Melee School Boys: Prom
-Three-
Roy was very tired, so tired in fact that he skipped breakfast (which made Marth have a heart attack because he thought Roy had an eating disorder and Roy to be all grumpy because he didn't eat) and forgot his Algebra textbook. So he sat in his first period class having a panic attack--or something. It was more of an "oh god I feel so sick I think I'm gonna barf" feeling, though.
"I think I'm gonna throw up," Roy said, clutching his stomach. Link grabbed the rubbish container and placed it by Roy's desk. The container smelled like spoiled, two-day-old lunch, and Roy practically puked right then and there.
"Link, I don't think that's going to help," Marth said and moved the garbage can back to its spot by Mewtwo's desk.
"If you don't feel better by second period, go to the nurse. You probably need to lay down for twenty or so minutes."
Roy suddenly stood up and ran to the open window, practically throwing up. Once he got to the window, he opened it, thinking he needed fresh air, and all of the sudden projectile vomited. It went out the window, and Roy hoped no one was passing under it at that moment. Link made a face and said, "I hope that didn't land on anyone." A boy named Broccoli (his parents were hippies) was walking under the aforementioned window when Roy barfed, and it landed right on his head. Broccoli then spontaneous combusted like a broken down car engine as Kweenetra passed him, mouth covered. Link swore it was something out of The Exorcist and fainted for a minute. He woke up and acted like nothing had happened, got up, and walked over to his desk. Roy fell backward and Marth caught him just as the bell rang.
Everyone else was in their seat doing last minute homework assignments.
"Roy, are you all right?" Marth asked, feeling the red head's forehead.
"You have a fever," the prince remarked, and felt the boy's cheek, which was flushed slightly. Roy tried to stand up but he lost balance and ended up in Marth's arms once again.
"Mewtwo-sensei?" Marth asked as Mewtwo walked into the room.
"What?" Mewtwo replied in an impatient and "I don't give a father fucking yoshi about your problems right now" tone.
"Roy needs to go to the nurse," the bluenette said, gesturing to the general with his head.
"Why?" the pokemon asked unsympathetically.
"Because he has a fever and he can't stand up without losing balance or feeling woozy," the swordsman answered.
"...Do you want to take him there, Lowell-kun, or do you want to just take a seat, shut your mouth, and pay attention, hmm?" Mewtwo looked at the Pheraean with a "you look like absolute shit" look.
Roy took that moment to throw up again, this time on Mewtwo's brand new pair of shoes.
Mewtwo ignored it, however, because he hated the shoes anyway. His mother had terrible taste.
"Is he going to die any time soon?" the cat-like being asked, arms crossed.
"Er," Marth said, looking at the duke that was currently sitting in the his seat, "n-no, I don't think so..."
"Then he's fine. Now tate kudasai, Lowell-kun."
Marth reluctantly sat Roy down in an empty desk next to his (it used to be Gary Stu's, but Gary got transferred to a snobby co-ed school for Stus and Sues) in order to keep an eye on the general.
"Don't fret over me, I'll be fine," Roy said, his voice muffled due to the fact that his head was lying on the desk.
"But Roy--"
"Marth." The red head's head shot up from the desk in order to glare at the bluenette. "Stop worrying. You're acting like my father."
"...If you insist..."
Nicholas raised his hand and waved it around a bit.
"What, Nicomus?"
"Nicholas."
"I said your name is Nicomus, and everything I say goes. Now what is your question?" Mewtwo was usually never like this, and from the corner of his eye, Link noticed the pokemon's eye was twitching. Perhaps his LMIA disease was acting up again. It was hot out, and the room lacked air conditioning.
"Where's your coffee?" the boy behind Stephen asked, sinking low in his seat. The purple pokemon pulled out a case with what appeared to be coffee mug sized slots. Using his psychic powers, Mewtwo took the pile of coffee mugs, dumped the contents into a potted plant (which died a few seconds after), and placed them in the case to bring them home and, hopefully, wash them. There was mould growing on the first two.
"If you really must know," Mewtwo said in a "I could care less about you" voice, "I ran out of coffee mugs, and thus cannot bring coffee, can I, mortal?"
"It's called a thermos, idiot," Stephen said, playing his fifth game of Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney that week.
"DETENTION TOMORROW MORNING," Mewtwo said, trying to imitate DEATH from Good Omens. It wasn't working, suffice to say.
"OBJECTION!" the sandy haired youth replied like Miles Edgeworth, standing up and throwing a stylus with deadly accuracy at the cat-like pokemon. Mewtwo dodged and watch it lodge itself into the chalkboard. Mewtwo glared.
"First off, this isn't Law and Order or Phoenix Wright. Second of all, I am the teacher, therefore you do as I say. And third of all, you have detention all this week. Now sit down before I make you." Mewtwo turned around and wrote something on the board.
"Kyoukasho akete kudasai," Mewtwo said, telling them to open their textbooks. They did so without a complaint, because Mewtwo was not in the mood today.
Mewtwo pulled out the stylus and threw it in the Phoenix Wright addict's general direction. Stephen ducked and the stylus landed in Nicholas' skull instead.
"Why me?" was the last thing Nicholas uttered before he died.
"Now...do activity one and shut up."
- - -
Roy still felt like crap by second period, but he ignored it and trudged through Dividing Rational Expressions without complaint. He stopped at the Boys' Lavatory to toss his cookies and immediately felt better. Sometimes you just have to throw up a few times.
For gym, he and his fellow classmates had to run four hundred yards (i.e., the whole track), Roy finished ahead of the faster runners (Roy was the fastest in his class, second in the school only to Marth), said to Link that he was "the supreme runner of track and field," and jumped onto the railing of the bleachers.
Not smart, Roy. Not smart at all. Roy lost his balance and fell on the ground. Link, who was right next to him, albeit in the bleachers, heard a crack and winced. Roy's eyes shot open and he immediately grabbed his leg in pain, rolling onto his side.
"I think I broke it. Oh shit I friggin' broke it!" He sat up, still clutching his leg, and rocked back and forth, biting his lip. He would not cry. Not in front of these people, anyway. The pain was unbearable.
Ms. Peach Toadstool decided to take her third period Algebra Two 42 class outside and onto the field, the reason being that it was a lovely day outside. She was teaching them all about adding and subtracting rational expressions with unlike denominators when she heard a boy yelling and screaming.
"Children," she said when she realised no one was paying attention. "Children!" Unfortunately for her, she wasn't going to get their attention spans back.
Link was helping Roy up and telling him to lean against his shoulder. Link wrapped an arm under Roy's right arm to help him balance.
"I don't think this is going to work very well," the red head said, standing on his good leg.
"Marth knows how to make a stint," Link said, almost falling over due to Roy's sudden movement.
"Marth isn't here," Roy replied angrily.
"Yes he is," Link pointed out, redirecting Roy's gaze to the blue headed prince running towards them.
"Roy!" Marth arrived there panting and out of breath, gazed upon Roy's right leg, and gave him a look that said "how the hell did this happen?"
"It hurts!" Roy complained when Marth tried to move the red head's leg.
"Feels broken," Marth pointed out, ignoring Roy's complaining. "We should take you to the nurse's office."
Link fell over from the weight and Roy almost went down with him; he caught himself in time and "hmph"ed.
"You suck at supporting people, Link," Roy replied in a snarky matter. "I can walk there myself." And so he walked up the stairs to the bleachers, up the bleachers, and to the door leading into the building. Marth wasn't far behind the red head, and grabbed the boy's arm.
"What is with you?" Marth asked, brow furrowed. Marth accidentally tugged on the boy's arm and caused the general to lose balance. He fell backwards and Marth quickly moved to catch him.
"If you were in this amount of pain," the Pheraean said, looking straight into Marth's eyes, "you'd be pretty damn moody, too."
Marth picked Roy up, taking great care to not move Roy's out-of-commission leg unless it was needed, and opened the door, walking into the building.
"Doing stupid things causes consequences such as breaking things," Marth said out of the blue.
"So...what did you do?" the bluenette asked, walking up the stairs and into the corridor to the nurse's office. The hall monitor did not question either of them as they went past, and Marth went up a few more steps before coming to the office of "Doctor Mario P. Mario, school doctor".
"Well," Roy began, "I was so excited about winning the relay race that I stood on the railing of the bleachers—like I always do—and I lost my balance and fell on my leg." Marth shook his head and opened the door.
There were no students in the office like there usually was, causing the sole occupant to be Dr. Mario, who was at his desk on the phone with someone.
"What?" Dr. Mario asked the person on the phone, "I don't really care what kind of pasta it is, Luigi. Just get me what—okay, I'll have what Mario's having." The doctor got off the phone and went back to filling out paperwork, not noticing he had company. Marth cleared his throat, causing the doctor in a white lab coat to look up.
"Can I help you?"
"Um, yes," the prince stated. "My friend here seems to have broken his leg."
"...Doing what?"
"What does that matter?" Roy chimed in, snuggling close to Marth. "My leg is broken. Fix it." Roy had broken his leg only once before, when he was eight years old. He was chasing after his pet cat, Oscar, when he slipped on the runner that covered the stairs and fell. Marcus was not pleased with the blood all over the stairs, something Roy's father seemed to be less concerned with. His father was not happy with the broken leg, and scolded him, saying that his neck would be next. It was safe to say that Roy would not go near a flight of stairs for two weeks after the accident.
Marth placed Roy in a chair while the doctor looked over the injured boy.
"All you need is a cast and you should be fine," Dr. Mario said, and went into the back room to get some supplies.
"This should be a relatively quick process," Dr. Mario stated when he came back with some plaster, gauze, and a hair dryer. The doctor placed these things on the chair next to the red head, put on some gloves, and asked Roy to roll up his pant leg. Roy did so and winced.
- - -
"There we go!" Link said cheerfully as he replaced the cap to his green Sharpie and put it in his pocket.
"...Did you have to put the heart?"
"Yes. Why, don't you like it?"
Roy rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, sure, okay." Roy and Link were in period seven, sophomore honours English class. Link was so bored that he counted all the signatures Roy had on his cast (thirty seven) and decided that he should make it an even number and signed it. Of course, Nicholas (who came back from the dead by some guy named Brammimond) had to make it thirty nine by signing it, so Link added a heart. A green heart, but a heart nonetheless.
"We're almost home free!" Link shouted randomly, standing up from his desk. Roy rolled his eyes and headdesked.
"Just kill me now." A random guy with a bloodied knife came up to Roy and pressed the blade to the red head's throat.
"Figure of speech! Figure of speech!"
"Dude," Link said, "Lord Eliwood would kill you if you killed Roy."
The random guy booed and jumped out the window to kill some innocent chickens somewhere. Roy took his ballpoint pen and tried to commit Seppuku, but his pen point just wasn't sharp enough.
"Hey, you stole that from Marth!"
"He, in turn, stole it from the Samurai," Roy replied, throwing the pen at the blond. Link ducked and it hit Nicholas (again), who by this time was brain damaged. He fainted. But no one cared.
"Hey, Roy," Link said, trying to balance his English text book on his head, "do we ever do anything in this class?"
Roy was too busy looking through Fuuin no Tsurugi game scripts to hear Link's question.
"What?" Roy flipped through the script some more. "There's no subtext between me and Princess Guinevere. These people are pulling shit out of their asses! Sucrenach," Roy said, cursing in Pheraean.
"Um...okay. Anyway, do we actually do anything in this class?" Link asked again, inching away from the red head ever so slowly.
"Hell no!" Roy replied, slapping Link with his script. "We're too smart to have to do any work."
Some kid was listening to iPed, drumming on his desk, to "The Saints aren't Coming," the hit new song by Me2 and Purple Haze (which was also a brand of marijuana). The teacher, Mr. Georgeston, threw a boot at the kid.
"That kid has crap taste in music," the teacher reasoned, calming down.
"Yeah," another kid replied, "He needs to listen to Conjure One's 'Center of the Sun'." He got a boot thrown in his face.
"Hey!" Link shouted, standing, "There's nothing wrong with 'Center of the Sun'! My cousin, Sara Jaye, likes it!"
Roy pulled the blond back into his seat.
"You have a cousin?"
"Yes. You have a problem with that?" Roy shook his head.
"Good."
"I HAVE IT ON MY iPOD!" Link triumphantly pulled his green iPod out of his jacket pocket, put one of the earbuds in his ear, and listened to "Center of the Sun". Roy, out of morbid curiosity, listened to it.
"...Wait, isn't this one of the songs the fangirls listen to because it reminds them of 'EliwoodxNinian'?"
Link looked at him blankly, having no idea what Roy was going on about.
"...You need to go on forums more. The EliwoodxLyn and EliwoodxNinian shippers are at each other's throats all the time."
"Like Gundam Wing Fandom?"
"Yes, Link, like Gundam Wing Fandom."
"Heero sounds like Marth."
"...Wait, what the hell's 'EliwoodxLyn'? I thought your mother's name was Ninian."
Roy headwalled.
"That's my point."
"What?"
"That my mother's name was Ninian. Was because my mother died."
"Mine did, too," Link commented, wiping a lone tear out of his eye. That tear was caused by him listening to "Wake Me Up When December Ends", another hit song from Purple Haze about the drummer's mother dying from a horde of hammerhead sharks.
"And the fangirls like to argue about it."
"What the hell is wrong with your fandom?" Link asked, switching to a happier song. Couldn't ever go wrong with Queen.
"I wish I knew. My dad stopped wondering a long time ago."
"It's not your dad's fault he's sexy."
Silence.
"What?! Did you just call my father 'sexy'?! WHAT THE HELL, LINK?"
"I meant in Rekka, Roy. His face looks like a really soft cake with vanilla icing now."
"...Oh Elimine, you're not listening to 'My Rant (Hector's a Fag)' by Erikky of Laus, are you?"
"I am. Why?"
"It's garbage."
"That's your opinion."
"Link, trust me on this one. I know the guy. He was best friends with my dad, when they were younger. And then shit went down and Erik started hating my dad. Something involving squirrels in his underwear drawer or something."
"Damn those squirrels!" Link shouted, and threw an acorn shaped bomb into a random tree outside the window. Squirrels flew into the air when it detonated. Luckily, none were hurt, because Link made one out of chewing gum and a fork.
A rabid Eliwood fangirl ran into the classroom, men in white suits with butterfly nets and tranquilisers not too far behind.
"ELI!" the girl shouted, hugging Roy very tightly.
"I'm not Eliwood," Roy said, gasping for air and turning blue slightly.
"YES YOU ARE, YOU LOOK LIKE HIM."
Link smacked the girl off of him and received a death glare of some sort.
"Bitch! Get away from my Eli!"
"I'M NOT ELIWOOD," Roy shouted, standing from his seat. "The only reason I look like him is because he's my friggin' father."
The girl blinked.
"ELIWOOD HAS A SON? OMG WE HAD A SON?"
By this time, the men in the white coats were dragging her out of the room.
"No, Eliwood and Ninian had a son." The girl shrieked like a banshee, got free of her restraints, and came back into the room.
"WHERE IS THAT DRAGON BITCH?"
"...She's been dead for ten years now."
"SERVES HER RIGHT."
Roy had had enough, summoned the Fuuin no Tsurugi, and stabbed her with it.
"No one insults my mother and gets away with it."
Of course, she didn't die, she was just knocked out. The men in the white suits took her out of the classroom, into their truck, and left without another word.
"Roy?"
"Yeah?"
"I'd hate to be you or your dad."
"I know you would."
"...Does Marth get people like that?"
"...Yes. All the time." And with that, life resumed.
- - -
"Did you get mauled by a fangirl or something?" Manolo asked his Biology lab partner when he walked in the door. Link dropped Roy's book bag by his stool and walked over to his own table, where his partner was no where in sight.
"Don't tell me he cut again."
Roy walked over to Manolo on crutches, sat down, and placed them next to his desk.
"I got hugged by one and told I was Eliwood, but other than that, no, I wasn't mauled by one."
"Isn't he that guy from some Fire Emblem thing or whatever?" The guy next to him, Jaime, snickered.
"Shut up, Jaime," Manolo said, and nearly fell off his chair for reasons unknown.
"..." was all Roy said. He took out his Biology book, turned to the page designated to them on the chalkboard, and did the work on the page. Manolo got into a bitchfight with Jaime and ended up needing to go to the hospital with some abdominal pain. It turned out to be some bad gas, so he was a-okay!
- - -
"Someone please kill me," Marth said, headdesking as his US History II teacher handed back test papers. Marth got a ninety nine and a half.
"You're so sexy," Nestéa Reglay said in a seductive voice. She licked her lips and adjusted her shirt so her breasts were popping out of the shirt more, and fixed her skirt so one could easily see her panties.
"Who the hell are you?" Marth asked, folding his test paper up and putting it in his folder.
"My name's Nestéa Raven Jaclyn Krystalline Silverwood Reglay, but you can call me either Nestéa, Nestea, or Nessie for short."
Marth heard some guy named Pent shout from very far away, "I was drunk when that happened, I swear! Drunk!" Marth ignored it and continued on with his life.
"Like, do you have a girlfriend?" She was invading his personal space, something Marth did not like nor appreciate.
"Yes," Marth said, trying to inch away, but using her Sue powers, Nestea made sure he couldn't get away.
"I have a boyfriend. His name is Roy, do you know him?"
Marth headdesked. Hard.
"Ow."
"Well? Do you?"
"Yes," Marth replied, rubbing his forehead. "But his girlfriend's name is Lilina." Nestea got all offensive at that.
"You're saying his girlfriend is that h0r? How dare you! DIE."
Marth scooted over, causing her to lunge at thin air and fall out the window with a thud. Unfortunately, the window was only a good two feet off the ground.
"They were getting pretty intimate at the Battle of the Bands thing."
Nestea jumped through the window and ran off to find her beloved "boyfriend".
- - -
"Help, I'm being raped!" Roy said as Nestea was running her hand up and down Roy's bare chest. His shirt had been unbuttoned only a few seconds ago, and all that was left was his pants...
"Don't get any ideas!" Roy shouted and Nestea tried to reach for his belt. Running to his locker (as fast as one can on crutches), he quickly put the combination in, unshackled the lock, and wielded the Sword of Seals.
"I will cut you in half if you come any closer to me."
Nestea laughed like Alfred Ashford from Code: Veronica and summoned...
"...I don't think you should be able to wield Armands, there." But Nestea was a Sue, so of course she could wield the legendary Divine Weapon (one of eight, collect 'em all!) of Lightning.
"You do know about the consequences of using that, right?" Roy asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah, it, like, let's me kill things and stuff."
Roy sighed.
"Aside from that, whoever wields that will die on the battlefield, never having a peaceful death." Nestea went "pfft" and waved her hand as if to dismiss such an idea.
"Who told you that?"
"...Armands, one of the Eight Heroes. He actually told Lord Hector, who ended up dying on the battlefield because of the prophecy."
"Oh yeah," Nestea said, thinking Roy was smoking illegal substances, "And Roland had blue hair."
"Actually," Roy said, "He did have blue hair."
"...He wasn't a red head?" Roy shook his head.
"What the hell?" She cleared her throat. "In any case, we must get marriage and have tons and tons of babies, 'cause babies are cool and shit." She giggled and flaunted her chest in his face.
"You're so sexy, Celi."
Roy heard a disc scratching sound.
"Wait a minute," Roy said, stepping away from her. "'Celi'? As in Celice?"
"Like, duh, Celi."
"...I'm not Celice."
"Yes you are!"
"No, I'm not."
Nestea spun in circles and threw up all over the floor. Link shrieked like Nobuyuki Hiyama and shouted, "Holy shit, The Exorcist is real! RUN AWAY!"
When Marth approached his locker and saw puke all over the floor, he didn't know what to think. So he surfed over to his opened locker on some kid's book bag, pulled out Falchion, and stabbed Nestea with it several times. He then sighed like Hikaru Midorikawa and pretended nothing happened.
"My hero!" Roy said and kissed Marth on the mouth—hard. Link turned around and nearly puked at the sight of Roy and Marth playing tonsil hockey.
"Hello! You people have significant others! STOP SUCKING FACE."
But they just ignored him.
- - -
Author's Notes: So...what'd you think? I always like to hear from my reviewers, so please, if you want to, review! Tell me what you think!
Disclaimer: I own nothing except Nestéa Raven Jaclyn Krystalline Silverwood Reglay and Kweenetra. See you next chapter!