Author's Note: Oh god, angst much? Sorry, but this is how I need to get the story going. Oh, and I'm sorry for the confusion with the whole door thing, I'm an irresponsible author. Happy reading? Or maybe sad reading…. Guess what? Yup, that's right, one more chapter to go.

When I wake up, the dream isn't done I wanna see your face and know I made it home
If nothing is true, what more can I do?
I am still painting flowers for you
-Painting Flowers, All Time Low

Once upon a time not so long ago, a girl sat, trapped in her tower.

She was perfectly content with her life.

Sure, she was practically grounded for all eternity, but at least she had a small window to look out. That window answered all of her questions.

So she never asked for more.

But that prince she'd never wanted just had to come prancing along.

Well, okay; not prancing, exactly. More like sulking. So yeah…

He comes sulking along and… well… she got curious. Because this wasn't something that the window could exactly answer.

So when that prince asks her to let down her hair (or more like demand), instead of letting him come in, she goes out.

Of course, whether or not the prince safely catches her in his arms is a totally different story. Or if they even ride off into the sunset. I'll never know.

I'd been sure I'd locked the door, but apparently, I hadn't.

I got a severe lecture from Shinji after that.

And just like that, everything went back to normal.

"I knocked a few times!" Jun responded defensively, "No one was answering, but I could clearly see the light coming from the bottom of the door!"

I really couldn't care less.

He never asked what happened between us.

I suppose he was uncomfortable about this as much as we were, because no one brought it back up. So I would never be able to know exactly what would happen after.

Trust Jun to ruin a moment.

That was okay though, because at least we were back to normal. Shinji and me, I mean. As long as that wasn't gone, I thought it was all going to be okay. I wouldn't need anything more.

Who was I kidding?

My inner girl was just dying to find out what he felt after that move. Did he like it? Hate it? Confused? Regretful? Because that was how I was feeling right now.

I was not happy at all that I had jumped from that tower.

Why in the world had I let curiosity get the better of me?

I hadn't just killed that cat, I'd completely mangled it. That thing was road kill.

So days turned into weeks, and soon, (too soon if you ask me) those weeks accumulated into a month.

Winter break had started.

On the upside, no school.

On the downside, no school.

That meant hours of spending time with Shinji alone in an apartment room, because god knows how many friends he has. I didn't know what my friends were doing, but each had called in busy.

But that was okay, because everything had gone back to normal dammit!

Despite that, sometimes, I'd find my head in my hands, looking down at the floor.

I was still falling from that tower, and I didn't know when I'd hit the ground, or find a pair of warm, strong arms around me. I was hoping for neither.

The other option, that one impossible option, was for me to go back in time and never have jumped from the tower to begin with, but of course that was out of the question. But if that prince pretended I was still back in the tower, did it mean that he wasn't going to catch me?

Because the reality was, I was still falling.

And I was terrified.

Of both options, not just being rejected.

There were times where my heart ached, just looking at him; hoping, beyond all hopes that he would say something about what had happened that day in November. A girl can't be left hanging like this, it'd drive her mad!

There were so many things I wanted to scream.

And sure, I was probably acting like an overdramatic prima donna, but the last thing I wanted was- oh god, cheesy line coming up- my heart to be broken.

I'd gotten a bit attached to him after all these months of living together; sometimes everything would go rushing by, and I felt as though I was watching a freight train. Sometimes I tried to convince myself everything was a dream, because, truthfully, that's what it felt like.

Falling in love is scary.

I thought it'd be simpler than this.

The worst part is that I'm acting like this when it's so simple: just grab him.

But I'm hesitating, and I don't want to admit that I feel that way about him, because, well, I don't want anything to change. What we had was sturdy, a good base structure, something that couldn't be swayed.

Love…

It was too unpredictable.

And I knew Shinji enough to know that he didn't like unpredictable.

There were times when he'd slightly linger over my hand when I passed him the remote, or the salt, or whatever. Times where he looked like he was going to touch my face or my hair, but those moments came to pass, and we pretended like it never felt like it was going to happen.

So, time passed like that.

We were playing a game of pretend; and I don't think he realized he was hurting me while playing it.

Once, just once, Jun tried to bring it up.

He didn't do it very subtly, but he asked me what had been going on when he walked in.

"Barged in." I corrected, then I walked away.

Then, I'm brought back to the present as a hand roughly shakes me from my pondering.

"I said pass the remote." Shinji says, his eyes scrutinizing me, as though something is wrong with me.

"Sorry." I murmur, as I pass him the remote.

There it is again.

His hand is taking too long. Just grab the remote!

He takes it away and changes the channel, but I'm not paying attention because it's probably something like the news or the weather.

It doesn't take a genius to know it'll be snowing on Christmas.

Christmas.

That's two days from now.

Mom was supposed to be coming back, but her job had kept her away for this year. I hadn't minded, I'd promised Haruka I'd celebrate with her, and she'd insisted that we celebrate at my apartment, which wasn't really a problem because Shinji was going to celebrate with Reiji anyways.

Thank god.

I wondered why Shinji wasn't moving back into his house. Shirona was gone anyways, and it wasn't like it caused him too much pain to be around her anymore. He didn't even act like she was his first love.

And just like that, I'm brought back to the 'now' again as our shoulders accidentally brush. The spot burns, and I can't breathe.

I stand up suddenly.

"I'm going out." I say almost robotically, and I turn away and head towards my room.

I'm painfully aware of his stare digging into my back, but I can't bring myself to meet his gaze; something I would've done with ease (if not with a challenging look) months ago.

"Try not to get kidnapped," Shinji calls as I walk out the door, my coat and boots on, "it'd be troublesome for me to pay for the rent alone."

I blush and smile (my first real smile in a while) and say I'll be careful.

It'd be bad if I took those words to heart, so I try to forget them as soon as possible. Something quite easy to do as I feel the frigid winter air coat over my face, making my face redder than it already is.

I stretch my arms up to the sky, reaching for the falling flakes, and I stare, mouth slightly open at the endless blackness, being littered with white. I smile, because for once, this dark night seems inviting. Offering me freedom.

I don't know where I walk, but no one's out tonight.

No couples in the park, a few shoppers finally out buying Christmas gifts, but the city seems to be sleeping.

I kind of like it.

I walk, and I hit this edge.

Of course I climb down it.

And I'm faced with an endless clearing.

I sit down on one of those conveniently place benches that litter the city and I stare, because that's all it seems like I'm doing these days.

Suddenly, I snap to attention and look around for any people, but there are none.

I take a deep breath, and I scream.

Not a scream, but you know, I scream words.

"YOU BASTARD!" I start, it feels good, "WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER ME!" Oh, but I don't stop there.

"TELL ME SOMETHING! ANYTHING! I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!"

Oh dear, now I feel like crying.

Someone's probably heard me by now, but I don't care. Who can find this sort of place anyways? The whole area seems like it hasn't been visited in ages. Like an abandoned part of the park.

"NOW YOU'RE MAKING A GIRL CRY!" I continue, "YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE CALLED A MAN ANYMORE!"

No one replies, not even my echo; but I tense as I hear my voice sweep across the clearing, doomed to be lost in the darkness forever.

Then, I start laughing.

Because it feels like the world's been lifted off my shoulders, and because I know someone's staring at me from that ledge I climbed down.

"You need to stop finding me like this, huh?" I ask Shinji.

"I called you a few times." He says simply, "You wouldn't answer."

"Why would you call me?" I ask, quickly wiping away the tears running down my face.

"I forgot to buy Reiji a gift, I was going to ask you if you'd buy it while you were out," he responds, no emotion detected, "but I see I would've been disturbing your scream fest. By all means, carry on."

"Oh, shut up." I say with a weak smile.

He turns to leave and I, startled, call, "You're just going to leave me here?"

His face appears again, "I'm waiting for you to get up, stupid girl."

I wish he wouldn't be this way.

If he didn't show me this side of him, then I wouldn't have so much trouble trying to get him out of my head. If only he went back to being cold, and mean, and… and… mysterious. Somewhere along the way, I'd gotten to know him enough to know that deep down, he wouldn't leave me here.

And that he's pretending that he didn't understand a word of what I was screaming just now, that douche bag.

"Coming?" He asks, his eyes still emotionless, but his voice just daring me to say no.

"Yeah, yeah, be a bit patient." I call back, getting ready to heave myself over, but I find I don't have to as I feel a warm hand grab my wrist and pull me up.

"You shouldn't be so nice." I murmur to myself unconsciously.

"Well, if I weren't people like you would die unnecessarily." He retorts.

I laugh.

It really has gotten a bit comfortable between us. Almost like- do I dare say it?- friends. And that doesn't really bother me. Sarcasm is always a plus side for me.

Smiling to myself, I think about our situation. Well, more specifically, my situation. I'm almost thinking back to that time where we were trapped in that haunted chateau.

Sure it had scared the hell out of me, but I'd like to think of that as our starting point of friendship/ love drama thing. Stupid soap operas are getting to my head.

We're back home, and I'm wondering whether or not Shinji ever got that present for Reiji, but I push that to the very back of my head, because I shouldn't care about that sort of stuff.

Well, that's what I'd like to think (let's cast that into that huge pile of other stuff I'd like to think) but I'm feeling kind of guilty as I watch Shinji walk out on 10 PM, Christmas eve as he's getting ready to visit Reiji empty handed.

"I told you I could cook something for you to take." I sigh when he complains about stupid, loud girls that deprive older brothers of presents.

He doesn't even look back and wave as he heads out. Not that he'd done it before.

As soon as he's gone, I start tidying up the place; because, technically speaking… Shinji doesn't know that Haruka is coming over.

But despite all the worries I have and all the problems stuck in my head, I manage to forget them as I see Haruka's smiling face, staring at me like I'm her best friend in the world. Well, I am.

"It's always so fun coming here!" She squeals as she stretches on my couch.

Okay…

Our couch.

"I feel really bad about taking you away from your family this Christmas." I say as I lay some snacks on the table, "I really could've just went over you know."

"No need." Haruka says, rolling her eyes, "Mom wants me out this Christmas. In fact, she's currently having this delusion about how this whole thing visiting you is a cover up for spending Christmas with a boy."

"Boys," I repeat, "ha!"

"Speaking of…" Haruka says, leaving her sentence open ended, but her expression tells me everything.

"Nothing is going on between us." I say in an exasperated voice.

"What?" she says innocently, "I didn't say anything." "You didn't have to say anything." I sigh, "I could read that expression on your face."

"Oooh," she whines, "I want to hear about some progress! It's so boring these days, and truthfully, I just want to see some happy endings going on around here."

"Create your own happy ending." I say.

She blushes at my words, but she goes straight back to me. It startled me, in fact, that she'd gotten from point A to point B so fast.

"I know you're hiding something." She says in a serious tone.

And it's not even a kind of playful serious, it's like, 'I can see right through you and I know what's going on, but if you won't tell me, I'm just going to have to force you.' It was kind of scary coming from air-headed Haruka.

I remain silent.

Lying doesn't exactly come naturally to me.

But I can't stand that she looks hurt when I hesitate. "Of course, you don't have to tell me." She says, angling herself into a more comfortable position on the couch.

Damn, this wasn't how I envisioned my Christmas.

Not with me bawling my eyes out, and feeling kind of good about it.

And especially not with me admitting something to my friend, something I didn't even want to admit to myself until I was, well, falling, falling, falling, and getting ready to hit the ground.

"You just kissed him." She said in a comforting voice, "It's okay, it's not the end of the world, you'll kiss a whole bunch of other guys in your lifetime; and I bet they'll be a thousand times better than that asshole, don't worry."

It wasn't enough to make me feel better, but I appreciated that she'd swear for me.

"And it's not like you felt anything after that anyways." She's still stroking my head as I freeze, "You can come live at my house until you've graduated. It's all cool."

"Well, it's not like I said I didn't feel anything." I say, pushing the pause button on my sobbing for a moment. Haruka stops petting me and looks at me with an incredulous look she probably didn't mean to have.

"Don't tell me that you've gotten serious about him?" She asks, "I mean I knew you liked him, but I don't think he's a good person to, you know, like like over."

I stare at her blankly.

"What?" I ask, eyebrows scrunched together.

"Never mind." She says, waving me off, "The point is… well, okay… Why don't you clarify what it is exactly that you're trying to say.

"I don't think it's entirely impossible to say…" I start, each word getting fainter and fainter as I try explaining this feeling to her, "I mean, it wouldn't be that surprising if, you know, I kinda…"

"You love him." She says bluntly.

"I what?" I ask, startled, when in actuality, she's taken the words right out of my mouth, but a part of me wants to stall. It's useless, because I already know, but I think I'm trying to deny it one last time.

The last stand.

"I wouldn't exactly say…" I trail off, and I'm silent for a moment.

"Love is a strong word." I murmur, so quietly I'm afraid she didn't hear me.

"It's the right word." She corrects, pointing a finger up in the air as though she's a teacher, teaching a student the error of their ways, "It's the only word. Why are you denying it? It's not like you."

And I got angry, because I knew she was right.

For some reason, I was denying love with the entirety of my being.

Maybe it was because I knew it wouldn't last, that if I got caught up too much in one person, I'd do something to anger God or something and he'd take them away from me.

Just like dad.

I didn't think I could feel that pain again. And that was just my pain, I couldn't even begin to imagine how mom had felt after dad died.

Great, now I'm being all angsty and sort of coming to terms with my past. Just like that damn manga. Life could be a bitch sometimes.

"Well, if I made you bring up some unpleasant past or something… you don't have to admit it." She said nonchalantly, but I could see that through her façade, she was just dying for me to confess. Sometimes she really knew how to push my buttons, and push them hard. But she was right. I had to admit it.

"It's too scary." I admitted, "I don't like this feeling." "Don't we all?" She sighed. "I feel like I'm not in control anymore, like I don't have the right to do anything. The only thing I can think about is him and how he'd do this or handle this or what he'd say if I did do whatever it was I was thinking of doing." Oh dear, not the waterworks.

But she's staring at me intently, and everything comes pouring out, not just the story, but everything.

Haruka's just the kind of person that will listen to all of someone's problem. I guess that's why everyone likes her so much.

"So what are you trying to say?" She asks gently, pressing a hand to my back, something my mother used to do when I was trying to apologize about something that was totally not my fault. It kind of made me actually want to admit to her that I did indeed have some sort of feeling like love for Shinji. Something beyond something insignificant like a crush. A feeling I wanted to hold onto.

"Yeah… I guess… I love him?" I say sheepishly, still crying.

"Oh c'mon!" Haruka says, excited, hitting my back as though if she hit me hard enough, I would start coughing off courage.

"Okay, okay, I love Shinji."

And with absolutely perfect timing, we spot someone coming in just as the words leave my mouth. I can't say with absolute certainty that he heard what I'd just said, but before he can give any sort of explanation (though knowing him, he wouldn't even try), I grab my coat and still with my slippers on, I push past him and run out the door.

I can hear someone calling out my name, but it's not Shinji. I know that with certainty.

There's not much I do once I get outside.

I breathe deeply a few times, but I don't cry. Crying makes me weak, I've figured that out now. The last thing for me to do is cry. Nothing happens when I do it. Some people would pity me or be sympathetic, but I'm not going to get anything I want by crying.

That Christmas, I walk home with Haruka and celebrate the rest of the joyous holiday at her house. And her family welcomes me with open arms though her mom is just a tad disappointed when she finds out that Haruka was indeed spending Christmas with a friend and not with a boy as she'd believed.

In fact, I stay at her house longer than I probably should.

Of course, her parents don't mind, saying that they love having me over and all the other stuff parents say to their children's friends; I know that they mean this sincerely, but I can't help but think I'm overstaying my welcome. And in the deep, inner crevices of my head, a boy's voice (or maybe I should call him a man?) echoes, agreeing that no one wants so much noise staying at their house for too long.

And I almost cry.

I don't return back home until New Years Eve.

Haruka and her family had protested of course, saying I could stay with them until school started again, but I knew that I should probably get back home and make sure Shinji didn't starve while I was gone.

However much I didn't want to believe it, it'd be problematic if he did, and I'd be a bit sad.

Just a little bit.

Besides, I'd purposely scheduled my coming home while he was still at work, that way, the meeting would be a tad less awkward, but I guess his work had given him a break, because he was home.

"Oh, you're back." He said, glancing at me for a little bit.

I still didn't know whether he had heard me or not, but something in my gut told me he had heard loud and clear. A bit too loud and clear.

It was especially painful to go back to what we had this time, but I tried to revert to my original, sarcastic, cynical self.

But I have to give myself credit.

I made it till dinner.

Then I guess I just snapped. Well, not snapped, that's kind of an overstatement, I just gave up.

"I know you heard what I said." I say in a tired voice, "Just admit it, you heard everything."

"I don't know what you're talking about." He says in an especially cold voice. A voice that signifies the end to the conversation, but I'm tired you know, and a tired girl is like a girl on PMS I always say, even if no one else does.

"You heard what I said," I repeated, "please don't hide it. See? I even added a please in there. I've even said the magic word." The one word that you've been trying to get out of me since we moved in together.

"Good job," he scoffed, "you've managed to remember all the lessons of a purple, dancing dinosaur."

And we were back to that tower thing.

I was still falling.

In fact, I was dreadfully close to hitting the ground.

And he was still pretending I was in the tower, probably waiting for me to let down my hair like a good girl and all that BS.

"Fine, be that way." I say, "I get it. I'm stupid, and noisy, and ugly, and fat, and your life would probably be much easier if I didn't feel that way about you."

He remains silent.

It's at that point, I know I've hit the ground.

So I grab my coat, for hopefully the last time, and walk out the door.

And it's only when I see the first of red blossoms of fire blooming in the sky that I realize it's finally the new year.