A/N: Well, now the posted chapters have very nearly caught up to the completed chapters. Huh boy.

CHAPTER SIX: Has Yet Another Whimsical Name

RON: *coins the phrase "You-Know-Whats," much to our delight*

HARRY: So, in four days, we can start our quest to save the world!

RON: Five days.

HARRY: What?

RON: Five days. The wedding. They'll kill us if we miss it.

HARRY: You hobbits really don't have a lot of perspective, do you?

RON: What?

HERMIONE: Nothing! Nothing.

MRS. WEASLEY: Speaking of which! Could you darling children do some chores for me?

HARRY: *warily* … er, what if, hypothetically, I said no?

MRS. WEASLEY: Oh, Harry, dear… *growls* I AM going to prevent you three from preventing the takeover of the Wizarding world by assigning you unnecessary housework.

HARRY: God, and I was so looking forward to you being an indulgent and totally non-schizo mother-in-law.

HARRY: Well SOME Chosen One's gotta go out there and kill Voldemort!

GINNY: … whimper?

HARRY: Oh, yeah… honey, I mean ex-honey, I meant to mention…

FRED AND GEORGE, MASTER WOMENHANDLERS: *sniggering*

THE CASUAL REVELATION THAT KILLING A SECRET-KEEPER MAKES ANYONE TO WHOM THE SECRET-KEEPER HAS DISCLOSED THE SECRET THE NEW SECRET-KEEPER: *is a mindscrew*

HARRY: Gosh, it's uncharacteristically understanding of the Ministry to not ream me out for using underage magic in a life-threatening situation. Unless they're trying to hush up Voldemort's attack for PR reasons?

MR. WEASLEY: Pssht. The latter. Ob-vi-ous-ly.

HARRY: Oh good, the world makes sense again.

MR. WEASLEY: So what about the Hogwarts Muggle Studies prof "resigning"?

HARRY: … okay, the gratuitous killing scene in the prologue does seem a bit creepy now we know how the spin went down.

FLEUR: 'onestly, people! Eet eez time to talk about my wedding.

PEOPLE: Right, sorry, sorry.

FLEUR: Oh, and zat 'Agrid? What a flake.

MRS. WEASLEY: Arthur, Harry. Coop-mucking duty, now.

MR. WEASLEY: Hmm, shall I work with chicken poop, or should I show off my awesome new gadgets to a captive audience? This is a toughie.

HARRY: My friends and I have escaped my obsessively-plotting future-mother-in-law and now have some time to chill, awesome!

RON: So, I'm thinking… maybe Mad-Eye's not actually dead… we haven't actually seen a body, you know.

READERSHIP: *drops collective jaw*

READERSHIP: B-B-B—W-Th—That's what we always say!

LONE FAN IN THE BACK: (Don't forget Sirius! He could still so totally come back in this book!)

HERMIONE: Honestly, you are all idiots.

HERMIONE: *starts crying*

RON: Whoa, whoa, wait! I've been training really hard for these moments, this is the cue for me to be sensitive! Watch me leap into action!

HARRY: *watches, rather taken aback by all the handkerchiefs and sensitivity from the boy who looks an awful lot like his best friend*

HERMIONE: I'm… *sniff* okay now… ready to resume my review of the all-time greatest literary hits of this series.

MONSTER BOOK OF MONSTERS: Yay I haven't been allowed to bite anyone since Book 3!

CAMEO FROM THE SERIES' MOST POPULAR GUEST STAR: *Hogwarts, A History*

FANS: Yaaay!

HARRY: So, I know you two think you're going to be my stalwart companions on this desperate and deadly journey, but don't you go getting loyal on me just because you have the entire tradition of fantasy literature behind you—

HERMIONE: Harry, don't be an arse. We're totally prepared.

HARRY: O rly?

HERMIONE: Well, I've reprogrammed my parents' memories and shipped them off to Australia.

HARRY: *taken aback* … Oh. I admit, that's pretty hardcore.

RON: Look, I know people will think we're with you if we don't go to Hogwarts, I've totally grasped that. Which is why I've made an unconvincing ghoulish copy of myself and have given it spattergroit!

READERSHIP: *bursts into laughter at the very mention of "spattergroit"*

HARRY: This… is pretty far-reaching of you two…

RON: See, Harry. We are so savvy to the conventions of this verse.

HARRY: Aw, guys. This is why you're my bffs.

HERMIONE: So, Harry, as we all know, you're still planning to go to Godric's Hollow—

RON: Which the readers should totally know, even though our plans to accompany you to your aunt and uncle's didn't actually pan out.

HERMIONE: —but I'm just not so sure there's any practical import to such a trip.

HARRY: Well, Hermione, you have your genre-savvy intuitions concerning your actions, and I have mine. I think Godric's Hollow will lead to an Inner Awakening.

HERMIONE: Or it could go disastrously wrong.

HARRY: Well, that propels our plot forward too, 'Mione! Sheesh!

RON: So, thinking about R.A.B.—we still haven't figured out who he is—

FANDOM: Aw, the widdle cwueless characters are so cute—

FEMINIST HERMIONE: *gets the Trio even further from R.A.B. identity*

RON: —and this makes me realize that we don't have the first effing idea of how to destroy these Horcruxes without Dumbledore.

HERMIONE: Well, good thing some of us, with our girl-power ambiguous morals, have the next best thing—

RON: *tuning into the fandom chatter* A portrait of Dumbledore, to teach us advanced magic?

HERMIONE: No, stupid. His library.

RON: Ah. I guess that'll do it too.

RON: (… my way involves much less of that reading crap, though)

HARRY: Wow, Hermione. Just Summoning the stuff we need. Wish I had thought to do that on the Thing I Love Most in the Second Task. How did you think of it?

HERMIONE: Well, when I'm depressed after people's funerals, I just feel these irresistible urges to break magical law and dip into Tom Riddle's school reading.

RON: That'll make the end of this war an interesting time, then.

HORCRUXES: *tear their maker's soul apart*

RON: Wow, any way to repair that? Stitches maybe?

HERMIONE: All right, Ron, get comfortable, coz this is the part where we smuggle in Christian theology and really screw with all the talking heads.

RON: *with the voice of an apt pupil making the connection* So remorse is the only way Voldemort could fix himself… *back to his old voice* Well, that's a relief! Lucky we don't have to worry about that happening.

HARRY: So now we're burdened by a mobile library and I still have no capacity for destroying Horcruxes.

HERMIONE: Sure you do. You've already done it once.

HARRY: Huh?... Oh yeah. With a basilisk fang.

HERMIONE: And since it only has one very rare antidote, it was a foolproof destruction! Yeah!

READERS: … er, don't you mean that since there is one antidote, however rare, it's not entirely foolproof? What if we just poured phoenix tears onto all the destroyed Horcruxes?

WARNER BROTHERS: Aha! Sequel hook!

RON: *is, by the way, totally parodying most of this conversation for me, so refer to all of his in-book lines during this fine comedic experience*

HARRY: *is distracted by even more unanswered questions about his dead headmaster*

ANGRY MRS. WEASLEY: CRASH! BANG! None of that boring Dumbleangst! Back to work, kiddies, chop chop!

MRS. WEASLEY: I am destroying the soul of my house by tidying it… since snotty rich French people are coming to stay!

THE DELACOURS: *against all expectations, seem really nice* Oh, you shouldn't 'ave gone to such trouble!

MRS. WEASLEY: Trouble? What trouble? There was no trouble!... I had loads of would-be heroic teenagers to do most of the work, after all.

MR. WEASLEY: *dazed* Wow the one-fourth veela lady is so hot.

MRS. WEASLEY: Okay, now there might be trouble.

GABRIELLE: My hair is still "silvery-blonde."

READERSHIP: Thanks for the heads-up.

MRS. WEASLEY: *trips over Harry* Oh, there you are! Let's you and I talk.

HARRY AND MRS. WEASLEY: *spend ten minutes elbowing Weasleys, Delacours, and Hermiones out of the way until they can find a private spot*

MRS. WEASLEY: *panting a little* So, sweetheart, how would you like to celebrate your birthday?

HARRY: Oh, Mrs. W., there's so much commotion going on, we really don't have to make you even bitchier by adding a birthday party to your plate.

MRS. WEASLEY: *getting hit in the back by stray person trying to wiggle through* Ooh, I know! We'll invite more people over!

HARRY: Uh…

MRS. WEASLEY: And one of them can be Hagrid!

HARRY: Er, we're having this little party outside, right?