Trials of the Heart
Chapter 22 - Left behind.
They knew it was coming.
She was gone.
Ruth had never seen Jay look so heartbroken.
She had put River to sleep with her little rabbit which Jay had brought back from the hospital and the older girls were both in Leila's room celebrating her life and comforting each other while sharing a bottle of wine. Her death had done some good as it had finally bridged the gap between the two of them.
Ruth slipped back into the living room where Jay was still sat looking rather lost on the sofa. She took a seat next to him and rested her head on his chest. She didn't expect a response but she soon found his arm had snaked its way around her shoulder.
"I'm glad it was quick." he admitted.
Ruth hadn't even expected him to want to talk and she didn't really know what to say back so she nodded.
"I'm glad I got to say goodbye." he added "and I'm glad that I was with her. But I already miss her so much." his voice sounded empty
"She was happy." Ruth said wisely as she tried to comfort him "She had a good life and had four brilliant grandchildren."
"I know." Jay nodded he seemed to have run out of tears to cry.
"It still hurts thought doesn't it." Ruth said
He nodded.
She lent her head back down on his chest and wrapped her arms around him to let him know she was there.
"I feel like someone's ripped out my heart and torn it in two." he admitted sadly
"Oh Jay." Ruth mumbled looking up in his eyes
"She was always there. Unconditionally." he sighed sadly "She took care of me since I was a baby, protected me and loved me."
"I am not her and I can't do everything she could but I will always be here." Ruth told him gently "Whenever you need me."
He nodded a thank you and the silence fell between them once more as they sat cuddled up on the sofa, each lost in their own thoughts neither watching the television that was flickering in front of them.
"I love you Ruth." Jay blurted out suddenly. "I really do."
"I love you too." Ruth agreed with a small smile nuzzling her head against his chest.
He kissed the top of her head gently.
-
Ruth woke up in the bed she now once again shared with Jay. She didn't recall climbing the stairs in fact she was almost certain that she had fallen asleep resting her head against his chest while the sat on the sofa. He must have carried her up. She rolled over. Jay was nowhere in sight. Sitting up she looked around confused as to if the day before had actually happened or if it had just been her mind playing a rather horrible trick on her. She slipped out of bed to find she was still wearing the jeans and t-shirt she had been wearing the day before but her shoes had been removed. She warily headed downstairs towards the sound of the radio playing the kitchen.
She glanced at the clock as she passed it. 9.50. She was due in work at 12.00 as was Jay.
"Morning sunshine." He smiled from behind his worn out eyes. Their were black circle encompassing his eyes and he looked exhausted but the smile on his face was genuine. "I've taken River to her school holiday group so you didn't have to and Ellie's headed off to find a summer job already."
"Jay you look terrible." Ruth said bluntly
"Couldn't sleep." he admitted "You looked so peaceful I thought you could do with the rest so I carried you upstairs and put you to bed."
"Where's Leila?" she asked
"Gone back to London, she's got a shoot tomorrow." he shrugged "She wanted to stay but I told her to go, we have to get on with our lives."
Ruth looked at him nervously she thought he looked like he was on the edge of a break down but was trying to put a happy face on.
"Are you alright?" Ruth asked warily.
"Fine, just tired and in need of a shower before work." Jay shrugged
"Your not going to work." Ruth told him bossily "I think you should take the day to get your head around things. You can't work when you look like a zombie anyway."
"I never thought I'd hear the day when Ruth Winters told me not to go to work!" Jay laughed slightly as he passed her a plate of buttered toast.
"Well today you have! I will tell Tess you are taking the day off." Ruth said before biting into her toast.
"Ok" Jay sighed sounding slightly defeated "I guess I could do with a sleep anyway."
Ruth finished her toast them accompanied him upstairs where he slipped off his jeans and grubby t-shirt and climbed into bed. She kissed him good night and tucked him just like she often did for his little sister. Before taking a shower and changing into a fresh outfit. By the time she returned from the shower he was sound asleep. She settled on the end of the bed just watching him for a good half an hour before she kissed him goodbye and headed out deciding to walk to work since she had the extra time and wanted the space to think.
She arrived five minutes early which gave her time to talk to Tess. The friendly nurse who usually despised Jay so much told her she understood completely and he should take any time of that he needed. She also asked Ruth let him know they were all thinking of him.
The emergency department was particularly busy, especially as they were a nurse down. Ruth set to work in cubicles helping clear a few of the mornings patients who needed simple treatments like stitches.
A good hour into her shift she bumped into a worn down looking Zoe. She hadn't seen the older doctor since Nicks funeral. She had taken a few weeks off to recollect herself.
"Zoe?" Ruth asked kindly "Are you ok?" she added as she noticed how distracted the older doctor seemed.
"Yes thanks Ruth." Zoe nodded slightly "As good as can be expected."
"Good." Ruth nodded "Though you don't look very happy." she commented
"Its hard to be happy when someone you love has recently died." Zoe sighed "You should know."
"I know." Ruth reassured her "I take it you've heard about Jay's Nan." She swallowed deeply trying not to well up at the thought of the wonderful older woman.
"Yes I'm sorry, how's Jay taken it?" Zoe asked seeming glad for the distraction from her own problems.
"Not so good really but he is putting on a brave face." Ruth sighed "Life is a fragile thing."
"It is." Zoe nodded in agreement before sighing sadly.
"Are you sure your ok?" Ruth asked gently
"Yeah, Its just very hard you know?" Zoe sighed
"I Know." She agreed putting a friendly arm around Zoe's shoulder "If you want someone to talk to my door is always open." Ruth told her sincerely "Seriously, anything I can do please let me know."
"That's sweet of you dear." Zoe smiled slightly
"Ruth?" Adam shouted from his office door interrupting her conversation with Zoe. "Could you come here a second?"
Ruth smiled at the older female doctor and removed her arm from her shoulder before turning around looking at him curiously and wandering over to his office, he retreated back inside and held out the phone.
"Its Jay."
She took the phone nervously wondering why he was ringing her at work when he was supposed to be sleeping.
"Jay? What's up I thought you were sleeping."
"I need you." he ignored her question as his voice cracked and she thought she could hear him trying to hold back the sobs.
"Where are you?" she asked worriedly
"Park." he mumbled
"Ok, its ok right? I'll be there in five minutes." she told him looking up at Adam as Jay hung up the phone.
"Go." Adam nodded "He sounded very strange when he asked for you."
"Thanks." Ruth forced a small smile on her face making a move towards the door before stopping in her tracks "Can I borrow your phone to call a taxi?" she asked suddenly realising how far away the park was from the hospital.
"Tell you what I'll give you a lift." Adam said taking his car keys from the top draw of his desk
"Are you sure?" Ruth asked touched by the gesture.
"Yes, come on lets go find him." Adam nodded
Ruth lead the way out of the department and Adam let her into his new four door rather posh looking Mercedes. Ruth smiled to herself as she spotted the baby seat in the back of the car. Very Adam, sporty looking car with the hint of the presence of a baby and a family. He often reminded her of man who still partially thought of himself as a bachelor yet loved his family dearly.
They drove through the familiar streets in a comfortable silence. Ruth didn't think she had ever sat in, let alone been for a drive in such a posh car. She felt a little like a princess sat on the posh leather upholstery.
But then her mind flicked back to the task at hand and worry flooded her.
As the pulled up outside the park and Adam parked the car she flew out almost slamming his door into the near by lamp post as she ran in through the gates.
She tried the picnic area.
No sign.
The forest like area.
No sign.
The playing field.
No sign.
The Trees at the edge near the gate.
No sign.
She was becoming more and more panicked when a hand closed around her wrist.
She jumped back and let out a yelp panicking at the unexpected touch.
"Hey…" Adams voice said comfortingly "Its only me." He added as he heard the panic in her voice. "I've found him."
"Where?" Ruth asked relaxing slightly
"On the swings."
Ruth resisted the temptation to hit her head against a tree, she hadn't even thought to look on the actual kids park.
Adam followed in her wake as she ran flat out to the park, sliding through the gate and over to Jay who was looking extremely lose and worn down, hair ruffled and tears streaming down his pale face as he kicked at the dirty viciously.
Ruth walked over. Adam waited behind at the gate looking slightly uncomfortable as the girl knelt down I the dirt and put her finger under his chin and lifted his head so their eyes met.
"I'm here." She said simply
He lent down and wrapped his arms around her falling to his knees and sobbing into her shoulder.
"Shh." Ruth said gently stroking the back of his head.
"It hurts."
"I know Jay, I know." Ruth comforted him "Its all hit you at once hasn't it?" He nodded "You cant be expected to deal with the loss of someone so close without being upset you are human. You can not have life without death but death is such a horrible thing."
"I feel so lost without her." He admitted sadly "How am I supposed to do this without her?"
"You've got to be braver than you have ever been before and trust me because I will be here whenever you need me." Ruth told him gently "It is only natural to mourn for those you love but don't let it take over your life. Time heals everything, the pain will be much less a week from now than it is today and I promise it will get easier."
"I'd be lost without you." Jay admitted pulling away and letting his tear filled eyes meet her once cold but not sparkling blue ones.
"I'd be lost without you too." Ruth admitted with a small smile before kissing him gently on the lips.