I know I said on monday. But I got stuck on the chapters of one of my other stories and I was hoping to post the three at the same time...which is why this one is a little late. I just decided it wasn't worth waiting while I struggled, so here is the next chapter. Thanks for waiting.

Deling city was huge. It didn't matter how many times he stopped in this city on way to visit his parents in Balamb, Ryu was still shocked at the size of the sprawling metropolis. There were buildings as far as the eye could see, each going up several stories, with dark bricks and large inviting windows. The people moved around quickly, as if they thought that their business was so earth shattering that they could push others out of their way. People didn't stop to say hello to each other, didn't bother to learn their neighbour's names and were only concerned with their lives. 'That's what's wrong with large cities, there's no communication.' The dark haired blonde thought to himself.

Already the group had been bumped into on several different occasions; he had seen both Kayden and Kohana reach for backup knives whenever someone approached them and got too close. Ryu mentally shook his head at the pair; they were both very jumpy individuals and when placed together they seemed to feed off the others paranoia and become more cautious, if that was possible.

'But that's what being a SeeD is about, going through life always half way expecting the person standing next to you to attack at any time for any reason. What a way to live. It's perfect for those two; they have the personality for it. But what about me, I don't like the idea of going through life half ready for an attack.'

He had frozen during the SeeD exam once he had seen who he would be firing at. It was not a monster, or a shooting range target, but a human. Someone who's life was like his. Someone who had a home, had siblings, had friends and family, had fun… had lived, and he had been expected to shoot them down like animals. He had, when it was necessary to complete the mission, shooting four people down. One so that a report would not get back to the runner group about the presence of SeeD in the caves and the last three from the group of trained soldiers that had attacked them in the caves when all he wanted to do was leave.

Ryu had spent so much time wondering if he had not been just a little faster would the one holding the substance have been able to inject it into Suzu. Would his squad leader have lived if he had gotten there faster and completed the harsh duty of picking off the last two soldiers? Was it his fault that Suzu died? Was it wrong to be happy that he survived?

'I want to talk to Kayden and Kohana alone, without the others around. They're the only ones that understand. They were there and saw what I saw and they know…'

The group of six was standing on a train platform, now waiting for the connection train that would complete their journey to Timber city. It had been a five hour journey on train to Deling city and another overnight trip was waiting for the group.

He had watched the two gunbladers while on the first train, from the couch he had shared with his sister. They had stood for nearly the entire trip looking over the detailed maps that donned the walls in their compartment. Kayden had slowly slipped an arm around the waist of his girlfriend at some point during their minute study of the map. What they were looking at, Ryu had no idea, but with what he understood about the pair's large paranoia, it was probably following up with one of the girl's scenarios she had listed while waiting for the train to arrive. But she hadn't listed one that involved knowledge of Galbadia and its surrounding nations.

There was no talking between the friends as they waited, and even as the train arrived and Breana burst into another excited rendition of the train song, there was silence. Ryu found himself getting jumpy as it continued; it was as if he too was becoming suspect to the paranoia that the leaders of the group suffered from.

It did not get any better as the two leaders of the group continued to communicate without the necessary words that most needed to speak, unaware that he was looking to them for guidance. It was like boyfriend and girlfriend had known each other for longer than the three years they had been together, like some older relationship had been rekindled by their meeting. They were always able to read the other and talk with their eyes alone.

He found himself incredibly curious to see what Kohana would do when Kayden finally asked her to marry him. 'Hopefully that will be years away. They're both still teenagers. But I have never seen a relationship like the one they have; the love or the devotion. There's no chance their going to break up now or ever. They're in too deep, and won't let go.'

Ryu found himself wondering why he followed Kohana. Why he listened to her during the horrible SeeD exam when everything else had gone wrong. Why she had been able to reach him, when his panic was threatening to swallow him in the tension of the moment and never release him. She had broken through and managed to get him to listen when even he did not think he could.

There was something about her, something so engrained that it made everyone who knew her want to follow her and made them listen to her, even at the worst moments. There was something he trusted about her, some instinct that told him that she would never intentionally lead them wrong, and that is why she became the true leader of their group. He would follow her to the ends of the Earth if she called it from him, especially after what happened in that cavern. They would all follow her, if she called it from them.

Ryu continued musing as he followed his friends onto the new train, decorated in the same pattern as the last one they were on. In place of the dark blue it was now furnished in deep red tones. The dark red carpet, instead of making him think of a peaceful home setting, now reminded the boy of the blood he had spilt in the SeeD exam and what he had seen happen to Suzu. The boy's blood spewing out of his mouth, out of openings in his body as the substance ate away at his living skin… Ryu shuddered at the images as they replayed once more.

The room was supposed to be peaceful, but right now it generated a tension that was felt between all the friends. There was a set of bunk beds in the corner, with deep red sheets on them, and red curtains to block out the light in the room. The only relief to the red colouring was the white pristine couches that donned the rooms.

Kayden practically dragged Kohana away from the maps donning the walls and sat with a protective arm around her shoulders on one of the couches, half comforting and half to keep her from being able to continue her study of the maps. Ryu followed the pair, sitting on the opposite side to the black dog that took up the other side of his owner.

Bast raised a sleepy eye to him and Ryu patted him, following the thick fur down his body with his fingers. The dog wagged in contentment and closed its eyes once more, shifting closer to him, probably hoping for more attention. Ryu hoped that this would be a subtle signal to his other friends that he wanted to speak to his squad alone. He sent a desperate look over to his twin, who nodded at his silent request to leave for awhile.

"I'm going to look around." Ronna said suddenly. "C'mon Bre, Toby. Let's see what there is to eat."

There was a loud growl that came from the afore mentioned boy's stomach at the reminder of the promise of food. He looked guilty while his sister rolled her eyes at him. "I'm a growing boy!" Toby stated hotly.

"Yeah…sure you are." Bre stated.

But none argued as they left the comforts of the room. 'Maybe they know me better than I thought. None of us have gotten a moment to think about what happened or to talk about it with each other. Well…I haven't. Kohana probably has been thinking about it from the moment it happened.'

"Did you guys want anything?" Ronna asked quietly before she left.

"Coffee." Both Kayden and Kohana said exactly at the same moment.

Kayden smiled, directed only towards the small girl he sat next to. She inclined her head back. There seemed to be something so ancient in the gesture, as if it was a learned behaviour from long ago, restarted in present times.

"Just a juice for me." Ryu spoke.

"Kay. I'll stall for long as possible."

"Thanks." He got out just as his sister finally left the room.

He turned to the other members of the Squad, trying to figure out a way to start this conversation. Ryu suddenly realized that he may be the only one that wished to speak about what happened and if he brought it up it may cause the other two to get angry. Well, it would cause Kayden to get angry over mention of something he didn't want to speak about, and it would cause Kohana to retreat internally and she would just bottle up everything inside; which would result in Kayden becoming angrier at the upset caused to his girlfriend. 'Well…there's no harm in asking. If they don't want to talk, it's up to them…'

"What's up?" Kayden asked finally when he could not speak.

"He wants to speak about the SeeD exam." Kohana answered.

"How did you know that?" Ryu said in shock, wondering if the girl had just read his mind.

"You chased the others out of the room. And you've been watching us ever since we left the first train." She responded. "It was obvious that you wanted to speak to us about something that didn't involve the others."

"…Oh. Well. If you don't want to, that's fine." Ryu said back.

She sighed deeply, and rested her head on Kayden's shoulder. "I…don't mind. It's not like I'm going to forget anytime soon anyways, so talking about it won't do any more harm."

"Alright." Kayden nodded his consent. "What part did you wanna talk about?"

"All of it."

"That would take hours. Ronna isn't that good at stalling." Kayden pointed out.

"Then what about the killing of the runners or Suzu…I want to know if what I'm feeling is normal!" Ryu burst out.

"There's no such thing as normal, Ryu." Kohana spoke up once more. "How we react to a situation is deemed by our past experiences and none of us would have the exact same past as the other."

"Don't tell me that. I know. But it's not easy." The dark haired blonde continued. "How are we supposed to live with ourselves after that? How are we supposed to move on? We killed humans…people…"

"Who could have been us; who had the same life we did and did the same things we did. Had family and friends and enjoyed being with them." Kayden continued. "I know. I've thought about it too."

"There isn't much separating us from them." Kohana spoke slowly. "Just sides. And to them, we were the enemy." She paused as if considering a thought. "But there is a difference. Everyone in that army knew what they were doing. They wanted to enslave a peaceful nation and kill others. What separates us is intent. Their intent was to kill innocents and enslave as many as they could, and use that substance to do it. They all knew that that was what they were doing, and they did it anyways. SeeD wanted to protect the people in Dollet and make sure that those that didn't deserve war would never see it."

Ryu blinked. That was the most he had ever heard Kohana say at one time and on one idea.

"But…they didn't have any training." Ryu pointed out.

"They still knew what the army's intent was and agreed with it on some level." Kayden broke in. "They were only where they were because they were the fastest in the army."

"It wasn't fair to place untrained forces in that position! And that's what Garden did to us too. We all could have died, like them. Why didn't the Headmaster do anything to stop it?!" Ryu answered hotly.

"Not everyone agreed with the exam." Kayden said softly. "Instructor Bane told me that he didn't, and he sided with the Headmaster. It was Verauan's idea. And that's why we have to do something about him, before he places others in the same danger we were in."

"But they were still untrained, compared to us!" Ryu responded pulling the topic back to the subject at hand. "And we killed them. I killed them"

"We didn't have much choice in the matter. It was kill or be killed, there was no second net set up in case we couldn't do that. We had to find the strength to move on and complete the mission, or the entire attack would fail. And not only would we have died, but many of the SeeD and Dollet soldiers and the innocents that we were protecting from war." Kohana argued back. "We weren't given any choice in the matter. And we all killed there…not just you; you're not alone in that fact. Everyone in our group killed at least one person, if not more. We were placed in a situation that we should not have been."

"It breaks nearly every rule for the entire armed conflict section of the SeeD manual… not to mention all the rules in armed conflict involving cadets… It's disgusting thinking that Verauan might get away with that." Kayden muttered.

"I'm so confused." Ryu spoke out. "What am I supposed to feel? Is it supposed to be easy for SeeD to kill humans?"

"No. And when it does become easy that's when there's something wrong. There's always another way, unless stated otherwise by the mission, and we should not be so blood thirsty to immediately want to kill. When we can look a human in the eyes and not feel anything for their deaths…that's when the system has failed." Kayden spoke back.

"But it failed us, in the exam!" Ryu muttered. "I'm angry that it happened. I think I lost something in there, and I can't get it back. Like it changed me. They weren't so much different from us. But I guess they did know what they were doing."

"I know. I feel that way too." Kohana stated. "I don't understand what I'm supposed to feel. I feel kinda numb right now, and just really confused."

"And angry, pain, sadness, horror." Kayden listed. "I think it's normal to feel like that; at least after that shared experience. And because we all went through the same situation we would almost be likely to feel the same things."

"I wanna talk to my parents." Ryu continued, shaking slightly as he did.

"I do too." Kayden responded simply. "Once my Dad calms down enough to not try to hunt Verauan down and skewer him with his Hyperion, and my mom's exhausted all of her vocabulary on what she thinks about that situation, they'll know what to say. They've gone through it themselves. I think that's normal to want to talk to them."

"I wish I had parents like yours to talk too." Kohana muttered, glancing downwards as she spoke. "I wish my parents would understand."

"Maybe after they hear what happened to you, you guys will get along better." Ryu hedged. "No true parent wants to see their child upset."

"Mine weren't so considerate." Kohana answered before sighing. "If I tell you something, can you promise me you won't tell anyone else?"

"I promise." Ryu said immediately. "If it's that important."

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Kayden asked her, glancing downwards at his girlfriend.

"Yeah…I trust him. I haven't been exactly truthful about why my parents and I don't get along. There wasn't a fight. I was taken into Garden at ten because they both were physically and emotionally abusive and child services found out."

"If that's true, then how can you be a SeeD?" Ryu asked in horror.

"I buried the records; had them sealed before I transferred Garden's. I don't want my past to rule me, and so far it hasn't. I also went to therapy in Trabia and they thought I was dealing with it well, and said that it would not be mandatory after I turned fourteen. But...my parents told me I shouldn't have been born and I wasn't worthy to be their daughter. I want to prove that wrong by being a SeeD. I'm okay with it. I know what happened, and I've accepted it. I'm not going to hide from it. I'm just scared if I tell anyone else that it will be revealed any more than what it has, and SeeD will be taken away from me too."

"I won't tell." Ryu promised. 'Well that explains why she has trouble trusting adults. But she has gotten better with that. As long as one of us is around to guide her on who we trust.'

"I don't think my past will affect my actions as a SeeD. It was a long time ago. Can we talk about something else now?" The girl asked pointedly.

"Here we've been talking about our parents like that!" Ryu sputtered. "We must have seemed so cold."

"I understood. You guys got lucky with parents, I didn't…it happens. It's interesting to hear about your parents as you speak of them, like their people and not the celebrities that the public has made them out to be. I like listening."

"Do you ever wish your parents understood?" Ryu asked.

"Well…no. Just I wish I could talk to someone similar to me, so that they would understand me better." Kohana hedged.

"You could try talking to my mom." Kayden answered. "She's gonna like you anyways, and try to kidnap you to get to know you better."

"What?" Kohana asked, sounding confused. "Why?"

"She knows you're my girlfriend. She got it out of me last time I visited. You'll like her, she's really nice." Kayden responded. "She just wants to meet you, and my Dad wants to meet you to tease me about you."

"Huh?"

"He's been gloating ever since he found out I have a girlfriend."

"I don't mean to bring this back up again." Ryu started. "But what about Suzu? Any thoughts?"

"I stand by my decision." Kohana started.

"And I stand by her." Kayden responded just as quickly.

"Me too, but that's not what I meant." Ryu agreed. "I was wondering what you thought of that?"

"I was thinking about his life and how similar it was to ours." Kohana started. "And that someone could create this substance to have it used on others, and what type of person they had to be to take pleasure in their work."

"Suzu's death isn't for nothing. He didn't die in vain." Kayden started. "We have a sample that could save millions, and a chance to protect others. I'm not going to let it go easily."

"Just watching him…" Ryu responded, shivering at the memories invoked by mentioning this aloud. "Are…Are you guys having nightmares too?"

There was a prolonged silence in the room as the three studied each other intently, looking for any sign of who would speak first. Ryu could see by the expression darting across both his friend's eyes that this comment had brought up some memories in them too.

"I can't stop thinking about it." Kohana finally answered. "It's like every moment has been recorded in my mind and it won't stop replaying. I can still hear him screaming, and still smell him dying."

Kayden buried his cheek into her dark hair, closing his eyes against whatever images he was reliving. "I can still see the look in his eyes and the pain in his face. I wake up shivering because I think I'm still there watching."

"I think a part of us will be there forever watching him die. It changed all of us." Kohana responded finally. "And I don't think there's a way to go back from that."

Ryu nodded and the conversation died.

At some point during their talk, the train had started on its trek to Timber, but he had missed both the motion of the train as well as its shrill whistle announcing its intent to leave. He had been too focused on wanting to speak to the others that had endured the same visions as he did. Ryu was grateful that he had, now that he knew that both Kayden and Kohana were feeling the same things he did, it made it easier to live with the memories; it made it easier to live with himself now that he knew he was not alone.

"Do you think if we had gotten to the two sooner…?" Ryu started and left it hanging.

"It's guilt." Kayden answered. "Survivors guilt. We think if we had just been a little faster, stronger or smarter we could have stopped it. If we had been closer to him originally…"

"It was just as likely that we all would have been caught by those men." Kohana spoke up. "He was too far ahead. And we couldn't risk calling out to him…"

"I would have preferred to have my marks docked than that happen!" Kayden burst out.

"That's not what I meant. If we had called out to him, and those men were that close, there could have been more that we didn't know about nearer still and it would have alerted them to our location. No matter what we did in that situation it was not going to end well for us; either by that substance or running into a larger group. There wasn't much we could do." Kohana explained her earlier statement. "But that doesn't mean I don't feel like we missed something. Survivors guilt…sounds right."

Ryu nodded once more.

There was a knock on the door, and the hesitant dark blonde haired girl looked in her friendly brown eyes focusing on his. They weren't identical twins, but there was enough of a resemblance to know that they were siblings. Both had thick waves of dark blond hair and light brown eyes. "Is it safe to come in?" She questioned.

Ryu nodded and just as quickly the three missing from the conversation slipped into the room. Kohana and Kayden made a dive for the offered coffee, fighting over who got the first one. Kohana won, only because Bast stirred up and started to growl lightly at Kayden, possibly thinking that the male gunblader was doing something that threatened his owner. Kayden muttered something about Bast being too well trained and just as big as a suck for her.

Kay immediately released the cup to the triumphant girl and sulkily grabbed the second, while sending a glare down to the dog. Bast just wagged back, with a sweet look of incomprehension donning his face. Kayden sighed and patted him on the head; nothing could win over that look. The dog had nearly everyone wrapped in a neat bow.