Once we make it past the Seam, it gets easier. Peeta relaxes. Now that I've admitted to myself that I love him, I know that I can help him get through this. But once we reach the site of the old bakery, all of my hopes crumble. What if he has another flashback? I can't help but wonder. He sees it, too, and gets a firm grip on my hand before we slowly walk up to the ashes of what used to be Peeta's entire world. When he falls to his knees, I fall with him. At first, I think he is having a flashback, but then I see the pain etched on his face, the tears rolling down his cheeks. I wrap my arms around him and he buries his head in my neck, sobbing quietly.
"What do I do, Katniss?" He manages to get out between the tears.
"You do what they would've wanted you to do." I say quietly. "Live your life. They love you. And they don't want your missing them to get in the way of living." I realize that I need to start living by my own rules, too. I've been letting the loss of Prim put my life on hold. It's not what she would have wanted. I realize that Peeta has stopped crying.
"Does the pain ever go away?" He asks in such a small and innocent voice. I swallow hard before answering.
"It just dulls after a while. But there are people in your life that make you realize it will get better someday." He pulls me in for a long, smoldering kiss heavy with charred coal dust. I take his face in my hands and wipe the tears away.
"I love you." He whispers. I kiss him again.
I watch the wisps of steam rise from fresh-from-the-oven cheese bread as Peeta sits it on the dining room table and realize that it means so many things to me. Warmth, hope, content. I need this, I need all of it…especially Peeta. Over these past few weeks I've realized that he means so much to me, so much more than I had ever anticipated. And, for the first time in my short, confused, bitter life, it feels good to need somebody so greatly. Really, really good.
"What are you thinking?" Peeta asks with a smirk. Apparently I'm not the first one to realize that I've allowed myself to smile while thinking about the boy with the bread.
"Oh, nothing." I say quietly. Peeta still seems curious, but he must decide to let it slide because he starts to slice the bread with a skill that only a baker's son could have. Once again, I'm thinking about Peeta. Maybe I've started to cross the line from love to delirium. But all thoughts running through my head are silenced when I bite into the warm, gooey cheese sitting atop fresh bread. Times like these make me thankful that Peeta's therapy of choice is baking.
My eyelids flutter open. Where am I? But it doesn't take long to figure out. The warm, sticky air, the green foliage surrounding me. It's the Quarter Quell arena, no doubt.
"Peeta?" I whisper, but I am only greeted with silence. I jump up in a panick, running where I can only hope Peeta is. I knock plants this way and that, hoping I will be greeted with those big blue eyes I could swim in for days, sunkissed blond hair just begging me to run my hands through it…
All my questions are answered when I sweep some large green leaves to the side and see Peeta lying on the ground, his eyes wide with fear. I'm about to tell him that it's okay, that I'm hear, that I love him, when I see a large, dark shadow emerging from a gray mist. I lunge forward when I see Clove pin Peeta to the ground with a knife to his throat. I reach for my arrows, but Cato's hand stops me. He drags me closer to Peeta and forces my eyes on him. I can only watch in horror as Clove carves intricate designs all over Peeta. I can see the light fading from his beautiful blue eyes and I try to call to him, to get to him, to do anything, when I find that I have no voice. I gasp for breath, sounding like a fish out of water. I have just watched Peeta die in front of me. I gasp uncontrollably.
"Katniss? Katniss, are you okay? It was just a nightmare Katniss, please, wake up. Please." Peeta's beautifully pained voice reaches me somehow. He is trying to shake me awake. I bolt strait up in the bed, almost knocking into him. It was just a nightmare.
Then the shaking starts. I tremble uncontrollably, unable to stop the horrible images from coming to the forefront of my mind. I see every single one of their faces, every person I have killed. Hot tears slide down my face and I can feel Peeta's strong arms wrap around me. I nuzzle into his neck, trying to hide from the rest of the world, but no matter what I can't stop the tears from coming and neither can he.
"Tell me about it, Katniss. Sometimes that helps." Says Peeta.
"I c-can't. It's just too h-hard." I sob into his shoulder. Peeta's warmth envelopes me as he tightens his grip around me.
"Katniss, I love you. Please tell me what happened." I find myself telling him everything, choking on my words as I talk because I am still crying.
"It's okay, Katniss. I'm right here." He says when I'm finished. I look up into those big blue eyes. I swear I could get lost in them. They are so clear and pure, I feel like I can see all the way to his soul. It amazes me that Peeta doesn't try to cover it up. I take in every single one of his stunning features, so beautiful and colorful and warm, and I'm not surprised when my gaze lands on his soft pink lips.
Again, I'm not surprised when I find myself kissing them. They're perfect, so perfect. I love them. I love him. I love every single thing about him, all of his wonders and imperfections. He buries his face in my long dark hair, now without it's braid. I mold my body into his, and we lay there, clutching each other like a lifeline.
"I love you." I whisper. The last thing I remember before falling asleep is his smile against my bare shoulder.