Finding Home
(the sequel to "No Better Mistake")
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.
NOTES:
Sorry it's been a little longer than usual! I hope you all can forgive meee.
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13
"You made all this?" Remus asked, sitting up a little further in bed, as Sirius proudly set down the plate in front of him. True, the chocolate chip pancakes placed before him looked a little burnt, but as Sirius, beaming, handed him a steaming cup of coffee, it was obvious that he was trying. Taking a sip, Remus suppressed his urge to gag at Sirius' idea of the drink (he seemed to have added equal parts of coffee and sugar), opting, instead, to smile at him. "Thank you," he said politely.
"Happy birthday," said Sirius, leaning forward to carefully kiss him. "How are you feeling?"
"Fine," said Remus, as Sirius now climbed back into their bed. Even though he had gotten up to "cook"—Remus now picked at the pancakes delicately, seeking out the chocolate—he hadn't bothered to get dressed, and, in only a pair of pajama pants, his new tattoo was a sharp bit of contrast on his bare chest. Just the night before, as they'd lain, exhausted, in bed, Remus had run his fingers over it, unable to suppress the urge to trace each circle. After his bit of a breakdown, he'd desired to do nothing else except lay about in bed, and it was looking like today, until they left for James and Lily's, would turn out to be very similar.
Despite his heavy thoughts the day before, in the light of a new day—his birthday, he reminded himself—he found it hard not to let himself give in to feelings of affection for Sirius, despite knowing, now, more than ever, that they were wrong. Being with Sirius was like a drug; it was an addiction. A year ago, Remus never would have ignored the logical voices in his head that told him of his selfish behavior, but Sirius' love had created a barrier between his mind and emotions just as quickly as it had knocked down the ones on his actions, and words. He was only mildly surprised now when he reached for Sirius across their bed, or called "I love you" toward him as he walked away; motions that would have made him red in the face only a season before. After all, he had willingly given Sirius everything—his trust, virginity, and, though unfairly, all of his baggage, and burdens. However, Remus, determinedly ignored these thoughts that were now beginning to fill his brain; convinced that on this day, of all days, he would at least pretend to be happy.
Setting down his plate on the floor beside their bed, Remus turned to Sirius, who had nestled himself back down in their blankets. Both were still sore from the full moon—Remus had been careful to keep his arm and neck rather still, as the mended collarbone seemed to have been done rather weakly. This wasn't surprising, as neither James nor Sirius had too much experience in mending bones, but the long scratches down Remus' arm were clean now, the deep scars already beginning to form. Sirius winced as Remus gently put a finger to his chest to test the bruise there, and, seeing his face, Remus quickly lowered his arm again. Opening his arms toward him, Sirius pulled the other boy against himself, careful to be gentle.
"Guess what today is?" he asked quietly, running a thumb along Remus' jaw line.
"I know it's my birthday, Sirius," laughed Remus, "I just ate your pancakes, didn't I?"
Sirius smiled. He, too, found it all too easy to ignore his true feelings on this particular morning, when the soft sunlight was floating in through their open window, and Remus, with his bed-mused hair, was looking so adorable, still blissfully unaware of Sirius' shame. He was, however, grateful that Remus didn't say much about his injuries, as he still felt horrible looking toward his arm, knowing the deep scars the claw marks would leave. Rather selfishly, he ignored this, instead, focusing on Remus' face, and the old, self-induced scar that crossed his cheek. He now ran a finger across it, and both boys remembered—at this time, last year, he had just received the mark. Then, it had been fresh, red, and raw, and over time, it had changed—now the scar was flesh colored, barely visible to anyone except Sirius, who had traced it too many times to forget. It was a representation of how much things had changed over the year, as were the next words Sirius spoke.
"Today is the day that we first kissed," he reminded Remus, who felt himself smile, embarrassed. It was true—on his seventeenth birthday, Remus had, drunk, made what he had then thought to be his fatal error. This year, however, Sirius brought his lips against Remus', kissing him in a way that echoed last year only by its same passion; its same loving, needing touch… It was like being in a dream—he seemed to have no control, his actions already turning into memory, and yet they were slipping away so fast from him, like they weren't real at all…
"I can't believe it's been that long," muttered Remus as they broke apart, Sirius' hands now gently rubbing his sides. "I can't believe everything's so different…" He sighed deeply. Sirius, who was gently kissing the less bruised side of his neck, looked up at him. "Did you ever think we'd be here?"
Sirius seemed to ponder this question for a moment, weighing it in his mind. "I hoped," he admitted, smiling fondly again at him. "I wanted it to happen… you know that. Did I really think it ever would? I wasn't sure."
"Mm," said Remus quietly, now lost in thought again. He too, had hoped for Sirius to return his affection, longed for it, in fact, but 366 days ago, he had considered it to be only a fantasy. It was a bit unreal, laying in bed with the boy he thought would never look twice at him, realizing, with a start, that they were now both permanently branded with reminders of the other one. Sirius, who seemed to be caught up in the nostalgia, kissed him again, and this time, Remus let him fall into it, feeling like he was pushing his thoughts away for the millionth time. Their bed was so comfortable, Sirius' mouth so delicious, and the hands that roamed across his chest were soft, and careful. Remus let him delicately remove his thin t-shirt, his fingers finding their familiar path in Sirius' long hair as the boy kissed across his torso. They would see their friends later that night, and he would apologize to James for his actions, but for now, his senses were filled only with Sirius—the taste of him on his tongue, the smell of his soap and cigarettes filling his nose, the feel of his fingers slipping down his stomach. It was hard to feel anything other than pleasure—even something as powerful as guilt—when the person you knew you shouldn't love was pulling your pajama pants off your hips; pressing their lips against yours as your bodies mingled together.
As for Sirius—if anyone could see him at that particular moment, it would have been impossible for them to believe he was a wealthy, committed heterosexual… as he often reiterated at his place of employment. With the gentle, yet passionate kisses he was laying onto the thin boy's body, no one would ever believe that, just two nights before, he had been so close to breaking a promise to his boyfriend that he'd caused the werewolf within Remus to become so angry that Sirius had been forced to break its bones. It was almost ironic that Remus was the one pushing aside his feelings of selfishness, because, if Sirius had been able to read his mind, he would have laughed out loud. Despite the love he clearly felt—and was now displaying—toward Remus, he, more than any outsider, knew just how selfish he was being. He had pushed Remus into the relationship, sworn commitment to him though Remus had wished against it, and, even as a friend, he had made the promise to be there for him. He had thought it before, but now it was even more obvious: the lies he had told to Kevin, and the other Aurors were unnecessary. He hadn't needed to go that far, to completely lie, and yet he had; he had in order to fit in, to work his way up in the Ministry. He tried to write it off as needed, as if Remus would understand why he'd fibbed, but at this point, there were no excuses. Kevin knew details of Sirius' "girlfriend"—she was born in Wales, and she hated mushrooms; they'd met during the summer, and she was half-blood. He would have been disgusted—or, even worse, laughed—at the idea of Remus, who was working at a minimum wage job, poor, sickly, and male, and Sirius had known this. Yes, he had had to protect his identity, he couldn't have been honest with people at the Ministry, but it had somehow become something bigger than that. Even while Sirius slipped out of his own, plaid pajamas, feeling Remus' hands beginning to seek out his most sensitive spots, Sirius knew the real reason he hadn't told was that he was ashamed. Ashamed of himself; ashamed of who and what he was… and that was something he had never felt before, not in all of his years as an outcast from his family, or an oddball at school. Once, he had been proud to be with Remus, wanting to shout his affection out loud, but now… Now, it was somehow becoming a thing he felt compelled to hide.
Sirius was changing, and while both boys knew it, they remained resolutely silent, even while they kissed, even after they'd finished making love in the early hours of the afternoon, hot and sweaty on Remus' eighteenth birthday. It was all so wrong, so confusing, as they both gave way to the love they still had, the desires they still possessed, but both becoming more and more aware of how wrong the relationship was. Even as they smiled toward one another, gathering their things to meet for dinner at their friends', Remus had a sudden realization. As Sirius buttoned his shirt, hiding away the tattoo symbolizing their connection, and Remus felt his own neck ache with pain, he wondered if they would have another year together to celebrate this day; the anniversary of their first kiss.
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So sad...
Tell me what you think? Are you as sad as me...? Sorry again that it's been a few days!