A/N: shyfoxling - thanks for the catch! You're better than Rowling's American editors! Possum - yep, Mad-Eye's quote about Voldemort splitting himself into seven is really in the book. The clever bit, as I recall, was simply that Harry and Hermione exchanged a glance, and then quickly looked away.

Chapter Five: In Which There Is Very Little Action, But Somehow Rowling Is At Top Form Anyway

HARRY: *passes out*

HARRY: *revives*

HARRY: Dammit, I'm a frickin' fainting pansy.

SCARY MOMENT WHEN IT IS UNKNOWN WHETHER OR NOT HAGRID IS DEAD: *does not last terribly long*

SCARY MOMENT WHEN WE DO NOT KNOW ABOUT ANYONE ELSE: *lasts much longer*

NARRATIVE: Something hot and wet was trickling down Harry's chin and from his forehead.

READERS: Well, that couldn't be blood, now could it?

NARRATIVE: No, coz that would be redun… *checks notes* Oh. Well, maybe it is.

UNIDENTIFIED (TO HARRY, THE READERS ARE QUICKER ON THE UPTAKE) MAN: Hagrid's okay. And we're regrown your tooth.

HARRY: That was a hell of a lot less painful than regrowing bones.

HARRY: So who are you, exactly?

TED: Dora's father.

HARRY: Who-the-what?

TED: I am a sort-of new character!

HARRY: Cool. Do you have fixed epithets, too?

TED: You bet. My favorite is "fair-haired." My least favorite is "big-bellied." I'm not sure how I feel about my "mellow" voice.

ANDROMEDA: I do. Do you know how few mellow voices I heard growing up?

TED: So that's how I pulled y... I mean, it, off.

HAGRID: Harry! Blimey. Tha' was exciting. Can' believe after all that toughening up tha' I worked so hard to give yeh over the years… we almost died on a harmless little flying motorbike.

HARRY: Yeah, Beaky was so more hardcore.

HAGRID: I KNOW, righ'?

BELLATRIX: *enters Harry's sickroom*

BELLATRIX: Just kidding, I'm Andromeda.

HARRY: *has already gotten Mrs. Tonks at wandpoint*

HARRY: Ah. You're the other sister. Hmm. Reckon I should lower my wand now.

MRS. TONKS: Ah yes, it's awkward, isn't it, presumptuous child?

HARRY: Lady, I'm Harry Potter. This doesn't even make my personal Top 10 Most Awkward.

MOANING MYRTLE: *waves flirtatiously in the corner*

MR AND MRS TONKS: Is our daughter alive?

HARRY: I don't know. Oh my God, I don't know! Oh no, if anyone else has died, it's completely my fault! Despite the fact that I warned them and I totally told them not to do this. COMPLETELY MY FAULT.

TED: All right, simmer down, son. We'll get a hold of ourselves if you will.

HAGRID: Wait, where's Hedwig?

HARRY: She... she got hit.

HAGRID: Aw, Harry. It's all right. She had a grea' old life - I bet she particularly enjoyed that time you lef' her behind at the Dursleys during the thir' movie.

HARRY AND HAGRID: *arrive at the Burrow via the magical transporter things*

THE REAL FUN AND DRAMA: *begins*

HARRY AND MRS. WEASLEY: *are truly adorable, I never can make fun of these motherly hugs*

HAGRID: Haven't go' any brandy, have yeh, Molly? For medicinal purposes?

HAGRID'S FANSHIP: *doubles or triples with this single line*

GINNY: Not a bad idea, inasmuch as we're missing my dad, two of my brothers, my surrogate big sister—though at least I still have my schnuggly Harrybear.

MRS. WEASLEY: I don't see how this could get any worse…

GEORGE AND LUPIN: Hello here we are covered in blood.

EVERYONE: Oh no I smell non-identical twin injuries.

LUPIN: Well, I got George here in… well, less than three pieces… now time to leave this mess and manhandle people.

HAGRID: Le' go of Harry! Calm down! Stop actin' like a maniac!

LUPIN: *is evidently not as impressed as readership by Hagrid's medicinal purposes line, because he keeps ignoring him in a rather churlish manner until he finally responds to him in a truly churlish manner*

HARRY: Sheesh, what's all this uncharacteristic violence for?

LUPIN: Our plans were betrayed.

WHAT HARRY SHOULD HAVE SAID: You think?

WHAT HARRY ACTUALLY SAID: Ohmigod, no! There's no precedent for Orderly betrayal! My innocent heroic heart refuses to believe it.

LUPIN: Oh my God. How did they recognize you as the real Harry?

HARRY: Because I did something stupid and noble?

LUPIN: Ah. That'll do it.

LUPIN: Seriously, Harry. Next time just take the bastard out. We fight to the death. This is war.

HARRY: Whoa. While the fans all clamored for book seven to be darker, I don't think they expected the good anti-heroic times to start with you. Who died and made you Mad-Eye?

READERS: Yes, Miz Parody Lady, jolly good dramatic irony there, well done…

MIZ PARODY LADY: … Wait, are you humoring me?

HARRY: So you think I should have killed Stan Shunpike?

LUPIN: No, I just think you should have let me kill Wormtail four years ago... or, you know, barring that, Stunned Shunpike.

HARRY: Which part of Stunning him would have been the same as killing him do you not get?

LUPIN: The Death Eaters - frankly, most people! - in other words, I - would have expected you to counterattack rather than almost get yourself killed.

HARRY: This is very uncomfortable. Can't we go back to the warm-and-fuzzy grindylow days?

HAGRID: *after struggling to get through the doorway for the past three pages, finally gets in*

HARRY: *despite his annoyance with Lupin, evidently decides to take his lead in utterly ignoring Hagrid, except to later jump over his prone body to investigate a noise*

THE NOISE: *turns out to indicate Hermione's alive. This is important, because where would this multi-million-dollar franchise be without her?*

RON: *muttering* I would have all my lines in the movies, for one thing…

KINGSLEY: Time for more Order paranoia! You're a likely-looking Polyjuice impostor, Remus - tell me, what are the last words Albus Dumbledore spoke to the pair of us?

LUPIN: Harry is the best hope we have. Trust him.

KINGSLEY: Oh, okay. Not to make you feel uncomfortable or pressured there, Harry.

HARRY: No, I just wish you'd all listen to that particular bit of advice.

LUPIN: What happened to you?

KINGSLEY: Followed by five, not counting You-Know-Who himself, injured two, might've killed one - because I am just that awesome. You?

LUPIN: Snape cursed George's ear off, because I am just that lame.

HARRY: SNAPE? WHY DIDN'T YOU MENTION THAT IT WAS SNAPE, THAT BASTARD WHO IS THE SOLE OBJECT OF MY ETERNAL IRE?

HERMIONE: *sighs exasperatedly and puts hand over ears*

HERMIONE: Wait, isn't Stan supposed to be in Azkaban?

KINGSLEY: Another break-out. Yeah, I've lost count too. Azkaban is not what it used to be at the beginning of this series.

HAGRID: Harry, help ge' me outta this doorway.

HARRY: *apparently has superhuman strength, because he manages this*

NARRATIVE: Oh, yeah, maybe it's time to check on that injured Weasley twin again.

IMPATIENT READERS: Ya think?

MOLLYWOBBLES: How do you feel, Georgie?

MR. WEASLEY: I'm am in concerned father mode right now, Shacklebolt, so you—and your deadly Auror training—and all this Order paranoia—kindly BACK OFF!

FRED: *sees now-identical twin. is speechless*

GEORGE: Time to lighten the mood, I reckon.

FRED: *revives* What, they managed to curse you so that now you have an even suckier sense of humor?

FANDOM: Awwww. It's heartwarming.

GINNY: Ron and Tonks should be back by now. They didn't have a long journey; Auntie Muriel's is a hell of a lot closer than any of us would like.

NARRATIVE: Tonks apparently has a very sketchy broom-landing technique, but I don't suppose anyone's surprised.

VARIOUS SUSPENSE-RIDDEN LOVED ONES: SHUT UP AND LET US EMBRACE, NARRATIVE.

NARRATIVE: Sorry, but I've got to move on.

TONKS: Ron was great. Totally p'wned a Death Eater. Almost like one day he could pull off being an Auror.

HERMIONE: You did?

RON: Always the tone of surprise.

R/H FANSHIP: *has new signature line*

SUSPENSE: *is still present, as we're missing four people*

KINGSLEY: Well, this is boring. I'm heading back to work.

READERSHIP: Cold, man. Stone cold.

KINGSLEY: What? C'mon, you know Bill and Fleur are out somewhere making sickeningly sweet love anyhow, we don't care about the appropriately-named Dung, and, let's face it, Mad-Eye can take care of himself—

BILL: Hi all. So, Mad-Eye's dead.

KINGSLEY AND READERSHIP: … Well we were not expecting that.

BILL: We saw it, but we couldn't do anything to save him…

HARRY: He was so brave, so tough, the consummate survivor…

FRED AND GEORGE: Damn, laughing at a totally inappropriate moment. Awk-ward.

TONKS: He was my mentor…

SNIFFLING READERSHIP: Wait… *sniffle* … what now?

ROWLING: Well, I was, erm, pressed for space back in Book 5, yes, that's it! It's not like I had room to fit in that detail then!

BILL: All right everyone. I think this calls for alcohol.

EVERYONE: Agreed… among other things, it's probably the only way to make Mundungus feel sorry that he didn't stay.

HARRY: Huh, firewhiskey makes me feel purposeful and courageous. That might be useful in a pinch, since I always feel a sore lack of that.

HERMIONE: *all trepidation* Huh boy.

LUPIN: *drinks up majorly, because with Kingsley gone and Mad-Eye dead, the sole responsibility for tonight's Order paranoia now rests with him*

BILL: I'll make some excuses for Dung. Seriously, who wouldn't abandon their partner on a mission that's helping to save the world?

FLEUR: I will be more focused zan everyone and bring our attention back to the fact that somebuzzy betrayed our plans.

ORDER: Yeah. That sucks.

HARRY: Yeah, that does suck… Wait! No! Innocent heroic heart, remember.

TWINS: Damn straight. Time for ear jokes.

LUPIN: I'm doomed to be surrounded by fatally trusting Potters till the end.

HARRY: Wow, Moony, you are really annoying in this book, aren't you?

TONKS: You haven't even seen the start of it yet. For instance:

LUPIN AND BILL: Us men will go recover Mad-Eye's body.

TONKS: Yep, there it goes… This book sucks.

HARRY: *goes stupidly noble again the second Lupin walks out*

MR. WEASLEY: But you're not putting us in - erm, undue - danger! You-Know-Who's got no way of knowing which safe house you're in.

HARRY: Yeah, 'cause it's not really obvious. I'm not sure there's enough Dark-Arts-induced brain damage in the world...

MRS. WEASLEY: Would it calm you down if I offered to get Hedwig all cosy?

HARRY: *facepalm*

HARRY TO ASSEMBLED ORDER AND ASSOCIATES: Well, thanks for the protection once again, guys, I guess. Good thing my wand is faster than all of you combined.

MRS. WEASLEY: There's no need for that sort of filthy talk, young man.

HARRY: GRR. Well, at the very least, I'm going off for dead-people angst, now that Mad-Eye's been added to the roster.

READERSHIP: NOOOOOO! We haven't seen the body! He could be alive!

HARRY: Don't be stupid, readership. Here, if you want something to spin wild theories from, have a go at this Voldemort-vision:

OLLIVANDER: Please don't hurt me, fearsome Dark Lord! I can make our conversation just as expositorily vague as necessary, just not another Crucio!

READERSHIP: Ooh, torturing innocent magical artisans, not on.

HARRY: I've had an important Voldemort vision.

HERMIONE: It wasn't annoying enough when I warned you about this in OotP, now I've got to remind you to close your mind again!

HARRY: Damn. I thought the plot-relevant information might sufficiently distract you.

HERMIONE: Oh Harry. A whole book full of plot awaits. But for now, stop having those uncontrollable flashes of insight into your deadly enemy's head!

RON: *mutters* Yeah, what use could we possibly get from those?

HERMIONE: Stop flirting with me, Ron, it's been a long night.

HARRY: Amen.