Finding Home

(the sequel to "No Better Mistake")

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.

NOTES:

The best chapter! My favorite chapter! THE BEST CHAPTER I'M SO EXCITED!

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17

Breathe in.

He inhaled, holding the breath in for a moment before letting it slowly out again. Good, Remus told himself, Good, now just do it again… If he didn't focus on something, the overwhelming sense of dread would begin to overtake him again, and he needed to be alive, he needed to be ready for the night before him. At this point, there were only a few things he was certain about concerning this approaching full moon: one was that, as always, he would turn into a werewolf, and the other was that, no matter what happened with Sirius the next day, this night would mark a huge change for the both of them.

Breathe out, he thought, again…

He had told Sirius not to come. The visit from his parents, by all conventional standards, had been quite uplifting, but somehow the mention of their feelings on Remus' treatment had made him even more sure of his decision. Despite what they said, or what Sirius said, things needed to change. There was no debating that, over the past months, Remus had been happier than he had in his entire life—but Sirius could be happy, happier, without him. Sirius could grow. Sirius could change. But this, this monthly, hazy, horror of a curse would never change, and that made all the difference.

For the second time, Remus walked out into the vast fields without Sirius. Though there was plenty of time before the sun set, and the moon began to rise, he wanted to be outside; alone, and with nature. Remus hadn't been through a transformation alone in several years; and those he had undergone, at Hogwarts as a young teen, had been some of the worst. It would be very painful, and he needed to prepare himself. As he spread out his things around himself, sitting down on the grass, Remus, once again, focused on his breathing. In and out… in and out…

If he concentrated hard enough, if he thought enough about the physical pain that would soon overtake his body, maybe, just maybe, he could block out the pain of his throbbing heart.

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Although he'd told himself not too, it had been impossible for Sirius not to check his watch nearly every ten minutes. All day long, even during the early morning hours, he looked, mentally counting down the minutes until it would be dark again. Four hours to go… three hours… two hours…

What had he even done today? What work, as he sat amongst his peers, had he completed that afternoon? All he could think about was Remus, knowing that, in the afternoon, he had still been sitting in that bookshop, wondering, a few hours later, how it had been when he'd gotten home, and now, with an hour to go, he was nearly frantic to know if he had slipped outside yet… if he was wondering where Sirius was, if he had really wanted him gone.

The only thing that had kept him, the whole day—the whole month—sane was sheer necessity. He simply couldn't break down in a place like this, not with all eyes upon him 24/7, not with Kevin breathing down his neck like some sort of overbearing mother hen. He'd gone through the motions like everyone else, raising his hand when he needed too, completing assignments that needed to be done… but not really thinking, not really awake in the sea of what he now realized, were all the same faces. He followed in the crowd to the same places, he laughed at the same jokes… but with each passing hour, they were becoming more like fish, and Sirius longed to swim upstream; against the current. Without thinking, he laid a hand on his own chest, knowing that, just underneath the tie he'd clumsily done himself, was a mark, a permanent brand of what he thought he was committed too. He felt strangely out-of-body, as if he were seeing himself from far, far away… as he rose from his seat, ready to follow Kevin into one of their tests, ready to do as Remus had requested, and stay so late that by the time he got home, a werewolf would already be loose among the grounds. Perhaps he would not come home at all tonight…

And instantly, as Sirius fingers touched lightly upon his collarbone, it came back to him, like a flash of lightening.

Lying in the grass with Remus, yearning to grab his hand… Seeing the desperation, reflecting off his golden eyes, the lit cigarette cutting a path between them—leaning in for that first kiss, like an electric shock, knowing it was wrong, but praying he wouldn't stop… Remus' face in the common room, lit by the fire, his skin, his hands, his mouth, his chest, his face—their bodies meeting together in perfect harmony; sweat; violin; moans—His smile, his real, first smile; the sound of his laughter, like falling rain—sleeping together in the open air of their bedroom, murmuring "I love you" before they fell asleep—his eyes, his touch, his voice—

"I can't do this," Sirius heard himself mutter, and his hand dropped down to his side. "I can't do this," he repeated, and he turned away from the group, who were now preparing to leave out a side door. Kevin stared at him, but he brushed roughly past him, snatching up his bag, and jacket from the chair he had left them on. "I've got to go," he said frantically, "I can't let him leave."

"What are you talking about?" asked a shocked Kevin, "Sirius—we've got this now—"

"No," said Sirius, and though he was shaking, he was shocked to find that his voice rang out, as clear as a bell. "No, I'm not doing it anymore. I have more important things to do."

"You can't leavenow, they'll kick you out!" Kevin exclaimed, grabbing his arm, as if to stop him from leaving, "What could possibly be more important right now?"

"Remus," said Sirius, and it was like he was coming out a fog, a daze that was rapidly lifting from over his eyes. He was like a man possessed, wrenching his arm out of Kevin's grasp.

"Who the hell is Remus?" he gasped, as Sirius made his way quickly to the door, pulling it open.

"He's my boyfriend," said Sirius clearly, loud enough that the people nearest the doorway turned to him, but his eyes, burning bright and clear now, saw none of their shocked expressions. "My boyfriend…" he said again, "The best thing I've ever known… And I… I have been a complete, and total idiot."

With that final note, and the look of many stunned faces, he slammed the door, sprinting off toward the Ministry's main floor.

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He was startled to see how dark it was when he reappeared in the hall's main entrance, immediately dropping his things to the ground. Just like the month before, he ran into the dark, empty kitchen, hoping he was there—

"Remus!" he yelled, but his voice echoed strangely around the room, and without a second thought, he wrenched open the back door, kicking off his too-tight dress shoes to run faster, pulling off his suffocating layers of corporate wear, flinging them behind as he ran, sprinting faster than he ever had in his life. He shed his image, his lies, even his years as he bolted across the grass; he left it all behind as he simply ran. Remus had been barely a dot on the horizon from the view of their house, but he was coming into clearer and clearer focus now—he still had several minutes before sunset, time to beg, time to get there, sooner than he had last time. "Moony!" he yelled, again, for the boy, who was sitting amongst the grass, and in the next second, he was there. He hurled himself toward the ground, collapsing at his feet—

"Why are you here?" said Remus, frantic, "I told you to go—"

"You're not getting rid of me," growled Sirius. He was panting, his breath, shallow, but somehow, he felt more alive, more awake… knowing that now was the time; now was the moment to tell Remus how he felt. Now was the moment to tell him everything

He wouldn't lose him. He couldn't lose him.

"Look at you!" gasped Sirius, "waiting, for this, like it's your deathbed! But you don't know how strong you are… You tell me—you tell me this is never going to change; you tell me this is how it always will be—but I don't care, Remus! I don't care!" He could hear the desperation growing in his own voice, the horrible need to make Remus understand, and he had to continue, he had to go on: "I'm the fuckup in this relationship, and I—I should never be with someone as decent and as honest and as beautiful as you but… you—you picked me! And I can't let that go!"

"You have too," muttered Remus, "you have to succeed. Have a job. Have a future!"

"I left," Sirius told him, and Remus looked stunned. "Told them I needed to be with you… and I do; I do need you," he said desperately, "I need you. I need everything about you—your morning breath and your scars and your fucking full moon transformations—all of it. I can't live without it. Please," he grabbed his hand, pleading with his eyes, desperate for the night to hold off, another minute, just another minute… "I love you, Remus."

"I love you too," whispered Remus, "But—"

"But nothing!" bellowed Sirius, grasping his face between his palms, "Don't give me that shit, Moony! Nothing in my life has meant more than me to you."

A choked sob was all that found its way from Remus' mouth—his eyes, instantly blurred; but they were shut almost immediately as Sirius kissed him, as hard and intensely as the first they'd ever shared; a kiss that was so right… that somehow, nothing could be wrong any longer. Sirius was still holding onto his face, keeping him locked there, but Remus could no longer resist. He was melting into him, letting himself bleed, letting himself become a whole, instead of just one half. His hands, his lips, were erasing the weeks and weeks of debating, the ages of pain, the horrible, relentless feelings of worry he had squashed for so long…

And Remus found that he was kissing him back, and that he no longer felt any guilt—he was kissing him, tasting him, feeling him, and he felt right. He was unmistakably, undeniable… home.

"I'm so sorry," Sirius murmured as they finally drew apart, "Remus—I'm so sorry, for everything…"

Looking toward him, Remus found his mouth forming into a pattern he had almost forgotten: a smile. Sirius' hands were callused on his skin; the disappearing sunlight cast shadows on to his face, illuminating the dark tracks of facial hair that crossed his jaw. The dark hair that swept over his forehead was short, and severely rumpled by his sprint, but he was gorgeous—so unbelievably beautiful. "I'm sorry, too," Remus found himself saying, "But… I think things are going to be okay."

"Remus, do you know what this full moon means?" Sirius whispered, gazing at him, "This time last year… I did the same thing – confessed, I mean… this full moon brought us together…"

Sirius grinned at him, and then—suddenly, Remus felt a jolt of pain shoot through his spine, down from his head to his feet. Sitting outside, crouched on the grass, he had almost forgotten—but then the second wave came, and he was curling onto the ground, Sirius frantically whispering to him, telling him he could do it, telling him to be strong…

It was excruciating—the bones, as always, splitting; his skin, stretching, hair sprouting across his chest and arms and back… his teeth grew into sharp, pointed, yellow-green fangs, eyes changing from amber to red and then back again; the voice that was not his own, beginning to howl, to scream into the night, begging for the pain to stop, to stop, stopstopstop…

And then... as the wind whipped quietly through the trees beside them… Remus' transformation until the full-grown, deadly werewolf was over. Lying beside him on the grass was a large, hairy black dog, who was staring up at him, wondering, with such a strange expression forming in its dark, charcoal gray eyes. Cautiously, slowly, the dog nudged the wolf with its muzzle. Edging slightly closer, his tongue flicked out, gently licking the creature, using a paw to guide him down to the ground again.

And somehow, unbelievably… the wolf obeyed.

As they settled down together, the werewolf, casting a final glance at the dog beside him, closed his eyes for the first time of all its many moons; opting, this time, to sleep besides its chosen partner.

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MY FAVORITE CHAPTER EVER!

I'm still going for my goal - 250 - and I hope this one will spark a lot of reviews because... it's so sappy and wonderfully cheesy.