Disclaimer: This really isn't mine, although I did have a lot of fun writing this one.

Chapter Summary: It was the weirdest thing he ever found in her purse. An episode-related fic for "The Thing That Counts is What's Inside."

A/n: These take place in at random times throughout the show's history. They're also in no particular order. Enjoy, and please review!

Coda: Season Seven

A story by Ryeloza

Four: What's Inside

"Gaby, why is there tinsel in your purse?"

Gaby glanced over at Carlos. He'd pulled out the clump of tinsel she'd crammed in there earlier and held it out with a disgustingly questioning look on his face. It annoyed her so much that she couldn't help but bark, "How do you even know it's tinsel?"

"Hey, I may not be able to see, but I know tinsel when I feel it. Especially since I've spent the past two weeks cleaning it up from under the tree. So what gives?"

"Fine," she sighed, slapping a piece of tape on the last corner of a present and shoving it under the tree. Despite how meager Christmas was this year, the number of presents felt endless, and Gaby had wrapped them all. The man knew tinsel by touch, but claimed he couldn't wrap a Barbie doll; something seemed fishy about that. "I put it in there for Celia."

"What?"

"Well she's always so fussy in the afternoon, but the other day I realized, if I wave some of that tinsel in her face, she settles right down. You know, like a cat batting at a ball of yarn?"

"You're waving tinsel in the face of our nine month old daughter?"

"Don't judge me!" snapped Gaby, waving her tape-strewn finger in Carlos' direction. "She may be attracted to shiny objects because of me, but that bad taste is all you." Carlos gaped at her, speechless, and Gaby gave a triumphant nod. "Yeah," she smirked. "That's what I thought. Now put it back and get your lazy ass over here. Mrs. Claus is tired of doing all of Santa's work."

Carlos just sighed.

"Bree, why do you have a stamp card for DeeDee's Double Ds in your wallet?"

With a snap of her neck that would surely twinge the next day, Bree whipped around to gape at her boyfriend. Orson held a card in his hand, the look on his face frank but amused, but Bree instinctively denied the existence of such a thing—mostly because she knew it wasn't true. "I have no such card!" she said vehemently.

"Really? Because if you get one more stamp, you get a free lap dance."

Bree crossed the room in less than a second and snatched the card from Orson's fingertips. She could feel his smile even as she looked down at the card, horrified. Indeed, one more strategically placed stamp on the cartoon drawing of a girl and DeeDee would in fact have double Ds. "Oh my God!" she cried, looking at Orson, horrified. "This isn't mine!"

"Now, Bree, there's no sense denying it. This explains why you always come home smelling like cheap perfume and sexy trollop on the weekends."

"Orson Hodge!"

Orson grinned, wrapping his arms around Bree's waist and giving her a quick kiss. "It's okay," he teased. "I like sexy trollops."

Bree shook her head at him, but already the scandal was fading to the back of her mind—not that she wouldn't confront Danielle about it later. She had threatened to get her back for not letting her go to that rock show last weekend. But for now…

"Oh, Orson," she sighed, crinkling the card into a ball in her fist.

"Mm hmm," he murmured, leaning in to kiss her again. "Trollops. Especially the red headed ones."

"Susan, why is there a crucifix in your purse?"

Susan stood abruptly, smacking her head on the kitchen table as she did, and she stared at Mike while rubbing the goose egg that was quickly forming on her skull. "Ow," she whined. And then: "What did you say?"

Mike reached into her bag and pulled out the large crucifix she'd bought at the drug store. "Crucifix…in your purse. What is this?"

"Oh, that's MJ's." Susan crossed the room and took it from him. "Thanks. I almost forgot about that."

"And why does our son need a crucifix?"

"Oh." Susan laughed shakily, setting the cross down on the table and wagging her finger at her husband. "That's funny, actually. You're gonna laugh."

"Susan…"

"Well, remember that vampire movie that was on a couple nights ago."

"The one that you insisted would be sexy and I told you would give you nightmares?"

"So you were right! But come on, how was I supposed to know that not all vampires are sex magnets?"

Mike crossed his arms, giving her that look—the one that said he dreaded where she was headed with this story. She hated that look. Usually he turned out to be right. "Anyway, I was kind of freaked out. So maybe when MJ wandered out of bed, I pulled him down on the couch to keep me company instead of sending him back upstairs."

"You let a seven-year-old watch Dracula?"

"Hey! You were asleep! What did you want me to do?" Her eyes widened and she shook her head. "Don't answer that!"

Mike sighed. "So the crucifix?"

"Well MJ was a little scared, and he asked me to buy him one, so…" Susan shrugged. "It's just a phase. It'll pass."

"Meanwhile our son will probably walk around stinking of garlic for the next month."

"Oh don't worry about that," she said brightly. "I tricked him into thinking that raw potatoes are garlic. That way no one will notice."

Mike just shook his head at her.

"Lynette, why is there a teddy bear in your purse?"

The words didn't register at first, but as Lynette raised her eyes from her work and saw Tom holding the bear's arm by the tips of his fingers, she sprung from the bed and snatched it from him. "You weren't supposed to see that!" she cried, smoothing her hand over the bear's head.

"Okay…" Tom stared at her, clearly waiting for her to elaborate, but Lynette didn't say a word. What was he even rooting through her purse for anyway? "Is there a reason the teddy bear is a secret?"

"Yes."

"And you were hiding him in your purse?"

"Yes."

"Lynette," said Tom seriously, "are you having an affair with the teddy bear?"

She rolled her eyes, smacking him with the bear and then flopping down on the bed. "It was supposed to be for your birthday, you idiot."

"You got me a bear for my birthday?" Tom sat down on the bed next to her, an annoying smirk toying at the corners of his mouth. "Is this something kinky?"

Lynette groaned loudly and thrust the bear at Tom again. "Here," she snapped. "Since you're so nosy you might as well look."

Curiously, Tom took the bear back from her, turning it over in his hands and squeezing it like it held some kind of a bomb. "Oh for God's sake," she barked. "Take the bow off its stomach so you can read what it says."

"What it says?" he muttered, but he did as she said, removing the clumsy green bow she'd stuck on the bear's stomach to cover the embroidered heart. "'I Heart Daddy,'" he read. "So it is something kinky." Lynette covered her face with her hands, wondering if this could possibly have gone any worse; she really didn't think it could have. "Sweetie, I'm not quite sure—"

"We're going to have a baby, Tom. A baby. Not some kind of weird, kinky sex with a teddy bear."

"Ooh. Wait, what? A baby?"

"Yes. You and me and a baby. Is any of this getting through?"

Tom hovered over her, looking at her like he scarcely believed what she was saying. "Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"Oh my God!" He leaned down, kissing her over and over again. "That's amazing! A baby!" He laughed. "Oh God, I love you so much!"

Finally, Lynette smiled. So it hadn't gone as planned. It wasn't like they'd planned the baby either.