It's All My Fault

by Lying In An Angels Arms

Sometimes the right choice is wrong and the wrong choice is right. Draco's made a lot of wrong choices but they seem to be leading him right to where he needs to be. With Harry. Guilt's a funny thing though. It makes you feel like you're drowning. SLASH

8. Chapter Seven

Title: It's All My Fault
f0 Author Name: Lying In An Angels Arms
f0 Rating: R/M
f0 Spoilers: Books 1-6. Written After Half-Blood Prince.
f0 Pairing(s): Draco/Harry
f0 Summary: Guilt is a funny thing. It makes the world seem so much...colder. Draco's guilty. Two deaths are on his conscious and the closest thing to a father he has now is hanging between life and death because of him. Guilt is a funny thing, it makes you wish you were dead. Draco's drowning in a sea of coldness and he can't grasp onto something. Can Harry Potter be that something?
f0 Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

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/Warnings/

Slash! (Harry/Draco. Lucius/Severus)

Depression, Suicidal themes (no suicide depicted), Mild non graphic self harm

strong language, Sexual scenes, mild character deaths.

Chapter Seven: You can't save me

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Father never hit me or abused me, verbally or physically.

Sometimes I wished he would.

Getting hit would have been better than the silent disappointment he often used as punishment.

I hated it when he ignored me.

Usually, he would look at me, even just in passing, talk about my studies, or sit beside me on the couch and read in comfortable silence. That was his affection.

When I was bad or did something to displease him (like lose a Quidditch match to Perfect-Potty) he would just...stop.

Stop everything. Stop looking at me, stop talking to me, stop being in the room with me and, while I was at school, he would stop writing to me.

He became like a ghost.

When I was home, I knew he was there, I could feel his presence lingering in each room, but I never saw him.

The silent treatment became more common after first year. I was ignored for a month because Potter got on the Quidditch team; the whole of the summer holidays I was ignored because Potter had defeated the Dark Lord (like it was my fault he'd done that).

Second year, I was ignored because Potter was thought to be the Heir of Slytherin and continued to refuse my offers of friendship (Father didn't know that I wasn't still offering. He thought I just wasn't being persuasive enough. In all truth, I gave up trying to be friends with Potter the day I saw him walking back from the bathrooms with the Mudblood and the Weasel. I knew he'd never give me that kind of loyalty and any act of friendship on my part would just be shot down. I didn't want to be hurt again like that day on the train).

Third year, I wasn't ignored but a different punishment arose. Father, instead of ignoring me that year, only talked of Potter. He compared me to him, pointed out my faults and Perfect-Potter's perfection. Father wanted me to convert Potter to the Dark side. He still believed I wanted to be friends with Potter. That year I really started to hate Potter. I tried to hurt him but he was used to my insults...so I went after the things he loved. I insulted his friends, tried to get that oaf Hagrid fired, badmouthed Professor Lupin as much as possible and, of course, got that dangerous beast, Buckbeak, killed.

I staged that Buckbeak incident. Salazar, that was painful though! I knew all about Hippogriffs. I'd read through all of the Care of Magical Creatures book before first class. I knew how to insult the beast just enough that it would get mad...but not enough to kill me (thankfully).

That oaf got in so much trouble and Potter was so furious. Of course, through the holidays, when I wasn't being ignored by Father because I'd helped 'turn the boy further towards the light,' I was forced to listen to my father ramble on and on about the Boy Wonder.

I'd begun to wonder at that point if my father had a crush on Potty.

That was a scary thought.

Fourth year, I got in so much shit because of Potter being 'chosen' in the games, though Father managed to sway this turn of events to the Dark Lord's favour. Boy, did that give my father something to ramble about, even once Potter had dueled (and walked away unscathed) with the Dark Lord.

I think I know the events of the Triwizard Tournament better than Potter does.

Fifth year...that wasn't a good year for me. Firstly, the Dark Lord came to my house a lot through the holidays (more than was necessary). I worshipped the ground that slimy man walked on, despite the fact it looked like he'd been hit with an ugly spell..a lot of them.

I wasn't ignored as much, but that was because Father was too busy to bother to ignore me. At the end of the year, I lost him to Azkaban, which was worse than hearing about Potter. Mother fell apart after that; she was never the same again.

In sixth year...sixth year, I got back at Potter, at Dumbledore, at everybody...problem was, getting back at them all wasn't as good as I'd hoped it would be.

At the end of sixth year, instead of finally getting one on Potter, I found myself in desperate need of his help.

I had never been that desperate to hear someone talk about the Perfect-Potty-Boy-Who-Lived-To-Make-Me-Want-To-Murder-Him-Myself.

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"Done," Remus murmured, stepping back from the Dursleys' fireplace. The flames burned green and the Order breathed a collective sigh of relief.

"Where's Harry? They should be back by now." Molly cast a suspicious glance up at the roof, narrowing her eyes.

"Oh, leave them alone, Molly," Tonk scolded playfully. "They're catching up. They haven't seen each other for ages!"

"And with what's happened..." another Order member trailed off sadly. He had black hair, tanned skin, and stood only about the height of Molly Weasley, which was an unimpressive five-foot-six. His name escaped Remus' memory, but he knew the man had been part of the original Order, though not a major player in the war.

Everyone in the room sobered dramatically at the mention of 'what happened.' Everyone knew what that meant. They were all so sure that Harry took Dumbledore's death the worst out of them all, having seen it firsthand.

The awkward, sad silence stretched until the thudding of feet could be heard. Harry and Ron, Harry's trunk floating behind them thanks to Ron's levitation spell, appeared in the doorway. The two were grinning, seemingly glad to just see each other.

"We're finished!" Ron said brightly, throwing one arm around the slimmer black haired teen's shoulder playfully.

"Yeah, all done. Can we leave now?" Harry asked, eager to go.

"Of course." Remus smiled gently at the two and motioned them towards the roaring fireplace. He reached into his pocket and drew out a black velvet drawstring bag of Floo Powder. "You first, Ron."

Ron nodded and quickly move to the fireplace. He grabbed a handful of Floo Powder and threw it into the flames. He waited until they burned green before stepping, awkardly, into the fireplace. He barely fit, despite it was a reasonable size. It was not designed for Flooing and he was, after all, a broad boy.

"Erm...The Weasley Burrow!" he announced carefully and with a loud whoosh, he disappeared into the flames. Harry practically bounced where he stood, waiting for his turn to leave.

"Wait a sec, Harry," Tonk said as he went to step into the fire. She stepped forward and grasped a single black hair from his messy head. She gave a sharp yank and grinned when he winced. "There! Okay, now you can go." She waved towards the fire, giggling at the glare Harry gave her as he rubbed his head.

He stepped up to the fireplace but, as he was angling himself inside it, he spotted his aunt watching suspiciously from the lounge door.

"Bye!" Harry said awkwardly and Petunia Dursley gave a sharp nod in response. The Order members watched her cautiously as she turned and walked away.

Petunia did not stay to watch her nephew leave; she dared not, for her eyes were misting over and she couldn't stand it if the boy saw. She had made it to the kitchen when she'd heard the familiar whoosh of the Floo. It had been years since she had heard that noise and it sent a stake right through her heart.

The last piece of her sister, the last thing she had to remember her by, disappeared with the help of magic.

Petunia had never hated it more.

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Harry's head spun horribly as he slid from the fireplace. He had never quite gotten good at landings via Floo or Apparition. He was covered in black powder that glowed a faint green. Clots of the same powder covered the rug he sat on.

He heard a deep booming laughter that was so uniquely Ron's that Harry found himself grinning, even though his backside hurt from his landing.

"What's so funny?" Harry grumbled as he stood shakily. Ron shook his head in bemusement and, with a wave of his wand, Harry was sparkling clean (literally, it looked like he had been covered in glitter).

"It's just," Ron said, still snickering, "you're sixteen, nearly seventeen, almost a legal adult and it's hilarious that just then you looked like that little eleven-year-old that couldn't say Diagon Alley and ended up in Knockturn Alley."

Harry's lips twisted up as he watched his red haired friend collapse into a fit of near hysterical giggles. "Yeah yeah, Ha-bloody-ha. Grow up, mate," Harry groused playfully with a mock glare. That set Ron off into more giggles.

"What's going on 'ere?" a familiar voice questioned.

"Yeah, is there any reason our dearest little brother sounds like a drunk woman?"

"And if by chance he is actually drunk-"

"-then can we get some?" the twins finished in unison, grinning broadly. Harry grinned back.

"Harry!" they cheered, as if only just noticing him. They grabbed him, one arm each, and tugged him forward into a three-way hug.

"It's been way too long-"

"-dearest Harry! We've got-"

"-loads to show you!"

"We completed a new range of-"

"-exploding cauldrons."

"One word and they just go-"

"-BOOM!" they cried together, laughing loudly. Harry shook his head in amusement, knowing that he and Ron would probably be one of the first to 'test' the Weasley's newest creation, whether they agreed to it or not!

"Sounds brilliant," Harry said and the twins nodded happily.

"Harry!" A girlish squeal sounded and soon Harry's arms were filled with a bundle of freckled redhead.

"Ginny," Harry replied, feeling his heart soar. He wrapped his arms around her and held tight, so she couldn't leave. She didn't even try to and instead held him just as tightly back.

The twins and Ron made fake gagging noises, even though they were grinning broadly.

"I missed you," Ginny whispered into Harry's chest, sounding teary.

"Er." Harry flushed, giving the laughing boys a glare as he responded with, "I missed you too, Gin."

Ginny pulled back and grinned at him, standing on her tiptoes to press her lips against his firmly. Harry went an even darker shade of red and responded shyly to the kiss, somewhat reluctantly. He could hear gagging and retching noises from Ginny's brothers and tried to pull back. She locked her arms around his neck and held him tight so he couldn't move away.

"Eh-hem?" A cough sounded from the door into the lounge and Ginny finally jerked back. She looked at her father with a sheepish look and backed away, cheeks flushed. Harry now closely resembled a tomato.

"Hello Harry," Arthur said in amusement, holding out a hand for the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Snog-His-Daughter-In-Front-Of-Him.

"H-Hello Mr. Weasley." Harry grabbed the man's hand awkwardly and shook it. He released it quickly and backed away in case the man decided to deck him for kissing his daughter.

"Why don't you all come into the kitchen? Molly baked some more cupcakes before she left. They'll be back in around twenty minutes," Arthur suggested to fill the awkwardly amused silence that fell over them.

They all agreed and hurried towards the kitchen.

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Harry, although he felt out of place as the Weasleys discussed random notions which were mostly contributed from the twins, had never felt more at home in his life. Ginny sat on his left, Ron on his right, the twins next to Ginny and Arthur at the head of the table by Ron. Surrounded by redheads, Harry felt safe.

"So, Harry, how was your summer?" George (or was it Fred?) asked, trying to draw Harry into the conversation. Harry hid a wince, as did Ron but he answered anyway.

"Boring," he said, pulling a face. "I did some chores to help my aunt and studied. Nothing like you guys."

He wasn't lying. He was just leaving out the fact that he didn't have a choice about those chores and the only time he got to study was at night by torchlight with batteries he had pinched from the kitchen drawer.

The conversation turned towards the twins' shop and Harry relaxed into the chair. He picked up a orange-topped cupcake and took a bite. In a flurry of feathers, he transformed into a vivid yellow and orange parrot.

The Weasleys laughed loudly as Harry-The-Parrot let out an indignant squawk.

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Draco could hear laughing downstairs and sighed. He sat on the floor by the bed, a spare pillow beneath his butt to cushion it from the hard floorboards. A Legilimency book was spread out on his lap, a piece of parchment and a quill to one side. Arthur had gotten him the parchment and quill at his request and he had taken to jotting down any notes he thought might be even remotely relevant to what he was planning on doing.

When he had explained it, however briefly, to Molly and Arthur, he had left out key parts like:

He could lose his mind in the process if he didn't return within half an hour.

He could possibly still lose his mind even if he stayed without the allocated time.

There was no guarantee that he could save Severus and might make the situation worse.

He could even get the mind curses placed on him instead of Severus, therefore driving him insane without hope of a cure. The curses could only be removed once and if that one time failed, then they remained until the person got over their inner demons and conquered them on their own.

Neither Severus nor Draco had the inner strength to conquer their demons alone.

Which was why Draco was risking his mind, very Gryffindor-like, to save Severus.

Even if I lose my mind, Draco mused as he turned another page in his book, then at least Severus will be saved.

He paused.

Salazar's balls. That was positively suicidal. He grimaced in disgust. How pathetically weak.

Note to self, don't become suicidal. Could ruin important goals in life. Like living to two hundred.

Another bout of laughter came from downstairs and Draco sighed, leaning his head back into the mattress. He tilted his head to the side to look at Severus' unwrinkled face.

"Look like Potter's here, Sev. They would only be laughing like that with him," Draco confessed. "Perhaps they're having a party. I wonder if Arthur will bring up some cake for me later." Draco winced. "I wonder if he knows I'm here." He paled dramatically and stared at the roof with unfocused eyes. "Oh Salazar, he is going to murder me. You too probably. Though he might take pity on you since you're unconscious."

He looked back down at his book and began reading again. He only got through two words before another round of laughter startled him. "They sound so happy," Draco murmured, brushing back his hair from his forehead and smoothing it out. His hair fell back to the way it was immediately after his hand was removed, but he didn't even notice. "Did we ever sound that happy, Sev?...No we didn't...Oh great, now not only am I suicidal, but I'm also maudlin. Fan-fucking-tastic."

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"Come on," Ron grabbed Harry's wrist and began to tug him towards the door. The newly humanized boy stumbled but followed obediently. "You're staying in with me. We kept the bed clear, waiting for you. Bill and Charlie are in Percy's old room. We're keeping the third floor...free." Ron winced and stubbornly ignored Harry's curious look. "Anyway, Mum and the rest will be bringing your trunk soon. You can get set up before it arrives and we can talk."

"But I wanted to talk with Harry," Ginny protested, following the two.

Ron gave her a disbelieving look. "I know what kind of 'talking' you have planned, Ginerva Weasley, and there will be none of that anywhere near me, understand?"

"Yes Mum," Ginny drawled, crossing her arms. She stopped and watched her almost-boyfriend get dragged away from her by her older brother.

"I'll see you later Ginny!" Harry called over his shoulder before disappearing up the stairs. Ginny frowned and huffed, turning on her heel and stalking away.

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"So," Ron asked as he collapsed backwards onto his bed. His legs hung over the end and his shoulders were nearly too broad to fit on the tiny bed he'd had since childhood. "How was your summer really?"

Harry frowned and sat on his bed, legs drawn up to his chest. He felt really small compared to Ron. Thanks to malnutrition for ten years and then every summer for the last six, he was significantly smaller compared to the well fed Weasley.

"Fine. Really, it was. I did the chores Uncle Vernon assigned and Dudley left me alone because I was cooking his food at night and could put arsenic- that's a muggle poison- into his food if he annoyed me too much," Harry joked poorly.

"Did you?" Ron asked curiously.

"Did I what?"

"Put arsenicks into his food."

"No, I didn't put arsenic into his food."

"You should have," Ron snorted.

"Uncle Vernon would have killed me," Harry pointed out, leaning back against the wall. It was cold through his thin t-shirt. It was baggy on him, as were his pants, but they were held together and up by ropes and old sticking charms he had placed on them at Hogwarts.

"Shoulda used your wand on him. Serves him right," Ron decided with a feral grin.

"I would have gotten arrested," Harry protested, but the thought was so tempting. He sighed. "Would have been nice though."

"Yeah." Ron grinned and Harry grinned back.

The went silent for a little while before Harry decided to break it.

"Hey Ron? I-"

"I swear, if you say something as corny as 'I missed you,' I will pulverize you," Ron interrupted, pulling a face.

Harry snickered. "Right. Never mind then."

They went silent again and Harry collapsed onto his bed, staring up at the roof.

"Harry?"

"Yeah Ron?"

"Me too."

Harry grinned.

"Corny Ron, really corny."

Ron tossed a pillow at Harry's head. "Oi you, shuddup or you'll regret it!"

"What are you going to do? Sing love songs and make me cry?" Harry teased, grabbing the pillow and tossing it back at Ron.

Ron's retaliation was to remove his wand and cast a tickling charm. Harry collapsed in a fit of girlish giggles, to his friend's amusement, and their laughter boomed as Harry attempted to tackle Ron but only managed to fall from his bed onto the floor.

Lying on the floor, face down and laughing so hard he was crying, Harry felt truly happy for the first time since that incident at Hogwarts, leaving one person dead and two people murderers.

However, Harry's happiness was not to last.

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"HOLY FUCK! DEATH EATERS!"

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Authors Note:

Give thanks to my AWESOME new BETA, Wrath of the Digital Hazard. You're absolutely wicked ;3

Sorry this took so long and that it's so short. My studies have gotten really, really demanding lately. I'm sad to say updates will only come around once a week now, instead of every few days like they had been a little while ago. Don't worry, I wont give up on this story! Ever ;3

.:Review Responses:.

TearsofTheForgotten: Don't worry! Draco wont let a little thing like going crazy stop him from being the reluctant Hero. XD I hope you liked this chapter. Sorry no Harry-saving-Draco yet but It's coming!!

Ali-chan et Vani-chan: Aw that's okay, I know what that's like. I've had to share a computer once with two of my sibblings. Not fun XD Sorry it took so long to update, the next one will be quicker!

NamlessLittleGirl: Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. Hope you liked this one too :3

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Thank you all so much for your reviews. You really keep me going (especially when I have seven assignments due on friday. xD I still spent two hours writing this instead of doing my reports. Ha! Procrastonation strikes again!

xD

Anyway, Review M'dears,

-Liaa