Title: It's All My Fault
Author Name: Lying In An Angels Arms
Rating: R/M
Spoilers: Books 1-6. Written After Half-Blood Prince.
Pairing(s): Draco/Harry
Summary: Guilt is a funny thing. It makes the world seem so much...colder. Draco's guilty. Two deaths are on his conscious and the closest thing to a father he has now is hanging between life and death because of him. Guilt is a funny thing, it makes you wish you were dead. Draco's drowning in a sea of coldness and he can't grasp onto something. Can Harry Potter be that something?
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
BETA: Wrath Of The Digital Hazard
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/Warnings/
Slash! (Harry/Draco. Lucius/Severus)
Depression, Suicidal themes (no suicide depicted), Mild non graphic self harm
strong language, Sexual scenes, mild character deaths
--Mild Potions Abuse--
Chapter Eight: Really, Harry, what did you expect? Bunnies?
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I got addicted to a potion in my third year.
Severus was horrified.
He'd given me the potion originally.
Well...actually, Madame Pomfrey had.
But he'd kept me in supply.
It was after the "Buckbeak Incident."
Madame Pomfey gave me a mild sedative pain relief potion.
It took away all the pain.
I'm weak.
I admit it.
I hate pain of any form.
So I kept taking it.
I told Severus that Madame Pomfrey hadn't healed the wound correctly.
That it was still infected.
He'd believed it.
He trusted me to lie only when it suited me.
He knew I hated pain.
He didn't realize I was lying until I was thoroughly addicted.
He got me help at the start of fourth year.
He cut me off the potion.
Cold turkey, as the muggles say.
That nearly killed me.
I went into shock, almost.
He put me back on the potion.
Throughout fourth year he tried to wean me off of it.
I tried too.
Severus thought I was suceeding.
He didn't know I was making my own behind his back.
I pretended to get better.
I don't think I'll ever get better.
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Draco stared at the ceiling with a pensive expression on his face.
His head hurt.
A lot.
He couldn't move either.
Fan-fucking-tastic, he thought bitterly. He could hear Potter still shrieking something. Where the hell is everyone? Last time the Weasel brats discovered me, the bloody Order came rushing up to find out what was wrong.
He felt, rather than saw, another flash hit him. It was red. Why was it red? Red spells were dangerous...though not as bad as green spells. If he saw a green spell coming towards him...well...he'd probably be dead before he recognized the color anyway.
Why doesn't Potter just SHUT UP already? I mean, it was his bloody fault for being the sodding Gryffindor he is. Bloody Potter. If only I could move then I could whack him over the head. That'd shut him up.
He tried to move his eyes, to see who the other voices he could hear belonged to. He couldn't even move his eyes.You are SO dead, Potter.
"-HERE AT ALL! HE FUC-"
"Language, Harry!"
"WHO CARES ABOUT MY FUCK-"
"LANGUAGE, HARRY!"
"WHO CARES?! HE KILLED DUMBLEDORE!"
"Calm down, Harry." That voice I know. Hello Mr. Weasley! UNFREEZE ME, DAMN IT!
"Calm down? Calm down? CALM BLOODY DOWN? YOU'RE HOUSING A DEATH EATER!"
"It's not that bad-"
Draco stopped listening. He concentrated on the ceiling instead. He didn't want to hear them try to calm Potter down. He could gain nothing new from their words. Staring at the ceiling, Draco wondered if it would fall on him. It'd be just his luck if it did. It looked like it was crumbling already.
I wonder if they realize I'm lying here. Probably not. They've got a hysterical Boy-Who-Lived-To-Have-A-Hissy-Fit. Hmmm...I'm tingling...why am I tingling? He wondered when his arms began to regain feeling. Pain shot through his body and he opened his mouth in a silent scream. Wait! Freeze me again! SHIT! It felt like a million ants were trying to eat him. Pain shot through his bones, making them click painfully. He tried to curl into himself but it only caused him more pain.
Most undignified, he opened his mouth and, finally, his vocal chords seemed to work again; he screamed. The sound echoed hauntingly through the now stunned hallway. They had stopped talking when he'd attempted to curl into himself.
Draco thought he heard Potter swear but he couldn't hear over his own screams. The pain was brutal. He...he...he knew this pain. His head was thrown back in agony as he attempted to remember how to overthrow this curse. He couldn't remember. The pain was blocking out his thoughts. All he could do was scream.
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"What did you do?" Arthur yelled, racing over to the screaming blond. He reached out to the boy, who flinched away violently, his screams becoming louder each second until they seemed almost inhuman.
"I-I don't know!" Harry cried, backing away until his back touched the wall of the hallway. "I don't know!"
"Do something!" Molly fretted, her hands waving around uselessly as she tried to think of something to do.
"Try to cancel the spell," Arthur commanded of Harry who raised a shaking hand towards his nemesis.
"F-F-Finite Incantatem!" Harry yelled and Malfoy finally fell silent. He laid panting on the floor. The Weasley family and Harry crowded around him as he desperately tried to catch his breath. He groaned and grabbed his throat, resting his forehead on the floor.
"What...what was that?" Fred asked soberly, looking directly at Malfoy though he phrased the question to his family.
"I don't know," Arthur whispered. He knelt next to the fallen Malfoy and reached out a hand. He placed it on the blond's shoulder.
Malfoy flinched away again but allowed the hand to touch him.
"Are you okay?" Molly asked, stupidly.
Malfoy shot her a glare that could have killed. "Yes. I feel great," he snarled, turning his face back down so it pressed against the nice cool floorboards. "Piss off and leave me alone to die."
"Die?" Molly shrieked. Everyone paled, excluding Draco, who was already nearly translucent.
"Yes, die. Salazar's balls, do none of you know your magic?" Draco shot a glare at all of them with a nasty sneer twisting his face. "The spell darling Potter cast is a Prince original. Hell, it's even been made a forbidden hex by the Ministry. It causes the recipient of the curse to suffer the amount of pain the caster truly wants them to feel and since I'm damn sure Potter wants me dead, I'd like you to leave me in peace to die." He slammed his forehead back onto the ground with a light groan. He could still feel his nerve endings screaming out even though the spell was off of him.
"What?!" Harry gaped. "H-H...I didn't know that! I don't want you to die!"
"Fuck off, Potter," Malfoy snarled. "I'd like to die in silence. Hearing your voice as the last thing I ever hear might just make me cry."
"Is there nothing we can do to cure it?" Arthur asked.
"Yeah! The spell was lifted. You should be fine now," George pointed out.
"This one can't be," Malfoy lectured, face still pressed against the floor. "It lingers in the nerve endings and continues to cause pain until the person, the caster, truly feels like their victim has suffered enough...and before you ask, no, Perfect-Potty has to actually mean it, not just say it. So...shove off. I'd like to die without being drowned in a sea of redheads and freckles."
Arthur sighed and looked towards his family. "You all go downstairs. I'll set him back up in the room." Arthur grabbed the boy's shoulders and attempted to lift him to his feet. Malfoy shrieked, his nerves protesting at being touched and his bones screaming at being moved. Arthur released him and he crashed back to the floor with a groan.
"Ow."
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Harry paced the kitchen, looking deathly pale and very sick. "I don't want him to die!" he said with a groan. "Yeah, sure, he's a prat and he killed," he practically snarled that word, "the leader of the Light, Dumbledore... but death!? Never!"
"Yeah," Ron muttered, biting into a scone filled with cream and jam. "Death is too good for that prat."
Harry nodded with a sigh. "What am I going to do? I can't just let him die."
"Why not?" Ginny huffed, looking frustrated. "At least that will get him out of our hair!"
"Ginerva!" Molly scolded, turning away from the oven to scowl at her daughter. "I thought I raised you better than that! He's in pain and in our protection. It's up to us to help him!"
Ginny nodded, looking apologetic, but as soon as her mother turned away, the disgruntled look returned to her face. "I just wish you could have cursed the other one too," Ginny muttered.
"What other one?" Harry perked up and Molly spun around to tell Ginny to keep quiet, but it was too late.
"Snape. He's up there too."
"WHAT! SNAPE'S HERE TOO! MOTHERFUC-"
"LANGUAGE, HARRY!"
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Arthur heard the yell from upstairs and winced. He was levitating a very pale Malfoy into his (or at least that was how Arthur now thought of it) room. "Looks like Harry knows about Severus now too," Arthur said, unnecessarily.
Draco was staring at the ceiling as he floated.
"Mr. Weasley?"
"Yes, Draco?" Arthur asked as he moved passed the floating boy to transfigure a second bed, or enlarge the one Severus was still resting on.
"Can you lock the door...properly...when you leave?"
"Of course." Arthur cast him a curious look. "But why? Everyone knows you're here now. There's no need for secrecy."
"I..." Draco refused to look into the blue eyes which watched him in contemplation. "I'd just rather it be locked."
"Alright."
Arthur waved his wand and enlarged Severus' bed, knowing that as soon as he left, the blond teen would make his way over there, despite his pain. It became the size of a double bed, which wasn't large but would fit them both somewhat comfortably. "Now, I'll need to replenish the spell everyday when I bring breakfast. If I forget, please remind me."
Draco nodded and he was levitated to the bed. As soon as his back touched the sheets, he hissed in pain.
"Will it stop soon?" Arthur asked quietly as he placed his wand back into his pocket. He sat beside Draco's hip on the bed.
"Yes. When I'm dead."
Arthur chuckled with a small smile. "You're not dying, Draco."
Draco gave him an 'are you stupid?' look. "Of course I am. Potter cast a Sumestpoenatas hex on me. Of course I'm bloody dying."
"Sumestpoenatas hex, is that what it's called?" Arthur asked, curious.
"Yes. It's Latin. Expanded and translated, roughly it means 'I choose your pain,'" Draco explained, wincing as his shirt brushed a rib and caused it to throb in protest. "Now, please tell me why you don't think I'm dying. If he had a choice, I'd be dead right now."
"Exactly," Arthur said with a sad smile. "If he wanted you dead, you wouldn't have lived passed the casting of the spell. Harry doesn't have what it takes to kill someone. It's... just not for him."
Draco shot him a disbelieving look out of the corner of his eyes. "You're telling me... that the bloody savior of the wizarding world doesn't have what it takes to kill someone? You've got to be mind-fucking me. He's meant to kill Voldemort!" Arthur winced in surprise and Draco, after realizing what he'd just said, winced too.
"You...you say his name," Arthur said quietly, almost in disbelief.
Draco shrugged awkwardly, grimacing as pain ripped through his body at the simple movement. "Sometimes...when I forget who I am."
"Who you are?" Arthur prodded when Draco offered no more information.
Draco gave a pointed look towards his own left arm and Arthur stiffened. The sweat shirt Draco was wearing had been purposely chosen for its long sleeves. It hid his arm. The Dark Mark.
"I am his," Draco said with a bitter laugh. "That is all that I am."
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Harry sat at the kitchen table, hands clenched around a mug so tightly he was sure it was going to implode soon. The nice, hot tea inside hadn't even been touched and he didn't intend to drink it anyway. He was sure they had spiked it with a calming draught or something similar. He didn't want to be calm, damn it! He had just found out that two - two - bloody Death Eaters were living upstairs and his family, or so he liked to call them, didn't even warn him or tell him or ask if it was okay. They just did it.
They're just like everyone else, Harry realized, sulking somewhat. Act first, ask later. "We're doing this for your own good, Harry." You'd think they'd ask if I wanted them to do anything for me before bloody doing it! Harry sighed and his shoulders slumped. I should have stayed at the Dursleys. At least there I knew what I was getting into. I knew all their tricks and I knew how to act there. Now what am I going to do?
"Harry? Harry, mate? Talk to us," Ron's voice broke Harry's thoughts. The Boy Wonder raised his eyes to look at the collection of Weasleys crowded around the kitchen table, opposite to him.
"We're sorry, mate. We just thought you'd rather not know. They'll be gone as soon as the old bat wakes up," Ron said. Molly did not even tell him off for the insulting nickname for Snape.
Harry shook his head and lowered his eyes back to his tea. If he talked now, he would start yelling and if he started yelling... well... he didn't want to think of all the stuff he might say.
"Hello family," Arthur said cheerfully as he entered the kitchen. Harry did not even glance at him. Arthur sighed and placed a hand on the stiff boy's shoulder blade. "Harry, are you willing to listen to our... my explanation?" Harry stayed silent. "You can go up to your room and think things over if you prefer but I'd really like it if you'd listen."
Stop doing that! Stop acting like you care! Like a parent, Harry wanted to yell but kept his mouth closed. He looked up and met the soothingly calm blue eyes of Arthur, who smiled reassuringly towards the boy.
Harry opened his mouth, closed it, and frowned before growling out, "Talk."
Arthur beamed proudly at him and Harry looked away stubbornly. He didn't want that usual swell of joy in his chest to appear like it always did when he made Arthur, or Molly, for that matter, proud of him. He wanted to stay angry.
But staying angry at Arthur Weasley was nearly impossible.
Arthur sat in the chair next to Harry and angled it so he was facing the boy, even if he wasn't looking back.
"Right, now where to start?" Arthur said, almost to himself as he searched his brain to find a good place to begin. "Ah! Alright. Harry? Harry, look at me, please."
Harry looked. Their eyes met and locked. Arthur smiled and began to talk in low tones, as if it was directed at a startled animal.
"Molly and I had come back from an Order meeting, discussing about Hogwarts and the possibility of it reopening. It was quite late, past midnight in fact, that we actually made it to bed. We stayed awake talking about things, like volunteering to teach a few classes to help relieve the burden at Hogwarts. We saw a red flash of color light up the room. It was a distress spell. We ran outside and waited for the second one, hoping there would be a second one. There was, and it was coming from the hill to the south. So we ran there. We saw two figures, dressed in Death Eater garbs."
Harry tensed and Arthur smiled.
"Yes, Harry. It was Snape and Malfoy. Snape was unconscious and Malfoy was holding Snape, still partially awake. However, he passed out as soon as we arrived on the scene. We levitated them back to the Burrow and Molly patched up a few surface wounds. They were in bad shape, Harry. We couldn't leave them to die. Molly tended to their more serious injuries for a week. After that, it seemed they would be able to survive on their own. Malfoy woke after a week and left his room. He walked around and founed Snape's room." Arthur laughed lightly. "We haven't been able to get him to leave yet."
Harry glared, not in the mood for jokes. "Why are they still here then?"
Arthur sighed. "Harry, I know you saw what happened to...to Albus, but you need to understand, we need both sides of the story. Do you really think that they got all those wounds by our hands? Snape has four mind curses on him, keeping him in the darkness of his worst memories! Harry, we're the good guys," Arthur pointed out. "We can't leave them to die."
Harry was silent again and turned back to stare into his cup. He wished he'd taken more time to learn to read tea leaves. He could really use some help deciding.
Ron opened his mouth to talk but a raised hand from Aurthur silenced him. This was something Harry had to decide. Was he going to stay with them? He could be moved to Grimmauld Place with Remus or even move in with Tonks in her apartment in the city. Harry had to decide.
"Can I go to my room, now?" Harry asked quietly and only Arthur could make out what he said.
"Of course, Harry," Arthur replied immediately. "You don't need to ask. It's your room for however long you want it."
"Thank you," Harry said and stood. He left the kitchen and went not to his room but to the third floor. He paused by the last door, grabbed the knob and pushed the door open. He broke the locking spell easily, without ever realizing it was there.
Malfoy sat on the bed, back pressed against the wall, his eyes closed. His fingers were trailing through Snape's hair, with Snape's head resting on his lap comfortably.
Harry stared.
Malfoy opened his eyes and stared back.
"You bastard," Harry said, for lack of anything better.
"You hypocrite," Malfoy returned, closing his eyes again.
"Hypocrite! Me? You're crazy," the Boy-Who-Lived growled out, stepping inside and only just remembering to close the door lightly so he wouldn't alert the Weasleys where he was.
"No, I'm not. I'm a disgusting snake and a bloody coward but I'm not crazy," Malfoy retorted. "If it had been you standing up there, and you had faltered in killing the Dark Lord, Mr. Weasley would have done it for you. If it had been you up there who hesitated, you would have been killed... just like I would have."
"Dumbledore would never have killed you! Never."
"He wouldn't have, no. He was too kind," Malfoy sneered. "I would have been killed by one of the Light wizards in a freak accident. You don't get it, Potter; Dumbledore liked to pretend he controlled the people he protected but he can't... couldn't control everyone. I would have been dead by the week's end."
"You should be dead now!" Harry yelled.
"But I'm not," Malfoy said with a smirk. "Looks like I chose the right choice then, 'ey, Potty?"
"You killed an innocent man!"
"He was not innocent!" Draco yelled back suddenly, looking furious. "He had more blood on those wrinkly little hands than Voldemort will ever have!"
"You're lying. Dumbledore was a kind, caring man and you're just pathetic to try and lie about him."
"Just because he was nice to you, Potty," Malfoy snarled, "does not mean he was nice to everyone else."
"How dare you!" Harry took several steps closer and was tempted to slap the blond. "Dumbledore was more of a man then you'll ever be! You pathetic, little snake."
"I'm heartbroken, Potty. You're insults cut me deep," he snapped mockingly before turning serious. His hands unconsciously tightened in Snape's hair. The grip would have been painful had the man been awake. "If being a man means killing people, then I'd rather stay a boy."
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Draco wished Potter would leave him to his misery. He really didn't feel up to arguing. Each touch of Snape's hair across his fingers brought stinging agony to him. The curse was still active and painful. Even talking hurt.
Potter was both pale and red at the same time, an interesting combination Draco never knew was possible.
"Shut up," Potter retorted childishly and Draco sneered.
"What, Potty? Don't like hearing the truth?"
"Shut up!"
"Little bitty Potty can't stand finding out everything he's been told is a lie."
"SHUT UP!"
Draco pressed his back further against the cold wall as he felt Potter's magic flare. Perhaps I pushed him a little too far. Potter's magic felt like fire, heating up the room and licking at his skin painfully. Combined with the Sumestpoenatas hex from earlier, Draco could not hold back his scream.
It echoed through the entire Burrow, sending the Weasleys racing up the stairs to the rescue once again.
Even in the agony he was presented with, Draco could hear a second scream matching his in pain and volume.
Draco's heart stopped.
Severus was screaming too.
No!
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Author's Note:
Authors Note:
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Don't kill me for the cliff hanger! Please? If you kill me, then you'll never get the next chapter.
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Anyway, I am so, so, so, so sorry it took this long to update. My teachers decided that having five assignments due next week wasn't enough and added two more to the mix. I've been swamped with studies but I managed to finish off this chapter.
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Give thanks to Wrath for BETA'ing this chapter, being absolutely awesome and "Gently Prodding" me into finishing it.
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:gigglesnots: the Title of this chapter comes from Wrath's comment when she read the previous one. Her comment was "I still can't help but keep chuckling at the last bit, "HOLY FUCK! DEATH EATERS!" I mean, what did he expect? Bunny rabbits? A unicorn? You'd think Harry would be used to surprises like that by now." I loved her comment so much, The title was created. Thank you Wrath!
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.:Reviewer Sponses:.
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TearsOfAForgotten: Thank you so much for your kind words :3 I'm glad you liked the ending! Everyone else seems to love that too xD I hope you like this chapter too!
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Ali-chan et Vani-chan: :giggles: Sorry for the wait! And for killing you with suspense xD I'm not one of those authors who leaps right into conforntation. Don't worry, they've met, argued and now you're probably going to kill me for the cliffhanger...sorry? XD
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Nameless little girl: Thanks so much! I hope you like this chapter too.
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Anyway, Review M'dears!
The next chapter will be out faster, I promise!
-Liaa