CHAPTER THREE: In Which We Get Rid of Those Damned Dursleys For the Last Time

UNCLE VERNON: BOY! I only have one more chance to act like a stereotypical Brit-lit abusive parental figure, and I AM going to make the most of it!

HARRY: Thank God, interaction with other characters. *trots down the stairs*

UNCLE VERNON: I can't trust you. I can't trust anything anyone is saying.

HARRY: You're so predictable that my irritation is borderline affectionate, damn it all.

UNCLE VERNON: This is all an elaborate plot to take my prime real estate from me!

MAD-EYE MOODY: *voice-over* Maybe we should have this chap on staff as a consultant.

HARRY: NO.

READERSHIP: OMG WE MISSED THE PART WHERE KINGSLEY AND MR. WEASLEY CAME TO PRIVET DRIVE?

UNCLE VERNON: It was boring, nothing to see there, move along!

UNCLE VERNON: Now, if we're GOING to trust you filthy wizards, can't we trust the the filthy-wizard-government?

HARRY: Infiltrated, pal.

UNCLE VERNON: Or at least have that hardcore cop protect us?

HARRY: Kingsley's really got better things to do. Don't worry, he's has some nice middle-aged white bourgeoisie friends who have volunteered to "protect" you.

HARRY: (... I love the Order.)

UNCLE VERNON: *still freaking out, though you've got to admit he has some reason*

HARRY: Allow me to seize this as an excuse for a Wizarding War Update. Readers: more crashes, more explosions, more "natural" disasters, lots of Muggles dying. You know. All very vaguely bad. Just enough to remind you that my enemy is Evil.

FRED, GEORGE, AND LEE: *voice-over* Harry, you suck at this "war news" thing.

HARRY: *grumbles* I'd like to see you do better. Now shut up, I've also got to sneak in an expository explanation of "Inferi."

UNCLE VERNON: *actually amuses Harry*

HARRY: *actually drops a logic bomb that makes Uncle Vernon shut up for half a minute*

HARRY AND UNCLE VERNON: *find themselves thinking the same thing, and know it*

DUDLEY: We're coming way to close to warmth and fuzziness in here. I'd better say something that will surprise them both into ending the argument.

Dedalus appears to be in the backseat. Honestly, can't Rowling give this man any dignity whatsoever?

Of course, it could be worse for him. He could be Rubeus Hagrid...

Speaking of whom! It was about time Hagrid got some decent camera time. Stay tuned.

DEDALUS: We're the nice middle-aged white bourgeoisie wizards, here for your protection!

HESTIA: He forgot "morally indignant."

UNCLE VERNON: Ohmigod nice white middle-aged bourgeoisie morally indignant and can't even drive we're doomed.

HESTIA: Oh yes, Harry… ominous change of plan, has nothing to do with Snape superspying. Stay tuned next chapter.

HARRY: Yeah, I can see that this one is doomed to be mildly boring as well.

IMMINENT DEPARTURE FROM THE DURSLEYS: *leaves Harry with one burning question*

THE BURNING QUESTION: What did you say to one another at the end of sixteen years' solid dislike?

READERSHIP: How 'bout this for size? "Good-bye."

ROWLING: I can do better than that.

READERSHIP: You better. You're a lot richer than us.

ROWLING: Okay. How about -

DUDLEY: "I don't think you're a waste of space."

ADORING READERSHIP: Brilliant!

AUNT PETUNIA: "Good-bye."

ADORING READERSHIP: *raises eyebrow*

ROWLING: It was a good backup plan.

This is a short chapter, but the next two are quite long, since, you know, there's actual action going down.