Disclaimer: Alas, darling, naught do I own but a cheesy cockney accent and a serious hankering for some Jammy Dodgers.
Save a Horse, Go Commando
July
Prologuenosity
Georgia
Tuesday, July 31st
Bus Station
2:15 p.m.
"Ace for one, and one for Ace," I say solemnly, holding out my hand among the circle of us mourning-clad girls, feeling vair Aramis and leaderly and whatnot. Course, Jas has to ruin it.
"I'm not sure that really makes sense." She's got her fringe covered up, so she's fiddling with her black veil instead. I look at her. Veil fiddle, veil fiddle.
"What are you talking about? Of course it makes sense. It's like the musketeers."
"Well, yeah, but their's was 'all', not 'Ace', and really, it's the 'Ace Gang', not just 'Ace', and-
"Jas, Gee's going to duff you up if you keep on," Rosie says, putting a hand on mine.
"Well, I was only-"
"Jas, put your hand in the circle and say it or I'm not going to share my jammy dodgers with you ever again," I say, which made Jas all huffy and dithery, but she does it anyways. Jools and Ellen follow suit, Ellen looking like she's going to burst into tears any moment. I decide to talk quickly, as she has a habit of wiping her nose on her hand, and just because she's moving a country or two away doesn't mean I'm going to tolerate her snot on me.
"Now, as I was saying. Ace for one, and one for Ace. Through thick and thin, through spots and bad hair days, through boys and idiotic decisions made by our parents to move us half-way across the world to Snake-Charmer-a-gogo Land, we are the Ace gang, and forever shall be."
Everyone quoted after me, and then we all hug Ellen as well as four people simultaneously hugging one person can, which leads to a few elbows to noses and other such sensitive parts, and by the end of it, we all have watery eyes from either our overwhelming depressionosity or from agony.
"I-I-'ll miss you g-g-guys," Ellen sniffles, and I congratulate myself on severing contact with her as she slobbers all over her hand. Erlack.
"Of course you will. But worry not, my little trinket, we have brought you things to remember us by," Ro-Ro says brightly, and promptly pulls out an impressively bushy beard. "Here," she says, handing it to Ellen with pride. "This is the very same beard that saw me through the Winter of the Snowball War and Slim's Bat Blind Era. Use it well."
Ellen, looking undecided whether to be awed or vaguely icked out, gingerly accepts the gift, and tucks it away in her bag.
"Thanks, Rosie. I'm sure it will be a huge hit in Snake-Charmer-a-gogo Land," she lied badly, but with obvious effort. It made Ro-Ro beam, anyways. Jas's turn next.
"Ellen, remember that time when we found those baby wombats and saved them from that dodgy Cedar tree forest and gave them a better life in the Sycamore trees?"
Oh, I remember that. That was when Jas tried to get us all to go camping with her, but we all had enough sense to say no. Except Ellen.
"Um, well, yes, I suppose…"
Jas handed Ellen a little baggie of something. Probably twigs.
"I was s-saving th-this, and I think you should h-have it, to remember me b-by." Oh, marvy. Now that Jas is all sniffly, I'm going to get all sniffly, and my eyes will swell up and my nose will expand and some dishy bloke will choose that exact moment to walk by.
Ellen peered warily into the baggie.
"Jas, is this… poo?"
We all stared at her. And she nodded.
"From the wombats. It's how we tracked them, remember?"
"Oh, yes, well, uhm." Poor Ellen. I tried to tell her 'Don't worry, we won't judge you for tracking wombats via poo' with a meaningful look, but she was too busy dithering to notice.
"Oh, and here, I brought these, too." Jas hands Ellen a pack of underwear. What sort of mad person thinks that wombat poo and underwear are appropriate farewell gifts? At least Ro-Ro gave her something useful. "You never know when you'll need a fresh pair of knickers."
Ellen managed to thank Jas for being such a swot. I probably would have duffed her up for wasting my farewell present on nonsense like knickers. Note To Self: Remind Jas that should I ever go away, she had better not give me anything stupid, or she's going to need new knickers. (What on earth would I do to make her need new undies? I haven't the foggiest. But I'm sure it would be horrible.)
I look over at Jools and notice she's in her about-to-perform-a-dramatic-recital,-backing-up-would-be-a-good-idea stance. Pulled Ro-Ro and Wombat Woman out of the danger zone just as Jools threw her arms out in a Sun Worship pose and launched into full on Poetry Reading Mode.
"Sadness,
Loneliness."
Lean forward, hiding face in hands in obvious sadnosity. Very realistic.
"Tomorrow is bleak
Cold, barren and gray,
For your face I will seek
But only in vain."
Searching hand-shielding-eyes-from-sun, body tense. Very anxious.
"Obsession,
Depression."
Lots of shoulder-swishing and arm-angling. Very stiff and pained.
"Though laughter once filled me
Tears now take their place
My beloved absentee
Leaves a hole in my days."
Oooh, the Gaping-Wound-In-The-General-Vicinity-Of-My-Heart. I think my eyes are watering.
"Acceptance,
Remembrance."
Fond smile, Faraway-look-of-better-days. Very sentimental.
"Though far you may be
And the postage cost high
I'll not lose my memories,
And this is not goodbye."
And end with Kneeling Dog and a wheelbarrow full of awkwardness. I was suspecting a poem demonstration from Jools, being that she's an artsy nutter, but that was… embarrassingly expressive.
"Wow," Ellen says. I think she's flattered.
"Here, I made this, too." Jools pulls out a bracelet made out of noodles, like the ones Libbs makes in Kinders, and ties it around Ellen's wrist. "The poem is written on the noodles, so you can take it with you wherever you go."
Aww. That's actually really nice, in an odd way. Ellen gets all dithery again, looking perilously close to slobbering all over her hand again, so I rush forward to save her skin from further boogeration.
"Here, El, I got this for you," I say, holding out a vair expensive foundation from Boots. I got it after begging twenty quid out of mum, and found out it made my skin all red and bumpy. Hope Ellen doesn't have sensitive skin.
"Oh, wow, Gee, this is really nice!" Ellen says, clearly appreciative of a real farewell present.
"I figured you'd need something to cover up the splotchy-tearstained look," I say helpfully. Jas was frowning at the bottle, as though it were a friend she wasn't quite sure she wanted to see again. Like a really smelly, drooly cousin.
"Hey, Gee, isn't that the foundation that made your face all puf-"
"-Fabulous and gorgy? Yes, indeedy, Jas, that is the very same brand." Sweet baby Jesus, she is dim. Way too close. Ellen is a bit short on the jellybeans herself, but she was looking at the makeup a bit suspiciously, so I threw my arms around her neck and gave a Jools-worthy sob. "God, I'm going to miss you, El!"
Of course, this started a whole sob-fest, and it took ages to get El loaded onto the bus. Eventually she was rolling away, waving a hanky back at her besty pals while we sniffled and hiccupped and looked a general mess.
It took a few minutes to really set in that Ellen was really gone. The dire need for comfort food set in shortly after.
"Cookies?"
"Nah. Brownies."
"Are you kidding? Midget jems and icecream, you loons. Here," Jas said, and promptly produced a rather sizable stash of jems. I don't know from where, and I've decided that this is probably for the best.
"I thought we'd be needing them. I had mum buy icecream, too."
"Brillo-pads, Jazzy!"
"Truly, a fab besty."
"I think this deserves a round of song," Ro-Ro says, and promptly began trying to lift Jas onto her shoulders, which really just looked like she was trying to see up her skirt. "Oh! For she's a jolly good Jazzy, for she's a jolly good Jazzy…"
"Rosie! Stop, really, those boys over there are laughing! We look like lezzies!"
"Don't deny you love for me, Jas! No, help me carry our midget-jimmy-hero, Gee, or I will forever shun your advances and you shall be left in the cold," she orders, and because I'm really craving some icecream, I do. Luckily, with two of us singing and lifting, it looks a lot less like one of Coach Stramm's lezzy exercises.
"Jools! Walk behind me and catch me if these raving lunatics drop me!" Jas hollers, and rather unnecessarily violently grabs hold of my hair. "And if you do drop me, I'm taking your hair with me!"
Really, I ask you.
Tuesday, July 31st
Jas's House
2:45 p.m.
I'm really going to miss Ellen.
Author's Note: There we are - the very first installment of SAH! (SAH is officially the abbreviation, mostly because Save A Horse, Go Commando is far too long to type more than once a decade, and SAHCG is just painful to look at.)
So, yes. We got rid of Ellen. Uhm, we bring someone else in, though! And she's funny! And less dithery! That's a good thing, right? And El can still come back to visit...
Feedback of any sort is not only greatly appreciated, but will be so highly prized that the giver may receive a spontaneous fuzzly feeling in the tummy via the internet. I would now like to clarify that I'm not as needy as I sound.
Hope to see you in the next chapter!