Chapter 5, The Twinkling
Disclaimer: Nothing.
A/N: Only eight days left till Christmas vacation! For me, at least. We'd like to thank Gypsy Rosalie, our loyal reviewer. This chapter will not include a song but will feature a bit of mystery. Not specfically a murder mystery but a type of mystery that this story is lampooning. The 'slasher' genre. Speaking of which, if you would be so kind, please read the concluding note before reviewing. I have a question for you all there.
And so it begins...
Violet awoke that morning to a smell of roasted licorice. She turned around in bed and saw that Mr. Poe was outside the bathroom pulling his trousers on.
"Oh, my God! My eyes!" she screamed, "Why can't you go to the bathroom for that?"
"Chubs is in there." replied the disgusting banker, "He's tweezing his armpit hairs and he says he doesn't want to be disturbed."
"And who's roasting licorice?" she asked. "Isadora. She wanted to order breakfast but the phone was dead so she decided to roast some Twizzlers. They're the only things left in the minibar."
"Why's the phone dead?"
"I can answer that question, darling!" came a voice and Duncan entered the room, dressed in a sweater and khakis.
He gave Violet a quick kiss on the cheek and began, "We're snowed in."
"WHAT? Not again!" Violet had reason to be distressed, just two days ago in the Dandruff Mountains, the Baudes had been snowed up in a mansion with Count Olaf. Mass murder had followed shortly after.
"The bad part is, the snow seems to show no signs of stopping."
Violet looked out the window and saw that Duncan was right, the snow was falling steadly. Not a blizzard, but it was a lot of snow nonethless.
A scream cut into the silence, "Sunny!" cried Violet, recognizing the scream.
"I'm not running until I've had my breakfast!" insisted Mr. Poe plodding into the kitchen with them.
Sunny was calling, "Winakpo! Vienmass! Shoot!" Which meant, 'The harpoon gun's gone! And someone's stolen my teething rings!'.
To substitute for the missing rings, Sunny was chewing Chubs' shoes which she had stolen from the closet a little earlier.
"Dear God, the gun!"
"What's all of this shouting?" asked Chubs as he stepped out of the bathroom, clean and dressed.
"The harpoon gun is missing!" Violet was crazed with fear, Duncan had to keep a firm hold on her so that she wouldn't explode with all of her shaking.
"Where's Isadora?" Chubs looked around. "Someone call me?" Isadora came out of her room, "I had to trash the roasted Twizzlers, they smelled like my Uncle Fred."
Duncan shuddered. He hated Uncle Fred.
"The gun's missing."
Isadora's eyes widened in fear, "What? Who? How?"
"We're all asking the same thing." said Chubs, taking her hand.
"Let's go downstairs. Maybe that Plot Twist fellow can help us." suggested Mr. Poe. The kids agreed. Violet picked up Sunny and they crowded into the elevator, Mr. Poe pressed the button for the lobby and they descended.
The lobby was deserted.
"Where the hell is everyone?" asked Isadora, exasperated.
"Let's try the dining room." suggested Duncan, "Perhaps we'll find them eating breakfast."
Indeed they did, the dining room housed a few people. Nero, Remora and Bass were sitting at one table in the corner, Sir and Charles at another and Frank, or perhaps Ernest, stood in the center of the room. They were relieved to find that Olaf and his ilk weren't about.
"Mr. Plot Twist," Violet began as they entered the room. Mr. Plot Twist, though, silenced them, "Shut up, brats and let me speak!"
The 'brats' silently sat at the nearest table. There was no room for Mr. Poe so he reluctantly sat at the little table in the far corner.
Mr. Plot Twist continued to everyone present, "Guests, as you can see, the snow is layed very thickly. The power is out for most of the city but the Hotel Plot Twist has its own reserve which should last us the next two days at least. I am Ernest Plot Twist and would like to tell you something."
"But you've already told us something about the electricity!" piped up Remora, who had a bruise the size of Kentuckey on his forehead. Bass was bald, I forgot to say; a result of their brawl of the previous night.
"SILENCE!" Ernest boomed, "Let me continue. My brother Frank, the other manager here, has dissapeared. I have had the staff search the hotel top to toe."
"Top to toe?" asked Charles, "Is that a real expression?"
"SILENCE!" Ernest boomed again, "Anyway we can't find my brother and there are also eight guests who aren't present." he paused and said, "Count Olaf and company. Anyone know where they are?"
Suddenly, the doors flew open and 'Boom, Boom, Pow' began to play in the background as Count Olaf, Esme, Carmelita and the five other henchfolk strode in, break dancing and acting like they owned the place.
The jaws of the children dropped in horror. Except for Sunny's, her chin was down in adoration of Olaf, her first love.
"G'morning Ernest!" greeted Olaf slapping the manager on the back while Reggie and Enya threw vacant tables about the room.
"Sorry we're late but we were all hungover. Big night, last night, I can tell you."
"Please sit down, Olaf." said Ernest. Olaf and his associates sat down.
"Have any of you seen my brother?" Ernest asked. "No. I speak for all of them when I say this because they're still rather groggy."
Ernest was about to reply when Olaf caught the eyes of the children, he gave them a little wave before realizing who they were, "MOTHER OF MERCY! ESME, WE'VE FOUND THEM!"
Esme perked up, "The children!"
They advanced on them, Sunny proceeded to jump on Olaf and kiss him veraciosly across the face.
"Liski! Doingo! Braksalar!" she cried, which meant, "I've missed you so! Don't leave me, I beg you!"
Esme was staring daggers at Olaf who turned to her, slapped her upside the face and said, "Esme, leave us be! Can't I have time with my old flame?" Esme looked at him like an animal enraged before stomping out of the room, dragging the still woozy Carmelita behind her.
"You've got some explaining to do, boss." remarked Fernald.
Nero said, "Oh, look! There's the man who posed as our Gym Teacher! Remember him?"
Bass grumbled, "I try not to."
Now there was the second scream of the day and in ran one of the hotel maids, an enormous woman named Martha.
"What's wrong, crazy lady?"stammered Fernald, drunkenly stroking her face with one of his hooks.
"I found Mr. Plot Twist!" she gasped.
"No shizzel, he's right here!" said Olaf, pointing at Ernest.
"Not that Mr. Plot Twist! The other Mr. Plot Twist! Frank!"
Ernest stepped in, "Where is he?"
"He's dead. I found him stuffed in the fourth floor toilet. There was something that had went through him. A spear or something."
"A harpoon!" gasped Chubs.
The group followed Martha into the Elevator to the fourth floor. Everyone that is, except for Sir who had insisted on staying to finish his eggs Benedict. Once there, they found the bloody corpse of Frank Plot Twist sprawled in the toilet, a harpoon through the chest.
"Dear God, how gruesome!" gagged Enya, clutching its chest and convulsing.
"What are you puking about?" asked Violet, "We all know you guys did it!"
"Nonsense!" cried Olaf, "I'd never kill someone!"
"Really?" posed Chubs, "What about Jacques Snicket, Elmira Hickingsvill, Cheif Elder Lawrence Petrovich, William Starloff, Lettie McPhee, Mabel Pierce and most importantly our parents?"
"Oh! Burn!" chorused the Prufrock Squad.
"Don't you start, you bratty rich kids!" snapped Flo, "We didn't do anything to that man!"
"You know what's surprising?" said Fernald after a short pause. "What?" asked everyone. He replied, "Ernest isn't affected at all even though his brother's mangled corpse in right in front of him!"
Indeed Ernest now had now turned his i-Pod up to high volume and was playing 'We Didn't Start the Fire' at ear-shattering frequency.
"Nophum!" cried Sunny suddenly, which meant, "Wait a second! Olaf's gone!"
"He must be fleeing the scene of the crime!" roared Duncan, leading the children back to the elevator.
Mr. Poe caughed and looked at Martha, "Wanna go get some chocolate from the lobby vending machine?"
"How kind of you!"
They were next to leave. Now Tocuna and Flo went off, chattering in hushed tones. They were followed by Fernald and Reggie who were discussing their favorite Indiana Jones film. The Prufrock Squad left next, leaving only Charles, Enya and Ernest standing outside the bathroom.
"I have to go to the Spa. I have a manicure scheduled!" Said Charles, and he too was gone.
Enya roared and carried Ernest away as:
THE CURTAIN FALLS
A/N: Did you like it? The Chapter title was based on 'The Shining' by Steven King because of the whole 'snowbound in the creepy hotel with a dead body in the bathroom' thing. Sunny seems to have, yet again, fallen for Olaf's charm. And where are Esme and Carmelita? And for that matter: WHERE THE DEVIL IS COUNT OLAF HIMSELF? Oh, and, on a somewhat related topic, how would you like if I published an actual murder-mystery fic? Feel free to answer in your review!
Update Coming Next Friday!:)