Chapter 3, THIS IS MADNESS!
Disclaimer: As stated in the prievous 28 chapters of this tale, nothing is ours
A/N: And here's the second half of your Thanksgiving gift! Chapter 3 which, on Open Office Writer, is five pages long! Ready? Set. GO!
Mr. Poe and the Quags sat themselves around the suite's computer and slid American McGee's Alice into the disk drive. "Well," began Mr. Poe. "let us play!"
After the little advertisements for EA and Havoc Games, the menu's screen came up, featuring a picture of a young woman lying in bed.
"Is that Alice?" wondered Isadora. Her brother replied, "We won't find out until we press 'play', dear sister!"
And so the game began with shots of toys and things in a little girl's bedroom, "The music is disturbing." noted Mr. Poe. Now they saw a younger Alice in bed, sleeping ever peacefully with a white rabbit doll in her arm. "How very sweet!" said Duncan, just then, the camera panned to show a little black kitten knocking over a stack of books which knocked over the lit oil lamp, spilling the oil over the floor where it ignited.
"That's kind of depressing and sadistic." pointed out Isadora, "It's American McGee, sister. What did you expect?" said Duncan blandly.
The Baudes stepped into the elevator, all dandified in their disguises. Violet was wearing a red tube top, miniskirt and fishnets. Mr. Poe had also made her apply makeup with a rake. Chubs was wearing a white leotard and was liberally doused with oil of cloves and Sunny was wearing a scratchy gray rat costume. "Well, I'm getting off on the roof." Said Violet, exiting the elevator.
The rooftop nightclub was like most places of its kind, only, you know, with a bit more class since we're in a five star hotel and all that. "You! Girl!" called a harsh and very familiar voice. Violet turned around and saw none ever then Esme Gigi Genevieve Squalor, the city's sixth most important backstabbing whore! She was wearing a two piece made out of tomato slices and a set of boots made out of aluminum foil.
"I want you to sing something liberally annoying and stupid."
Violet frowned, she didn't want to do anything for this dreadful woman, but she would have to if she wanted to keep her cover, which she did want.
"Darling!" Esme called to someone in the crowd, "Please come, I've found a skanky stripper to sing for us!"
Out of the crowd of dancing strippers and waiters stepped a girl of around fifteen, she wore several strips of white lacey fabric seducitevly wound around her body. Violet blanched, the girl was Carmelita Spats. The one who had betrayed Duncan.
"Excellant!" praised Carmelita, "A cake-sniffing whore! Sing, whore, sing!"
Violet resisted the urge to slap these two self-possesed brats upside the face and took her position on the raised dais in the center of the roof. Now, all was silent, the music stopped and the racy dancing ceased.
"Hit it, DJ!" demanded Violet, the music started up once more and Violet began:
ALEJANDRO {As sung by the Countess of B*tchery, AKA, Lady Gaga}
Violet: I know that we are young.
And I know you may love me.
But I just can't be with you like this anymore.
Alejandro.
She's got both hands
in her pocket.
And she won't look at you,
Won't look at you
She hides true love
En su bolsillo.
She's got a halo 'round her finger.
Around you.
You know that I love you boy.
Hot like Mexico, rejoice.
At this point I gotta choose,
nothing to loose.
Don't call my name.
Don't call my name, Alejandro.
I'm not your babe.
I'm not your babe, Fernando.
Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch.
Just smoke one cigarette and hush.
Don't call my name.
Don't call my name, Roberto.
Alejandro.
Alejandro.
Ale-ale-jandro.
Ale-ale-jandro.
Just stop. Please. Just let me go. Alejandro. Just let me go.
She's not broken,
She's just a baby.
But her boyfriend's like a dad, just like a dad.
and all those flames that burned before him.
Now he's gonna fight your fight, gonna cool the bad.
You know that I love you boy.
Hot like Mexico, rejoice.
At this point I gotta choose,
nothing to lose.
Don't call my name.
Don't call my name, Alejandro.
I'm not your babe.
I'm not your babe, Fernando.
Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch.
Just smoke my cigarette and hush.
Don't call my name.
Don't call my name, Roberto.
Alejandro.
Alejandro.
Ale-ale-jandro.
Ale-ale-jandro.
Don't bother me.
Don't bother me. Alejandro
Don't call my name.
Don't call my name, Fernando.
I'm not your babe.
I'm not your babe, Alejandro.
Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch. Fernando.
Don't call my name.
Don't call my name, Alejandro.
I'm not your babe.
I'm not your babe, Fernando.
Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch.
Just smoke my cigarette and hush.
Don't call my name.
Don't call my name, Roberto.
Alejandro.
Alejandro.
Ale-ale-jandro.
Ale-ale-jandro.
Don't call my name.
Don't call my name, Alejandro.
I'm not your babe.
I'm not your babe, Fernando.
Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch.
Just smoke my cigarette and hush.
Don't call my name.
Don't call my name, Roberto.
Alejandro.
There was much applause as Violet took her bows, accepted $3,000 from Lady Gaga's agent for singing her crappy songs, and was served a gin martini with a side of cheese.
"That was truly marvelous, cake-sniffing stripper!" clapped Carmelita, Esme nodded, "Quite so. Now if you would please get the hell out of my face, I will be most pleased!"
Violet spun on her heel and marched away, flicking Esme off on the way out.
Back in the suite, Mr. Poe and the Quags had finally finished with the opening cut scene of American McGee's Alice and were now journying through the first level: The Village of the Doomed.
"The controls are rather slipshod." muttered Mr. Poe as he pressed every key imaginable trying to find Alice's walk function. "It's kinda straight forward, Mr. Poe." said Isadora, "You press 'W' to walk and hold Shift to run." She suited the action to the task and Mr. Poe gaped at her video game superiority. "Good show, sister!" said Duncan, "Watch out now, an enemy is approaching!"
Indeed, a card soldier, a Club, was running to Alice, armed with, well, a club.
Isadora pressed the attack key to throw her Vorpal Blade at the card, whose head promptly blew up in a torrent of blood.
"Mother Most Holy!" exclaimed Mr. Poe, "This game is violent!"
"Sure is." nodded Isadora sagely, Mr. Poe face-palmed.
Chubs nodded to Sunny, "Farewell, sister!" as he left the elevator on the 4th Floor.
His leotard was itching the blazes out of him and the oil of cloves was making his eyes water.
He knocked on the door marked, 'Spa' at the end of the corridor and was admitted into one of the kind of first class, steamy, floral-smelling spas that only exist in LA and in people's imaginations. He approaced the front desk, "Greetings!" he said curtly, "My name is Patrick Narracott! I am here to assit in the soothing of the guests!"
The woman behind the desk eyed him weirdly, "Okay. Um, report to the Sauna and pass out towels or something."
"Decidly, so!" agreed Chubs, "What an odd woman." he reflected as he continued through the Spa, "Why does everyone I meet treat me like a disease? It's probably due to my large vocabulary!"
With this thought in mind, Chubs knocked on the wood paneled door marked 'Sauna'.
"Come in!" boomed a loud and authoritive voice.
Chubs stepped in. As he was completly unaware of what a Sauna was he was completly shocked by the hot steam and wood paneling.
"Good Lord!" he screamed, "The hotel's on fire!" He proceeded to grope about in the fog, trying to find a fire extingusher.
"Cease your prattel, knave!" came the booming voice again. Chubs looked down and was met with a diminutinive midgit whose face was enshrouded by the mist.
"There's no fire. Not yet."
"Who are you, sir?" asked Chubs, "I have many names." he replied, "My favorite at the moment is Freidrich Parvichini. But as you are a humble servant, you may call me Sir."
"Very well, Sir. Are you enjoying yourself in the Sauna?"
"Oh, I'm not here to enjoy the Sauna! I'm hiding from my business partner, Charles Sternhart. I believe he's in love with me."
Chubs decided to ignore that last statment and continued speaking, "What business are you in, Sir?"
"Lumber. I murder the wood nymphs and sell their souls to the Devil so that I may live."
Chubs was impressed, "Was that Shakespeare?"
"No, it was my beer. Shakes stole it from me. I've never forgiven him for that. I've been alive these past six centuries to escape him. I was the inspiration for Hamlet, you know."
"You were, were you?" Chubs was amazed: he was meeting someone older than Shakespeare!
"Indeed I was. I got eternal life from the Devil, in exhange for 100 wood nymphs every year. I took up shop in the Black Forest and I destroyed the trees. And, damnit if I didn't enjoy every minute of it!"
He brought his fist down on the bench. "You don't get out much, do you?" asked Chubs, drily.
"No, I don't. This is my first vacation in 200 years. Charles suggested I take one. Not that this is fun at all! Hist!"
"What?"
"Hist, I say! Hist! Hist!"
"What are you talking about, Sir?"
"Get the hell out of here!"
"Alright then!" Chubs dashed out of the Sauna, frightened for his life.
Mr. Poe and the Quags were now in the second level of Alice: 'The Fortress of Doors' and the Skool for the Insane.
"Those kids look sick." trailed off Isadora as she guided Alice through the craziness. "Look out, there's a banshee!"
Duncan retorted, "It's called a BOOJUM!"
Boojum were, in essence, quite like banshees, black ghosts who screamed. They were rather pains in the ass as well.
Isadora pressed the Atack key to weild her newest weapon, the Electric Croquet Mallet, against the wicked beasts.
"What are we looking for, again?" she asked, Duncan replied, "The gymnasium, I believe. Of course there's so many twists and turns that I have no idea where we are right now!"
Mr. Poe sighed and took a Giant Hershey Chocalate Bar out of the Minifridge.
He began to sing his stoutness song:
'I am short, fat, proud of that
Puts me in the mood
FOR FOOD!'
Sunny was the last to get out of the elevator.
"Gispak!" she muttered to herself, which meant: 'Now what is it that Giant Rats do?'
The answer came to her at once: "Pavolini!" which meant, "To the nearest crappy resteraunt!"
There happened to be one right down the hall: a McDonald's. Why there was a McDonald's in a five star hotel was a mystery that will never be solved.
Inside there were only three customers and Sunny knew them all too well.
They were the teachers from Prufrock Preparatory School, which the Baudes had attended that Fall.
Principal Nero, Mr. Remora and Mr/Mrs. Bass were all eccentric idiots that were bent on threesomes every night and horrible violin music. They were currently dining on value meals.
Sunny crept under their table, unoticed, and began to eavesdrop on their conversation.
"MEASURE!" screamed Mr./Mrs. Bass, "Measure what, Bass?" asked Mr. Remora, "Measure my french fry, of course!" he/she replied.
"You're so gross, Bass!" roared Nero, "I'm going to vomit!" he marched off and proceeded to trip over a wet floor sign.
"I didn't mean it that way!" muttered Mr./Mrs. Bass.
"I think he's unconcious!" announced Mr. Remora, getting up to examine Nero.
"Excellant! Let's think of ways we can get rid of him!" cackled Mr./Mrs. Bass.
"Why?"
"Because he's a slobbering ass who likes you more than me!"
"I don't think that's a good reason to be done with him!"
"Maybe not to you, but what about my needs?"
"Oh, shut up and measure your French Fry!"
Sunny deemed the rest of the coversation to be not worth her time and scampered out of the resteraunt.
Isadora had successfully managed to guide Alice to the third level: The Vale of Tears.
Alice was climbing several rocky ledges and crossing under waterfalls as Duncan praised his sister, "Cheers to you, Isadora! I didn't know you had the makings of a gaming progidy!"
Isadora looked at him, "Honestly, the game isn't even hard!"
"Watch out!" screamed Mr. Poe, for a Giant Ant had just pushed a boulder on Alice, crushing her.
"Damn! We never saved!" cursed Isadora slapping the computer and retreating to the bathroom.
A/N: How do you like it? Yeah, I really hate Lady Gaga. Charles' new last name is derived from a charecter in an Indiana Jones video game and American McGee's Alice is a sadistic game with a dreadful plot that, though very easy, is very addicting. The reason I condensed what was three chapters in the book to only one chapter was to make room for more romance, action and mystery!
Have a truly happy Thanksgiving from both of us!
Update coming next Friday!:)