~25~

"I killed my baby," the painful words escaped Sheridan's mouth a second time. "My baby died because of me. I killed him."

"Sheridan, no," Katherine clasped her daughter's chilled hand and held on. "The doctors explained to you. The pregnancy wasn't viable. Nothing you could have done would have changed things. The miscarriage wasn't your fault."

"You're wrong," Sheridan wrenched her hand from her mother's grasp and whirled around, once again shutting her and her words of reason out.

Katherine's hands hovered over Sheridan's shoulders, frozen and uncertain. She felt powerless, unable to prevent her daughter from hurtling down the train wreck of emotion she was on.

"He died because of me. Because I was stupid and selfish and so desperate for affection I didn't think of anyone else or their feelings. Only mine. He died because…I didn't love him like a mother should." Sheridan's shoulders slumped and her voice dropped to a ragged whisper that Katherine had to strain her ears to hear. "Deep down I resented him. My own child," she faced her mother again, a broken woman. "I resented him for coming between me and my chance at happiness with Luis. How could I ask Luis to accept and love another man's child? A constant reminder of my weakness and lack of faith? I…I couldn't. God help me, I couldn't, and instead of accepting responsibility for my own choices, my own actions, I blamed an innocent child—my child."

Katherine remained silent while Sheridan took a shuddering breath, visibly trembling as she spoke her next words, her blue eyes filled with shame.

"I didn't cry when I lost him. I didn't scream at God. I…I felt…relief. The guilt and the tears came later. But my life wasn't over, the last link between me and Chris was gone, and all I could feel was this overwhelming sense of relief," Sheridan whispered softly. "What kind of person does that make me? What kind of mother? Marty deserves better. My sweet, sweet little boy deserves better. Luis is right. I DO hurt everything and everyone I touch. Just like Father. I'm poison. You're better off without me. All of you."

The depth of her daughter's self-loathing shattered Katherine, and she wept silent tears for the fragile heart laid bare for her, the little girl who'd herself deserved so much more than the mother that had abandoned her to the monster on the hill. "Don't. Don't you ever say such a thing again. You are a good mother. A good, decent person, Sheridan. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise," she hissed vehemently, cradling Sheridan's tear-stricken face between her hands. "You are a good mother. You're not poison. You're not evil. You're not anything like him. Sheridan, look at me," Katherine pleaded. "You're good and kind and everything Alistair Crane is not. Don't you forget that. You're human, and because of that, I love you even more. I don't want to hear anymore of this nonsense about my being better off without you because it just isn't true." She opened her arms, and Sheridan crumbled into them. "My life is better for you having been in it. Marty's life is better."

Sheridan hugged her mother tighter, desperately wanting one thing.

To believe.

Understand a little better where Sher's coming from now?

But like Katherine said...she's only human. Painfully so.

She needs to learn to stop running, stay in one place, and fight for what she believes/wants.

Of course, Luis needs to do his part.

Thoughts, comments, questions?

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Thanks so much for reading!