Chapter 4, Something's Amiss or Maybe That's
Just Me
Disclaimer: You know. That.
A/N: IT'S THE HOLIDAY SEASON! That, and Gypsy Rosalie reviewed which is always a great treat! I have a surprise for you in this chapter, the first of many! Read on!
The Baudes reuntited with the Quags and Mr.
Poe in the Suite. "Well, what have you
discovered?" asked Mr. Poe as they sat around
the plasma said, "Esme Squalor is
here, and so is Carmelita!"
Duncan paled, "The scarlet woman who toyed
with my affections!"
"Yeah. Anyway, if they're here, Olaf can't be far
behind!"
"Decidely so." agreed Chubs, "I met a most
interesting person today."
He related the story of his disturbing
encounter with the 600+ year old Sir. "I don't
see what that has to do with anything."
remarked Isadora.
"You're right, darling. But he was a most
odiferous and neferious character. He might
be in cahoots with Olaf!"
"And what have you found out, Sunny?"
"NeroRemoraBassAss!" began Sunny, which
meant, "The crazy threesome is staying here!
I think they're plotting to kill each other!"
"Most peculier!" gasped Chubs putting on his
thinking face, "Surely there must be some
connection? Esme, Carmelita, our old School
Masters as well as a man from the
Shakesperaian era and his queer assitant.
What could it mean?"
Night was descending on the Hotel Plot Twist
as Esme Squalor sat in the corner of her suite,
smoking a cigarette with an ebony holder.
"Is he here yet, darling?" she asked of
Carmelita Spats, who was watching through
the window.
"There are cars coming up the drive!" she
announced grandly.
"Oh, really? Let us inform Mr. Plot Twist."
Ernest Plot Twist was one of the Hotel's two
managers. He was known for being crotchety
and high on Peruvian Pepper Pods half the
time. He was the exact opposite of his twin
brother, the other manager, Frank.
The two girls descended into the Main Room
where Ernest sat.
"Ernest, there are cars coming up the drive!"
Ernest lept from his seat in happy anticipation,
"It must be the arsonists!"
"The arsonists!" Carmelita chimed in, just to be
annoying.
The three ran around the room like idiots for
a few moments before Ernest opened the grand
doors and Flo walked in.
Flo was a slutty young creature and one of
Olaf's associates who, along with her hideous
older sister Tocuna, had kidnapped the
Quagmires from Prufrock Preparatory School.
She and her sister wore talcum powder all over
their faces to help with their unbecoming
facial rash. Flo was carrying a little suitcase
in one hand and a butcher's knife in the
other.
Music began to play out of nowhere and the
first of several ridiculous musicals that we've
randomly inserted into the story began.
MARVELOUS WEEKEND {from 'Something's
Afoot'}
Ernest: You must be Miss Flo!
Flo: Yes, that's right!
{she looks around}
Ohhhhhh, what a lovely hotel!
Ernest: {speaking} May I take your things,
Miss?
Flo: Oh, thank you!
{Singing}
Ohhhh, what a marvelous atomsphere!
{now a bald guy with a long nose enters, his
name is Reggie the Bean, better known as
Reggie, he is another of Olaf's hench-idiots}
Ernest: {speaking} Mr. Bean! Such a pleasure to
see you, sir!
Reggie: How are you Ernest?
Esme: Baldy, I'm sure you remember Flo.
Reggie: Ah, yes! Is Olaf here yet?
Esme: He'll be along in a second. He's probably
getting drunk on the way over.
Flo: {singing} Oh, what a lovely hotel it is!
Reggie: Yes, it is!
{next, Enya arrives, Enya is not a man or a
woman, it is an it who came forth from
prehistoric ooze in the begining of time,
another hench person}
Ernest: {speaking} Ah! You.
Enya: I prefer to be called 'Enya'. {to Esme} Has
Olaf arrived?
Carmelita: He'll be here shortly, cakesniffer!
{Enya roars in rage and throws Carmelita
against the wall, no one notices or cares, for
that matter}
Flo: {Singing} Oh, what a lovely, lovely,
LOVELY, lovely hotel it is!
All: {Shouting} WILL YOU SHUT UP WITH THE
DAMN LOVELY HOTEL?
{the doors open once more and Tocuna walks
in, as I said before, Tocuna is Flo's older and
uglier sister and also wears white powder on
her face to cover the genetic family rash}
Ernest: {speaking} Miss Tocuna! What a
pleasure!
Tocuna: Hello. {to Flo} How did you get here?
Flo: Took the 5 train. You really can't get
around Dirty Bastard if you don't use the
subway. How'd you come over?
Tocuna: I took a gypsy cab. Pervert driver. I
was coming from a pedicure.
Flo: Oh, let me see!
{Tocuna removes her shoe and everyone in the
room gags at the sight and smell of her
disgusting feet}
Tocuna: {putting shoe back on} Sorry about
that.
Flo: {singing} Aren't we lucky to all be here?
Reggie: {speaking} At least you changed it up
a bit.
{now Fernald enters, he is tall and skinny as a
bone, with menacing hooks instead of hands,
he is the last of Olaf's cronies}
Ernest: Fernald, how are you?
Fernald: {charming British accent} Fine,
thanks.
Ernest: How's the family?
Fernald: They're off piloting some idiot
submarine. Dad thinks he's going to find
heaps of pure Marajuana at Atlantis. Yet
another get rich quick scheme.
Enya: Those never work! I know from
expierence!
Esme: Are you talking about the time you tried
to sell dead rabbits for horse tails?
Enya: Yeah. Damn rabbit spirits!
{at last, Count Olaf enters, he is the same
crazy lunatic from the last two stories, ratty
black suit, giant bald spot, unibrow, obscene
tattoo on his left ankle, etc. etc.}
Ernest: Count Olaf! How have you been?
{everyone gathers around Olaf as he walks
into the room}
Olaf: {Singing} Set up my matches!
I feel so inspired!
Who could feel tired in this atomsphere?
Collect the idiots that you have aquired for a
most maddening arson!
{embracing Esme}
We've been invited to a Marvelous Arson! A
Marvelous Arson in the city air!
All: We've been invited to a Marvelous Arson!
We'll burn the whole place down! We're gonna
burn it to the ground!
Fernald: Smoke and sparks will be on the
agenda!
Reggie: No need to worry with our evil plan!
Flo: In my opinion murder should be on to the
agenda!
Tocuna: I recomend some good pillaging!
Enya: I recomend the Vodka! VODKA!
All: We've been invited for the arson!
Esme: {does an opera note}
All: ARSON IN THE CITY AIR!
{everyone files into the elevator, how they
allmanaged to fit, I will never know, out of the
shadows steps Ernest's brother, Frank Plot
Twist, he's nice but doesn't do crap to get
anything done right}
Frank: Good Lord! My brother's hosting a
conference of villany! I'd better alert the
guests!
THE CURTAIN FALLS BUT THE CHAPTER'S NOT
OVER YET
Ernest led Olaf and his troupe along the sixth
floor corridor.
"Count Olaf, you will be in Miss Squalor's and
Miss Spatt's room." he said gesturing to the
door.
"Of course." Olaf nodded, "Now, please excuse
us. Esme and I have some business to attend to
while the little brat tapes everything."
Carmelita made sounds of revulsion as she
followed the evil lovers into their room.
Ernest continued down the Hall, showing the
others where their rooms were.
All of this was observed through the peephole of
room 604. The observer was a young man
named Charles Sternhart, the business partner
of Sir.
"How exciting!" he clapped his hands as he sat
across from his little associate, whose face was
enshrouded by the smoke from the pipe he was
smoking.
"What's so exciting about it?" asked Sir
irritably, Charles replied, "Why, there's a group
of internationals down the Hall! It's rather
intriguing isn't it?"
"No. What is that?" Sir was inquiring of a
hideous midnight blue thing Charles was
constructing with lentghs of knitting wool.
"Oh, they're stockings for your little toes! It's
my late Christmas gift to you!"
"It's only the day after Christmas, it's not
exactly late."
"It is to me." Charles decided to change the
subject, "Are you excited about New Year's
Eve Party coming up in a few days?"
"Not really."
"Well I am! I wonder what I'm going to wear!"
"I'm going to bed." Sir climbed into the King
Size Bed in the back of the room while Charles
put down his knitting and curled up to sleep
on the couch.
"Fruitcup." Sir muttered to himself as he shut
off the lights.
In a room on the third floor, Principal Nero
was reading Harry Potter. He had only just
discovered the series and had proceeded to be
pissed when he found out that Hermione went
with Ron when Harry was so much more
deserving. He didn't like Ginny at all!
"Hand me my wig!" yelled Bass, running past
him. His/Her bald head was showing. Remora
must have stolen His/Her filthy black wig
again.
"Never!" shouted Remora, emerging from the
bathroom with the wig in one hand and a
pair of garden sheers in the other.
"Don't you dare destroy my wig!"
"I'll do anything I please!" huffed Remora and
he snipped the wig up into little shreds of black
yarn.
"YOU MONSTER!"
"HAG!"
"ROACH!"
"WHORE OF BABYLON!"
Nero looked up in shock: SPOILER ALERT!
SNAPE HAD JUST KILLED DUMBLEDORE!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
wailed Nero, sinking to his knees and sobbing.
In the background, Remora had given Bass a
black eye and Bass had hit him on the head
with the desk lamp.
Nero didn't give a damn.
In the Presidential Suite, the Baudes, the
Quags and Mr. Poe had showered and dressed
in the plushy Hotel Plot Twist Bathrobes they
had found in the closet. Surprisingly there was
a size for all of them, even Sunny!
"TV!" screamed Sunny, which meant, "Switch
on Style, I want to see those bratty Bridezillas!"
"You must put on QVC!" said Chubs, "They're
going to have their After-Christmas sales!"
"Shut up, you asses!" cut in Violet, "I wanna see
'Idol'!:
"New Moon's showing on HBO!" squeeled
Isadora, "I have got to see Taylor Lautner take
his shirt off!"
Chubs stared at her for a few moments, as did
Duncan who said, "None of that tosh! I insist
we watch that Documentery on the Great War
that's showing on History!"
"NO!" roared Mr. Poe. "We are going to
watch, 'The History of the Penny' on Channel
Thirteen and that's final!"
As a banker, Mr. Poe had a fetish for boring
shows that talked about money. He coughed
up phlegm directly after his speech so the
children decided to begrugingly show him
mercy.
Just as the Documentery was begining, there
was a little 'ding!' and the elevator doors
opened, admitting Frank, the manager.
"What the duece do you want?" asked Mr. Poe
before remembering that he was supposed to be
Colonel Sanders, and the children inside his
giant chicken Maurice.
"Listen," Frank began, "I know who you really
are. Kit Snicket sent you."
"Yeah, she did." said Violet, instantly on her
guard, "What's it to you?"
"My name is Frank Plot Twist. I'm the manager
here. Well, one of the managers. The other
manager, my twin brother Ernest. I think he's
involved with some giant conspiricy to
overthrow the world."
"Overthrow the world?" asked Duncan, taking
Violet's hand in his, "How does he intend to go
about that?"
"He's admitted, without my knowledge mind
you, a group of strange people. The leader of
them is named 'Olaf''."
"Damnit, crap!" cursed Isdora, "He's back!"
"You know him?" asked Frank, surprised.
"He has repeatedly endangered our lives." said
Chubs, "We last saw him fleeing into the snow
with his girlfriend."
"Of course!" cut in Violet, "That's why Esme and
Carmelita were here. They were going to hold
the place for him and his other creepy
assistants so they wouldn't bring up suspicion!
Then in the dead of night, this 'Ernest' guy lets
Olaf and the others in!"
"What are we going to do?" asked Mr. Poe.
"I'm not sure about that." replied Frank, "But
please take this."
He produced a Harpoon Gun from apparently
out of nowhere and handed it to them.
"Use it wisely." he said as he slunk back into
the Elevator.
There was a long silence.
"#$%!" swore Sunny. Everyone had to agree.
A/N: How'd you like it? 'Something's Afoot' is a
hilarious murder mystery musical. I adapted
the opening number 'Marvelous Weekend' into
'Marvelous Arson' for my amusement.
If you want to hear the original song, follow the link on our profile.
You may be asking a question right now.
That question is most likely: 'When the hell are
they gonna mention the Sugar Bowl?"
Well, never fear! It will be brought up soon. But
it's not the Sugar Bowl anymore. Heh, heh,
heh!:O That's Evoldo, my evil laugh smiley!
Update coming next Friday!:)