Title: It's All My Fault
Author Name: Lying In An Angels Arms
Rating: R/M
Spoilers: Books 1-6. Written After Half-Blood Prince.
Pairing(s): Draco/Harry
Summary: Guilt is a funny thing. It makes the world seem so much...colder. Draco's guilty. Two deaths are on his conscious and the closest thing to a father he has now is hanging between life and death because of him. Guilt is a funny thing, it makes you wish you were dead. Draco's drowning in a sea of coldness and he can't grasp onto something. Can Harry Potter be that something?
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
BETA: Wrath Of The Digital Hazard
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/Warnings/
Slash! (Harry/Draco. Lucius/Severus)
Depression, Suicidal themes (no suicide depicted), Mild non-graphic self harm
strong language, Sexual scenes, mild character deaths,
Mild Potions Abuse
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Chapter Fourteen: Stay Beautiful
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Contrary to popular beliefs, I had pets,
and no I never practised curses on them...
...At least not the dangerous ones.
I did turn my cat green at one point but that was because I wanted him to be a Slytherin Cat not the disgustily Innocent White that he was.
My cat, called Archimedes, was given to me when I was seven. I'm fairly sure he hates me...
My Eagle owl, Giovanni, was my Hogwarts gift. He's spoiled rotten with expensive owl treats and about the size of four crystal balls...and hardly any of it's muscle.
I had a pure Arabian colt, in dark black which faded to grey as he grew, when I was younger. However he died when I was six from a snake bite. Unfortunately, the snake who bit him was my other pet, Cenni. She was an Saw-Scaled Viper. Sadly, we were unable to get to my colt, Guartiento, in time with the antivenom. There's a shrine erected in his honor in the second rose garden.
Father has a shrine there too, to his own Stallion Altichiero, who also sired Guartiento. He died shortly after my colt was born. The only pet my Father has ever admitted to missing.
I did enjoy my pets company but after a few years, I grew bored with each and the House Elves cared for them.
I also gained three other snakes, two lizards, one dragon, a unicorn and four other arabs but each did not keep my attention for longer then a few months.
Archimedes was the only pet to ever be allowed into my room and only through the day. He was put in his own room, four doors down from mine, at night and when we had company.
Mother gave me those pets, save the snakes which were my Fathers idea, in the hopes I would learn compassion.
I didn't.
Sometimes I wonder why she even bothered.
All it ever taught me was how hard it was to loose something you cared for.
Father used them as a good lesson.
Don't get attached and then it won't hurt when they're gone.
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Hearing Harry laugh, so free and childlike, felt like sunshine after a thunderstorm. Remus hadn't heard the boy laugh like that in so long, he felt as though he might cry from the sound alone.
" Laughing," Harry answered Remus' question. It became a physical battle for the werewolf not to cry. My poor pup! Remus wanted to sob and cling to the boy, his best friends son, but held back. Sure, Harry was laughing and acting like a child but something about him, perhaps his scent or that look in his eyes, told Remus not to touch.
So instead, Remus drank in every detail of the grinning boy before, imprinting it on his very eyes so he would never forget.
"So, how did it happen?" Harry asked, after his laughter had died down to the occasional giggle. Remus smiled and reached up a hand to pat the pigtails in his hair.
"Fleur, Hermione and Ginny were giving each other makeovers and I was watching over them, can't be too careful these days, and they decided I needed a new look. Like it?" Remus asked, striking a model pose and sending Harry into another fit of childish giggles.
Remus had never been so happy to have makeup on and glitter in his hair.
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Harry couldn't stop snickering. He had never seen anyone look so...silly and proud of it. Remus' light brown hair, which had grown out to around his shoulders in passing months, had been drawn up into two girlish pigtails, adorned with two bright pink bows. Harry had a feeling the ribbons were Fleur's and he was sure that Hermione nor Ginny would ever be seen dead in pink.
The light brown hair was also covered, almost completely, in a sparkly substance which made every strand shine like glitter. Remus' face was now deadly pale thanks to the foundation cream which was smeered across his face, hiding some of his scars and fading others. His lips were shining with gloss and he had eyeliner on. Harry could swear he detected a hint of blush across the man's cheeks but he wasn't sure if that was makeup or embarrassment.
"Why didn't you stop them?" Harry asked, covering his mouth to stop a snort.
Remus smiled gently. "They were having fun and I don't mind."
"You don't mind looking like a fool?"
"A fool? Really? I thought I looked queer," Remus joked, sending Harry into peels of laughter, imagining Remus dancing around like a fairy-boy.
"I'm just glad Tonks isn't here," Remus continued and they shared a grin. They fell into companionable silence and Harry curiously watched the elder werewolf under his lashes. Remus noticed and looked concerned.
"Is something wrong, Harry?"
Harry tried to shake his head but ended up nodding instead. Remus frowned and reached over and, ignoring the flinch, patted Harry's shoulder. "You know you can tell me anything, right Harry?"
" I know," Harry said softly. I just don't want to. You wouldn't understand.
"Is there anything you want to talk about?" Remus asked, removing his hand from the boy's shoulder, trying hard not to take offence to the small relieved sigh that followed.
Harry shook his head, physically restraining himself from nodding again. "I'm fine," he forced out with a small, almost insignificant, smile.
" Are you sure?" Remus asked, not wanting to pry but desperately wanting the boy to open up...to someone.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Harry repeated and they fell silent, almost awkwardly.
"Well...I've got to go get the girls. Oder meeting in five, Harry," Remus said, standing. Harry nodded, still sitting on the stairs.
"Okay, see you then," Harry said, still awkward. Remus opened his mouth to say something, closed it, opened it again and then sighed, walking away. Harry stared at the floor, frustrated that he couldn't just...talk like a normal person would.
He wouldn't understand, Harry tried to reason but knew he was lying to himself. Remus was perhaps the only person in the whole house who would understand the burning hatred Harry felt. Harry wanted to forgive and forget but how could you forgive someone who killed the greatest wizard of all time...for a crazed lunatic. How could you forget that they took one of the only people who ever cared about Harry, not Harry Potter, just Harry. Harry wanted to forgive Snape and Malfoy for being weak, he wanted to forget that they'd killed for a dumb reason but Harry couldn't.
Somethings he just couldn't let go.
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"Piss off, Werewolf," Draco snapped, without opening his eyes. Lupin paused on the stairs, staring at the blond Slytherin in surprise. He hadn't made a noise, no creaking step or anything but the boy still knew.
Lupin cleared his throat. "A meeting's in five. Molly needs to kn-"
"Tell her to piss off too. I'm don't care about your little bird club," Draco repeated. He sat in the same spot he had been in when Potter had left. On the floor, back to the wall opposite the door into his room. His head was lent back against the wall and his eyes were closed, trying to calm the urge to attack something...namely Potter.
"That's not nice," Lupin protested in his annoyingly gentle voice.
" Guess what, Werewolf? I'm not bloody nice, so rack off!"
"Mr. Malf-"
Draco's eyes snapped open. "Do not call me that."
Lupin unconsciously took a step backwards. "I appolog-"
"Piss off," Draco repeated slowly, as if Lupin were stupid. His eyes glared daggers at the werewolf and Lupin sighed.
"Arthur will be up to see you later," Lupin said softly and walked back down the stairs. Draco continued to glare until the man was out of sight.
He unconsciously looked towards the opened doorway and met the disapproving black eyes of Severus Snape. Draco wanted to wince but stubbornly locked gazes, refusing to back down. Severus played along for a few moments before sighing and looking away.
"You're a fool, Draco. A stupid fool," Severus said quietly, his voice carrying across the silent room easily. The man rolled over, presenting his back to Draco and the blond looked away, down the stairs.
In a house full of people, Draco Malfoy was alone.
Wait a minute...was the werewolf wearing eyeliner?
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Harry sat in the Weasley's lounge, listening to all the eager voices booming around him as they chatted. They were acting like it was a social get together and not a bloody meeting to decide the world's future. Harry, who had been formerly relaxed thanks to Remus' outrageous appearance, tensed up and resisted the urge to glare. No one seemed to be taking the war seriously any more, since Dumbledore had...died.
Do they think we've already lost? Harry wondered, suddenly feeling cold in the warm room.
"Right. Is everyone here?" Remus asked, standing up. He had spelled himself back to normal, to the girls annoyance.
"Not everyone," Minerva piped up, sniffing haughtily. "Dung isn't here."
"Dung's never on time," Moody huffed.
"Am too," said man whined as he walked through the door, dirty as always and with a brown sack thrown over one shoulder, bursting at the seams with goodies. The twins flocked over immediately, peering at the bag with undisguised glee.
"Shady dealings later," Minerva snapped and Molly frowned.
" Or preferably never. Boys, step away from Dung," their mother scolded and they sighed, shuffling away from the shady character unfortunately nicknamed Dung.
"Later," Dung mimed to them with a wink and they grinned.
"Alright , now that everyone is here," Minerva said stiffly, standing in the middle of the lounge. "Perhaps Arthur can start us off by updating us on the situation -ahem- upstairs." Minerva couldn't seem to bring herself to say their names or what happened. Harry could understand that, he didn't want to remember it either.
Everyone's eyes snapped to Arthur and the man flushed under their intense attention.
He stood. "Yes, well. Here's the latest. A few days ago, Draco-" several people hissed at the name but Arthur ignored them, "-Draco preformed legimins on Severus-" again, hissing started but disappeared in shocked gasps.
"He's only a child! How could he preform such a dangerous spell," Minerva said, looking horrified. Harry found it slightly stupid that she believed Draco a child, capable of murder and yet, not capable of a spell like Legimins.
"I can preform that," Harry reminded and was waved off.
"Yes, but you are Harry Potter," Minerva excused. "The fact is, Draco Malfoy's magic has always been a bit...off. A horrible practical student."
"Mmm, I noticed that too," Remus perked up. "He had a terrible time in my Defence class, he could never manage the spells but with the written work, he would always be amazing. I don't think I ever gave him anything lower then an O in written work."
"That's...interesting," Arthur said, regaining control of the conversation. "Since he preformed it without a wand as well."
Minerva paled. "W-Without a w-wand? Arthur, you can not be serious! That could have killed them both! Or, at very least, driven them both mad."
"'e did no' do eet alone," Fleur spoke up. She had been initiated into the order earlier, because of her loyalty to the Weasleys and, as she called it, her sisters life debt to Harry. "I gave 'im one of mi 'airs."
More then half of the order gaped at her, the other half merely looked confused.
"What's so special about that?" Harry decided to ask.
"Veela hair have magical channelling powers, Harry," Hermione answered, looking stunned and acting on autopilot. "They are often used in wands. Wands with Veela Hair cores are amongst the strongest available. Mal...Draco having a hair is like giving him a very, very powerful wand."
"How could you be so stupid! He could have killed us all with that hair," Moody bellowed, glaring furiously at the blond. Fleur raised her nose at them
"'e would not 'ave. 'e needed ze 'air to save 'is...'is," she hesitated, her english still not completely fluent. She tapped her lip as she pondered the right word. "'is Père de son âme. 'is Seevoroos."
"You didn't know that for sure," Kingsley Shacklebott said, scowling. "Giving him that hair was exceptionally stupid."
Fleur sniffed haughtily. "I trust 'im. 'e iz againzt ze Dark Man. 'e iz 'urt for 'is beliefz. I trust 'im," Fleur repeated, not looking ashamed of her trust.
Bill hesitated but wrapped an arm around his fiance's shoulders. "Then I trust him too. Fleur is a wonderful judge of character," Bill said, giving her an adoring look. She beamed at him and snuggled into his hold, lovingly kissing his cheek.
"I do as well," Arthur admitted quietly.
"Arthur! Really?" Molly shrieked, looking horrified. "After all he has done and Bill, after all he has done to you. How could you?"
"He didn't do this to me, mum," Bill excused, raising a hand to prod his scars with careful hands. "Greyback did. He shouldn't be blamed for someone elses mistakes. Fleur trusts him...and I trust Fleur."
"You're all crazy," Tonks admitted. "He's my cousin and I don't trust him. Can't we ship him off to azkaban now? We'll ship The Big Bat off when he wakes later."
Remus looked thoughtful. "I think...I think if we want Severus to wake, we need to keep Draco."
Arthur nodded. "I agree. They've been through so much together. I think, if Severus wakes up for anything or anybody, it will be for Draco."
"So we can't get rid of him?" Tonks asked, sounding mornful.
"Not yet."
"Right...Well, moving on," Minerva said stiffly, desperately trying to change the subject. "Grimmauld Place. Remus, what's the update?"
"Still working on it," Remus sighed. "The shield from A..Albus' secret keeper bond is gone but the residual spells are still there, meaning we can't make a new one without dispelling the old. I've yet to find out how. I've notified some old colleagues of Albus' to see if they can help but so far, no luck. I have been able to cast a glamour on it so that it looks abandoned and a few mild muggle repellents but any wizard or witch could get in easily, if they tried."
Minerva frowned. "Well, keep trying Remus and keep us updated."
Remus nodded and the meeting went on. Harry listened to most, tuned some things out like when Dung gave his report on the bar he was meant to be watching but everyone was sure he was merely drinking himself under the table.
After half an hour of useless chatting, the order was despensed and everyone began to leave. Arthur was the first to go, heading upstairs with the potions for Snape and Malfoy.
Harry hesitated but waved Hermione and Ron on, telling them that he'd find them later. After they'd left, throwing him bemused looks, Harry went over to the couch where Fleur and Bill still sat.
"'ello 'arry!" Fleur greeted him brightly, leaning forward to peck both of his cheeks in greeting. "ow are you?"
"Er...Okay," Harry said, somewhat awkwardly, flushing. The kissing thing Fleur did apon greeting everyone still confused Harry and disturbed him slightly. Bill snickered.
"Don't worry, Harry, you'll get used to it," he supplied, understanding the awkwardness. Harry grinned sheepishly and looked back at the gorgeous blond.
"Did 'ou need zomething, 'arry?" Fleur asked, smiling brightly.
"No...Not really. I was just...what did you call Snape...you know earlier...the french words," Harry asked, curiously.
" Père de son âme? " Fleur questioned and Harry nodded. Fleur hesitated. "I do not know. I cannot find a word for it in english. The literal translation, I believe, iz zomething like..." she bit her lip. "ze father of 'is 'eart."
"Oh." Harry blinked. He hadn't been expecting that. "Why...Why did you call him that?"
"zurely you 'ave seen ze way zey act, 'arry!" Fleur said with a giggle. "Even at 'ogwartz I noticed! Seevoroos-"
"Severus," Bill corrected but she waved him off.
"Seevoroos watched over all if 'is studentz equally but 'e alwayz kept one eye on Draco. Surely 'ou noticed 'ow 'e favored Draco above all ozers!"
"Of course I did," Harry defended himself, "but the prat favors all Slytherins."
"Ah, yes 'e does but Draco is different, I think. Something about 'im...makez Seevoroos protect 'im fiercer... more determindly."
" But...why call Snape Malfoy's father. Malfoy already has a father," Harry pointed out and Fleur smiled.
"Oui , yes but zeir actions speak of family, of love hidden."
"Who knows, they could just be shagging," Bill put in and Harry choked.
"Bill! Don't say that kind of stuff around me. Argh! Now it's in my head," Harry groaned, covering his ears with his hands.
"I wonder who's the girl," Bill continued, raising his voice so Harry could hear. Fleur giggled as Harry groaned and glared at the elder Weasley.
"I hate you so much right now," Harry announced, lips twitching furiously as he tried not to laugh.
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"What in Merlin's name are you doing out here on the floor?" Arthur asked, tsking as he stood at the top of the stairs. Draco opened one eye and peered at Arthur with distaste.
"Fuck off," Draco said simply, crossing his arms tighter over his chest. Arthur frowned.
"Well at least come in and help me with the potions. I don't think, unconscious or not, Severus wants me touching him," Arthur said, attempting to lighten the mood. Draco scowled at the man but stood, none the less. Draco snatched the three potions from Arthur's hand and stomped into the room.
Arthur stood in the doorway and watched as Draco, with gentle hands and soft movements, turned Severus onto his back.
Sometimes, Arthur was in disbelief of how careful Draco could be, but only with Severus.
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Draco watched Severus' face in disguised amusement. The coal eyelashes moved slightly and Draco resisted the urge to smirk as the older man glared at him, still pretending to be unconscious. Draco hid a snicker and pressed the vial to the man's mouth, stroking the sallow neck to 'enocourage' it to swallow.
"How is he?" Arthur asked from the doorway.
"He seems fine," Draco responded tersely but seeing the glare shot at him by Severus, softened his tone. "He's no longer unconscious but I think he's in a magical sleep, to let his mind recover from the curses and their abrupt removal."
"The legimency didn't hurt him, did it?" Arthur looked slightly panicked at the thought.
"No!" Draco quickly denied. "No. After any curse has been active for a while, it's a shock to the magical core when it's removed. He just needs to adjust."
"How long do you think it will take for him to wake up?"
"Why?" Draco couldn't stop himself from sneering, "Can't wait to ship us off to Azkaban?" Draco flinched at the glare sent at him from Severus but didn't back down.
Arthur's face softened and he sighed. "No, Draco. Just really want to know what's going on." He placed the tray of food by the door and gave Draco a weak smile before disappearing down the stairs again. Draco felt the next potion taken from his hand as Severus propped himself up and swallowed it without help.
"I'm an idiot, right?" Draco asked bitterly. Severus smirked slightly.
"Yes, Draco. It runs in the family."
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The rest of the day passed by quietly. Draco didn't try and leave the room again. Neither he nor Severus said another word to each other. Harry, Hermione and Ron read books in Ron's room and the order made plans for insignificant things.
Only when night fell, shading the entire house in darkness, did Draco slip from his room again.
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Draco took the stairs two at a time, barefoot and quiet. One floor board squeeked under his foot near the bottom floor but he ignored it and pressed on. No one would hear such a little noise.
He entered the empty kitchen, glad for the ethereal glow of the stars outside. The sky was clear and beautiful. He paused at the window to stare up, sighing. He could slip outside, passed the wards and be gone before they realised it but he couldn't do that to Severus. I could go get him, Draco realised but still could not make himself leave. They were safe in the Weasely's house. Not completely but they were better off there then anywhere else. Draco didn't want to die, at least not yet.
He shook his head and forced himself away from the window. He began opening and closing the cupboard doors, searching almost desperately for the potion stores. The medication for Severus wasn't working properly, he wasn't regaining all of his strength. He had suggested a different potion and Draco didn't want to ask Arthur because, quite frankly, that would just be suspicious. How could you tell if someone unconscious was regaining strength or not?
Draco sighed when he couldn't find the potions. Maybe they keep them under lock and key? Or in the bathroom.
"Looking for the good silver?" A voice behind Draco said, making him spin around defensively.
"As if the Weasley's have any," he replied promptly with a sneer. Potter glared at him but it was weak and tired, no real meaning behind it.
"What are you doing, Malfoy?" Potter asked, sounding exhausted.
Draco frowned. The hero wasn't meant to get tired! "None of your business."
"It is if you're planning something that involves us!"
"I'm not, Potty." He paused, thinking of a logical excuse. "I have a headache. I was looking for a pain relief potion."
Potter blinked, having not been expecting something that...simple. "Oh."
" Yes, 'oh'. See, not everything is a plot to destroy the world...or you."
Potter frowned. "Well excuse me if I'm slightly paranoid. I do have a Dark Lord trying to kill me!"
"Join the club," Draco snorted and turned back, missing the look of regret passing over Potter's face.
"Uhh, Malfoy?"
"What , Potter?" Draco growled, throwing open another cupboard and glaring at the pots and pans sitting innocently inside.
"The Weasley's keep their potions in the bathroom."
Draco blinked. Wait a minute, is he helping me? "Don't expect me to thank you," Draco said, spinning on his heel and closing the cupboard with a snap. He pushed passed Potter and sought the bathroom.
Potter followed quietly behind him.
"Behind the mirror," Potter suggested when they'd reached the bathroom. Draco sneered at him but quickly opened the mirror compartment. Inside was rows and rows of potions. He scanned them, finding easily pain potions, reverse-all (Draco assumed it was because of the twins), Burn Salve potion and nutrient potions.
"What color is the potion you're after?" Potter asked, still trying to be helpful. Draco couldn't help but realise there was something in the boy/man's voice similar to defeat. Oh please tell me he hasn't given up? Draco pleaded with whever god was tormenting him.
"Green," Draco lied. The nutrient potion was green, not the pain one he'd said he was after. Potter nodded and helped him move aside the other potions hiding the green ones. They made sure their hands didn't touch at all while doing so.
Draco spotted it immediately and plucked it from the cupboard. He slipped it into the pocket of his hand-me-down track pants before Potter could really look at it.
"That's it?" Potter asked quietly and Draco nodded, sneering at him for good measures. They put the potions back in tense silence. Before Draco could close the compartment, Potter reached for a white potion Draco immediately recognised as Dreamless Sleep. He picked it up and put it in the breast pocket of his red and gold pyjamas.
"Having trouble sleeping, Potty?" Draco sneered, though inwardly he was frowning. Why the hell does Potter need Dreamless Sleep?
"Like always, Malfoy," the boy-who-lived responded tersely. Those words gave Draco pause.
"Potter," Draco called out as Potter went to walk away. "How long have you been taking Dreamless Sleep?"
"Why?" Potter asked, pausing.
"Just humor me."
"Uhh, about... two months now, I think."
Draco choked. "Two months? Potter! You idiot," he growled out. Potter looked insulted, then furious but Draco barged on, not paying attention to his reactions to the insults. "That potion is for short term use only! Taking it for two months can not only melt the admittedly small amount of your brain you have but could put you into a coma." Draco snatched the white potion from the hero and turned back to the cupboard. He swung open the cupboard again and returned it to it's place, muttering under his breath. "Stupid hero, thinks he's too good to read warning labels. Should leave him to die. Bloody griffendor." He grabbed out a light, summery yellow potions and turned back to the bemused Hero. "Here. A mild relaxant. It will help you sleep with none of the side-effects of Dreamless sleep. If you must, and I'm sure you overdramatic prat will say you do, then only use Dreamless Sleep for two or three days at a time and leave at very least, a week between ingestion periods."
Potter blinked down at the potion in his hand, a slightly disbelieving look on his face. "...Thanks, Dr-"
"Oh no!" Draco interrupted. "Don't think that because I stopped you from going into a coma that you can suddenly call me by my first name. If you want to call me something other then Malfoy, feel free to call me your highness." He sneered at Potter, purposely bumping shoulders as he walked passed and back up the stairs.
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Harry turned to watch Dra-...Malfoy leave, storming back up the stairs still muttering. The potion in his hand felt warm and soothing. He pushed away the voice inside his head that tried to remind him that the blond was still a murderer. Harry didn't want to think of that.
"I guess he's not such a prat after all," Harry muttered quietly, brushing a finger over the vial in his hand.
"Who knows, they could just be shagging," Bill's voice rang out in Harry's head. "I wonder who's the girl."
"Argh!" Harry groaned, covering his ears with his hands. "Bad images!" He hurried back up the stairs towards Ron's room, trying hard to remove the image of Draco Malfoy spread out naked on a bed from his head.
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Author's Notes:
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If I say I'm sorry, will you promise not to kill me?.
...No, I didn't think so xP
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Sorry! I really didn't mean to leave this hanging for so long but shit happened and my mum's gotten even worse so I'm full time nursing her at the moment. Believe me, it's hard doing that, studies, a part time job and still have time to write.
I only get about ten minute breaks so this was written on and off for about two weeks.
I'm actually not that happy with the results but -shrugs- there's nothing I can do. I sure as hell can't rewrite it. Sorry if it's not up the the usual standard.
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This is Unbeta'd. My lovely Beta is dealing with Hurricane Ike at the moment. This will be updated with the proper version when she gets sorted again.
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REVIEWER RESPONSES: Will now be posted at my LiveJournal.
Fookyu-fookmi . Livejournal . Com / 2546 . html (Remove the spaces)
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Review my darlings!
-Liaa