Thanks for all the reviews. This chapter is for MorningGlory2 and K. Palafox, who requested an update. Sorry it took me so long.

Chapter 6: A Hand to Hold

Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violins
Just run with me through rows of speeding cars
The papercuts, the cheating lovers
The coffee's never strong enough
I know you think it's more than just bad luck

There, there baby
It's just textbook stuff
It's in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling
Oh don't lose your head
'Cause none of us were angels
And you know I love you, yeah
~Imogen Heap, Speeding Cars

Kate awoke with a start. Rolling over to glared at the clock – she'd only been asleep for an hour – she tried to shake off the memory of her latest nightmare about Claire; one she had all too often these days. Unable to go back to sleep she lay sprawled out in bed, eyeing the still-dark sky beyond a lacy curtain.

A strange sound made her scramble to a sitting position in a matter of seconds. She stayed perfectly still, straining to hear where the noise was coming from. Concentrating intensely, she recognized it to be some sort of mumbling that was taking place downstairs.

It was moments like this that made her wish she kept a baseball bat nearby. She contemplated the thought as she crept down the stairs, the sight when she reached the bottom making her freeze in place.

Jack was thrashing violently on the couch, the blankets a tangled mess at his feet and every inch of his body covered in sweat.

Slowly Kate's panicked stance relaxed into one of worry. She debated going back to bed, knowing Jack wouldn't want her to see him like this. Her foot was on the upper stair when he spoke her name so clearly that she whirled around, a guilty expression creeping onto her face.

Staring at him intently, she watched his breathing accelerate so fast he couldn't possibly be awake.

"Don't go," he mumbled, his voice hoarse as though from screaming. Kate's heart broke at the pain evident in his words. She began walking forward without consciously giving her feet the decision to move. It hardly surprised her when she sat on the couch beside him, lifting his head into her lap and stroking his short hair lightly.

He sighed in contentment and she frowned as the movement irritated the tangled beard on his face. In the short time she'd seen him today, she hadn't really paid attention to the scruffy hair growing around his mouth; for the first time she realized how much it irritated her. She'd have to do something about that when he woke up. But for now...

Kate trailed her fingers across his forehead as he shivered, worried about how warm he felt. Maybe he had a fever.

Or maybe he's just going through withdrawal. She forced herself to remember the reason Jack was here in the first place. That no matter how sorry she felt for him, this was his fault to begin with.

It was hard to be angry at him when he looked so broken.

"Jack," she sighed, knowing they really needed to sit down and have that chat; to have all their issues laid out in the open would make addressing them so much easier.

He stirred at the sound of her voice, his eyes flickering open, staring at her in confusion until recognition set it. Then he was whipping his head away from her, sliding as far away as possible on the small couch. Kate couldn't help flinching at his obvious discomfort.

"What are you doing here?" he whispered in a voice still rough from sleep.

"I live here," she replied, watching the wave of hurt cross his face as he realized, once again, that this was no longer his home. She quickly backpedaled, not wanting to make things any more awkward than they already were.

"I heard a noise coming from downstairs and when I went to check, I saw you..." She trailed off, not about to tell him of the state she'd seen him in. "What were you dreaming about?" she questioned, her attempt to change the subject falling flat when Jack's face immediately closed off. "You can talk to me, you know." She wished it was true, but in her heart she knew it wasn't.

"No I can't," Jack said, agreeing with her unspoken thoughts. "Not anymore."

At his words Kate was overcome with regret; if only she and Jack could go back to the way they used to be. "Why don't you talk to me now?" she suggested. "It doesn't matter what you say, I won't judge you. I just want to talk."

If she hadn't been watching him carefully, she wouldn't have noticed the wistfulness that filled his eyes before he blinked it away.

"What can I say, Kate?" he asked, not sure where she was going with this.

"Why don't you tell me what happened in your dream? You said my name..." she pressed, her curiosity not as strong as her sudden need to get Jack to open up to her.

Maybe he was still half-asleep, or maybe he still had a few lingering traces of alcohol in his system, she didn't know, but for some reason he actually decided to answer her.

"You told me that everyone on the Island was dead because of me. That I killed them because I left," he admitted. Kate started, trying to cover up her surprise at Jack's mention of the Island – it had become sort of a forbidden topic between them while they were together, one of the main reasons their relationship had fallen apart in the first place; too many things were left unsaid – but she wasn't quick enough.

Jack's eyes narrowed at her subtle reaction, guilt creeping up in his chest, but he kept going. Now that he was finally talking, he needed to continue, to get all the feelings he'd had in the past few months off his chest.

"It was more like a bunch of memories rather than a dream, or a nightmare actually. I kept seeing my father's coffin, and Sawyer jumping from the helicopter, and Claire's mom at the funeral. And every scene I had to watch over and over and over again, knowing it was all my fault.

"Then you said that I broke yours and A – Aaron's hearts" – he stumbled a bit around the little boy's name, a fierce wave of regret rushing over him – "when I left. I know it's true Kate. I wish I could change that. Every damn day I look back on the way things turned out and wish, pray to a God I'm not even sure I believe in, that things could be different."

"Jack..."

"And you know what the worst part is?" he continued, his words running together in his haste to say them. Kate shivered at the half-crazed glint in his eyes. "It's what you say to me every goddam time right before I wake up. You always tell me that – "

"I wish I hadn't met you; then I'd never have to miss you," Kate finished for him, stopping him mid-sentence, his mouth dropping open.

"Where did you hear that?" he whispered, the angry glow of his eyes fading until there was nothing left but sadness. He slumped back against the couch, his head starting to spin as the entire conversation began to sink in.

"It's what I think when I wake up in the morning and you're not lying there beside me, or when I'm in the shower getting ready for work. I whisper it to myself every night when I'm reading Aaron a bedtime story and he asks where you are. It's the only thing I can tell myself that gets me through the day, Jack.

"And you're right. You did break my heart by leaving. And Aaron's too. He hasn't stopped asking about you since the day you walked out that door, away from the family I thought we were finally becoming. It is your fault, Jack. You could have handled the situation a lot better – we could have talked things out instead of ending them the way they did. You didn't trust me, I still don't think you do, and how could we ever be together if our relationship was built on nothing more than lies and keeping secrets?"

She paused, taking a deep breath. This was not the way she'd wanted their talk to go; she'd hoped to do this without yelling at him, but she couldn't help herself. She wanted Jack to know exactly how she felt, to understand the pain he caused her. And if that was the only way to get those feelings across, then so be it.

"I'm sorry, Jack. I didn't want this to turn into a screaming match," she apologized, lowering her voice. "And I'll admit that I could have tried harder to work things out then. I shouldn't have said those things to you – Aaron is as much your son now as he is mine. And you're his blood relative; I have no right to keep him from you..." She trailed off, the horror of losing the child she had come to know and love as her own reminding her of the dreams about Claire. Was she destined to lose the only thing she had left? Was fate really that cruel?

Jack must have seen the tortured look in her eyes because he slowly reached for her hand, squeezing it tentatively. She didn't shy away from the contact.

"I don't want to take Aaron from you, Kate. That's the last thing I'd ever want to do. You're a much better parent to him than I could ever be, and I think that's part of why things ended so badly between us. I wasn't ready to be a father and I couldn't handle the responsibility.

"I want to change that, I will change that for you, and for Aaron. I need to start working my own issues out so I won't be such a burden anymore. I'm tired of you feeling sorry for me and I'll do my best to change that. If you'll give me the chance."

Kate didn't answer, the lump forming in her throat made it impossible to speak. She couldn't believe what she was hearing; Jack actually wanted to get help, he wanted them to be a family again.

Almost as soon as the thought began forming in her mind, she pushed it away, sighing in resignation at the hope already beginning to blossom in her chest. She'd heard it all before. I want to change, I'll try to be better. It just wasn't enough this time. And she wasn't about to get her hopes up just to watch herself be let down again.

She turned away, blinking back the tears. But this time they weren't tears of joy, they were tears of sorrow. Would she and Jack ever be able to go back to the way they used to be?

If you just give him a second chance... A voice in the back of her head kept nagging her. She rejected the idea, forcing it out of her mind. She'd already given Jack a second chance. And a third.. And each time he did nothing but disappoint her again and again.

"Kate," he said, drawing her attention away from her morbid thoughts. "I know you don't believe me. And I don't blame you, after everything I've done. But I don't want to be the junkie anymore, the guy who lives only for his next fix. I'm tired of screwing up all the time and I want to be different. I honestly want to change, I just don't know if I can."

The raw truth in his voice made her shudder slightly and she wondered if this time he really would be able to overcome whatever he was going through.

Nothing was going to happen this early in the morning, however. Not if either of them didn't get any sleep.

"Why don't you go back to sleep for a bit, okay Jack? We can talk some more in the morning, but you look like you need a bit more rest," she suggested, hoping he understood the deeper meaning of her words; that she would still be here when he woke up later. Even thought it was her house, Kate knew Jack was constantly worrying about her running out on him. This time she wasn't planning on going away, however, and she wanted him to know that.

He frowned, thinking of what his father had said earlier at the hospital. He didn't quite remember those few hours very well – everything was a bit fuzzy, but he distinctly remembered Christian making an appearance (he wasn't even going to try and wrap his brain around how his dead father had managed to talk to him – at least, not for the moment) and saying something along the lines of: the dreams won't stop. The last thing he wanted was to shut his eyes again and give in to what was hiding just below the surface of his subconscious.

Kate watched the defiance fill Jack's eyes, knowing he would fight her to last the second, though unsure why he was so determined not to fall back asleep. She saw his hands clenched into fists at his side, either trying to control his anger or to stop himself from shaking.

Then all at once a panicked expression formed on his face and he was bolting from the couch, headed straight for the bathroom across the hall. She winced, hearing him emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet.

Getting up and walking into the kitchen, she turned on the coffee maker; this was going to be a long night.

When she returned to the living room, Jack was once again sitting on the couch, the blanket bundled around him as he no longer fought to hide his shivering. He barely glanced up as Kate walked over to him, humiliation making him flush.

She sat down without comment and silently handed him a few pills, which made Jack's heart beat faster until he realized they were just Tylenol. He frowned inwardly at his body's automatic reaction to the possibility of a fix.

"You must feel like crap, huh?" Kate asked, raising an eyebrow as he continued to stare at the objects in his hand before setting them aside.

"The last thing I need is to become dependent on even more pills," he said in response to her questioning glance.

Kate nodded grudgingly, respecting his decision but, despite herself, hating to see him suffer.

"Do you want a glass of water or something?" she asked, already knowing what the answer would be, used to his stubbornness.

Jack shook his head, not about to let Kate make this any easier for him. He deserved every moment of pain this brought him, pain he was certain would only get worse. His head was already pounding, spinning in a very uncomfortable way, and his stomach was rolling uneasily, but he said nothing, staring straight ahead.

He started in surprise when Kate gently took his hand, the same way he had earlier. The look in her eyes wasn't one of pity this time, nor one of anger, but rather one of camaraderie; it was her way of telling him she would stay by his side.

Displaying her own fit of stubbornness Jack accepted that Kate wasn't going anywhere tonight. He found himself taking comfort in her presence, instead of feeling awkward about it, the way he once would have. She was the only thing that kept him going through the rough night, staying by his side and rubbing soothing circles around his back, chasing away the nightmares.

When he awoke the next morning from a dreamless sleep, having given in to the exhaustion sometime after the first few rays of sun began peeking through the window, the first thing that registered in his brain was that he was alone on the couch. The second was the smell of pancakes wafting in from another room, the kitchen he assumed.

For a moment he forgot where he really was and panicked, wondering who was cooking in his house, until a few stray memories from the night before wound their way into his mind. Amidst all the nausea, shivering and sweating, the one thing that stood out from his remembered feelings of discomfort was Kate.

As soon as Jack thought of her, he forced his eyes to open, wondering where she had gotten to. He couldn't help the small smile that crept onto his face when he noticed her standing in the doorway, holding a plate of pancakes in her hand.

"I wasn't sure if you were hungry or not, but I made enough extras in case y – " Before she could finish her sentence she was cut off by a voice from the other room, a voice that made Jack's heart sink because it was one he knew all too well.

"Is Uncle Jack awake now?" Aaron asked, peering around the corner to see for himself. Delighted to see the older man staring groggily back at him he launched himself into the room, landing roughly on Jack, who wheezed upon his impact.

"Morning Jack," he stated happily, bouncing up and down on Jack's legs.

"Hey buddy," Jack managed to gasp out. "What're you doin' here?"

Aaron giggled, shaking his head. "That's a silly question. I live here. How 'bout you?" he responded, not noticing Jack's head turn towards Kate, the look in his eyes letting her know exactly what he was thinking.

Why is Aaron here?

"Last night was pretty short notice," she whispered, struggling to find her voice.

"Are you gonna stay here again, Uncle Jack?" Aaron asked, breaking the silence. Jack gazed at Kate helplessly but she had no response either. "I missed you." He wrapped his arms around Jack's waist, clinging himself to the older man.

When Jack didn't answer, Aaron kept up a steady stream of comments, Jack's beard providing an easy distraction.

"How come your chin is all hairy?" the young child asked innocently, unaware of the tension that filled the room, though Jack managed to crack a small smile for him.

Kate stood stonily in the doorway; she was on the verge of tears at the scene in front of her and knew Jack was as well. She'd thought last night would have at least made some difference between the two of them, but nothing had really changed. If anything his presence had only made things worse. She wondered how hard it would be on Aaron when Jack left this time.

Unless I can stop him from leaving, she debated with herself, unsure if that was even possible.

Clearly she and Jack had a lot more to work through before they could even think about going back to the way things were, she realized as she watched him playfully tickle Aaron until the little boy had tears running down his cheeks.

She smiled sadly, wondering how this relationship even had a chance of turning out okay.