Chapter 12, Defying Gravity and Sinking Beneath the Waves
Disclaimer: After all these weeks away, I would've thought this quarrel would have been forgotten. But no, we still own nothing.
A/N: Let's begin with some long overdue apologies, shall we? Dreadfully sorry that we left you all hanging for so long! There were mid-terms, and after that I had a lot of rehersing for the school reproduction of Hamlet, in which I played none other than Rosencrantz. But now we're here for the penultimate chapter of what was originally the penultimate book! Also, Chapter 13 will be updated immediately after this one comes up, so you won't have to wait to finish Book 3! We'd like to thank our ever faithful fan: Gypsy Rosalie for reviewing as always. Oh! One more thing. This chapter gets kinda serious. It's still funny, but I'm trying to go for a little more drama. If it seems too corny, please notify me, I will not be offended. Rather, I'd be glad someone pointed out the flaw.
Let us fly!
Plummeting. Plummeting into the swallowing darkness. That is what the group felt as they one-by-one went down the chute and into the deserted cavern.
The first to arrive of course, was Olaf, who was holding Sunny.
"Qygilok!" she gasped, pointing at Dewey's Viking longship which was moored in the lagoon. The teeny little dinghy that had been moored next to it was gone, meaning that Dewey had left with the Chamber Pot as he had said her would do. 'Qygilok', by the way, means, 'A boat! We can escape, darling!'
"Indeed, we can!" roared Olaf triumphantly as the his five lackys, plus his new slave, Mr. Poe, slid into the cavern.
"You! Idiots!" he commanded them, "Board the boat and make it ready for our escape!"
"Yes, Master!" they bowed to him as they dashed up the gangplank. A 'gangplank' for those of you who have never ridden a boat, is a wooden ramp that the passengers use to get on the ship before it sails. Why the word 'gang' is in it is a mystery that will never be solved.
"Excellant!" sighed Olaf, peeling of his ridiculous Phantom mask, "No need for this old thing anymore!" he said, tossing it into the lagoon.
Now, the children, Sir and Charles entered, as well as Esme and Carmelita.
"Olaf!" Esme called up to him as he raised the gangplank, "Let Carmelita and I on board!"
The devious man looked down to her, "If you wish to escape with us, say: 'Count Olaf is a mighty King, and his eyes see through!'"
"See through what?" wondered Esme, sarcastically.
"It's a chant, just say it!"
"No! We'll find our own way out!"
Suddenly, there was a rumble and dust rained down from the cavern ceiling.
"What the duece is going on?" asked Chubs, looking at his sister. Violet replied, "The fire in the hotel must be weaking the foundations. If we don't get out of here fast, we'll be crushed under the rubble!"
"But Olaf won't let us on the boat!" groaned Isadora.
"There must be something we can do!" Duncan said, frusterated.
Esme, meanwhile, was improvising: she had pushed the tea set from the table and was ripping the table cloth to shreds, along with a good lot of other fabric-such that she was collecting from around the cavern.
"What are you doing, Esme?" Carmelita asked her. The crazy biznitch replied, "We're going water-skiing, darling!"
Carmelita frowned, "But I'm not dressed for water-skiing!"
The cavern shook again and this time, not just dust, but small pieces of rock, preferably known as pebbles, clattered to the floor. The hotel was collapsing in earnest.
Esme now held in her hands a long cord composed of the fabric that she had collected; she climbed onto the table.
Violet, who had been watching Esme intently, gasped, "She's gonna drag herself behind Olaf's boat!" she whispered to the others.
"Hmm. perhaps she's not as insane as we thought." mused Chubs.
Esme looked a the four children and said to them, "Are you coming?"
Isadora stared, "You're asking us to come?"
"Yes, I am. Carmelita and I aren't enough weight. If there's too little weight..."
"The table will be dashed to pieced against the cavern walls." finished Violet. Duncan looked at her. "What can I say? I'm a scientist!"
The children wasted no time at all climbing onto the table with Esme and Carmelita.
On the longship, Olaf was standing at the captain's wheel, while Sunny sat behind him in the captain's chair. The henchfolk were sitting on the long bench in the back. Reggie, Fernald and Mr. Poe held the giant left oar and Flo, Tocuna and Enya held the giant right oar. None of them had noticed that Esme had securely latched the fabric cord around the back of the boat.
"Damn!" Esme expleted, "It's not long enough. We'll be pulled into the sea in no time!"
Esme thought for a moment and ripped off the majority of her satin skirt so that only a little remained to keep my 'T' rating. She tied the torn skirt to the cord and secured it.
"Ready." she cackled under her breath.
"SAIL, HO!" roared Olaf. God knows what 'Sail, ho!' means.
Apparently, though, 'Sail, ho!' means 'Sail away!' for that is just what happened. The henchfolk began to turn the oars and pulled the clutch as the longship set out across the lagoon, dragging the table behind it.
Indeed, riding the table was like waterskiing, only more dangerous, more wet, and incredibly uncomfortable.
Esme stood in center, grabbing the cord with both hands and cackiling like, like-let's see, what cackles? Ah! She was cackiling like the Wicked Witch of the West!
Carmelita and the Baudes and the Quags were sitting on the table around her, clinging for dear life.
The crazy sailing birgade vanished into the tunnel as the cavern shook a third time.
You may be wondering, 'Where the hell are Sir and Charles?'
Well, they were standing in the background during the chaos and are know arguing furiously with each other.
"I'm leaving, Charles! If you insist, you can stay here!" said Sir, furiously.
"But, Sir. It's too dangerous!" Charles tried to persuade him, "You can't just fly away on a broomstick!"
That had been Sir's plan: to cast a levitation spell that Shakes had taught him on a broomstick he had found and fly across the lagoon in that manner.
"Watch me!" Sir hissed as the music began and our final number began:
DEFYING GRAVITY {from 'Wicked'}
Sir: Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game!
Too late for second guessing!
Too late to go back to sleep!
It's time to trust my instinct; close my eyes and LEAP!
It's time to try defying gravity!
I think I'll try defying gravity!
And you can't pull me down!
Charles: Can't I make you understand? You're having delusions of grandeur!
Sir: I'm through accepting limits! 'Cause someone says they're so!
Some things, I cannot change, BUT TILL I TRY, I'LL NEVER KNOW!
Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost!
Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy defying gravity!
Kiss me goodbye!
I'm defying gravity!
And you can't pull me down!
{speaking}
Charles, come with me.
Think of what we could do together.
{singing}
Unlimited. Together, we're unlimited!
Together we'll be the greatest team there's ever been!
Charles, dreams the way we planned them.
Charles: If we work in tandem!
Sir and Charles: There's no fight we cannot win!
JUST YOU AND I DEFYING GRAVITY!
WITH YOU AND I DEFYING GRAVITY!
Sir: They'll never bring us down!
{speaking}
Well, are you coming?
Charles: {singing} I hope you're happy, now that you're choosing this.
Sir: {speaking} You to.
{singing}
I hope it brings you bliss.
Sir and Charles: {harmony} I really hope you get it and you don't live to regret it!
I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY IN THE END!
I hope you're happy, my friend.
{Sir mounts the broomstick and levitates into the air, leaving Charles gaping, open-mouthed}
Sir: {wildly spirited} SO IF YOU CARE TO FIND ME, LOOK TO THE WESTERN SKY!
AS I TOLD MYSELF RECENTLY, EVERYONE DESERVES A CHANCE TO FLY!
AND IF I'M FLYING SOLO, AT LEAST I'M FLYING FREE!
TO THOSE WHO GROUND ME, TAKE A MESSAGE BACK FROM ME!
TELL THEM HOW I'M DEFYING GRAVITY!
I'M FLYING HIGH, DEFYING GRAVITY!
AND SOON I'LL MATCH THEM IN RENOWN!
And nobody, in all of Snicket Land, no Shakespeare that there is or was, is ever gonna bring ME DOWN!
Charles: I Hope You're Happy!
{the ghosts of all the dead characters, Frank, Ernest, Nero, Remora, Bass and Martha fly into the cavern as the ceiling begins collapsing in huge chunks of rock}
Ghosts: LOOK AT HIM, HE'S WICKED! GET HIM!
Sir: BRING ME DOWN!
Ghosts: NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED! SO WE'VE GOT TO BRING HIM-
Charles and Sir: {harmony}AHHHHHHH!
Ghosts: DOWN!
{Sir flies into the tunnel, the cavern collapses around Charles, leaving him to his fate}
THE CURTAN FALLS
In the tunnel, Olaf's longship was taking a pretty rough beating. The tunnel twisted and turned in various confounding directions and, though Mr. Poe and the henchfolk rowed quite dilegentally, there were times when the boat nearly capsized. Sunny clung to the arms of the captain's chair, her cheeks flapping back and fourth. Olaf was flailing at the captain's wheel, his Phantom cloak billowing behind him and his Phantom hat blowing off of his head and flying back, over Sunny, over the swaying rowers, and over the stowaways water-skiing on the table.
The hat was caught by Sir, who suddenly zoomed above them on his broomstick.
He plopped the hat onto his smoke-enshrouded head and called down to Olaf, "Hey! Crazy gentleman with the unibrow!"
Olaf looked up, "Yes, flying pot-head?"
"Your ex-girlfriend and a bunch of children are riding a table that's tied to your boat! Oh, and by the way:" he started singing, 'I'M DEFYING GRAVITY! TELL THEM HOW I'M DEFYING GRAVITY!'"
He vanished down the tunnel, away from them, as he sang, 'THEY'RE NEVER GONNA BRING ME DOWN!'
Olaf looked at the rear of his boat and saw that there was indeed, a cord of fabric fastened to it.
"Sunny!" he said to his baby-lover, "Go to the rear of the boat and bite through that cord!"
"Aye, aye, Sir!" saluted Sunny, jumping out of her chair and scrambling to the back of the boat.
"Sunny! Don't!" called Mr. Poe from his bench, "They're your family!"
"Screw family!" said Sunny firmly.
She looked over the edge of the boat and saw Esme and the children on the table.
"If you touch that cord, brat, I will carve your eyes out with my perfectly manicured nails!" threatened Esme.
"Please, Sunny." begged Violet, "Don't do this."
"Shut up, slut!" yelled Sunny, and with that, she bit through the cord, leaving the table to fend for itself in the water.
The table capsized immediately in the tossing waters and the longship dissapeared behind a corner.
The children surfaced one by one, clinging to the sides of the upside-down table for support.
"Esme?" called Carmelita, worridly, "Esme?"
"Shut up!" came a voice and Esme's head popped out of the water, "Now my brilliant coife is ruined!" she scrambled onto the table's underside, helping Carmelita on behind her.
"Goodbye, Baudelaires." Esme nodded to them, "And goodbye, Quagmires."
"What?" shreiked all five of the children."B-but Duncan!" moaned Carmelita."Oh, shut up, he already has a girl!" Esme told her, breaking off two legs of the table at opposite corners, so as to keep them afloat. She handed one leg to Carmelita and held the other, "Row." she commanded her.
And so, the two crazy, clingy floozies, floated off around that corner that things tended to dissapear around.
Violet looked at Duncan, "Darling?" she began.
"Yes, dearest?"
"Is there still something going on between you and-her?"
"No! No! Of course, not! She-she seems to think so, though."
"Well, never mind that!" cut in Chubs, "We have to find a way to get out of here before the current dashes us against the rocks!"
"Chubs is right." agreed Isadora, "We can't stay afloat for long!"
"I suggest we use the swimming teqnique that I mastered many summers ago." remarked Duncan, "Excellant! What is this teqnique?" asked Chubs.
"The FLIPPERDOO!" exclaimed Duncan, and he began flapping his way down the tunnel. The others promptly followed him.
Sir arrived at the end of the tunnel first, having flown on broomstick.
He noticed that the tunnel ended with a waterfall that flowed down into a pool. That waterfall might well take care of those idiots in the boat. But that was all the better for him!
He alighted at the landing across the pool from the waterfall and found that the ladder leading to the outside world was blocked by a giant colander, sealed with a yodeling zipper. Sir didn't know it, but this was the Zipper-Operated Yodeling Kolander that Dewey had told Violet about. Speaking of Dewey, his teeny little dinghy was beached on the landing as well, "Ah, so that Phantom fellow's already hopped it." remarked Sir to himself, "I'd better crack the code."
The code seemed to involve seven bottles and a scrap of notepaper that seemed to be from Dewey himself.
The note read:
'DEAR WHOEVER THE HELL YOU ARE,
DOUBTLESS, YOU WISH TO LEAVE THESE TUNNELS AND RETURN TO THE SUNLIT LANDS.
TO DO THAT YOU NEED TO EITHER HAVE THE KEY, AS I DO, OR SOLVE THE PUZZLE OF THESE BOTTLES THAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU.
FOUR OF THESE BOTTLES ARE DEADLY POISON, TWO OF THEM ARE CHEAP WINE I STOLE FROM THE LIQUOR STORE. ONLY ONE BOTTLE CONTAINS THE FORMULA NEEDED TO SILENCE THE YODELING ZIPPER AND ALLOW YOU TO PASS.
CHOOSE WISELY.
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,
DEWEY PLOT TWIST'
"What a peculier puzzle." mused Sir, "I'd better figure this out quickly before any of those other fools make it over here."
A heavy bank of fog had descended on the longship, making visibility quite scarce.
"Boss," began Fernald, "do you hear that rushing sound?"
Olaf turned to his lacky, "It's probably nothing."
"If there's nothing out there," quipped Enya, "then what was that noise?"
"Your face!" answered Olaf rudely.
"It's getting louder!" whimpered Flo, "And louder!" continued Tocuna, "It's..." started Reggie.
"It's..." tried Sunny.
"IT'S A GODDAMN WATERFALL!" screamed Mr. Poe. The others screamed with him as the fog cleared and the dreadful falls were revealed to them.
The longship tipped down and submerged in the pool.
But, since the ship was large, it surfaced at once with Olaf and company clinging to the sides of the boat, soaking wet.
Sir had been studying the bottles in the puzzle intently and had deduced which two bottles contained the cheap wine. He was currently chugging down the first of the wine bottles and was tipsier then the Biddy-Biddy Rich Man of Minolou Springs.
Olaf, Sunny, Mr. Poe and the other five fools scrambled onto the landing with him.
"What the hell are you doing, midgit?" Olaf asked. Sir replied in a slurred, drunken voice, "I have found the exit, you damned codswolloping ass! Leave me be! I'm sampling the wine!"
Olaf noticed the second, unopened bottle of wine. "Excellant!" he smiled, he opened the bottle and began his own drunkard fest.
"Bibblebop!" sighed Sunny, which meant, "Oh, darling Olaf and his drinking!"
We'll leave them to their idiocy for a few minutes.
Esme stood astride her table raft, paddling with the leg. Carmelita had practically passed out from exaustion and despair at losing Duncan.
The wicked fog bank once again closed around the travelers.
"I can't see! I CAN'T SEE!" screeched Carmelita, "I'VE GONE BLIND! OH, LORD HAVE MERCY!"
"You're not blind." sighed Esme, "It's fog, and judging by the ever growing sound of rushing water, we're approaching a falls."
"You mean a waterfall?" Carmelita asked, in a voice hushed with horror.
"Quite." replied Esme drily.
Carmelita turned back down the Tunnel and called, "DUNCAN! THERE'S A WATERFALL! BE CAREFUL, SWEETIE! I LOVE YOU!" She was probably going to say more, but she went down the Falls with Esme.
It isn't often wise to listen to wild voices that come to you in the pitch darkness, but the Baudes, minus one, and the Quags couldn't help hearing the sharp, ear-shattering voice of Carmelita Spats echoing down the Tunnel to them: "DUNCAN! THERE'S A WATERFALL! BE CAREFUL, SWEETIE! I LOVE YOU!"
"That whore does like you!" realized Violet.
"WILL YOU STOP WITH YOUR LOVER'S QUARREL AND FOCUS?" yelled Chubs, "There's a waterfall! What are we going to do?"
"I don't know." shrugged Duncan, "You're the researcher, old boy!"
"JUST SOMEONE THINK OF SOMETHING!" said Isadora, her nerves nearly breaking. They could've stopped swimming, but by now the current was so strong that it dragged them along anyway.
"I've an idea!" beamed Chubs after thinking for a few seconds, "We go down the falls!"
They stared at him.
"What? The current is incredibly powerful by now. If we resist it, which is the only thing we can do, considering the circumstances, we will be dashed to pieces-"
"Against the rocks, you told us this before!" said Violet, exasperated.
But there was no more time for discusion. The fog came, the fog cleared and the children fell, screaming into the pool.
They, like everyone else who had taken a trip down the falls, surfaced after a few seconds under the water and mounted the landing where Olaf, Esme, Sunny, Carmelita, Sir, Flo, Tocuna, Fernald, Reggie, Enya and Mr. Poe were gathered. Olaf and Sir had finished both bottles of wine and were slapping each other drunkenly, the others were chattering with each other and trying to solve the riddle.
When they saw the children, Flo sighed, "Thank God! The smart kids are here, they'll solve the riddle for us!"
"What riddle?" asked Chubs. Reggie glumy gestured to the bottles, of which only five of remained. He said, "Four of 'em are poison and only one of 'em opens that thing." he stared at the Zipper-Operated Yodeling Kolander.
"This must be that lock that Dewey talked about." mused Violet, "The odds are pretty crappy. Four bottles of poison and only one door-opening potion, thing."
"The easiest thing to do," suggested Duncan, "will be for each of us to take a bottle and drink."
Everyone stared at him, "Are you insane?" gasped Isadora, "We may all drink poison!"
"We've come this far, why not die together? And if one of us opens the door, that person might be able to get on with their life. None of these idiots are willing." he pointed to the others.
The four children looked at each other. Sunny had betrayed them, Carmelita was being manipulated by Esme and Mr. Poe was Olaf's lifeless puppet. Everyone that had once been their ally was useless and all the others had never been their friends to begin with.
"CHOOSE SOMETHING, NOW!" roared Sir, finaly coming to his senses and reaching into his pocket, withdrawing Dewey's harpoon gun.
"Where the blazes did you get that?" wondered Olaf, who sobered up on seeing the deadly weapon. "I found it in the cavern before I flew off. It was hidden underneath a pile of pantyhose." said Sir menancingly, aiming the harpoon gun in one hand and waving his broomstick around in the other.
"If you don't decide something fast, the baby gets it!" threatened Sir, training the gun on Sunny.
Violet looked at Duncan and Duncan looked at Chubs and Chubs looked at Isadora and Isadora looked at Duncan and et cetera, et cetera
They were going to try to save Sunny, though she had betrayed them.
They each bent down and picked up a bottle so that only one remained on the ground. Chubs and Violet gave an embrace, Duncan hugged his sister and gave Violet a tender kiss.
"I love you." he said to her, clutching her free hand.
"I love you, too." Violet had tears in her eyes.
Chubs took Isadora's shoulders, "I want you to know, darling. That no matter where we go, you will be in my arms. I will never forget the day we met. And that day-" he paused to reminence about certain bedroom rituals.
Isadora smiled, "I'll never forget that day either." she addressed Violet and Duncan as well, "We'll all be friends. So much crap has happened. So many-" she stopped, trying to think of an analogy.
"So many queer events?" posed Violet, "A Series of Queer Events."
"Title drop!" Olaf pointed out.
They stood in a circle, uncorked their bottles and downed them.
There was a moment of silence as the bitter fluid reached each child's palete.
"We're alright!" sighed Violet, they all shared a laugh.
But the door would not open and presentally a shudder went through each of their bodies.
"Ugh!" Isadora collapsed to the floor.
"The poison!" wheezed Chubs, "It is poisonous!"
"Sunny!" groaned Violet as her vision became blurry, "Drink the last bottle!"
Sunny looked at her siblings and friends as she realized in horror what she had caused. She crawled over to Violet and enclosed her in a hug, "Sister." she said, which isn't very redeeming seeing as she openly insulted Violet less than a few minutes ago.
Violet kissed her sister's forehead, "Save yourself. We're dying."
One odd thing about Sunny was that she never cried. At least, not that anyone had seen. But now, Sunny had tears welling in her eyes, "Goodbye Vi. Goodbye Kla."
"Call me Chubs!" moaned Chubs, clutching his chest and giving his baby sister a small smile, "Goodbye, Dunc. Goodbye, Izzy."
"Where did our nicknames come from?" Isadora pondered, trying to be brave in the face of her end.
Sunny picked up the last bottle and drank. The taste was bitter, but the yodeling ceased and the zipper, un-zippered.
"Come, love." said Olaf, picking her up, "Adieu." he saluted the four children, "And thank you."
The henchfolk followed, Mr. Poe crying silently into his mucus-ridden handercheif.
"Come on, Carmelita." said Esme coldly, "They've served their purpose."
Carmelita looked at Duncan, her shoulders shuddering, and said, "I'll always be with you. You may not want me and I think I can come to terms with that. Just know, that I was an idiot for ever letting you go. Goodbye, Duncan."
They left next, Sir stared at the children, "So long. I'm sorry. I wasn't going to hurt her. I'm sorry that I tried to harm you. I've lived long enough to know that alliegence with the 'good' or 'bad' gets one nowhere. Listen to each other, because you're it! You are everything for each other. I feel so stupid! I abbandoned the one friend I ever had in that cavern and now I have no one to tell me what's right. You see, sometimes one gives into their emotions all the way and they snap. I snapped. I was stupid. Be family, Baudelaires and Quagmires. Live in the spirit of your parents passed-and, in your case, Quagmires, your parents still living. You parents are living somewhere safe. They are in the land of the serpent: deep and dark and dangerous. If I ever meet them, I'll apologize to them as well. Don't ask me how I know all this. It will all be revealed in time."
He left.
Isadora turned to her brother, her chest rising and falling in pain, "Our parents are okay!" she struggled, Duncan clapsed her hand, "Let's get the hell out of here!"
He wavered to his feet and took his sister's hand, she took Chubs' and Chubs took Violet's.
In this fashion, they passed through the zipper and up the ladder.
"Ugh!" Moaned Violet as they emerged in the evening air of-wherever they were.
They grew pale and silent and fell to the the ground.
A/N: Here we are, folks! The kids are dying and this is where we will leave them for Book 4!
But we still have one more Chapter to go! No songfics this time. Now's the time for a curtain call! The entire story you've been reading has been one huge musical so for our last chapter we'll have the characters come out and take a bow with some parting words!
A reminder that the lyrics for all songs can be found on our profile.
Update coming right now!:)