Memories of a Fallen Soldier Chapter 5: Who You'd Be Today, a big time rush fanfic

A/N: Well I want to try and put some humor in this to lighten the mood of the story. Some chapters will just be depressing others will be somewhat funny. Enjoy.
And I might not update all that much for a while. My 2 month old son died yesterday so I'm not sure.

Chapter 5

Who You'd Be Today-Kenny Chesney

Day 48

Logan was walking back in to his house after a day at the park. When he walked in he grabbed a beer and sat down and sipped it on the couch. He looked outside and saw that the sun was still shining, it was a gorgeous day but he couldn't help but feel down. He stood up and made his way to his office. He thought about the song he had heard earlier in the car and started writing down the lyrics.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

Dear Kendall,

The weather is really nice today. It's really sunny out and its the perfect temperature. Its in the seventies today. These were the days we use to live for. But these are the days that now hurt me so much. On days like these we would go outside and play roller hockey or basketball. We would even sometimes go to the park. So that is where I went today.

Logan had gone to the park hoping that maybe it would make him feel better. He took a book to read so that he would have something to do. He put down a blanket when he got there and laid down on it. He opened his book and started reading. He could have sworn he felt someone sitting next to him, but when he looked over he didn't see anyone.

He sighed and put his book down. He could still feel Kendall around him and while it comforted him, it also hurt him too. "It's nice knowing that you are still here. I remember the last time we were at this park. We played basketball over there." He said while pointing to the basketball hoops that were to his left.

He smiled to himself. "I still remember all the glares we got when we laid down underneath that tree and were kissing. I remember that one lady complaining that this is a family place and two homo's shouldn't display their affection for each other because it would rise questions in the little kids." Logan laughed to himself. "I still can't believe you told that lady to fuck off."

Logan laid down and turned to his right expecting to feel the warm and toned chest he would have normally felt, but when he felt his hands hit the ground he realized that he was just talking to himself.

He no longer wanted to be at the park so he packed up all his things and left just as quickly as he had came.

I went to the park today and I felt like you were laying right next to me. I swear I felt you with me. I even started talking to you because I really thought you were there. But of course, you weren't. I think I'm going crazy babe. I think i'm losing it.

Whenever I close my eyes you are the only thing I see. Aren't things suppose to get easier? I thought they were, but with each day it seems like they only get worse and worse. You aren't here with me and when I think about that it hurts so much.

Carlos came over yesterday, he gave me the note you wrote me.

Logan stopped writing and pulled out the note Carlos had given to him the day before. He thought back to when Carlos had stopped by.

"Hey Logan, can I come in? I know I came over unannounced but I just wanted to see you." He said nervously.

"It's okay Carlos, you don't need an excuse, you are welcome to come over whenever you like." Logan ushered him in and then followed him into the living room.

Carlos sat there with a nervous look on his face. "So how are you doing? We are all really worried about you."

Logan sighed softly. "I'm doing about as good as I can be. I just wish that I could talk to him again. I think that is all I need." He admitted with a sad voice.

"What if I said I have a note for you from Kendall?" Carlos asked with a smile on his face.

Logan's eyes lit up but then went back to the sad and broken look they had since he found out about Kendall. "I would think you were just trying to make me feel better." He finally said.

Carlos reached in his back pocket and pulled out a white envelope. "Kendall sent me this just in case." He said with a sad tone.

Logan frowned. Kendall had always promised him that he would come home to him, that he didn't have a doubt about it. But this note proved that Kendall had been worried about not coming home. Carlos handed him the note and Logan opened it slowly.

Logan could tell that Carlos was extremely curious to know what it said in it. Logan looked at him and then started reading it outloud. "My dearest Logie, if your reading this that means that I'm not coming home to you. And for that I am so sorry. I sent this to Carlos in case this happened, I've been here for three weeks and we had our first combat zone yesterday. We lost three and it made me realize how much more danger I am in, here.

"All I seem to think about is you. I love you with all my heart. I always will love you. But remember that I need you to be strong." Logan stopped reading and let the crying take him over. He felt Carlos hugging him and trying to soothe him. It took almost twenty minutes for him to pull himself back together. He handed Carlos the note so he could continue reading it.

"You need to be strong for everyone else, especially Katie and Hayley. You need to step in and be the big brother Katie no longer has and the father Hayley will never know." Logan felt the crying get worse, but kept listening as Carlos read. "I know that it isn't fair to you but you are the only person I can trust with this task.

"Please don't be mad at me for coming here, it was my job as a soldier. I signed up for this and I couldn't have lived with myself if I had stayed knowing that all my friends were over here doing what I wouldn't of had the courage to do. Your offer to stay was so tempting that was why I bolted out of the car. I knew that if I stayed there any longer you would have convinced me to stay and I couldn't have that.

"Don't think I ran because I didn't love you because I do. I love you more than life itself. You mean the world to me and you always will. And just know Logie, that I will be watching over you and guiding you to where you need to go. I love you forever, Kendall."

Logan grabbed the note and stared at Kendall's writing for several minutes while Carlos held him close trying to calm him down.

That note made me feel like you were still here. I can't believe that you are gone. Believing it makes it real, if that even makes sense. I am happy to know that you didn't run because you were annoyed but it was because if you stayed any longer you would have given in to me. And now I understand why you went. I didn't before but I do now.

No one can make me smile like you did. Carlos can get a chuckle out of me here and there but I haven't really laughed since the last time I talked to you.

Kendall had called Logan right before he went out to the battle zone it was a week after he had left. Logan had still been a little sore at Kendall for going.

"Hello?" Logan asked annoyed.

"Is that anyway to greet the love of your life?" Kendall asked in a mocked hurt tone.

Logan's anger had melted as soon as he heard Kendall's voice. "I'm sorry it's just been a rough day at work." Logan said in an apologetic voice.

"I know what will make you feel better." Kendall said in a seductive voice.

"Really and what is that." Logan asked curiously.

Kendall chuckled before he answered. "What are you wearing Logie Bear?" He asked in the most seductive voice Logan had ever heard. He heard several guys cheering Kendall on in the background.

Logan couldn't stop laughing for almost two minutes. "We are not having phone sex. I can hear everyone else in the back ground."

"What's up boy!" He heard a familiar voice say. It was Kendall's roommate when he was at Camp Pendleton. It was Jay.

Logan laughed again. "Hey Jay."

"What's up? What are you wearing?" He asked in a playful voice, he sounded like a guido trying to pick up a girl.

"Give me that!" Logan heard Kendall say in an annoyed tone. "Hello?"

"You were right, I do feel better."

"I'm glad, but Jay needs to use the phone. I just wanted to call and tell you I love you before we ship out." Kendall said in a sad tone.

"I love you too, make sure you write when you can." Logan answered instantly.

"You know I will. Bye Logie."

"Bye baby."

Even when writing a depressing note, Logan couldn't help but laugh at the memory.

I still remember that last call by the way. Jay trying to steal your man. I just wish I could laugh the way I did that day. James called me yesterday and told me that everything happens for a reason and I just need to have faith. But I've been slowly losing my faith. I don't see any reason why you had to be taken away from me. You were only twenty four, you had your whole life ahead of you. But God decided that you weren't going to live it.

I can't sleep anymore. You're memory is literally haunting me. I miss you so much babe. Please, please visit me in my dreams tonight. I really need it.

Forever yours,

Logie Bear

Logan closed the note book and grabbed the letter from Kendall and walked back up to his room. He read the note over and over again until finally he was asleep.

A/N: Well I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. Let me know what you think.

Read and Review.