Chapter 7, The Phantom of the Hotel
Disclaimer: Do we really need one of these anymore?
A/N: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry! We are so sorry for not getting to update before Christmas but the family took a bit of a spontenous overnight trip to the other family where the internet is so slow it takes twenty minutes to load g-mail. I AM SPOILED! That is why, we are updating three chapters this week. One for Christmas, one for New Year's and one for this week. We'd like to thanks gypsy rosalie for reviewing and Laura Scofeild for reviewing the previous two books. To answer your remarks, Laura: the chapters are long because I just need to cram information into stuff. I also feel the reader needs a bit of something lentghy given there's a one week wait, at least, for updates. As for the remark on outside refrences, I don't think they're going to be leaving any time soon! Thanks so much for your constructive criticism and we must away!
The first to respond to Charles' girlish screams were, in this order: Ernest, Mr. Poe, Martha, Sir, Nero, Remora, Esme, Reggie, Flo, Tocuna, Enya, Fernald, Violet, Isadora, Sunny, Chubs, Duncan and Carmelita.
"Dear God! Bass!" wailed Remora, "And I was so cruel to him or her!"
Nero made a soft remark, "How tragic." and dropped the subject entirely so he could get back to his inner wailing about Hedwig's death.
"Another of us murdered!" groaned Martha, clutching Mr. Poe's shoulder for support, "What will we do?"
"Wait a second!" Ernest interrupted her, "Where are the rest of the staff?"
Indeed, Martha was the only hotel employee in the room.
"They have to be here somewhere." trailed off Flo, throwing open the Kitchen door as she said this. Inside the Kitchen were a pile of bodies, dead as clean foot shavings.
Everyone screamed and Martha fainted.
"They were gassed!" gasped Chubs after examining the room and the corpses.
"Eww! You mean someone farted on them?" gagged Carmelita.
"No, they were killed with poison gas, released through those airvents!" Chubs pointed at the ventalation grates in the wall.
"T-then someone is bent on mass murder!" realized old Reggie the Bean.
"No wonder." remarked Esme drily.
"Why, it's a phenomonon," said Sir, "as the idiot Shakes would put it, of the Invisible Killer!"
"Like a Phantom, almost!" said Isadora. "Yes!" gasped off Duncan, "The Phantom of the Hotel."
They decided to move Frank and Bass into the kitchen with the other bodies, keep things nice and orderly, you know.
The group seperated, more frightened then they had ever been in their lives.
The children sat once more in the main room of the Presidential suite.
"Well, it's obvious, isn't it?" Violet began, "The Phantom's Olaf. He's hiding somewhere. Why else would he dissapear at the very moment we discovered Frank's body?"
"Maybe he wanted to redirect suspicion from himself to someone else!" suggested Isadora, "But who?"
"You mean 'whom', dear sister." corrected Duncan, Isadora slapped him.
"Gleebo!" insisted Sunny, which meant, 'Olaf wouldn't do anything like that!'
"Of course he would, Sunny." sighed Violet, exasperated, "He killed everyone except us and Esme at Crapshack Manor, remember?"
"Soyso!" shreiked Sunny, which meant, "That means nothing!" she hurriedly crawled away, out of the room.
"She's got a bee in her bonnet, that one." muttered Chubs once she had left.
Sunny used the stairwell so that she could roll downstairs in peace. Upon entering the narrow and smelly staircase she heard a voice: a voice singing beutiful music.
"Olaf!" gasped Sunny, following the music.
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA {From, well, 'The Phantom of the Opera'}
{Sunny, whom I have replaced with vocalist extraordinary, Sarah Brightman for the song as Sunny can't speak English yet, follows the music back up the stairs as she sings}
Sunny: In sleep he bit for me. In dreams he came.
That voice which calls to me, and speaks my name.
And do I dream again?
For now I find:
The PHANTOM OF THE HOTEL is there, inside my mind.
{Sunny reaches the top landing of the stairs where there is a metal ladder going up to a heavy trapdoor in the ceiling}
Olaf: {heard in the background} Bite once again with me! Our strange duet. My power over you, grows stronger yet.
And though you turn from me, to glance behind:
The PHANTOM OF THE HOTEL is there, inside your mind!
{Sunny climbs the ladder and opens the trapdoor, suddenly, Esme appears on the stairs carrying a long butcher's knife in her hand, she arrives on the landing just in time to see Sunny vanish through the trapdoor}
Esme: My darling pimp, you will suffer!
For now, your whore is here!
INSIDE YOUR MIND!
{she climbs the ladder after Sunny, we now see what is beyond the trapdoor: the inner workings of the giant clock inset in the lobby ceiling, spinning gears, turning cogs and lots of loud and annoying noises abound, a figure in a black cloak and hat emerges from the shadows to greet Sunny, it is Olaf, who is wearing a white mask that covers half of his face}
Sunny: {caressing Olaf's face} Those who have seen your face, draw back in fear. I am the mask you wear.
Olaf: It's me they hear!
{he helps her onto a spinning cog and they hold hands during the next lines}
Olaf and Sunny: My spirit and your teeth, in one combined.
The PHANTOM OF THE HOTEL is there, INSIDE OUR MINDS!
{Esme looks through the trapdoor and hurries back down, shouting}
Esme: It's the Phantom of the Hotel! Beware the Phantom of the Hotel!
{Olaf and Sunny turn at the sound of the cry but are too late to see Esme's retreat, the song commences}
Olaf: In all your fantasies, you always knew, that man and mystery...
Sunny: {finishing for him} Were both in you!
Olaf and Sunny: And in this labrynith, where night is blind. The PHANTOM OF THE HOTEL is there, inside our minds!
Olaf: Bite, my Angel of Molars!
Sunny: He's there, the Phantom of the Hotel!
{bites random things}
Olaf: Bite, my Angel!
Sunny: {bites more random things}
Olaf: Bite for Me!
Sunny: {bites even more random things}
Olaf: Bite, my Angel! Bite!
Sunny: {bites enough random things to last here till next Thanksgiving}
Olaf and Sunny: The PHANTOM! The PHANTOM!
{Olaf and Sunny embrace heartily}
THE CURTAIN FALLS, BUT WE'VE STILL GOT A LOT OF THE CHAPTER TO GO
"Okay, Carmelita." Violet began, "Explain."
They had brought Carmelita back to the suite to have her say why she had come in the first place. She would've explained earlier but she had fainted and then Charles had screamed over Bass' body.
"Well, Esme's lost it!"
"When did she 'have it' in the first place?" asked Isadora sarcastically. Carmelita went on, ignoring her, "She wants to find this thing called the Chamber Pot."
"But there are convenient bathrooms all over the hotel!" said Chubs. "I don't think she wants to use a Chamber Pot. She wants what's inside it."
"Ewwwwwwwwwww!" gagged Violet.
"I don't mean it like that! She's bribing the Ernest guy, the manager, to find it. That's why Olaf wanted to come here in the first place. He had wanted the Chamber Pot for something. He said there was something in it that could change history as we know it."
"That must be why Kit sent us here!" realized Duncan, "Both ZYK and the enemy are looking for the same thing!"
"I guess so." sighed Carmelita, "But I don't want to be an enemy anymore! Esme's crazy and Olaf's probably going to murder us all so I really don't see the need to stay with the cakesniffers any longer!"
"That's the spirit!" cheered Duncan, patting Carmelita on the back. Violet gave him a look and he quieted down.
Duncan gave Violet a feeble smile and said, "Right! We've got to find..."
Suddenly there was a cry, "The Phantom of the Hotel! Beware the Phantom of the Hotel!"
"That's Esme's voice!" gasped Carmelita.
"Quick, hide!" said Duncan, pushing her into the closet and locking the door.
Esme burst into the room through the stairwell door as Sunny hadn't locked it on her way out.
"There you are." she cackled, "You're in for it now!"
"What do you mean?" asked Violet, not too kindly, "I mean that I've just seen your baby brat singing and dancing upstairs with the Phantom of the Hotel: my ex!"
"When did you break up, again?" asked Isadora, "We unofficially broke up at breakfast. He slapped me and kissed the baby! And now, they're in cahoots! I shall inform the others at once!" She spun on her heel and triumphantly marched back down the stairs.
"What a little..."
"Whore." finished Duncan for his sister, "We want to keep our T rating!"
"Stop breaking the fourth wall, Duncan!" I screamed from my desk in the third dimension.
"Okay." said Duncan feebly.
"We've got to do something!" started Violet, "Sunny's so stupid sometimes, God knows what Olaf might be doing to her!"
"Tea, Sunny, darling?" asked Olaf, standing over his little hot plate.
"Tea!" said Sunny, which meant, "Of course, baby. I always take mine with sugar!"
Olaf now paused to begin his long, ranting monologue, "Sunny, I'd like to tell you my story."
"Do!" shrieked Sunny, eagerly, which meant, "I'd love to here it!"
"Very well. Doubtless, Kit Snicket has already told you about ZYK. Am I correct?"
"Yeah."
"They're a ramshackle bunch, those lot! They kidnap babies and train them to read books, and be cryptic and use an unesecerally large vocabulary. I was one of those babies."
"For true?" gasped Sunny, which meant, "No way!"
"Yes way, as were your parents. And the Snicket triplets."
"Triplets?" inquired Sunny, which meant, "I thought there were just two!"
"There are two now. The triplets were Jacques, whom you knew breifly and was killed by me. Well, Esme actually killed him but I orchestrated the affair. There were also Kit, whom you met and Lemony."
"Lemony!" which meant, "The ruler of our world?"
"Yes, he's writing these events down right now, as we speak!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Wait! Don't panic just yet! Let me finish first. ZYK had its own school where the abducted children learnt things. The Snickets and I were in the same class along with the Plot Twist triplets."
"Triplets?" said Sunny again, "But I taught Frank and Ernest were twins!"
"No. There was a third Plot Twist brother. Dewey. We made fun of Frank and Dewey very much. Dewey who was so bookish and nerdy. Kit liked him. I was so damn pissed off when she kissed him in the shadow of the locker room! Frank was a timid beast, rumored to be hiding in his closet, if you know what I mean. We tortured the hell out of him, head in the toilet, feet up his britches and all that."
"Edwood!" said Sunny, "Cut to the chase, please!"
"If you insist. The most confidential of the ZYK Archives contained information that held the very balance of the world, the faith of mankind! Of course, I never saw it. Few did. It was safe in the Archives for years until the train."
"Train?" questioned Sunny, which meant, "A train? This story's getting more stupid by the second!"
"It'll start making sense presently! I ran the ZYK Headquarters in the Dandruff Mountains down with a giant freight train, the same way I killed your parents. Ernest helped me, as did a few other ZYK members who were fed up with the goody two shoes way of life. We wanted the Chamber Pot. But no! Somehow it rolled over the courtyard and into the Swervy Stream where it flowed into the sea."
"Huh?" asked Sunny, which meant, "But if it was thrown into the sea why are you looking for it at this hotel?"
"Rumor has it that Dewey Plot Twist found it, and without telling anyone, hid it in this building. Ernest and Frank locked him away, hoping he'd tell them where it was. He never spoke of it."
"Dewey?" which meant, "Is the bookworm still here?"
"Assuredly he is. Doing what, I cannot say. My associates and I came here to find Dewey. If we find him, we find the Chamber Pot."
"Frank, Bass, Staff?" said Sunny, which meant, "If you didn't kill all of those people, who did?"
"Dewey, no doubt. We're all here for the same thing. Ernest and Frank wanted the Chamber Pot for their own means, those idiot teachers learned about it by searching the papers left in my old desk at their school, the migit and his partner have been searching for it since time began and of course, you children and that humogorous banker were sent here by ZYK."
"Screw ZYK!" hurrumphed Sunny, which meant, "Forget them, love! I want to help you. They all think you're the killer!"
"Thank you, Sunny. What should we do? We're snowbound and things don't look very good for escape. Wait! How did you children escape when you were snowbound last time?"
"Poe." said Sunny drily, which meant, "Mr. Poe came along with a flying reindeer sleigh."
"Excellant! Where is it?"
"Sausgepot." sighed Sunny, which meant, "The cops shot us down and the sleigh blew up."
"Damn! But, perhaps Poe knows how to make another one!"
"Genius!" cheered Sunny.
"Come, my darling." Olaf was excited, "We have a fatass to catch!"
A/N: And so, the kidnapping spree begins! I love the Phantom of the Opera and I thought it was perfect for Sunny and Olaf to sing the title song!
Coming up next: Olaf and Sunny cause more mayhem and madness while more songs are sung and I go to the bakery to get me a scone and coffee.
Update Should Already by Up, as a Matter of Fact!:)