Chapter 13: Yippee-Ki-Yay, Mother-Trucker.

XOXOXOXO

The manager from Starbucks looked at me oddly.

Well, he looked at me like any other normal person would if they were watching a crazy chick laugh hysterically. I was doubled over, clutching my stomach, remembering the scene that took place only moments before.

They say that laughter is contagious; soon everyone around me was also laughing from the lunacy of the event that had just taken place. I mean really, who wouldn't find a lady flashing her golden globes in the middle of a coffee house hilarious?

Okay, so the pregnant lady near the door didn't, but she was the one exception.

And the bald guy behind her.

But really, everyone else inside the café was laughing with me.

Ah shit, I didn't care if they were or weren't, I was cracking the fuck up.

Alice stood in front of me, silent streams of her humor rolling down her cheeks as she gasped for breath.

Emmett clutched at her shoulder, trying to keep himself from toppling over as his guffaws shook his entire frame.

Rosalie was shrieking her hilarity, her forehead leaning on Emmett's shoulder as she pounded her fist against the countertop.

Jasper's face was crumpled up, his features scrunching together as his hearty chuckle passed through his lips.

Edward's laughter was music to my ears. I still felt his hand on my back, shaking with his chuckles.

"Oh, sweet monkeys in a barrel of trout! That has got to be one of the most absurd things to ever have happened!" Jasper finally got out after our laughter had died down.

"Oh, please, I need to sit down. I don't think my legs can hold me much longer," I barely managed to squeak out.

I moved away from the group. A new barista had come to their aid and was taking their orders as they each wiped away their own laughter-induced tears.

Even the promise of a free coffee couldn't get me to pick one up.

It was muck on so many different levels for me.

Thankfully the table Edward and I had been leaning against a moment before was still empty, so I pulled up a chair and plopped down onto it.

I don't think I've laughed that hard in… Jesus… forever.

It felt so freeing and empowering.

Leaning back in the black wire chair, I took in the scene around me. There was still a line waiting to order their coffees, but most of the room had cleared out. Everyone was most likely spooked after what had just happened.

Edward walked over to me, small water in hand.

I looked at him with my eyebrows raised.

"What? It's not coffee, and they can't really ruin water," he defended.

Oh, but they could. Evil corporate America at it's finest could do anything they fucking wanted.

He sat down next to me on the other available chair, taking a small sip of the water as I chuckled.

I watched him out of the corner of my eye, watched the way his lips wrapped around the straw as he took small pulls from his drink, watched his Adam's apple bob with each swallow he took, watched as his long fingers wrapped elegantly around the cup.

I was startled out of my drooling stare as the rest of the group approached us.

Holy Hell! If I get caught staring again someone will definitely know what's going on in my panties. That would not be a good thing.

I looked up just in time to see Jasper grin at me.

FUCK! Fuckity fuck, fuck, fuck!

"Let's get going! I can't wait around all day, you know," Emmett barked out suddenly, breaking into my internal cursing.

I felt the heat of my blush across my cheeks as I determinedly kept my eyes on the floor and stood up from the chair.

What was this, Catch Bella Staring Day?

Maybe I should just walk around with my eyes closed for the rest of the day.

Oh yeah, that's a brilliant plan, embarrass yourself even more by randomly running into things. I won't die of humiliation at all.

Rosalie and Alice walked up to me with their drizzled caramel iced macchiatos in hand.

"Are you sure you don't want any coffee, Bella? Starbucks giving away anything for free is a once in a lifetime opportunity," Alice said as she turned the drink back and forth in her hand.

"Please, Starbucks and my stomach just don't play well together, Alice," I mumbled as the three of us started walking out of the café, Edward, Jasper and Emmett behind us.

"Ah, that would be an acceptable reason, then," Rosalie agreed as she linked an arm with mine.

We all climbed slowly back in to Edward's car, the sun now streaming brightly outside.

"Is there anywhere special I should park? That way we're closer to your work and won't have to walk all through the mall if we don't want to?" Edward asked as he tried to navigate the parking lot.

The fucker was crowded as hell for a Saturday morning.

"Well, whatever you can get, thank your lucky ass stars. Try to get something near the Target though, that'll definitely make it easier," I stated from the backseat.

He found a spot in the far back, rows upon rows of cars' windshields gleamed in the sunshine as we slowly walked towards the front entrance of the mall.

"Well, Bella. Edward said it earlier, if you want anything all you have to do is tell him and he'll take care of it. Is there anything you need?" Alice said teasingly.

I need to get seriously laid, but that's not going to take place at the mall. Even I'm not that much of an exhibitionist. Oh, and panties. Mine dissolved back at the apartment complex thanks very much to your cousin kissing me.

I shook my head. "No Alice, there isn't anything that I can think of off the top of my head that I need at the moment. But I'll let you know," I answered as I winked at her.

She, Rose and I led the way while the three boys walked behind us. Really, it was a fucking mall. There wasn't anything to be afraid of, the big pussies.

The closest entrance to my work was located in between Target and some lame sports store called Big 5. Once we made our way through the wall of doors, we were blasted with cold air conditioning. I shivered lightly, wrapping my hands around the tops of my arms and rubbing to try and keep warm.

Stupid mall management would rather their customers' freeze when they didn't need to and burn when they could've been spared.

I felt Edward step up behind me, his hands joining my own as I tried to warm up my cold skin.

"Bella, you're freezing! Do you want to borrow my shirt or something?"

Hmm, shirtless Edward walking around in the cold… no, Bella, no! If seeing him fully clothed is enough of a problem, just think what you'd be like if he was half naked!

"Uh, that's awfully sweet of you, but I'll be okay soon," I rejected slowly, almost mumbling into my chest.

Hello nipples, I see you've decided to take the defensive and become rock hard glass-cutters. We could take this show on the road, or better yet become world class criminals. Bella the Nipple Cutter, at your service.

Fantastic, I'm talking to my boobs.

Mental facepalm because I'm a head case.

He continued to rub my arms, adding more warmth to other parts of my body as he replied, "At least let me help you warm up a little bit, I hear hypothermia doesn't help one shop at all."

You can warm me up by rubbing me a little lower, in the pubic area. It's been a long time since someone else's hands were down there and believe me, my kitty is awfully lonely. She'd absolutely purr if you only greeted her and stayed for a little while. I got the rest of my life, how about you?

I chuckled at my inner pervert and agreed, eager for his hands on me at any cost.

Emmett and Jasper had come forward, walking by their respective partners with their hands clasped together.

It was a short distance from the front doors to my store, Fuego. As the six of us walked in, I noticed that there wasn't anyone running the floor. No one had cleaned up properly and the store's music wasn't even on.

Jesus, I'm not even on the clock and I'm acting as if I am. It's not like I'm management or anything, if everyone else doesn't care about this place, then I don't either. It gets too tiring to be the only person who treats the store like it's something special, something to be taken care of.

I stopped in the entryway and announced, "Well, this is it. Go ahead and take a look around while I go find Galen."

Edward's hands stopped on my arms as I stepped away from him and headed towards the back office. I turned around to see him wandering along the isles in between the other two couples, picking up things and smiling.

It caused me to smirk through my haze of anger over the store being abandoned.

Making my way to the office door, I knocked loudly on it. If Galen was in there sleeping, I'd junk punch him. No. Joke.

A moment later, I was greeted with his unpleasant face smiling at me.

Jesus, the man was ugly. No, he was fugly. Fugly as all hell breaking loose and only the special demons couldn't get out.

His blonde hair shimmered in the fluorescent lighting, making his face seem to glow sickly. Blue eyes gazed blankly at me from behind his horn-rimmed black glasses as if he didn't know who the hell I was.

I'd worked with the fucking man the entire time I'd been with the company; he'd better damn well know who the hell I was after all this time.

Recognition flashed over his features as he realized who I was.

"Oh, Bella. Great, I need you to do some inventory preparation today, as well as reorganize the shelving system in the back," he said as he looked me over.

I shivered involuntarily. "I'm not-"

"Oh, and you'll definitely be getting written up for your attire. You know what you're wearing is against policy," he interrupted me as he looked over my form again, his eyes settling on my chest.

Crossing my arms over my breasts, I tried to talk to him again, "But Galen, I don't-"

"Are you arguing with me? Bella, you'll have to be written up for insubordination as well," he snapped as his eyes flashed to mine.

Cheese and fucking rice!

"Galen! I don't work today!" I snapped loudly. Damn guy wouldn't let me get a single word in edgewise and here I am explaining the most obvious thing. If only he'd done his job he would've known that I wasn't on shift.

"Oh, you're not?"

I shook my head.

"Well, what are you here for?" he snapped.

Fucking prick, I'm here to sweep you off your lopsided feet and whisk you away into the sunset. What else would I be here for?

"I was just checking to see if the schedule's been made for next week," I said politely.

"Yeah, there are a few copies up front," he said rudely before slamming the door in my face.

Well, that was unexpected.

I nodded mutely at the door before turning and making my way back up front.

Who was supposed to be working the floor? The registers? What if some random person came into the store and stole something?

Jesus, stop thinking Bella. What good will it do you now?

Shaking my head at myself, I walked up to the front counter and looked around for our work-board. It was a two-inch thick binder that held various items from the schedule to price changes that still needed to be completed. I saw a customer come into the store from the corner of my eye.

It was an older gentleman, someone who'd been into our store more than once over the last year or so. He could've easily been my grandfather with his white hair combed over smoothly and slightly wrinkled face smiling as he walked farther into the store.

Oh Lord love a duck, not again.

I dropped the work-board and pivoted on my heels, my eyes scanning the isles in front of me for any one of my friends.

Shit, I just needed one of them. The store wasn't big enough for me to lose five people for fuck's sake!

I crouched down and slowly started walking down the walk-ways, checking each and every direction for some sign of my friends. I had to find someone; they didn't know who I was dealing with if the old guy found me.

He'd been coming in at least once a month for the last year, hitting on me and asking me out at every opportunity. I'd been rejecting him nicely each time, stating a boyfriend of some sort held onto my heart. Every time he'd come in, I'd been working and now that I was here off the clock, if he saw me, he'd probably want to meet my boyfriend.

Well honestly he probably didn't care, but I really didn't want to get caught in my lie.

I hated lying in the first place, but I couldn't just trample on someone's feelings willy-nilly. I had a conscience after all.

Luckily, I found Jasper and Alice near one of the side windows of the store, looking at some jewelry. She was looking between two sets of silver hoops with burnt orange rhinestone accents inside while he had his arm wrapped around her waist trying to help her out with a decision.

"Jazzy, I don't know which one would go better with that dress that I have. You know the one with the fringe on the bottom? What do you think?" Alice mused from in front of me as I sneaked over.

"Alice! Can I borrow your boyfriend for a few minutes? It's an emergency!" I whisper-yelled at her, breaking into her thoughts about the trinkets in her hands.

She looked perplexed, but nodded silently all the same.

"Thanks! Come on, Jasper. I need you to pretend that you're mah lovah," I whispered while snatching his hand from Alice's waist.

"What, little darlin'?" he asked while chuckling.

"Perfect! Just keep that up until this guy leaves. He's been coming for months asking me out, but he's old and grey and just gives me the icks," I quickly explained while shivering.

Seriously, the guy creeped me out like no other.

"Now, why didn't you grab Edward? He would've been the perfect thing you're looking for," Jasper said quietly in my ear.

I felt the blush on my cheeks. "Because I found you first. Believe me, I feel bad enough creeping in on Alice's territory with you," I said lowly through clenched teeth, aggravated for having to pretend I was in a relationship with someone.

I smoothed down my clothes from my stint at trying to be stealthy and pulled him along with me to the front of the registers, where the guy was perusing the wall behind the counter.

I heard Jasper laugh softly before he sighed and shook his head. Wrapping an arm loosely around my waist, he ushered me forward with his free hand.

See my general plan was to at least have Jasper walk with me and if the guy saw us then I could introduce the two of them.

"See! I told you one of these days you'd meet my honey. This is Jasper," I said to the older gentleman, gesturing to Jazz with my free hand as we walked up.

Apparently my mouth didn't receive the message from my brain.

What, no Hi, how are you? How you been? Nope, just straight to the heartache, Here, let me rub in my supposed boyfriend in your face. Nice, Bella. Way to go with that one.

I glanced up at Jasper to see him grin and extend his free hand out to the other man.

"It sure is nice to meet you, sir."

The older man glared at Jasper and eyed him up and down while shaking his hand.

"So, you like 'em Southern, don't you?" he griped from in front of us.

"Er, yes. I like my southern gentleman. He's a sweetheart," I said while resting my hand on Jasper's chest. My other arm wrapped behind him, resting on the top of his back lightly.

Hmm, Jasper's got some firm pecs. Alice is way lucky.

Oh God, I'm objectifying men. Hey, it's the twenty-first century, about time, right?

"You young kids wouldn't know the first thing about seasoned men, always choosing the younger ones," he snarled before turning away from us abruptly and walking out the front doors of the store.

Wait, weren't the women supposed to be saying that?

"Well, that was interesting to say the least," I mumbled as I dropped my hand from Jasper's back.

He turned to me, leaning against the counter in the process. "Bella, you know Edward would've helped you out," he said seriously.

I sighed, walking up to the counter and rifling through the work-board looking for the new schedule.

"I know. I would've liked him to as well," I admitted.

Yeah, I could've gazed up at Edward like a lovesick puppy. Too easily, I could have. But what would I have done then to make the distinction between pretend and real? I would have wanted to stay that way forever.

Finally, after staring at the page in front of me for far too long, I realized that I'd been looking at the schedule all along without really seeing it.

"Bella, look at me," Jasper said once I started moving again.

Placing my hands on the counter, I turned my head to look into his blue eyes. So crystal clear and expressive, begging me to listen to his next words.

"I can sense the feelings the two of you have for each other. It reminds me a lot of what Ali and I had when we first started dating. Why are you fighting so hard to not see that?"

"Because I don't deserve him, Jasper. I'm not-"

"Isabella, if you say you're not good enough for someone you have feelings for then we have a lot to teach you about self-value. You're view is impossibly skewed," Jasper snapped at me.

Jesus, only my parents called me Isabella when they were upset with me. Jasper was radiating it.

I swallowed hard, preparing myself to speak when Alice pranced over.

"So did Jazz help you out with your problem, Bella?" she asked giggling.

Hmm, seems like she had a front row seat to the show.

I glared at her. Instead of coming up with a retort I 'hmphed' and gathered a schedule in my hands.

I heard Rosalie, Emmett, and Edward walk up behind me.

"Okay Rose, so it looks like I have next Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday off. I'll probably be dropping by on Wednesday."

"Fantastic! If we need to keep it over night, is that a problem?" Rose asked.

I shrugged. "Nah, I can take the bus."

"Why don't I take you? At least from the shop back home. I don't like the idea of you riding the bus," Edward said from my left.

I looked over my shoulder at him. "Really, Edward, I can ride the bus. It's not like I haven't had to do it before."

Okay, granted it was back in my old hometown of Forks, but the same principles applied to riding a bus in Seattle.

And I still had my pepper spray.

"Why don't you go in and volunteer at the hospital on Wednesday, Bella? You haven't been over there in ages. Edward can take you home afterwards," Alice piped up from behind Jasper on my right.

"That's a good idea, Alice," Edward answered.

Yes, it was a good idea. But it still didn't answer the question of how I was going to get to the hospital in the first place. Unless Rose and Emmett's shop was within walking distance of the hospital, I'd have to take some form of transportation to get there.

"And I can take you from the shop to the hospital," Emmett said from next to Rose, as if reading my mind.

"I can't ask that of you guys. Besides, you've probably got more important things to do, other cars to work on or something," I deflected.

Really, I wasn't an invalid. I could get from the shop to the hospital in one piece.

"What, you don't wanna ride with the Emster? Ah Bellsy, that hurts," Emmett pouted as he placed one of his large hands over his heart.

"It's not that, Emmy Bear. You know I wouldn't mind riding with you," I said sincerely as I turned around and placed a hand on his shoulder. Or what I could reach of it.

His face split into a beaming smile. "Excellent! Then after you bring in your truck, I'll be taking you to the hospital to volunteer with Edwardo the Weirdo over here," he said as he tilted his head in Edward's direction.

Edward's pursed lips and raised eyebrow towards Emmett in response was hilarious. All of us started laughing at the counter, just enjoying the moment.

Then Galen had to go and ruin it by showing his ugly mug.

"What's going on here?" he asked as he came up on us at the counter.

"Oh, I was just getting a schedule," I replied evenly.

"Bella, these people are distracting others, so I would like to ask you to tell them to leave," he whispered as he walked behind the counter to stand in front of me.

For reals? I wasn't even working, no one was in the store, and he wanted me to tell my friends to leave. First off, someone asking a customer to leave the store had to be done by a manager. It's not a part-timer's job. Secondly, I can't do anything regarding work anyways. I wasn't on the clock!

I sighed heavily, trying to keep my anger at bay.

It was one thing to ask me to do something, it was another to ask me to do it to my friends.

"You know what, guys? Let's just go. I spend way too much time here as it is," I said slowly, my eyes seeing red as I thought more about what he was asking me to do.

Fucking prick.

Fucking cocksucking prick.

Gah! I just wanted to smack him right across the face!

Whipping the schedule from the counter-top, I folded it in half swiftly, then once again to fit it inside one of my pockets.

Upon hearing my words, Emmett and Rosalie started leaving the store, hands clasped together and swinging freely between them.

I couldn't look at Edward. One, I was sure my eyes were tearing up again, and two, I didn't want to misplace my anger with Galen onto him.

He didn't deserve my anger.

At least not now, he'd been nothing by kind and generous to me today.

I stormed out of the store, the blood pumping through my veins quickly and making my whole body feel on edge. Okay, so I probably didn't storm out, but the way my feet felt like they were hitting the tiled floor made it seem like I was stomping my feet.

The nerve! He had to ask me to tell my friends to leave! They were customers! First and foremost, Galen should've thought of it that way. But no, he saw them as people I was here with, people I liked interacting with.

I swear he was out to get me!

I needed to sit down, calm my jets and resituate myself. If I didn't, my legs felt like they might give out on me. Yeah, it wouldn't be too good if I collapsed at the mall.

I could just imagine the excitement as crowds would've gathered around me on the cold floor.

"Hey guys? Can we sit down for a minute?" I asked our group in general. I got a few mumbled assents as we started in a new direction.

Without thinking consciously, my feet carried me to the food court.

"Uh, Edward? God, I really hate to ask you this, but could you get me a water from Fox Hollow? It's free and I've just realized that I'm completely thirsty," I said as we made our way into the cafeteria.

"Sure Bella, anything you want," he agreed as he walked ahead of us. I looked for the nearest open stand, hoping to try and calm the muscles that were screaming for some sort of retaliation.

Rosalie and Emmett found one before I could, waving the rest of us over from their own spots at the circular table.

"So, before we attack the big, pink elephant in the room, I just want to ask you something, Bella," Rose said as we all sat down, waiting for Edward's return.

We all turned to her, faces expectant for the next words to come out of her mouth.

What could she want to ask me about now?

"Edward kissed you," she stated slowly, eyes darting back and forth between me and Alice.

"That's not a question, sweetheart," I said slowly, trying to avoid the situation and feeling the blush rise up on my cheeks.

"Well no, but this is. Why don't you go with him to Alice's Halloween party? You know, matching costumes or something? I think he'd like that," she said, blue eyes boring into mine.

"Uh, because his fiancé wouldn't really like that," I said as I narrowed my gaze at her.

Duh.

Well, at least I thought it was a duh.

"Wait, what?" Emmett asked, leaning forward in his chair, head cocked to the side as if he hadn't heard me right.

"Is that why-" Alice started, cutting herself off as she gazed at me in thought, a hand coming up to her mouth.

"Holy Hell," Rose said as she slapped her palm to her forehead.

I looked around confusedly.

"Sweet mother of Alton Brown, ain't that a kick in the nether regions," Jasper said in wonder.

"Jazz?" I asked carefully.

He turned to me, stunned expression on his face.

"Bella, sugarpie, Edward doesn't have a fiancé," he said delicately.

Wait… what?

"Of course he does," I said confidently.

"Who is he getting hitched to then?" Jasper asked softly.

"Tanya," I whispered. Suddenly I felt scared.

Everyone's faces whipped up at me.

"Tanya?!" Rosalie screeched incredulously.

"Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no," Alice laughed.

Emmett sputtered and snorted into full-blown laughter.

"Sugar, Edward's never even dated Tanya. What would make you think he's marrying her?" Jasper consoled me softly.

"Jessica. The first time I met her, she said Tanya was Edward's fiancé," I said softly.

"Well see, that's your problem right there. Jessica's a gossip hound," Jasper explained.

"Then… oh," I managed out under my breath.

My heart landed in my chest with a resounding thud.

He wasn't engaged.

He.

Wasn't.

Engaged.

I think I went into shock. The next thing I knew, Alice was shaking me forcefully at the table in the food court.

"Bella! Bella, sweetie, are you okay? Please talk to me!" Alice said worriedly.

I blinked once.

Then again.

Holy mother-fucking, cock-sucking, pieces of ass-cream.

Edward Cullen wasn't engaged.

Well, that's a surprise.

XOXOXOXO

A/N: Thanks to Ellie and Amelia for being fantastic betas. Also, thanks to my mom for all of her support.

The Giggle Snort Awards are accepting nominations. So if you've read a fic recently that's made you giggle, snort, chortle, spray liquid out of your nose, or has had you rolling around on the floor in full out guffaws, please nominate it.

www(dot)gigglesnortawards(dot)mmmboptastic(dot)com(backslash)nominate(dot)php

I'll be up for auction during The Fandom Gives Back, Eclipse edition starting June 26th at 10 AM EST. Big on me if you'd like me to write something for you, $5.00 gets you anything your deepest heart desires ;). Auction ends July 2nd at 11:59 PM EST (8:59 PM PST). It's all for a very good cause!

www(dot)ThefandomGivesBack(dot)com

Please leave a review!