Trials of the Heart
Chapter 23 - The Final Goodbye
Funerals were never going to be happy places. Filled with loss and sadness.
Ruth had only been to one funeral in her life.
Her mothers.
It wasn't something she liked to look back on. Not really. Her mother had been far from perfect but Ruth had loved her. The woman may have been ridiculously lazy and unmotivated but she was ten times better than her abusive husband and cocky son.
Some memories of her mother were more pleasant than others.
Finding her.
The thought made Ruth feel so guilty for even attempting to kill herself once let alone twice. Toby, Abs, Jay… they had all found her and experienced that horrible sinking feeling. That desperation to save the person who was fading away in front of them by their own choice. She had caused as much pain as her mother had done, more so as she had never actually completed the task and had caused so many more people to be put in the same situation that had caused her to have nightmares for years.
She felt an overwhelming urge to run over to Toby who was merely a few feet away and apologise profusely for her actions.
Restraining herself as she decided that there was a time and a place for that sort of action she linked her arm with Jay's and smiled up at him reassuringly while he talked to a few old friends of his Nan's.
She knew her support was appreciated, he didn't have to say it anymore.
It was an unspoken agreement between the two of them.
One was there for the other and visa versa.
Finally everyone settled into the pews and Jay stepped up to the stand nervously.
"Its great to see so many familiar faces have turned out even if the reason which we are all together isn't the nicest." Jay said swallowing back the tears as he looked over the crowd. "But Nan wouldn't have wanted us to think of this as a sad occasion even though it is. She'd have wanted us to celebrate her life not to feel sorry for ourselves. As many of you know Nan came over from Iran with my mother long before I was born, she was once a very religious woman, a devout Muslim but her faith has been lost over the years so instead of sitting here and pretending she was a religious person and praying I think it is so much more appropriate to share to good times and the memories. So I would like to invite anyone who would like to say a few words or a memory to come up on the stage after I have shared my own and do so."
Many of the faces were now smiling knowing Jay's Nan would have loved her grandsons idea of her perfect funeral.
"My Nan was brilliant." Jay said simply. "She was born in Iran but she was forced to flee here when my mother was ten. She never did tell me why I guess it was something she would have rather forgotten so I never pushed it. She raised my mother to the best of her abilities but she was unable to keep her from falling off the tracks." Jay looked like he was about to break down into tears "My mother was a teenager when I was born, totally unable to cope. My Nan was more of a mother to me than she ever was and I love her so much for that." a tear fell from his eyes as he felt the emotion overflowing. "She made every day special, she looked after me and eventually my sisters as well without a fuss. She was strict but she was also fun, loving and caring, but most importantly she was always there. Always knowing what to say and what to do." Jay wiped at his tears. "I would hate to think where the four of us could be without her." he added sadly "She saved us."
Jay paused examining the audience carefully gathering himself together.
"When I was a small boy. No older than five or six. I fell over and she was there, she gave me a Spiderman plaster and kissed it better. I think it pretty much sums up my relationship with her." he admitted "And her cooking. No ones cooking will ever taste quite so good!" he smiled slightly as a small rumble of laughter filled the hall "And that slipper. The number of times I did something naughty when I was older and I would find myself being clouted by the slipper!" He laughed as the mental image of his Nan baring down on him with her infamous slipper. "I could never do anything right!" he shook his head with a smile "I will always love her and I will always remember her." he added simply glancing down for the first time at the mahogany coffin in front of him that he had been deliberately avoiding looking at.
He turned and headed off the stage holding the tears back that were threatening to fall, he slipped into the seat next to Ruth as an elderly gentleman headed onto the stage and grabbed her hand, Ruth could feel him shaking and she squeezed his hand tightly kissing him on the cheek and whispering that she loved him so that only he could hear.
It was possibly the most touching hour and a half of Ruth's life. The stories, the memories. It seemed Jay's Nan had never upset anyone, her wisdom always beyond her years and her ability to read people, simply astonishing. She had so many friends, so many acquaintances it was touching to here the stories about her life.
Jay joined a couple of his Nan's old friends carrying the coffin from the church down to a pre-prepared grave. Ruth walked directly behind with River clutching at her hand and Ellie walking so close to her that they would often bump shoulders. Leila, more reserved was to Ellie's left. In her other hand River was clutching a rose she had picked from her Nan's garden that morning and had refused to let go of along with Flopsy the rabbit.
They reached the graveside and the coffin was slowly lowered in. Jay, Ruth and Jay's sisters lined the edge of the grave whilst the friends were slightly further back. As it hit the bottom River let got of Ruth's hand and crouched down dropping the rose onto the top of the coffin.
"Goodbye Nan we love you." She said innocently.
Ruth found tears pouring down her face as she watched the little girl saying good bye to her Nan for the last time. As River stood up she placed her arm across her shoulder and River looked up at her, her bright blue eyes meeting Ruth's.
"Don't be sad she's in heaven now." River told Ruth.
"I know." Ruth squeezed her shoulder as she linked her hand with Jay's who was crying silently as the hole was filled in. Ellie and Leila were stood side by side next to River both wearing similar facial expressions of sadness.
People began to disperse as the hole got fuller but the five of them remained. Watching the process until the end. The grave yard workers finished left leaving them stood in the slowly dimming light. River was now leaning on Ruth tiredly and Jay seemed to have run out of tears but still looked pale.
He was the first to break the silence that had fallen within the small group.
"I reckon we should head over to McDonalds get some yummy junk and go and eat it on the park. Who is with me?" he asked with a small smile.
River lifted her head and bounced over to him. Flopsy dangling by her in her hand dangerously. Ellie and Leila exchanged small smiles too. Ruth watched the remainder of Jay's family gathering around him, he picked River up on his back and the older girls were laughing reminding Ruth distinctly of the picture in the photo album.
As she followed behind a tingly feeling filled Ruth's stomach and she suddenly knew that things would be alright in the end.