting along, not friends but not enemies either. It kind of hurt to know she had helped rip the family apart. It had been worth while She had two hundred pounds in her bag. She intended to give it to her Nan when they got some time alone.
"Hey Nan." Leila smiled sadly, her Nan opened her eyes which ahd been closed and smiled slightly
"Hello sweetheart." she said her voice still rather hoarse.
"I've brought something." She fumbled with her bag and produced the money. "Its for everyone, especially River and Ellie I know how expensive we are…"
"That is a sweet gesture Lei but you should give it to your brother or Ruth, they are in charge now." her Nan smiled
"You aren't really going to die soon are you." Leila blurted out as her hand flopped back into her lap.
"Yes." She replied simply "My heart wont take much more even if I wanted it too."
"Nan you really cant leave us." she told her "You're the glue that holds this family together and I… I want to prove I'm making something of myself!"
"Well its about time that you all learnt to reply on yourselves and each other Lei." Jay's Nan told her "I know you are making something of yourself sweetheart, two hundred pounds to spare in a month? I know you are going to do well and I am so proud of you for doing it even though I disapproved. You knew where your heart lied, you went through with it, left the family and braved the outside world alone and pulled it off."
"You approve?" Leila asked choking back the tears
"No necessarily approve." her Nan winked "But I am proud of your achievements. You are like your mother in many ways, if you put your mind to it you can do it you just have to keep on the correct track. Don't slip sideways into more undesirable work."
"I will never do that Nan, I don't want to be like her." Leila told her sincerely
"Good." she nodded. "Be the best person you can be Leila." she added simply
"I will." Leila said wiping at a stray tear. "For you Nan."
Her Nan held out her palm slightly and Leila took her hand.
"You should know that I have always been and always will be proud of you sweetheart. My concerns are more that you will slip into something bad like your mother. I only want to protect you. I do not disapprove of your career choice I disapprove of some of the things that go along with it and some of the things that it could lead to."
"I promise I wont touch drugs Nan and I promise I will stay on the straight and narrow. I have seen and felt the damage mum did to us and to the family. I don't want to be anything like that her." Leila said honestly
"I'm glad." She nodded tiredly.
-
Ellie scratched at her sleeve nervously as she took her turn to slip into the private hospital room. She hadn't really talked to her Nan alone since the night she had confessed about her self harm. The disappointment in her eyes had been so apparent and the disgust.. Ellie swore she had seen a flicker.
"I don't bite." her Nan said observing the teenager who seemed so wary.
"I know." Ellie took a seat and avoided looking in her eyes.
"You look so troubled." her Nan commented.
"I'm just worried about you." Ellie said looking up
"I was never going to live forever." she brushed off the concern like it was nothing
"Nan your dying!" Ellie blurted out slamming her fist angily down on the chair arm.
"There is nothing I can do about it Elham." She told her grandaughter "When it is our time it is our time."
"I don't want you to go." Ellie admitted "Everything is my fault."
"Ellie. Now listen to me. If you only listen to one thing I ever say make this be it." She told her grandaughter seriously
Ellie nodded looking in her grandmothers eyes.
"Nothing has ever been your fault." her Nan told her simply. "Ever."
"But…"
"You are as stubborn as your brother." she shook her head smiling slightly "Say it."
"What?" Ellie asked blinking her eyes
"Its not your fault, say it." her Nan told her staring her in the eye.
"Its not.. Its not my fault." Ellie's voice faltered "Its not my fault." The tears started pouring for her eyes
"Sweetheart you will get through this you just have to believe in yourself." Her Nan told her gesturing for her to come over for a hug, which she did awkwardly around the wires. "Depression is a nasty thing." she comforted her "I don't like seeing you so sad or hurting do much." she added in a very understanding voice. "One day you will look back on this, you will have beaten all your problems and have an amazing career doing whatever you choose and you will smile to see how far you have come. I love you sweetheart and I believe in you."
Ellie nodded into her shoulder and remained, head buried against her shoulder soaking the horrible hospital gown her Nan was wearing with her tears.
-
Ruth, Jay and River stepped towards the Private room as Ellie slipped out, still in tears. Ruth nodded to Jay as if to say, 'go after her we'll be fine' he took one look at River before turning on his heal and running after Ellie.
River hid behind Ruth, using the older girl as a shield as the ended the room, her little hand grasping Ruth's so tightly that the older girl was beginning to be concerned she might have no fingers left soon.
"Hey beautiful why don't you stop hiding and come and take a seat?" Jay's Nan suggested
River walked over warily and pushed herself onto the bed. Ruth stood back and let River and her Nan talk.
"Now why do you look so sad?" Jay's Nan asked the little girl
"Your poorly." She mumbled "Your not going to be better are you?"
"No sweetie I'm not." Jay's Nan admitted
"What happens when you die?" River asked innocently her bright blue eyes sparkling
"You become two separate things. A body and a soul. Your body stays here so that your family can say good bye and bury you but your soul goes to a special place called heaven, it takes all your memories and personality and you live happily ever after."
"What about hell?" River asked worriedly You wont go to hell will you?"
"No dear that's just for very nasty people like murderers." Jay's Nan reassured her.
"Will you be happy?" River asked
"I will." her Nan assured her with a small smile
"Good." River smiled
"I wont be here but Jay and Ruth will be and they will look after you."
"I'm going to miss you Nan." River announced so sadly but so innocently it was the six words that finally brought her Nan to tears.
"I will always be in your heart sweetie." She said dabbing at her eyes as the tears flowed faster and more uncontrollably
"How?" River asked curiously
"If you love someone no matter how far away they are their memory will stay with you forever." Ruth said interrupting their conversation as she spotted the uncontrollable tears falling from the older woman's eyes. "it's a little bit like you carry a small piece of them locked up inside you so you can remember them."
"You wont leave will you Ruth?" River asked quickly looking up at Ruth blue eyes meeting blue.
"I'm afraid your stuck with me." Ruth smiled slightly
"Will you be my Mum?" River asked suddenly taking both Ruth and Jay's Nan by surprise.
Ruth looked from the little girl with the bright blue eyes to her Nan who nodded and smiled through her tears.
"If you want me to be." Ruth said holding back her own tears.
"I really do!" River announced jumping off the bed and running to Ruth's side and hugging her "I haven't ever had a Mum."
Ruth ruffled her hair gently. As Jay slipped in the room. He exchanged a small smile with Ruth and she smiled back.
"Look after her." Jay's Nan rasped as she lent back closing her eyes as her breathing became erratic.
"I think you should give your Nan a big hug." Ruth told the little girl recognising that Jay's Nan was deteriorating fast.
"Yes Mum." River used the word proudly as Jay's Nan smiled slightly, Ruth had never seen Jay look so shocked but so happy at the same time, it produced a rather amusing facial expression.
River jumped on the bed and wrapped her arms around her Nan lying on her chest.
"I'll love you forever Nan."
She didn't receive a reply as the machines began to bleep and her Nan's breathing became more erratic. Jay hurried to her side and it was all Ruth could do to peal the eight year old from the bed and get her outside before her Nan went into full cardiac arrest.