A/N: Another small bit of angst/hurt/comfort. My brain went on a bender, it would seem. This is completely standalone, and I really have no idea where it came from, but I like it. Hope you all enjoy it.
I pulled at a chunk of my hair, my frustration taking form in the harsh sob that clawed its way out of my throat and into the air. It was raining, which suited me just fine. It almost never really rained in Vegas. Sure we had showers and stuff... but almost never a full on rainstorm. I thought it was kind of perfect.
The hand that gently touched my shoulder caught me by surprise. So much so that I must have jumped a mile high. But I recognized the voice instantly, and a frown formed on my lips before I had time to think about it. "Greg? Are you…? Is everything alright?"
I swallowed back the bitter chuckle that was rising at his question, just in time. Choosing instead to duck my head and look off into the distance, at the desert mountain lines that were just barely visible through the sheets of pouring rain. "I'm fine, Nick."
The hand on my shoulder squeezed lightly as he attempted to coax me into facing him. I almost turned, just because it was hard to deny him anything, but I stopped myself at the last second. "Then why wont you look at me?"
I tried to shrug his hand off, but he wouldn't have it. The gentle pressure was still there. Still burning me. "I SAID I'm fine." My voice came out much harsher then I'd intended. But I suppose that was a good thing. Maybe he'd take the hint and leave me the fuck alone already.
"Why are you lying? Something is clearly wrong, G… and I wanna know what it is." That was it… the last straw. A tear burned its way out of my eye and rolled down my cheek. Followed by another, and another. It was like the dam had broken. I couldn't hold them back anymore. I turned to face him, finally. Because, fuck it. It wasn't like I could hide it now anyways.
"Why? Why do you wanna know? No one cares. Not really. No one wants to hear the truth. They just want the court jester to move through his routine… to keep people laughing. No one ever really wants to see his true face… to look behind the mask. Why should anyone take him, ME, seriously? I'm nothing but a joke to everyone here. A big fucking joke… a wannabe, right? Well fuck them. Fuck them… and fuck you too!"
My chest was heaving and my vision blurred, the salt from my tears finding its way to my lips and still, he wouldn't let me go. I trembled in anger and frustration and couldn't help but growl because he might mistake it for something else. But he wasn't paying attention to that anyways. I could tell when I met his eyes. His face looked… pained. Hurt. Well good. Now he knows how it feels.
Suddenly, I couldn't breath. Massive, and though I didn't want to admit it, warm and comforting arms were wrapped solidly around me. Locking my own arms at my sides. His body shook lightly, and I couldn't see his face at all now, but for some reason, I really wished I could. It felt important in a way that I couldn't explain. I could only blink in surprise as he started speaking softly into my ear, his voice low and calm, but still pretty firm. "I… I didn't mean it. I don't even know why I said it… but I'm sorry. Never… I never thought you'd hear it… and… fuck." That last word was said so desperately, and if it had been any other time, I would have given anything to ease his pain.
As it was, I chuckled, though it was without any humor, and turned my face back towards the rain. "Yeah? Well, I did hear it. And I don't want an apology. I want to be alone. So you can just go home or wherever the hell it is you were headed." Awkwardly shifting my weight from one foot to the other, I counted my own breaths until he let go. Because, really… what else could I do? But even when he did, he didn't move away. Which kind of pissed me off just a little bit more. "Just go away already..."
Still he didn't move, so I shifted my weight, this time with the intent to step back, but a hand on my hip stopped me before I could. The tears had stopped when he'd hugged me, simply out of shock, but they were starting up again. Which only made me feel like a total tool, a girl. Because I shouldn't be crying over this, no… Not over him. And he was being too nice. Too fucking sincere, and I just can't fucking deal, with any of it. He's not leaving and he wont let me go and I can't do this anymore. I just… can't. "No." The single word he'd muttered was said with such conviction that I cried further still. No actual sobs, just rivers of salty water streaming down my face while my body shook.
"Please… Just let me be. I can't do this right now. Please…" I'd resorted to begging. So damned pathetic. But I couldn't have cared less at this point… I just want him to leave. But even that only made him come closer again. Pressed together from shoulder to knee, his arms were slowly, carefully, sliding around me again. But it felt different this time. He was being so gentle and my arms started moving without my permission. Started wrapping around him too. I buried my face in his chest as more tears spilled forth. His hands were drawing slow circles on my back and fuck but it's been so long since I've actually been held and it felt so fucking good. How is it that you never know how lonely you are until there's someone else there to point it out to you? Even if they don't know they're doing it.
"I'm sorry. Just… Don't cry… I'm sorry." I didn't have any real reply to that… my voice refused to work and I couldn't really think straight anyway. All I knew was that his arms were around me and his voice was soothingly soft, gentle. I knew I shouldn't stand for this, that I needed to get away from him, and fast… but my resolve was slipping. And he made me feel… safe. Something I haven't been able to feel in such a long time. It wasn't fair that he could do that without even fucking trying. Not fair at all.
Sometimes I wish that you could pause life and call foul. But as we all know, nothing in life is fair. You gotta take what you can get, while you can get it. So I let him hold me. Even if just being near him was painful. I knew that being away from him hurt even more. The trouble with being human is that the people you love make mistakes and hurt you, but you still keep on loving them anyways. Even when you know you shouldn't.
And even if it was one of the worst days of my life, I'll never ever forget this moment as long as I live. My silver lining, if you will. It was the one time that Nick held me, however briefly. The one time that he saw behind my facade and didn't run, or abandon me. He held me tightly, and refused to let me go. If only the same could be true every minute of every day. If there were anyone on this earth who I wished could know me, truly know me, it would be this man. But all I will ever show him is this tiny moment... this brief peek behind the curtain. Nothing more.