Disclaimer: Oh it's still not mine.

Chapter Summary: The untold story of Lee and Bob's breakup told via excerpts from Lee's secret diary.

Coda: Season Seven

A story by Ryeloza

Seven: Business

Assorted excerpts from the diary of Lee L. McDermott

August 8

Saw Bob today. We had a confrontation. He let all of my prize-winning tulips die. The man wouldn't know how to fertilize a flower if his life depended on it (note to self: there's a good joke in there somewhere that has the potential to get under Bree Van de Kamp's skin. Work on that). As if that wasn't enough, the man had to go and rub it in my face that the whole street hates me for renting Susan's house to Paul Young. A leper, he called me. Well, Bob Hunter, we'll see who's a leper after I start telling people that you plan to hand out condoms on Halloween! Ha!

August 13

I was showing the old Young house today, and I just happened to look out the window and you will never guess what I saw! Bob, lounging out on the porch with that skank Julian Touser. Julian was all over him too. Of course. Touching his arm and giggling. It was enough to make me sick. And then on top of that, I lost the sale. Whatever. If those people can't handle a little hissy fit from a grown man then they certainly can't stomach living on the same street as Gabrielle Solis.

August 29

Paul caught me hiding in his bushes today. He wasn't very happy about it. I tried to explain that I have the perfect view right into Bob's kitchen, but Paul didn't seem to care. He said that if I didn't stop, he was going to tell Bob that I've been spying on him (as if! It's only been like five or ten times!). Maybe everyone was right about him. This certainly wouldn't have happened if Susan was still here.

Well of course I promised that Paul would never see me in his yard again. I'm no idiot. The guy is trying to buy up real estate like he's playing monopoly, and I'm certainly not giving up that kind of business. So I offered Celia Solis an ice cream cone if she'd spy for me. That kid is always lurking in bushes anyway. No one will suspect a thing.

September 2

I happened to be driving down Wisteria Lane at 2am tonight and Bob's light was still on! I know what that means! That man never could perform in the dark!

September 3

Tracked down Celia today. She's useless! I asked her who went into the house with Bob last night and all she said was, "Who's Bob?" What is the point of being an innocuous little girl who lurks in bushes if you don't even know who you're spying on? Unsurprisingly, she didn't realize the own futility of her existential existence.

Well, just as I was really starting to rev up (I am a brilliant ranter; really, it's like poetry), Carlos came out of the house because he heard me yelling. Needless to say, I had to run away (which is a shame because running is the one thing that I don't do well; I can't help it—one of my legs is a quarter of an inch longer than the other), and of course right at that moment, Bob had to come out onto the porch. The bastard. It's like he has a sixth sense for when I'm being humiliated. And worst of all, Julian the skank was there! If he's the one Bob slept with, I may as well just die right now.

This is all Celia's fault.

September 13

Paul Young officially owns his old house now. Pro: I made another sale. Con: I won't have a safe place to stare across the street at Bob anymore.

September 19

I ran into Julian the skank at the grocery store today. I may have told him that Bob has gonorrhea. Let's see Bob get any hanky panky now.

God bless STDs.

September 25

I got caught in the bushes again today. Paul wasn't home, so I didn't see the harm, and then out of nowhere Penny Scavo just snuck up behind me and scared me half to death. She had the nerve to say I scream like a little girl (I happen to know I have a very manly yelp), and then she demanded to know what I was doing. Damn kid is just like her mother. But then I thought, the damn kid is just like her mother. Nosy and brainy. Perfect combo. So I asked her to keep an eye on Bob for me.

"Why don't you just make up?" she asked. As if I want to make up with that conceited, pompous, pedestrian jackass. All I want is to see him in eternal pain and loneliness. Is that really too much to ask? But I just told her to mind her own business and find a pair of binoculars.

And then, do you know what she said to me, dear diary? She said that she had better things to do! Like she has some busy fulfilling life. She's a little kid! I'll tell you right now, Celia might be a moron, but at least she never gave me lip. I probably should have kept that part to myself, but it just kind of slipped out. Things kind of got worse from there.

"You're ridiculous," she said to me, rolling her eyes.

"No! You're ridiculous!" I shouted back. I need to learn to stop shouting at these damn kids because someone always hears. The next thing I knew, Lynette came poking around to see what was going on, so I had no choice but to leap into Bob's yard. And that's when I realized the worst: Bob replaced my rose bush with a garden gnome. A GARDEN GNOME! After I begged him for years and years to let me get one of those adorable little guys, he went out and bought one! It was the final straw! I marched right up to the back door and pounded on it for five whole minutes before I realized that it's Monday and this whole time Bob was at work. Damn Bob and his damn normal work schedule. But I got the last laugh! I stole the gnome! And I named him Walter after Bob's brother-in-law, who he hates! HAHAHA! Suck on that one, Hunter!

October 2

Soooooooooo drunk! Tequila is yummy! Do you hear that, Bob? It's the sound of me moving on! Moving on with tequila! Moving on!

October 3

I hate tequila. Worst hangover of my life.

Last night Julian the skank showed up with alcohol and gave me all this bull about how he didn't realize I was taking the breakup as bad as Bob is and blah, blah, blah. Don't judge me, diary. I knew it was a load of crap. But the man had a bottle of tequila. And, honestly, talking to Walter is a little one sided. So I let him in and I got really, really, really drunk. After that things are a little fuzzy. I remember deciding to watch The Sound of Music. I remember kicking Julian out. And I remember…calling Bob? Did I call Bob?

Oh my God…I am pretty sure I called Bob.

Shit!

October 4

Oh diary. I did something phenomenally stupid yesterday. I kind of freaked out after realizing that I called Bob, and I might have (totally did) break into his house so I could erase the message. Okay, breaking in might be a little strong. I still have my key and Bob didn't change the locks. But I did enter without permission, and Bob was there! On a Wednesday! What the hell, right? And he had the nerve to demand to know what I was doing there!

"What am I doing here? What are you doing here?"

"This is my house." Damn that man and his LOGIC.

"Well this used to be my house. And a house never forgets its previous owners. It's true. I know. I sell real estate."

"You've sold one house."

"Uh, THREE! And I also rented Susan's. So suck it, Hunter."

"Right."

"Look," I said, inching toward the answering machine. "I'm only here for one thing."

"Is this about that message you left last night? Because it was mostly gibberish. Something about Walter? Did you see him somewhere?"

"No! For your information, Walter is your garden gnome!"

"What garden gnome?"

"WHAT GARDEN GNOME?" Bob doesn't really listen when I scream, but I was kind of pissed. And maybe still a little drunk. "Well with that kind of attitude, it's no wonder you're ALONE!"

And then I stormed out. So at least I got the last word. Everyone knows that's all that really matters in an argument. But if I'm going to tell the truth…

No. I'm not going to.

October 10

I returned Walter today. Left him on Bob's porch. It wasn't for any stupid, sentimental reason either. Just that gnomes don't belong sitting on the kitchen counter of a single man. They deserve better. They deserve big, open gardens with lots of room to roam. He'll be happier there.

October 17

Renee Perry is having a Halloween party. I'm sure Bob must be going, so I am too. I'm going to show him exactly what he's missing!

November 1

Bob wasn't at the party last night. On top of that, the party was totally lame. Renee showed up in the same costume as me (as if it wasn't obvious that I was going to be Marilyn; pfsh!), and all of the guests were so mellow. No one got trashed. There was no dancing. Lame. Lame. Lame. I just know that everyone was gossiping about how much better my and Bob's parties used to be. That'll teach Renee to encroach on my territory.

Then on top of that, Susan dumped MJ on my hands and made me walk him over to McCluskey's. She was pissed too, though, because Renee didn't invite her to the party, so she invited me in and the two of us stayed up late drinking beer and gossiping about the neighbors. I have missed so much since I moved off of that street! Bree is dating some hottie who is like twenty years younger than she is! I didn't know she had it in her!

I ended up passing out on her couch. When I left this morning, Bob was just leaving for work. He waved but I pretended not to see him.

Crappy Halloween.

November 5

I heard through the grapevine that Bob is out with some Latino hottie! Who is this? I must find out! We don't even know any Latino hotties!

November 7

Gaby spilled the beans today. Bob is out with CARLOS! This is a disaster! God, why did I cut Celia out of the loop! I need her now more than ever!

Damn it!

November 9

Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? I've been hiding out in my car watching the house for like three hours now. WHERE IS HE?

November 10

I may as well face it. I've lost him forever. Carlos wins. I'll just have to move in with Gaby and the two of us can spend the rest of our days shopping and mourning our losses (mine is so much more tragic than hers). I guess I should just be happy that it was Carlos and not Tom or Mike or Roy (you never know—Bob has lost his damn mind!) because there's no way I could move in with any of those other women and live out a sexless existence of dampening my misery with alcohol and show tunes.

Where is my Cabaret soundtrack?

November 11

Made up (out) with Bob today. I know what you're thinking: I had totally moved on and was living a very happy and fulfilling life. But you have to understand, you just can't fight sexual attraction like Bob and I have. It's just like when we met. He was dating Ned and I was totally involved that unrequited love affair with Mario Lopez, but from the moment we laid eyes on each other we just couldn't deny our passion. Plus we belong together. We're like the Ricardos of Wisteria Lane (idea: be Lucille Ball for Halloween next year? Ask Bree where she gets her hair dyed).

Tomorrow Bob is going to hire three strong men to move my stuff back. And I get to supervise. Best day ever.

God, spying is going to be so much easier now that I'm home.

Note: must send Gaby a fruit basket. Or shoe basket. Look into that.

Most importantly: Carlos has nothing on me. No one is hotter than Lee (it's true…Bob told me).

It's so good to be home.