Chapter 4: Concentration
XOXOXOXO
Hands ghosted over the heated flesh of my abdomen, never making contact.
I felt as if I had goose-bumps, but my skin never rose. I had chills throughout my entire body. My nipples hardened, though no one was touching them.
I was naked and panting out of control.
I loved it.
There was a sexual charge in the air, my skin hummed and was electrified to life as he finally touched me.
Oh, sweet Lord, touch me again.
His hands, long fingers extended over my flesh and my hips rose to meet him, seeking his warmth.
Why didn't he touch me there? Didn't he know how badly I wanted him?
He was torturing me, driving me insane with want. No, not want, but with need. I needed him to touch me. I would be incomplete until he finally touched me there and brought me to nirvana. I was sure he could bring me to the greatest height I would ever know.
Just as he was about to bring his fingers down to my mound, I heard him speak, "Listen up, it's just not happenin'."
'Scuse me? I couldn't find my voice, I couldn't say anything. I listened intently.
"You can say what you want to your boyfriends."
I don't have any boyfriends, and why are you saying things in rhythm?
"Just let me have my fun tonight, aiight?"
You can have your fun, just don't stop touching me!
"I'm not here for your entertainment."
Oh my God, you're rhyming.
"You don't really wanna to mess with me tonight."
Of course I want to mess with you; you're here for Christ's sake!
"Just stop and take a second, I was fine before you walked into my life."
Oh no. No, no, no, no, no.
"'Cause you know it's over before it began."
Damn bass and catchy lyrics.
"Keep your drink, just give me the money. It's just you and your hand tonight."
I looked into his emerald eyes and was lost to consciousness.
My body flew up in bed, I was startled the fuck out of my mind.
Damn alarm clocks should've never been invented.
"Argh!" I knew that the song being in my dream was a bad sign. Not to mention that I had no relief, none whatsoever, and my lady parts were throbbing and soaked. I fell back onto the bed, beating my hands on the mattress.
It was too early, too cold and way too dark for me to get up. I thought about calling the alarm clock company and screaming at them for making the clock yell mutiny at me. I should press charges for them waking me up from the best dream I had ever had, even if I didn't get any action.
"That was Pink's 'U + Ur Hand', captivating woman she is. In the latest breaking news, there was an attack on a female college student late last night at the University of Washington campus in Seattle. Reports coming in are stating that she was thrown around pretty roughly but is in good, stable condition at a local hospital. So far, no other reports of violence or beatings have been reported. We'll bring you more as this story progresses. Now how about we lighten the mood and play you some soft oldies," the disc jockey said.
The Backstreet Boys started playing and I knew it was time to shut off the damn thing.
I grudgingly dressed for work and ate a small bit of the leftovers from yesterday's dinner for breakfast. Then I headed to work and started my routine all over again.
My typical day at work went something along the lines of this:
Make my way inside the store.
Put my stuff away and get my till full of money.
Open the store and react with customers all day.
Take their money and eventually take my breaks and half hour lunch.
Help out more customers.
Clock off and head the fuck home.
It seemed like today would be no different as I waited for someone to come and open the doors for me. As soon as I saw Galen's face, I knew that I would be in for a day of excuse me's and what the fuck's.
He opened the doors and as I walked in, I muttered a cordial good morning to him, making my way to the back room. I tried to not talk to him if I could avoid it, that way he couldn't blame me for being insubordinate. They couldn't well fire me for not talking to someone, it was against the rules.
I set my stuff in the back and locked it away in my locker. I didn't want anyone stealing my shit. No way in hell.
Then, making my way up front, I clocked in and went straight to the office to get a register till for the day. I was balancing myself pretty well on the crutches; I just had Galen carry my till up front for me.
The rest of the morning went by pretty fast, and as soon as Jen got in I felt immediately better. She was a manager trainee and would be taking over someone's position either at this store or at another one close by. At least now I had someone else to talk to. I hated opening with Galen, he always made me do the shit that he had to do. It wasn't cool and instead of promoting me, they promoted him. What kind of fucking shit was that? I busted my ass, day after day to keep this place running well, and he takes the fucking credit for all of it. What the fuck?
"Good afternoon, Jen! My, my, it's wonderful to see you!" I exclaimed brightly.
She turned to me, a grin in place. "Galen opened, didn't he?"
I replied in my sweetest tone, "Why yes, sugar, he did." I even batted my eyelashes at her and posed coyly.
She laughed lightly at me as she clocked in and started walking towards the back.
"Hey! You're supposed to save me from the wreckage! Get your butt back here!" I yelled after her. She couldn't just disappear on my ass; I actually needed her help with some stuff I was supposed to be doing. Okay, not really, but I couldn't handle being up front by myself all day again.
I heard her laughter from the back room and scowled. She didn't know how much I relied on her presence while Galen was the opening manager. She was my lifeline, the only thing to make my day seem worthwhile.
Eventually she made her way back up to the front and helped me out with several of my errands, mostly climbing on the ladder for me and putting things away when I couldn't reach the shelf the item went on.
"So Bella, you never did tell me what happened to your ankle."
"Jen, I told you. It's not important, really. It happened and now I just want to get better." I groaned.
"You tripped over something again, didn't you?" She paused on the ladder awaiting my answer.
I looked straight ahead as I answered, "Shut it."
"You did! Aw, poor baby. What was it this time? The carpet? Your bed? Oh! How about air?" She snickered as she climbed back down the ladder.
"Ha ha, Shorty. Thanks for making the gimp feel better about everything. Some friend you are." I tried to hobble away, but the ladder was taking up too much room and blocked my only escape.
Everyone at work made fun of Jen and her height. Where I was around 5'5 tall, she stood around 5'2. She was all energy and perkiness. When she was particularly excited, her trademark Asian-ethnic accent would come out; it was extremely funny because she was born in Hawaii.
"Sweetie, I'm sorry. You know that I just can't help it! I lub you hard." She jumped off the last rung of the ladder and tackled my back in a fierce hug. I chuckled at her antics, surely if anyone else had done that they would've gotten fired.
Galen then decided to show up, some papers in hand and that stupid I'm-always-entertained grin. "So how's everything going up here?"
Well shit, you just caught me being back hugged by a short Asian woman who lubs me hard. How do you think everything's fucking going?
I smiled contemptuously at him. He wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a real one and a fake one anyways. Then I snorted. Well, he wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a real one and fake one of those either.
Turning the snort into a cough I tried to wave off his faked look of concern. Clearing my throat, I spoke, "Uh Jen, sweety? You wanna let go of the nice lady now?" I felt her arms release my form. "So what's with the papers?" I continued.
"Oh, these are just some forms that need to be signed for you to still be working with your ankle the way that it is." He handed me the papers and then his own personal pen. Ew. I didn't want to be using that shit. But I was cornered and Jen still hadn't moved the ladder, damn.
I read them over, feeling awkward that Galen still hadn't left my side as I was reading the entire time. I think at one time he actually smelled my hair. Gross.
Hastily signing the documents and passing them over to him, I kept as much distance between us as the situation allowed. He took them from me and grinned. He fucking grinned. Jack-ass.
"Alright then, now that that's settled, I'm going to lunch."
At least I had the decency to wait until his back was turned to shake my head. Of course he'd want to go to lunch. He hadn't done a fucking thing all morning. So surely he'd worked up an appetite.
I watched as he went back to the back room and then emerged a few minutes later with his things and then clock off. Fucking prick milked the company for all it was worth, including staying on the clock when he didn't need to be. Jen and I looked at each other, sharing a look of annoyance. The fact that he got away with it bugged the shit out of her too.
Not much happened between the time that Galen left and the time that he came back. It was slow business as usual. He actually had me wait to go to lunch so that he could finish some transfers paperwork. I had to wait an hour. My stomach was growling at me and he was sitting in the back office doing paperwork. Typical. Finally he came back up front and let me go, asking me if I had clocked out before I left to get my things. I growled under my breath as I hobbled to the back to get my wallet.
The food-court at the mall was passable at best. It had a few good places to choose from, but nothing stuck out at me, so I picked the closest place possible and ordered something that I could carry in a bag.
My sandwich wasn't that good, nor did I really want to down the massively large Dr. Pepper that came with it, but I needed the sugar and at least something in my stomach to make it stop screaming at me. I had a little bit of time left before I had to make my way back to work, so I sat there watching the people around me.
I watched as a mother tried to control her tiny son in a stroller, the kid screaming for some French fries. A young woman with dark hair dragged her boyfriend through the walkway, pointing out things in the windows and practically dancing around him. An older, assumingly married couple walked hand in hand slowly, cherishing the afternoon with each other. At that one I got a little choked up.
They'd been with each other for a long time, yet they still showed their bond to the world as they took in what could have been either one of their last days together. I wondered if I'd ever have that.
My love life wasn't the best out there and it didn't bother me, but I didn't want to end up alone with fifty million cats either. The only time I had sex was an oopsies with Jake. He blew a gasket in less than thirty seconds and mine never came. I figured that I could take care of my own business, so to speak, and haven't looked back since.
But ever since I laid eyes on Mr. Sexhair, I'd been rethinking my situation. I'd give anything for him to push my buttons and yank my chains; probably on a constant basis, like every day for the rest of my life.
I sighed.
I'd even take a kiss, God how I missed kisses. It was an intense emotional connection using our most valued means of communication. It was the way we sustained our health by eating, drinking, and breathing. Before I knew it, my time was up and I had to race back to the store.
The rest of my day was simple. Ring out customers, act pleasantly surprised at whatever they had to say, 'hm' and 'ah' at the appropriate times while they tell me their life's story. I tried my hardest to still be able to do the things that needed to be done, just so Galen couldn't say that I wasn't trying hard enough. I didn't want anyone to think that I couldn't do something just because I had been gimped out. I always had to prove myself.
Eventually it was time for them to count my till and let me go home, thank God. I went to the back and grabbed my stuff, intent on putting as much pavement between myself and the store as soon as possible.
I said goodbye to Jen and told her that I'd see her tomorrow as I crutched out of the front doors of the store. My truck wasn't parked that far away from the main entrance of the mall and I was grateful. The armpits were already starting to chafe at how much I'd used my crutches today. Just wanting to get home and pass out on my bed, I drove home almost as recklessly as I had the night that I'd twisted my ankle.
My complex was as quiet as it usually was, and my stairway problem was getting easier and easier to manage. I was quickly becoming a pro at the stairwell Olympics. I expected to take home the gold any day now.
Unlocking my door and turning off the alarm, I made my way inside my apartment. Glad that I only had a few more days to get through until my next day off. The answering machine glared at me with its red numbers and I grumbled as I made my way over to the offending electronic and pressed the play button.
"Hey Bella, its Jake. I just thought you'd be home by now. You really need to get a cell phone or something, ya know? Anyways, I just wondered if you wanted to go out to dinner or something. I got a promotion at work and I'd like to celebrate with you. Nothing fancy, just something small. I feel like we haven't really talked in forever. So give me a call back, okay? Bye."
I dialed him back quickly, wanting to get it over with. If he was willing to make the trek out here for me then I wouldn't begrudge him that liberty. Before I knew it, Jake was at my door with a bag full of Italian takeout. Sometimes I loved the kid. Like now, when he brought me food.
We had a quiet night in, talking and laughing at old memories. Jake was two years younger than me and still acted like a goofball. It was like old times and I forgot how easily we got along. We were sitting next to each other on the floor of my living room, backs to the sofa and food set out in front of us.
"So, Bells, how are you really?" he asked as he handed me another box that contained a piece of Tiramisu.
I laughed at him as I took the box. "I'm perfectly fine Jake, thanks for asking."
He laughed too. "I'm serious B; it looks like you're not taking care of yourself or something."
"Jake you know how accident prone I am! There's no way that I wouldn't at least have a bruise somewhere on my body that you wouldn't know about. I'm me for cryin' out loud!" I grabbed my fork from the closest box and dug into the wonderfully creamy dessert.
I moaned lightly as the cold dessert hit my tongue and closed my eyes to savor the party that was erupting in my mouth. "Oh, Jake! This is delicious! You know how to worm your way into my heart."
When I didn't hear his reply, I snapped my eyes open in alarm. He was still sitting in front of me, though his body language was tight and controlled. It was as if he couldn't move.
"Jake? You okay?" I moved to put my hand on his arm, though he jerked back from my touch.
"What did I do?" I continued in alarm. As far as I knew I hadn't done anything, but apparently he seemed to think that I had. A sense of unease washed over me.
"I just need to use your bathroom. Where is it?" He got up quickly and went in the direction that I pointed.
I took light pulls from the dessert in front of me while pondering what had just happened with the tall man.
Jake was still a little bit of a mystery to me at times. I was never sure if he'd had other girlfriends or not, but I always suspected that he still had feelings for me. He had dark, expressive eyes and always had a shiny grin on his face. His russet skin always seemed earthy and warm. He reminded me of Arizona, where I was before I decided to move in with my dad. I guess I liked being around him so much because he reminded me of where I grew up.
At times, when I was really homesick and depressed, I used to refer to him as my lighthouse that would always point me in the direction of home. With him I always felt like myself, that I had no pressure to be this other person that everyone else expected me to be. He knew me; he knew what I was and how I acted. And he accepted me.
I felt guilty that I didn't return his affections the way that he wanted me to when we were dating. But I still loved him. Maybe he'll find someone who is worthy of him, who will love him exactly as he will love her. I hoped for him.
He returned a few minutes later smiling as usual and I felt my gut unclench. "Hey Bells, it's getting late, I should be heading home."
"Oh, okay Jake. Here, help me up then I can hobble you to the door," I answered as I held out my hand for him to take.
He pulled me up effortlessly and accidently pulled me into his chest. We hadn't been that close since we were dating and I missed the warmth his body provided.
I turned the awkward accident into a hug and felt his massive arms wrap around me. "Bye Jake. Thanks for coming all the way out here to see me. Call me when you get home okay? That way I know that you're safe." I felt him nod his head and then plant a warm kiss on my forehead.
I opened the door for him and ushered him out, watching as he descended the stairs. Then I closed and locked it, thinking of the mess that I'd have to clean up.
Having my foot gimp out on me wasn't the best thing in the world, and I'd had to make adjustments to the way I did things. For instance, I had to make five trips to and from the living room to clean up everything instead of the usual one or two. By the time that I had finally finished the dishes and had gotten everything put away, Jake was calling me to tell me that he'd gotten home alright.
I went to bed that night thinking of everything that I had encountered within the last twenty-four hours. I woke up from an alarmingly arousing dream to the sound of Pink telling me that I'd be alone with me and my hand for the rest of the night. I worked the usual same ass shift that I always did and had a moment where I choked up at the sight of an older couple being innocently loving with each other. Then I decided to ponder the ways that I've fucked up an innocent person's life.
I am such a bitch.
Bed was calling to me, so I decided that I should just stop thinking before I gave myself a brain hemorrhage and hit the bathroom before I went to bed with the stinkiest garlic breath ever known to man.
I tried staring at the ceiling until I fell asleep, I tried counting sheep until I passed out, I even tried praying – a trick that my mother said always helped her get to sleep – but nothing worked.
I checked once, twice, even three times to make sure that my alarm was set for the next morning. I brushed my teeth again. I even took a warm shower.
Tossing and turning in my bed for the thirty-third time, I resigned myself to the fact that sleep just wasn't going to happen with everything that was on my mind at the moment. So I took out my journal and started a new entry.
I can't stop thinking, reliving the day inside my head over and over again. My mind is reeling with images of the most handsome man I've ever met in my existence and I'm throwing myself under a bus because I'm a horrible person for not loving a perfectly good guy who loves me with all of his heart.
I feel as if I've got two parts of myself warring with each other. Both are on the side of good, but if I go for broke and choose the wrong one I'm fucked. I had a dream, and oh Lordy was it a good one. Man of my Desires, or henceforth known as MD, was the star and I felt complete. But then Perfectly Good, henceforth known as PG, showed up, we had fun and I was happy.
It's not fair because I don't even know for sure if either of them feels anything for me. I know I don't love PG the way that he should be loved, but I don't want to be the old spinster with a bajillion cats that lives in a house reeking of mothballs. I'll probably never see MD ever again, but I'm having delicious dreams about him and I'm afraid that his dream self will ruin all other men for me. For fuck's sake, he was engaged to be married! I shouldn't be thinking about him at all!
I was closing the book when an idea hit me. I took out another page and started fresh.
I know I'll probably never see you again, but I needed to tell you how you made me feel, even if it we only just met. I saw you out of the hospital room and my breathing stopped. I saw your eyes and my whole world righted itself. In the two seconds that I'd known of your being, I was captivated by you and completely yours. You electrified me and set my body on fire. I melted with you. I hallucinated splendid, magnificent, and glorious events when I heard your voice. Even when I was away from you for a day, my subconscious thought it best that I only dream of you. I will continue to only dream of you.
Folding the paper up and tossing it inside my nightstand, I turned out the light and felt my mind lighter than it had been all night.
The next couple of days passed in a blur, things coming and going. My ankle was healing very nicely and didn't even hurt that much anymore, though it was still the color of an eggplant. My head only hurt when I pushed on the bruise, which I only did once and it was an accident I won't ever repeat.
My next day off was Thursday, and I reveled in the awesomeness of finally being home for more than a stretch of a couple hours. I was situated on the couch in the living room, going through my latest journal for something to send in to that contest. I'd decided that I wasn't leaving my apartment at all that day and had stayed in my P.J.'s, a white wife beater and a pair of tie-dyed boxers. The summer air had finally stayed warm for the past few days. My hair was again in a loose bun, off-hand tendrils coming down to grace my face.
It was around noon when I heard the thumping and banging outside on the stairwell. My interest was aroused, so I poked my head out the door to see what was going on. I didn't find anything; the stairs were empty. Shrugging my shoulders, I went back inside and closed the door.
A few minutes later, I heard the same noises and chose to ignore them, thinking that it was definitely time to call Dr. Cullen and tell him of my insanity problems.
A knock on my door startled me out of my thoughts; surely knocking sounds were signs of Dementia? Perhaps the symptoms were for some other cuckoo disease? The knocking happened again and I distinctly heard the sound come from the front door.
I limped over again and opened the door, expecting to see no one there and thus solidifying the fact that I definitely needed mental help.
What I didn't expect to see was one Edward Cullen, sweating and panting like he'd just appeared out of my dirty dreams.
Oh.
My.
God.
What is he wearing?
Shoes.
Yes he was wearing some kind of running shoe, tattered and dirty like they'd been well used for a while.
My eyes traveled upward.
Legs.
Hairy man-legs.
Toned.
Tanned.
Skin.
No pants?
My heart skipped a beat or twelve.
Damn, shorts.
My eyes continued upwards.
White t-shirt. A very wet in some places t-shirt.
My mind went fuzzy.
Blank.
My eyes moved up to his face.
His glorious, sweating, excited looking face.
His lips were moving.
What?
Was he talking?
Huh?
Shit!
What the hell Bella? Snap out of it!
"...alright?"
Fuck, what did he ask? Was I alright? Uh, no, farthest thing from there at the moment actually, now that you mentioned it.
"Uh, yeah." I answered in my best shaky-voice impersonation.
His green eyes were alight, almost as if he was laughing. It was then that I took in the scene behind him.
The door to the next apartment was opened and I saw boxes piled in heaps near the door. The commotion I heard earlier must have been them trying to get upstairs with all of the stuff that I currently saw.
"Er, so you're moving in?" My voice was a little better than the just-got-off-the-roller-coaster one I had a second ago.
He opened his mouth to speak but then a young woman skipped over to us and interrupted him.
"Hi! I'm Alice, Edward's cousin." Her hazel eyes were shining too, although I took hers to be from happiness and excitement rather than exertion. She seemed to radiate giddiness and enthusiasm. Lucky her.
She was around my height, possibly an inch or so shorter, but her black spiky hair made up for the difference as it stood out a few inches from her head. She was dressed in the best looking designer clothes I had ever seen from a magazine. Seriously, this girl had style. And guts. She was wearing some kind of thick sandal with a heel, a pair of beige shorts, and a pink polo shirt. I've never known anyone to wear heels while moving someone into a new apartment. Then again, I don't know that many people. She looked vaguely familiar to me, though I couldn't place where I'd seen her before.
Edward's mouth was still opened, but Alice either didn't see it or didn't want to because she continued without missing a beat.
"Now really, what kind of friend would I be if I didn't invite you in to my new abode?"
Edward seemed to have finally found his voice, "Alice, you've only just met her. You're not even acquaintances yet!"
"Oh, pish-posh! Why do you always insist on ruining my fun, Edward? Can't you see that we're already besties?" She had turned to him, head cocked to the side and finger pointed towards him in mock-outrage. She even had the scowl on her face.
It seemed as though Edward had some balls, because even I was slightly scared of the woman I had just met, when he replied. "Really, Alice? What's her name?"
Shit, he even did the one eyebrow raise and narrowed eyes thing. Make his balls gold.
She didn't flinch as realization dawned on her. She turned to me and asked, "Do you mind if I use your kitchen for a second? My hands are all dirty and I haven't unpacked the washcloths yet."
"Oh, no, go right ahead. It's uh, right through, well, there and to the left," I mumbled out.
"Thanks sugar, I'll be back in just a few seconds." My eyes followed her as she took the directions I had given her, when a cool breeze pushed past me.
It was then that I realized that I wasn't really wearing anything appropriate to be out in public in. My arms crossed in front of my chest protectively, trying to keep my pebbled nipples from being caught standing at attention. I rotated my body towards Edward again and found that he was staring at me. I felt my blush betray me and ducked my head.
As Alice had said, it was only a couple of seconds before she was next to me, an eager smile on her face.
"Now Bella, why don't you change your clothes and head over? I'll need all the help I can get while I unpack. We can get to know each other."
XOXOXOXO
A/N: Thanks to Ellie and Amelia for being fantastic betas. Also, thanks to my mom for all of her support.
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