Memories of a Fallen Soldier Chapter 9: Here Without You, a big time rush fanfic

A/N: So including this chapter there are only 5 left. I have it planned out and am hoping that everyone will enjoy the ending.

Chapter 9

Here Without You-3 Doors Down

Day 100

Logan was sitting in front of the notebook still not able to believe that a hundred days had passed since he had found out that Kendall had passed. He started scribbling down lyrics knowing that it was the perfect song for his emotions right now.

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

Kendall,

It's been a hundred days since I found out about you passing on. It feels like its been years though. Not just three and a half months. I can't believe that you've been gone so much, its been a quarter of a year and things still aren't back to normal for me. I don't think things will ever be normal for me again to be honest. You were such a big part of my life and now you're not here.

I have a bone to pick with you though, Mr. Knight. I was talking to Jo last night and she said that you had kissed her a few days before we went on our first date. I don't understand why you would do that if you had such deep feelings for me like you said you did. And not only that you didn't tell me, did you still love her? Is that why you didn't tell me? I'm sorry Kendall, I just realized how ridiculous I am being. I know that you didn't love her. I'm just being stupid and paranoid.

I had a dream about you last night, babe. Did you finally decide to visit me? I hope so.

Logan thought back to the dream he had the night before. He was sitting in a dark black room and saw the familiar blond in front of him. "Kendall?" He asked in an unsure tone.

Kendall walked up to him and hugged him. "Logan, I've missed you so much." Logan melted into Kendall's embrace and enjoyed the feel of having him back.

"I've missed you too. Kendall is this real?"

"Of course its real, Logie Bear. I was finally able to come see you. The big man usually doesn't allow this but he made an exception for you." Kendall said with his famous smirk.

"So it isn't true then? God doesn't hate fags?" Logan said in an amused voice.

"Of course not, God loves everyone, even us." Kendall said with a huge grin on his face.

Logan couldn't help it, he wrapped his arms around Kendall again and gave him a gentle kiss on his lips. "Kendall, I'm so glad that you are here right now. You have no idea how much I've missed you."

Kendall pulled him away. "I do too. I've missed you just as much. It hurts me to see how much pain you are in and I know that its because I'm not here with you. But you should know that I would much rather be here with you then be up there."

Logan smiled at his boyfriend. "Of course I know that babe."

"Good, I'm here for a reason though. Logan you have to move on. It's time that you do. I won't be mad, I don't want you to be miserable the rest of your life babe. I want you to find someone who makes you happy and who makes you laugh. Because lets face it, you're more beautiful when you smile."

Logan couldn't help but blush at that. "I will eventually, but I'm not ready to yet."

Kendall walked up and planted a kiss on Logan's lips. "I have to go now Logan. I love you and I'll be watching and protecting you from up above."

"I love you too." Logan said.

And just like that Kendall was gone and Logan had woken up in tears.

I would like to believe that it really was you. I don't know if it was but I'm going to believe that it was because to be honest with you that was just what I needed. I needed to feel like I was with you again for a few minutes. And I'm not ready to try and move on but I promise that I will try my hardest.

I found that out when I went out with Troy, but I promise that when I feel that I am ready I will try to love and I promise that I won't hold back. I would like to be happy again one day, but it won't happen until I have gotten over your death a little more.

So Hayley's birthday party was yesterday. Our little girl is three years old now. I wish that you could have been there with us yesterday. You would have found it just as cute as I did.

Hayley had just finished opening her gifts from everyone and thanked everyone for all of her gifts. After the party was over she pulled Logan over to her doll house she had just received.

"Daddy, come play with me!" She yelled.

"Alright, baby doll. I'm coming." He said with a chuckle.

He sat down with her and watched as she pulled out all of her new dolls she had received from all the guest. Logan had gotten her a few barbie dolls and a sports car for her doll. She took two male dolls in her hands and started making them talk and Logan couldn't help but smile.

"Daddy, this is Kendall and this one is Logan." She said with a smile.

Logan had to wipe a few tears away from his eyes. "Are they in love with each other?" He asked in an amused tone.

"They are. They're married and have two babies. One is Hayley and one is Jo." She said with a smile. Jo was now watching and had a smile on her face.

Logan watched as Hayley made her Logan and Kendall dolls kiss and hold hands and be all lovey dovey with each other and she even reenacted a few times when he and Kendall had played hide and seek with her. He smiled at his daughter. "Well, Hayley I have to get to work so I have to get going." Logan said with regret.

"Ahhh, do you have to?" She asked. "Can I come to your house this weekend?"

He looked at her and she had hopeful eyes. "If its okay with your mommy you can spend the weekend with me."

"Otay." She said. She stood up and wrapped her arms around Logan. He picked her up and gave her a kiss on the forehead. "I love you, daddy."

"I love you too baby doll." He said in a sweet voice.

He walked over to Jo and she was smiling at him. "Did you really mean it?" She asked with a huge smile.

"What taking her this weekend? Of course I did." He said returning her smile. "It will be weird without Kendall, but I think it would be good for me."

"Are you doing okay? We're all worried about you." Jo said in a concerned tone.

"I'm doing as good as I can be. I lost Kendall, he was the love of my life and now I'm trying to settle into a life without him. It's hard." Logan admitted.

Jo wrapped her arms around him. "I'm so sorry I told you what I did. I shouldn't have because even I know it meant nothing. I had a bottle of wine and was so tipsy I couldn't catch the words before they came out."

Logan laughed at her. "I know sweetie, its okay. I wasn't angry. But I really do have to get going I have work in a few hours and I need to take a nap before I go in."

He hugged Jo and walked out the door and made his way home.

You missed it babe. It really sucks that you had to miss Hayley's third birthday but I know that you were there in spirit. She had two dolls and she named the Kendall and Logan and she was playing with them and even made them kiss and everything. It was adorable it even made me tear up a little bit. She is even spending the weekend with me this weekend. It will be weird without you but I can make it. I love her and I will make sure she has a good time.

I am thinking that I will be playing a bunch of kids games and playing with dolls all weekend, but I will take it. I miss seeing her like I use to, but that is going to change. I am going to talk to Jo about taking her every weekend. I know that Jo needs a break and she needs help and I think seeing Hayley will do me a world of good to be honest. So I really think I am going to do it.

So last night before I went to bed and saw you I was thinking about when we first started dating and when we confessed our undying love for each other. It still brings a smile to my face.

Logan and Kendall were sitting at the bar watching the Wild play the Red Wings. The Wild were down by one in the third period and they were both on the edge of their seats hoping that the Wild could make a come back.

Logan had known that he had feelings for Kendall for a while, he just hadn't admitted it to him yet. They watched as the Wild scored and they cheered with the rest of the bar. Logan felt his face in Kendall's hand and then Kendall planted a kiss on his lips.

Logan looked at Kendall surprised but couldn't help but smile. The rest of the game crept by and Logan felt like it was going on forever.

When they finally made it back to Logan's apartment Logan was on edge. "Kendall what was with that kiss?" He asked as soon as they walked through the door.

"Logan, I know that you have feelings for me, I just couldn't contain myself anymore." Kendall said with a smile.

Logan got a smile on his face. "So what, you're telling me that you actually have feelings for me too?" Logan asked in a surprised tone.

Kendall got a grin on his face and laughed. "Of course I do. I've had a crush on you since I was eighteen."

Logan got a blush on his face. "Really that short of a time? I liked you shortly after we got to L.A. I just never said anything because I didn't want you to be weirded out or anything like that." Logan thought about it for a few seconds. "Is that why you and Jo broke up a year ago?"

Kendall nodded. "I told her about my feelings for me and she told me that she always knew in the back of her mind and that she wishes us the best. She's been the one telling me to make my move."

Logan couldn't believe what he was hearing right now. He never would have been able to even begin to imagine that this could possibly be real. He never thought that Kendall would return feelings for him. He couldn't help but smile at the blonde.

He smiled when Kendall stood up and wrapped his arms around him. "I never thought in a million years I would be having this conversation with you Kendall."

Kendall smiled at him. "I didn't either Logie Bear. I've loved you for so long and I'm so glad that I can finally tell you that."

Logan couldn't believe what he had just heard. "You, you love me?" He asked in a confused tone. Kendall didn't say anything, he just nodded. "I love you too."

Logan wrapped his arms around Kendall and kissed his lips passionately. They spent the night together for the first time that night and Logan knew from that point on that he and Kendall were truly meant to be together.

I remember thinking that nothing could ever tear us apart that night. That we would be together forever. I didn't think that forever would only be a few short months. I thought that you would still be here babe. I can't believe that you aren't. That night still seems just like yesterday. Not almost a year ago.

Going on with you gone is still hard but I'm getting better at it to be honest. I'm learning how to live my life without you now and its still hard but it is getting easier everyday and I am so thankful. Even though I have lost you I am so thankful to have had you in my life. Not many people know the love we shared and a lot of people don't get to experience something so wonderful.

So for that I am thankful that God gave me you. I will never love someone as much as I loved you but like I said I am so glad I got to experience such an intense connection and such an intense love. I will continue to miss you every second of everyday but I will move past this. I will move past it but I will never forget you. I never could. So I'm off to bed now to dream of you, because tonight it's only you and me.

Love always,

Logie Bear

A/N: I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. I hope that you guys will like the ending when I post it.

Reviews are always welcome!