Author's Note: Warning: Cheesiness ahead. Oh, yeah, I'm so totally unoriginal that I stole a clip of my other fanfic. If you want full experience of this chapter, listen to the song. If not, then fine. Don't experience it all the way. Ha ha, jk... Eh hem... In other news, I have replaced the first chapter with a much better written one. Happy reading anyhow

How is it that we, how is it that now,
How is it that the two of us ended up here?
-It's First Love, IU&Na Yoon Kwon

Chapter Seventeen

It'd been one week since the whole napping fiasco (because if I put sleeping, that'd sound a bit… intense…) and all of the character development we'd worked so hard on just flew out the window to my immense dissatisfaction.

We'd reverted back to tension-filled air and snapping electricity, though it was a bit different than when we'd first moved in together. Both of us were very fidgety near each other, and unconsciously, we put space between us physically and mentally. Neither of us could stand in a room together for five minutes before one of us made an excuse to leave.

To get my mind off of Shinji, I'd started engaging myself in ferocious study sessions. Although Shinji went out of his way every now and again to "teach" me, as he called it, for most of the time, we silently decided it'd be best if we avoided each other for a while. Anyways, winter break was nearing and tests were coming up. If I wanted to win that bet with Kasumi, I would have to give it my all. (Actually, I can't afford a pink diamond)

Both Haruka and Kasumi had noticed my change in study habits, and though they used to look at me with a knowing expression on their faces whenever I was deep into a book or my notes, they were completely surprised at my 180 degree turn.

"Who are you," Haruka teased, standing behind me as I tried concentrating on Physics one day in the library, "and what've you done with our Hikari?" "Oh, knock off." I said in a grumpy voice. My brain wasn't cooperating with me on this particular day.

"Do you not get something?" She asked in a curious voice as she pulled up a seat next to me, "What happened to Shinji tutoring you?" At which a hoped I wasn't blushing furiously.

And there it was again with another damn knowing expression.

"Would you stop that?" I whispered vehemently as I slammed my book on the desk. The librarian looked over the top of her glasses in a warning stare that I was not a stranger to.

"What're you talking about?" Haruka asked in an alarmed tone.

Like she didn't even know.

"You always have that damn expression on your face," I hissed, red in the cheeks, "like you know something that I don't." Her hand flew to her face in a surprised gesture. "Oh!" She exclaimed quietly, "Is it that easy to figure out?"

"What're you talking about?" I asked. "No," She said shaking her head, "what are you talking about?"

"W-what?" I stammered.

"It's useless to hide it." Haruka said passively, messing with her bangs, "We both know how it is with you and Shinji." At this, she threw me a knowing glance that just made my anger thermometer grow a bit more.

"There's nothing going on between me and Shinji." I grumbled, picking up my Physics textbook once again. "Aww, c'mon!" She said in a pleading tone, stretching across the table in a cat-like manner, "Don't deny that there's something between you and Mr. Grumpy-pants."

"Seriously?"

"Just because I'm 17, it doesn't mean I can't resort to name-calling like any other 6 year old."

I just raised one eyebrow. Shinji had really started rubbing off on me. Well, I suppose there was no chance in denying it.

"So what?" I asked in a tone that stated I didn't care one bit though I was feeling quite the opposite. Haruka perked up at that. "So, you two are together?" "Of course not." I stated, giving her a pointed look, "It just means that there's something between Shinji and me."

Haruka pouted.

"But if it's not love, then what is it?" She wondered. I sputtered.

"L-love?"

She glanced in my direction before turning back to staring aimlessly off into space. "I've been there," She said with a sigh, "done that." I could feel her focus fading from me, and shook her back to earth. "It's not love, it's a crush." I said, "It's just infatuation; you know how we are at this age. We bounce back quick." Though I had a strange feeling in my chest that I was trying to convince myself more than her; and strangely, it felt like I was lifting a great burden off my chest, so I guess it worked.

"Hikari," She said it so clearly and full of control that I immediately looked at her, "I really hope what you said was right." And she walked away.

My jaw dropped in disbelief as I saw her disappear behind a shelf and wondered how she could just leave like that without clearing a few things up first; but I quickly decided that that was what Haruka did, and if she didn't do it, it simply would not be Haruka.

After a few hours of actual successful studying, I sighed and told myself that it was time to go home. I scanned the library to find it mostly empty and the librarian asleep.

I took as much time as possible getting back home, kicking snow every now and again to relieve my boredom. Taking the long way home, I decided I would visit my old house; see how it was doing with new people and, you know, just check up on it.

I was satisfied to find that it looked just like it always did.

Bright lights adorned the rim of the roof and a wreath hung on the door. From the window, I could see a family putting up ornaments on a Christmas tree and I sighed in longing. It was December already.

And as I stood there, an indescribable feeling came over me. Something was off about this place.

I stared for a few more minutes before I became aware of the fact that a person staring into a window of a perfectly normal house would not come across well with the authorities and started back for home.

Home…

I guess that was it.

That old place wasn't home anymore; it was house, but it wasn't my house or home. It was somebody else's. I had another place to go when I had a bad day and another room to collapse in when I was sick with a fever.

This feeling of awareness suffocated me, and I had a strong need to sit and cool down for a bit.

I found a bench nearby (because Tobari City is littered with them) and rested my head on the back board for a second. Seconds felt like minutes and minutes like hours. Who knew how long I sat there? I was aware of how dark it was getting, and how late it was, but I didn't want to go back home, which was weird. Home was where you wanted to go back to dammit!

I threw my head into my hands and screamed in frustration.

This was it.

This was the point of no return, I realized that now.

I could feel my heart thudding again my chest, as though it would burst out at any second. I didn't like this one bit. I wished it would go away. I wished that I had never agreed to sharing a room with Shinji. I was positive that I wouldn't be feeling this right now if I hadn't made that one fleeting decision in the first place. I really wished…

I lifted my head from my hands.

"This is where you were?" Shinji panted, "Do you know how late it is?"

I resisted the urge to grab onto my chest as my heart started beating faster and faster and instead put up a pathetic smile. "Were you worried?" I teased. Shinji grumbled about women as he sat on the bench to catch his breath. "No, I was just wondering if some girl-napper managed to take you." He snapped; and I chuckled under my breath as I remembered that night.

"I still have your spoon." I said with a smile. "If anyone else had been around to hear that, they might have gotten the wrong idea." He said disdainfully. My smile grew larger.

We sat a while in strained silence.

"Hey, don't you think-" I started, but he cut me off.

"Let's forget about that." He said. I looked at him curiously, honestly confused.

"What are you talking about?" I asked tentatively.

"Last week," He said slowly, "it's not going to happen again, just pretend that even never occurred. It was a coincidence anyways and it's not like anything happened." I was thoroughly taken aback by what he had just said. Though at other times, I might have agreed with them, what he said really bothered me and I felt my anger start to grow.

"What, we wake up in each other's arms, and you just want to forget about it?" I asked angrily.

"What are you getting so worked up about?" Shinji asked, giving me a confused look. "Nothing." I spat, "Absolutely nothing. Let's just go back home." And without protest (though he still had confusion written all over his face) we walked back home, the air around us filled with tension.

Another few days passed, and now, the whole school was freaking out about tests and such. I, on the other hand, was fully confident in my studying and was rather calm about the whole idea, though it was rather amusing to watch Kasumi.

"Don't bother me, I'm studying." She recited as I approached her.

"Isn't it usually the other way around?" I asked, amusement laced into my tone. "Yeah, well," she said, still not looking at me, "are you prepared for tests?" "Are you kidding me?" I asked in disbelief, "What do you think I've been doing ever since we made that bet?"

Kasumi looked up wildly.

"Bet?" She asked, "What bet?" I sighed in exasperation. "You know," I said slowly, "that bet we made a few months back, what with me getting into the top ten- you know what? Never mind."

"Oh," Her eyes dawned with realization, "I remember; yeah, that too. Anyways, I'm busy. Why don't you go on and flirt with Shinji or something." She turned back to her studies, too deep into her notes to see the shocked expression on my face.

I huffed angrily. I suppose everyone knew. I shouldn't be surprised, I wasn't totally blind to how I had acted ever since I'd noticed this feeling; but I walked on anyways, deciding that it was best to leave Kasumi with her beloved textbooks.

Life was a total bore.

I stopped by the library before going back home to flick past pages of my textbook. Just in case; but it was stuff I already knew.

I was surprised at myself, yet I remained strangely calm about it. Looking back at myself since June- July whatever- that time when I moved in with Shinji, I had become much more of a laid-back person. Too laid back and too damn observant.

Damn… I really liked using that word.

"Are you going to stare at that page forever?" I heard a voice behind me ask in a familiar monotone voice.

"Shuck off." I mumbled into my hand. "That's a new word." Shinji said. I could see his expression in my head as I said that, and I closed my eyes as if doing that could shut him out.

"What're you doing here?" I asked in a strange voice, "Aren't you the one who's all about maintaining distance in school?" But, I knew what it was all about; and I was a bit happy about it. I could clearly tell that that napping episode had made an impact on him like it had done to me; but I could also see him trying very hard to forget about it, and make amends. Amends to what, I didn't know. I was never aware of the rift that it had caused between us; but I was happy that he was trying to fix it, however unliked of him that was.

"Exams are coming up." He stated simply. "I already know everything." I grumbled. "Well, why don't we just make sure." He said, snatching my workbook before I could protest. I pouted as he looked over my work, pointing out all my mistakes and bad handwriting.

"How on earth are you supposed to keep track of your equations like that?" He asked in disbelief, "It's a wonder how you got the correct answer to that one." "It's how I roll." I said, satisfied at what seemed like a compliment from Shinji (or as close as Shinji can get).

We studied for a few hours more before I declared that I was tired and would much rather go home. Shinji simply waved me off and told me to go home by myself as he would stay in the library, and as I was walking home, I wondered when we had started acting like such a couple.

Was it a good thing or a bad thing? I didn't know. Everything was so confusing. All that Shinji was involved in was an exception to my rules of life.

I covered more of my face with my scarf until my nose disappeared.

I wanted another bench to sit in, but I knew that thinking was dangerous and instead looked forward to getting home to read some more depressing manga that Kasumi had lent me. (Before she went into her studying mode, that is)

I was right. The manga was really depressing, but I successfully managed to keep my sobbing to a minimum. Ahh, I was really a sucker when it came to this stuff. Normally you wouldn't take me for a cheesy, romance whore, but it was my guilty pleasure.

"Again?" I heard Shinji say as he caught me from the door.

"It's so depressing." I sniffed.

"Aww, don't worry Hikari," I heard another voice call and I dropped my manga in surprise, "it ends all happy and stuff." Shinji let out an irritated groan and I sighed as I picked up my manga again. Jun was really annoying, but I was strangely glad to see him. He was just the sort of comic relief I needed at a time like this.

"Hi!" he said, inviting himself in, completely oblivious to the death glare Shinji was giving him, "I was visiting my gramps again when I thought, 'Hey! My best buds Shinji and Hikari live here! Maybe I should give them a visit!'." I wasn't sure whether he was being sarcastic about the best buds part.

"I thought I told you never to come here again?" Shinji said; but Jun just laughed it off, calling him silly! Completely unheard of; but I giggled lightly anyways, just for the sake of it. Jun seemed to be the only one that could get any kind of rise out of Shinji.

"Are you going to be staying for dinner?" I asked him while he was in the middle of explaining his next story; Shinji gave me a pointed glare which I ignored, I didn't really want to eat dinner with only him for company. It would've been too awkward.

"Aw, you're too kind," Jun said, clearly embarrassed, "but I have to go keep my gramps company. He's probably still waiting for me the poor old bugger. But, what'm I gonna do?"

"Yes, yes," Shinji said, "that's very sad, now why don't you go now?" "I really do." Jun said, getting up (the sarcasm was lost to him), "Sorry Hikari, maybe next time." "Or not." I heard Shinji mutter. "Well, that's too bad, maybe next time." I repeated, ignoring him.

Jun left, and all was silent as I got dinner ready.

I was right, dinner was extremely awkward when it was just the two of us; and finally, I was at breaking point.

"I can't forget about it." I said suddenly (and quite loudly).

"Huh?" He grunted as he reached over to pick up a pickled cucumber.

"I don't get it," I said in an irritated fashion, "how can you be so damn calm about it?" Finally he caught on and said, "It's not really a big deal. Bodies crave for warmth all the time, obviously we'd gravitate towards each other if we were sleeping." He continued eating.

Gravitate.

What a perfect way to put it.

"And," He continued, "It's obviously bothering you, so I just thought it'd be best to forget about it. Ever since it happened it's like daily PMS for you. You just keep getting louder and louder. Stupid…"

"It's not like it didn't affect you like it did me." I scoffed as I resumed eating, "You're just doing a more awesome job of hiding it than me." The conversation should've been very awkward, but it was strangely very easy. It just seemed like a regular dinner conversation.

"And of course you would know that." He responded sarcastically, "So we woke up next to each other; it only happened once, and what did you expect? For us to get married? You're just overreacting."

We ate the rest of our dinner in silence; but the conversation was a kind of relief for me. At least I had said what I'd wanted to say, that was good enough for me.

After about an hour of just turning over in bed, I gave up on sleep and walked out of the living room and turned on the television in hopes of finding something decent to watch. I don't know why I didn't expect it, but I flinched as I heard Shinji come out of his room; and suddenly it was déjà vu.

"You're still up?" He asked, weariness heavy on his tongue. "What about you?" I retorted, my eyes still focused on the screen, "A-anyways, it's not like we have school tomorrow or anything." "And it's not like we don't have tests first thing on Monday." He said, "I just need a drink of water."

I was surprised at how easily he was answering my questions. Just one week ago, he would've told me off for being too nosy. I wondered if something had changed about him.

Lots of things ran through my head as he walked to get his water, and I could feel time slowing down on me.

I felt that if there was any time to do what I was thinking of, it was right now, right here; but I didn't really want to do it. It was too risky, too dangerous. It was a leap of faith; and Shinji was right, I was making a really big deal out of something really small, but I was afraid.

I heard Shinji take his first gulp of water and I felt my own throat start getting dry.

Thoughts of what to do swam through my head, and everything became dizzy. Was this the effects of liking someone? Or maybe it was something different that I was feeling? Something much more complicated than 'boy likes girl' and vice versa?

This was no good; I was starting to think complicated thoughts again.

"Are you okay?" Shinji asked.

I noticed how tight I was holding the remote, and how my hand was shaking. "It's just really cold." I excused. "Even under the kotatsu?" He asked with a hint of teasing.

I managed to crack a smile at that.

He made a move to head back to his room, and before I knew it, I heard the words escaping my lips.

"Hey, can I try something?"

His eyes deceived suspicion and he cautiously asked, "What?" "Just something." I responded. I looked at him then and patted the seat next to me.

"How about I go to bed to get some sleep?" He said. "I'm just experimenting a bit," I said innocently, "it's not like I'm going to murder you or anything." "Hm." He grunted. "Just sit down."

He sat down, though a bit further away than I would've liked.

"Now close your eyes." I commanded.

"Are you sure you're not going to murder me?" He asked. I thought he was making fun of me at first, but then I saw the look on his face. "No, I'm not going to murder you." I said, rolling my eyes, "Who else is going to pay the other half of the rent if you're gone?"

"I don't feel like it." He said, turning his head away from me. "Stop being such a wuss and just do it." I sighed, "I told you I wasn't going to kill you, isn't that reassurance enough?" "Oh, yeah," he scoffed, "That's plenty of reassurance. I think I can completely trust you now." But he closed his eyes anyways.

My heart raced, and I couldn't breathe.

This was it.

It was now or never.

So why was I backing away? No! I was supposed to go for it! This was my chance! My chance to see… to see what?

His lips were strangely capturing, and something tugged in the depths of my memories as I stared at them.

I tried not to breathe out too much as I neared them; still, something was tugging, pulling, I was forgetting something. I was sure about it. For a minute, I pulled back again. Something in the back of my mind was telling me I couldn't do this again. Again? This was all so confusing.

"Well…?" Shiji asked, eyes still closed.

I couldn't keep him waiting. Waiting for what? I had momentarily forgotten, but I bit my lip and tried again.

I was really close now; my eyelashes nearly brushed his nose. I knew he could feel me this close.

Why wasn't he moving away?

Was the same thing going on in his head that was going on in my head? Questions swarmed in my brain, but I was going to leave everything unanswered and just focus on now.

The rational part of my brain and every inch of my body was telling me not to do it, but I was going to do it. Something just… told me… that I would regret it if I didn't do this now; but another thing told me that I would regret it if I did do this.

But do what? I asked myself.

But I knew what I was doing; what I was going to do, and I wanted to do it, so I did it.

It was for a moment.

For just one, fleeting moment, our lips pressed together; it wasn't a deep kiss, our mouths weren't moving, they just stayed together.

I had closed my eyes so I didn't know if his eyes were open; but for one enrapturing second, we were kissing.

Then we heard someone gasp from the doorway.

We pulled apart and a string of curses flew from Shinji's mouth, but I couldn't care less; because that one second had answered everything.

I was aware that Jun had caught us, I knew what I would have to face at school the day after next (besides tests that is), and I knew that whatever comforting air around me and Shinji we'd been desperately grasping at ever since we woke up together had disappeared into thin air; but only a few things really mattered at this point.

I'd been at the point of no return, staring over a cliff.

I'd taken the leap of faith; but I'd missed the other side entirely. I was unsure if there even was another side I could've reached because now, I was falling into a deep, dark abyss.

I was falling, down, down, down into the forever blackness.

And there was only one word for it.