Chapter 8, Kidnapping, Inventions, Death, Singing and Shiny Knives
Disclaimer: There is no reason to reiterate anymore.
A/N: This is gonna be a long one. I'd like to remind the readers that the lyrics to all the songs featured in this story will be listed and linked on our profile.
Martha had invited Mr. Poe to the employee lounge for, since she was the only employee left, she was at liberty to do whatever the hell she wanted.
"I want to thank you, Arthur." she began, switching on the coffee pot.
"For what?" Asked Mr. Poe before bursting into yet another random caughing fit.
"For saving my life."
"How did I save your life, again?"
"You kept me away from the other employes! While the Phantom lured them to their deaths, we were together at the vending machines! You did save me!"
Mr. Poe blushed and pawed the ground with his foot, "Well, I suppose then that I did save you!"
"Yes, you did!" The two giggled like five year olds for a moment before Mr. Poe coughed again and said, "Excuse, me darling. I have to use the 'nessecery'."
"It's right down the hall."
Mr. Poe ran out of the room, hacking up pleghm.
Martha sighed to herself, "Oh, Arthur!"
YOU FELL OUT OF THE SKY {From 'Something's Afoot}
{Note: throughout the song, Martha dances around the room seductivly, she's so ugly that people might have minor heart attacks when watching her toy with her skirt}
Martha: Who could've believed it could happen? That a dream could come true with such ease? Like Orpheus out of the Underworld and Neptune out of the seas!
You fell out of the sky and suddenly Cupid aimed his arrow and shot me, got me! My blues bid me goodbye the moment that you fell out of the sky!
{suddenly, a hatch slides aside in the ceiling and a small chandelier on a long chain descends through it, Olaf, still in his ridiculous Phantom outfit, is clinging to the chain}
Olaf: {whispering, through the hatch} A little careful, Sunny.
{throughout the rest of the Song, the chandelier moves back and forth of the room with Olaf trying fruitlessly to grab Martha}
Martha: {singing} You fell out of the sky! While searching for mucus to use, you started to tease me! Please me!
I knew instantly why:
The reason was you fell out of the sky!
{Olaf swings by and comes close to catching Martha, she doesn't notice and Olaf flails}
Olaf: {shouting} Blasted furnaces of hell!
Martha: {singing, ignoring everything Olaf is doing} My heart is pounding madly!
{pounds chest}
It beats a wild tattoo!
{claps hands in rythem} Explosions roar inside me! Insisting I love you! I love you!I love you. True, how can I deny? When I'm thinking of you with me it would never be tragic, it's magic! I do. Here's my reply:
Thank heaven that YOU FELL OUT OF THE SKY!
{The chandelier moves to a position directly above Martha and Olaf catches her by the wrists}
Olaf: {speaking, triumphantly} I've got you now, you fatass!
Martha: {calling} Help! Arthur, please!
{the chandlier begins moving back up through the hatch, Olaf and the chandlier itself move back through rather easily but Martha gets stuck in the hatch so her chubby legs are dangling over the room, Mr. Poe enters}
Mr. Poe: Good Lord! I'll save you Martha!
{he grabs onto Martha's legs and tries to pull her down}
I can see your underoos!
Martha: Save me!
Olaf: {heard within} Darling, reel us up!
{now, Martha and Mr. Poe, with some difficulity due to their enormousness, dissapear through the hatch which seals behind them}
THE CURTAIN FALLS, BUT THIS CHAPTER IS GOING TO BE UNCOMMONLY LONG
"Where is Olaf? That is the question of the day! Where is Olaf?" said Fernald for the millionenth time that day, slamming his hook down on the foozball table in the game room. The other four of Olaf's henchfolk were gathered around, listening promptly.
"Olaf's killing everyone, no doubt about that!" remarked Tocuna, lighting a cigarette.
"Oh, that's really thinking outside the box!" said Reggie sarcastically.
"Leave her alone! She was dropped on her head at birth!" cut in Flo.
"I was not!"
"You were too!"
"Was not!"
"Were too!"
"WAS NOT!"
"WERE TOO!"
"SILENCE YOU IDIOTS!" roared Enya, "WE MUST STAY ON THE TASK AT HAND! FINDING OLAF!"
"What if he's already found the Chamber Pot?" mused Flo worridly, "And he's left without us?"
"How could he leave? There's snow stacked up eight feet high over the whole city!" said Reggie, exasperated.
"He's Olaf, I'm sure he'll think of something!"
Back inside the clock, Sunny was pulling the winch that hoisted the little chandlier through the hatch.
There were countless such devices on hand in the Clock and Olaf had taken the time to learn what each one did.
It had been his idea to capture both Mr. Poe and Martha. That way if Poe refused to cooperate they could threaten him by putting his hideous lady friend in danger.
Sunny grunted with effort as the chandlier came to the surface of the hatch, Olaf standing on it. He was grabbing the wrists of Martha and Mr. Poe was grabbing her ankles.
The latter two were covered in grime from the sides of the hatch; they were both so fat that they retained all of the dirt from the walls they had been dragged against.
"What is the meaning of this?" mumbled Mr. Poe before promptly passing out.
"Oh, dear." muttered Martha, backing away from the masked Olaf.
"Silence!" he hissed, he turned to Sunny, "Darling, grab the knife!"
"Roger!" said Sunny, giving her beloved the salute. 'Roger' by the way, means, "Ackroyd!"
Sunny crawled over Olaf's trusty pile of various crap and seized his rusty and menacing knife which she gave to Olaf, who proceeded to hold Martha with one hand while placing the knife's sharp edge against her throat. Not enough to harm her, but enough to shut her up.
"Now, dear Margret." he began only to have Martha cut him off, "I'm Martha."
"Whatever. You will do as the baby and I say or else we shall slit your throat and that will indeed be most unpleasent for you."
Martha gulped and quieted down.
"Zeeb!" said Sunny, which meant, "Poe's waking up!"
"Quickly! Get in position!"
Sunny's 'position' was to stand in front of Mr. Poe with her teeth bared like a wild beast of Borneo.
Mr. Poe stirred groggly and the first thing he saw once he was out of his stupor was Sunny slobering at the mouth and hissing like a wildcat.
"Heavens!" he exclaimed, "Sunny! What? Where? When? How? Cheese?" he coughed again and then noticed Martha ,Olaf and the knife.
"Silence, Poe." said Olaf.
"Count Olaf! I've found you!"
"No, we found you. Now, you will do what I say or your disgusting excuse for a woman gets it!"
"Help me, Arthur!" wailed Martha.
"Martha! I shall save you!"
"Well, if you want to save her, you idiot, then you will do as I command!"
"Then, what do you command?" asked Mr. Poe.
Olaf began, "Dear Sunny has told me that you, her, and those disgusting brats came to this city in a flying reindeer sleigh."
"Yes, we did but it was shot down."
"Sunny told me. Where did you get this sleigh?"
"At Macy's, there was only one left in stock. I wanted to wish the children Merry Christmas and all fleights into the Dandruff Mountains were closed. That sleigh was the only way. Heh, I made a rhyme!"
"Hmph." hmphed Olaf, "If we can't get one, then we will have to make one. Do you know anyone who could make one for us?"
Mr. Poe thought for a moment before saying, "Violet is quite the inventor."
"Shleeb!" said Sunny, which meant, "I could have told him that!"
"Excellant!" mused Olaf, "Poe, you will lure Violet here so that we can make her invent! Do it well and don't blab lest I cut your woman."
Martha whimpered again and Mr. Poe dashed down the ladder and out of the clock.
Violet heard a knock at the suite's back door. On opening it she saw Mr. Poe looking more disheveled then she had ever seen him. His top hat was askew, his necktie was loose and he was coated in grime from head to foot.
"Mr. Poe! Where the hell have you been?" said Violet, and for good measure, "You look like crap!"
"I have discovered things! Where are the others?"
"Isadora's glued to the coach watching 'New Moon'. She's been gawking at Taylor Lautner for an hour. It isn't pretty. Duncan and Chubs are exploring the hotel and Sunny, well, Sunny I'm not sure about her." Violet remembered what Esme had said about Sunny being alone with Olaf.
"I know where Sunny is!" said Mr. Poe excitedly, "She is with Count Olaf, who is the Phantom of the Hotel! He has kidnapped her!"
Violet blanched, Esme had said nothing about Sunny being kidnapped! Violet had just assumed that Sunny had gone to Olaf willingly.
"Where is she?" Violet struggled to keep her tone normal. "Come with me!" And Mr. Poe dashed up the stairs.
Violet sighed, Mr. Poe was so vague sometimes.
She followed him up the next fleight of stairs to a landing with a caged off set of steps, which must have been the staff entrance to the rooftop nightclub, as well as a ladder leading up through a trapdoor.
"Hurry! Hurry!" called Mr. Poe, climbing the ladder.
"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Said Violet hurrying up the ladder after him.
Once through the trapdoor, Violet found herself to be inside of the giant clock in the lobby. The spinning gears and cogs, as well as the various other noisy pieces greatly interested Violet's inventive-ness-es-miss.
Mr. Poe appeared from the shadows holding Sunny. The only problem was that Sunny's hands were bound together with heavy black elastics and her mouth was gagged with a length of masking tape.
"Mr. Poe! You found her. Why is she all tied up?"
Mr. Poe looked more miserable then ever as another figure stepped forward: Count Olaf,wearing his black cloak and hat as well as his white half mask.
"Olaf!" began Violet, trying to sound herioc, "We've found you! Now, hand over Sunny and Mr. Poe!"
"Oh, but I can't hand over Mr. Poe." he said, amused, "You see, he's working for me now and he's lured you to my lair! Your baby brat is my prisoner and I will kill her if you don't do as I command! Poe, deposit the baby with the other captive!"
"Very well, sir." mumbled Mr. Poe, ashamed, he walked over to a heavy steel cage that Violet had not noticed earlier. In the cage sat Mr. Poe's maid lover, Martha. She, like Sunny, was bound in elastic and gagged with masking tape. Mr. Poe unlatched the cage and gently placed Sunny down next to Martha before locking the cage once again.
Olaf continued, "Mr. Poe is in the same situation that you're in, girl. You are both like constipated old men. If one were to put Fiber One cereal behind a constipated old man and an Enema in front of him, he will move towards the Enema because he wants the reward of relief and away from the Fiber One because he doesn't want the punishment of intestinal blockage. You will do as I say because you do not want the punishment of losing your loved ones..."
"Alright, alright!" gasped Violet, irritated, "What do you want me to do?"
Olaf smiled, "You are to build a flying reindeer sleigh similar to the one you lot used to get to this city. Oh, and you must be quick about it! My escape must be quick and unnoticed."
Violet sighed, she didn't really want to help this creepy pervert but she didn't want her sister to die either.
Violet took her trusty ribbon out of her pocket and tied her hair into a ponytail, to keep it out of her eyes. "Okay." she sighed, "I'm going to need all of the strip poles from the rooftop nightclub, the buffet table from the dining room, four prophane tanks from the supply closet and two packs of Mentos."
"Poe will get those for you." said Olaf curtly, "Hurry along Poe, I'd like to escape by nightfall."
Mr. Poe gave a quick bow and moved toward the Trapdoor, Olaf stopped him before he left.
"Oh, and Poe. Remember, if you try to weazel out of this, then I shall kill your maid." He fingered the blade of his knife as he said this and Mr. Poe dashed through the Trapdoor.
It was very difficult for a man of the pyshical flabbiness of Mr. Poe to aquire the pieces for Violet's invention.
First he went to the rooftop nightclub and unhinged all seven of the strip poles with his little flathead screwdriver. He lugged these back to the clock before going down to the dining room and dragging the buffet table up the stairs. Then he took four rusty prophane tanks from the supply closet and nearly destroyed the whole hotel when he dropped one of them. Getting the Mentos was the easiest task as he already had some stuffed in his trousers for reasons best left to himself. Mr. Poe climbed the ladder back into the clock, lugging the propane tanks in his arms. He set these down beside the strip poles and buffet table and set the Mentos alongside those.
Violet had been going through the maintenence kits she had found amongst the gears. She was donned in a heavy leather apron and gloves and held a welding mask in one hand and a welding torch in the other; she looked like a mad welding torch killer but perhaps that was the idea.
"Well, now that we have everything," began Olaf, cracking his knuckles, "get to work, girl!"
Violet sighed and started to work among her weird assortmant of materials.
Ernest had assembled everyone in the lobby where he had also assembled a raised dais that supported a piano and podium.
It was growing dark now and the snow still showed no signs of stopping.
"I thought it would be nice," Ernest said, once enough of them were there; those present were: Chubs, Duncan, Isadora, Carmelita, Esme, Flo, Tocuna, Reggie, Fernald, Enya, Nero, Remora, Sir and Charles, "if we had a bit of a musical interlude to calm us down as it seems!"
"I am an expert at the violin!" said Nero, excitedly, "Perhaps I could lend my music and Remora could play the piano?"
"Hurrah!" cheered Remora. The two school masters took their places at the instruments.
"Anyone want to sing?" asked Ernest.
Chubs and Isadora looked at each other and smiled before dashing onto the dais at the podium.
The music began to play and we begin a song that is not from a musical but rather, from the collection of Italian songs that make you cry.
CON TE PARTIRO {As sung by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman}
Isadora: When I'm alone, I look out on the horizon and words fail. Yes, I know there is no light in a room where the sun in absent, if you are not with me! At the windows, I show everyone my heart which you set alight! Enclose within me the light you encountered on the street!
Time to say goodbye!
I'll go with you to countries I never SAW AND EXPIERENCED WITH YOU!
Now, yes, I shall expierence them. I'll go with you on ships across seas which I know, no, no, exist no longer!
With you I shall expierence them!
It's time to say goodbye!
Chubs: {in the voice of an expert tenor} When you are far away, I dream out on the horizon and words fail.
And, yes, I know that you are with me;
you, my moon, are here with me,
my sun, you are here with me.
Time to say goodbye!
I'll go with you to countries I never
saw and shared with you.
Now, yes, I shall experience them.
I'll go with you on ships across seas which, I know, no, no, exist no longer; with you I shall experience them again.
I'll go with you on ships across the seas
which, I know, no, no, exist no longer;
with you I shall experience them again.
I'll go with you. I with you.
Isadora and Chubs: {harmony} TIME TO SAY GOODBYE! I'LL GO WITH YOU TO COUNTRIES I NEVER SAW AND EXPIERENCED WITH YOU! NOW I WILL EXPIERENCE THEM WITH YOU!
{there is great applause}
THE CURTAIN FALLS, BUT EVEN THOUGH THE CHAPTER SEEMS TO GO ON FOREVER, WE'VE STILL GOT A LITTLE BIT LEFT TO GO
Back in the clock, Violet had finally finished her tinkering. She had welded the strip poles into an intricate web of metal rods that supported the now leg-less table. She had affixed the propane tanks to each corner of the table with lengths of elastic and was opening the packs of Mentos.
"What exactly are you doing with all this?" mused Olaf, who was leaning against the cage in which Martha and Sunny were bound and gagged. By the by, Mr. Poe was half asleep, sprawled out on the floor.
"I've made you a rocket sled." Violet said tiredly, "It should get you out of here pretty fast. All I have to do is slit the propane tanks and put the Mentos in to give the sled power. I suggest you climb onto the table."
"Excellant!" said Olaf triumphantly, and when Violet turned around to face him she blanched. Olaf had released, unbound and ungagged Sunny. And the little baby was in his arms baring her teeth at her.
"Sunny?" trailed off Violet, horrified and shocked. "Menomo!" cackled Sunny, which meant, "I've been in on it all along, you idiot!"
"Sunny is quite right." said Olaf, "She was a marvelous actress in a play performed for your benifit. Mr. Poe did a passeble job but he's been asleep for the last hour so he merits nothing."
The crazy Phantom leapt onto the rocket sled, Sunny in his arms and commanded Violet, "Now, light this fire!"
He sounded horribly corny and looked incredibly stupid to boot but Violet did as she was told.
Luckily, she had never intended to follow through on her promise to Olaf. The device she had constructed was just a big hunk of metal with a wooden slab on top of it. The propane tanks, though, and the Mentos were key. Once she slit the tanks and inserted the Mentos, there would be enough mayhem to manage to escape and get help.
Violet had planned to rescue Sunny in the confusion but seeing as Sunny was now siding with Olaf, Violet didn't see how she could help her dreadfully misguided sister.
Using a pen, Violet slit each of the tanks open and, moving quickly before too much gas could escape, dumped the little candies into each slit.
The resulting chaos was, well, chaotic. The tanks spun off of the sled, spewing gas everyewhere. They crashed into the spinning gears and cogs, knocking some loose. The gears clattered and clanged about, creating much danger.
Mr. Poe awoke from his slumber with a start and with an exclamation of, "Great God in Heaven!" he started running and ducking about like everyone else.
Sunny was crawling around, nearly getting wacked by the tanks and gears that were all flying around and looking for Olaf in all the madness.
Olaf himself, was running around with a length of elastic in his hand, striking out at random things and hoping to catch Violet or Mr. Poe.
Violet was slowly but steadily making her way to the trapdoor. That is, if she could find it in all the confusion.
Martha sat in the cage, her hands and feet bound with elastic and her mouth gagged with tape. She just hoped none of the huge flying projectiles came to her.
Mr. Poe finally came to his senses and remembered that this was the perfect chance to rescue Martha. He carefully made his way to the cage and undid the lock with one of his patented 'Poe-Tips'. Poe-Tips were just Q-Tips that Mr. Poe carried around in case they could help him on his travels. This was the first time in five years that they had come in handy.
He quickly unfastened the elastics binding Martha's hands and feet and peeled off the masking tape that gagged her. "Oh, Arthur!" sobbed Martha, collapsing gratefully in his arms.
"Let's get out of here!" said Mr. Poe, taking her by the hand and leading her towards where he believed the trapdoor was.
All of this takes time to describe. In reality, everything from the Mentos being slipped into the tanks to Martha's rescue only took about a minute.
Now, a giant whirring gear soared into the metal web that Violet had constructed as a decoy. The entire structure collapsed into a steel disk inset in the floor: the clock.
Back in the lobby, the applause for Chubs' and Isadora's rendition of 'Con Te Partiro' was just ending.
The couple, as well as Remora and Nero took their bows on the dais as Ernest joined them.
"That was absolutly magnifecent!" praised Ernest, "I've not heard that song song more beutifully since..."
But he never got to finish his sentence, for at that moment, in the clock, the buffett table mounted on metal rods crashed through the face of the clock itself.
The heavy contraption hurtled toward the ground, surrounded by huge chunks of the clock.
There were screams as everyone dashed to cling to the walls.
"Come, darling!" commanded Chubs, seizing Isadora's hand and leaping off of the dais with her.
The other three weren't as lucky, for the hail of debris crushed the platform, killing Ernest, Nero, and Remora, before they could bring their bodies to respond to the danger.
"What the hell's going on here?" roared Sir, nearly swallowing his pipe.
"I'm frightened!" wailed Charles clutching the nearest object for support: Esme's cleavage.
"Get your hands off of me!" snarled Esme, slapping his hand.
From the hole in the ceiling where the clock once was, came an inhuman roar, "TREACHERY!"
"That was Olaf's voice!" cried Fernald.
"Stay back!" cautioned Duncan, leaping against the wall.
Olaf's voice continued to echo throughout the room, "YOU INSOLENT LITTLE GIRL! TO THINK THAT YOU COULD SABOTAGE MY PLANS?"
There was a woman's scream and the sound of someone being struck.
"Violet's up there!" cried Duncan and Chubs as once.
"Stay here!" Duncan told Chubs, "Protect Isadora, I'll save Violet!"
"Be careful, old boy." said Chubs sagely, Isadora gave her brother a quick hug and Duncan dashed to the elevator.
"Wait a moment!" Sir called out to him, "I'm going too! That Phantom of the Hotel must know where the Chamber Pot is!"
"Of course!" realized Esme, "Why else would Olaf be hiding from us!" With a vicous cackle, she too dashed to the elevator.
"We need to save Olaf from his whore!" rallied Reggie, the other four henchfolk gave a "HUZZAH!" and they too crowded into the Elevator.
"Wait a second!" said Enya, before the doors closed, "If he's in the clock then we have to take the stairs!"
Now the crowd of eight people hurried into the stairwell and out of sight, leaving behind just Chubs, Isadora, Carmelita and Charles.
"I hope to God, they'll be alright." muttered Isadora.
Chubs could've sworn he heard Carmelita mutter, "Duncky." to herself, forlornly.
Back in the clock, Olaf was in pure rage. He encroached on Violet, who was backing away towards the trapdoor.
"You are mine!" snarled the disgusting villain.
"Wrong!" came a voice, and the trapdoor opened, admitting Duncan, followed by Sir, Esme and the five hench-morons.
"Duncan!" said Violet and they embraced, sharing a tender kiss.
"We're here to save you, boss!" said Fernald proudly. "I DON'T NEED SAVING, YOU FILTHY MONSTER!"
"Okay." Fernald trailed off faintly.
"Olaf, I never thought you would stoop so low!" hissed Esme, "Now, where is the Chamber Pot?"
"Quite so," growled Sir, "where is it?"
"I don't have it!" said Olaf, exasperated, "I'm looking for it!"
"LOOK FOR IT YOU MAY, BUT FIND IT, YOU WILL NOT!"came a deep and menacing voice.
There was a little cat walk above the, now destroyed, machinery and out of a door alongside it emerged a man in black cloak and hat, with a mask exactly identical to that which Olaf was wearing. It was the real Phantom of the Hotel: Dewey Plot Twist, the last of the Plot Twist Brothers.
"IT IS I, THE REAL PHANTOM OF THE..."
"We get it!" roared Olaf, then, after regaining his compusure, "Dewey. We know it's you. Where the bloody hell is the Chamber Pot?"
"Yes, where is it?" asked Sir, annoyed. Replied Dewey, "That is for me to know and you lot to never find out! You have all been most persistent in your efforts to discover the secrets of the universe but I am sad to inform you that this clock, or what's left of it, will be your tomb!"
From his cloak, he withdrew the harpoon gun. There were three projectiles left. Well, there were two in about five seconds for the third one was used to slice down the huge brass bells that acted as the clock's chimes to block the trapdoor.
"Now the only way out of here," Dewey said, quite madly, "is through there." he gestured to the vacant space where the clock face had once been, "Though I'm sad to say, that leaving through there means instant death."
"Why are you doing this, you madman?" asked Mr. Poe, holding Martha, who was trembling with undue fear.
"Why, my dear fatass, I'm doing it because I can!"
And with that he pulled the trigger of the gun once more and the second harpoon came to rest through the body of Mr. Poe's dear Martha.
"NO!" sobbed Mr. Poe, sinking to his knees.
THE CURTAIN FALLS, AND THE CHAPTER'S FINALLY OVER
A/N: That chapter took forever, didn't it? We had two songs, four deaths and a makeout scene! Now, you must be wondering what will become of the people trapped in the clock as well as the small group of people gathered in the lobby.
Does Carmelita still love Duncan?
Are Violet and Duncan finally an official unit?
Will Mr. Poe get over Martha's death?
Is Sunny serious about joining Olaf?
How far will Esme go to get what she wants?
Will the Henchfolk ever be important?
How crazy is Dewey?
WHERE THE HELL IS THE CHAMBER POT?
Any one of those questions will suffice, and most of them will be answered next chapter!
Update Coming Now, no Seriously, it Should Already be Up!:)