BEFORE YOU READ! Watch this: .com/watch?v=VF9-sEbqDvU

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA or Marcel the Shell with Shoes on….as much as I want to…

Shell

Not many people knew this, but Roy Mustang was a daredevil. He laughed in the face of danger and took risks that most people would never take. Things like walking at the edge of a cliff, diving in shark-infested waters, and, the bravest thing a man could ever do: insult Edward Elric's height. This was even more dangerous than sticking your hand in the cage of a vicious tiger that hadn't been fed in three weeks. Yet Mustang did it, all because he liked teasing the little guy. Like when a father ruffles his son's hair even if he ties to squirm away. And it seemed like he had an endless list of short jokes. But the Colonel was not perfect; even he ran out of ideas.

It was on this day that his mind went blank. The Elric brothers had returned from yet another false lead to the Philosopher's Stone.

"Yeah yeah, another dead end, waste of money; I've heard it all before." Ed scowled and turned to leave,

"Wait Fullmetal, I wouldn't go out there just yet if I were you."

Ed turned around. "Why?"

He pointed to the window. "It's drizzling. You're at risk of drowning!" He smirked.

"You said that two weeks ago."

"…I did?"

"Yup." He nodded.

"….umm….you're so short….uh…..um…."

"HA! You're losing your touch! Your threats are USELESS now!" Ed laughed mockingly and walked out.

Roy frowned. "Dammit…I gotta think up some new material!"

-A few days later-

The Flame Alchemist was sitting at his desk with a big smile on his face.

"You're looking happy today." Havoc commented. "Too happy. I'm a little scared…"

"Oh, you shouldn't be the one who's scared." He chuckled evilly.

It was then that Ed walked in. "Hey, you wanted to see me?"

"Why yes, I did. But this is an announcement for everyone as well. Yesterday I saw this video on YouTube ®…"

"You were watching YouTube ® videos when you were supposed to be doing your paperwork…again?" Riza asked.

Roy ignored her. "The video reminded me of you, Ed, because the main character was a TINY, LITTLE, shell named Marcel!"

Ed frowned and twitched. "Tiny…little…"

"So, I think I'll compare some of the characteristics of Marcel to you…." He cleared his throat and began…

"Guess what Ed wears as a hat?"

After a moment of silence, the colonel's team asked, "What"

"A lentil!"

The five soldiers nervously looked at one another, not wanting to laugh so as not to face Ed's wrath.

"One time Ed nibbled on a piece of cheese and his cholesterol went up to 900!"

Again, they wanted to laugh but at the same time they knew the consequences.

"Guess what Ed uses to tie his skis to his car?"

"What?"

"A hair! Guess what his skis are?"

"What?"

"Toe nails from a man!"

It was becoming more and more difficult for them not to laugh.

"Guess what Ed uses as a beanbag chair? A raisin!"

Fuery broke first. He snickered then quickly covered his mouth and looked terrified. Ed did not seem to notice. In fact, he was standing quietly in front of Roy's desk, listening to everything he was saying.

"Guess what Ed does for adventure?"

"What?"

"He hang glides on a Dorito®!"

Havoc was next. He let out a chuckle, as did Fuery.

"Guess what he uses as a pen?"

"What?"

"He uses a pen but he needs everyone's help!"

The rest of the team started to chuckle. "Well, it seems safe…" Breda said.

"Ed's afraid to drink soda because he's afraid the bubbles will make him float up onto the ceiling!"

Now the team was starting to laugh out loud.

"Ed's one regret in life is that he'll never have a dog…"

The team laughed during the long pause.

"So instead he drags around a piece of lint tied to a hair! And guess where he found that lint?"

"Where?" They all asked, smiling.

"Under a tooth! Well, you know what they say,"

"What?" They struggled to ask as they were laughing too much.

"A lint is a chibi's best friend. One time Ed smelled the smell from an old tennis sneaker and it knocked him right out! One time Ed looked at a diamond and it gave him a sunburn! Ed can't even lift up a crayon! He can't lift anything up at all!"

Roy smiled triumphantly. "There. I'm finished."

The team settled down, shaking from hysterics.

"I think you've filled your short joke quota for the next six months." Riza said with a smile, wiping at a few tears in her eyes.

The Flame alchemist looked at the Fullmetal alchemist. "Well Fullmetal, what do you have to say? Am I useless now?"

Ed was silent for a moment. "Ok, you won…for now. Enjoy your victory Colonel," He turned to leave. "It won't last long." With that, he walked out.

Roy sat back in his seat and put his arms behind his head. "Like I'm scared."

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A few days later, Roy walked out of the building and was immediately pelted with countless water balloons. He blinked in confusion and looked around frantically for the source. He soon found Ed standing a few feet away from him, a bucket of water balloons next to him.

The blonde alchemist smirked and tapped his sneakers together. "I won't fight unless I'm provoked."

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