Title: It's All My Fault
Author Name: Lying In An Angels Arms
Rating: R/M
Spoilers: Books 1-6. Written After Half-Blood Prince.
Pairing(s): Draco/Harry
Summary: Guilt is a funny thing. It makes the world seem so much...colder. Draco's guilty. Two deaths are on his conscious and the closest thing to a father he has now is hanging between life and death because of him. Guilt is a funny thing, it makes you wish you were dead. Draco's drowning in a sea of coldness and he can't grasp onto something. Can Harry Potter be that something?
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
BETA:
PotGra4Ever &bgreenwivy.
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/Warnings/
Slash! (Harry/Draco. Lucius/Severus)
Depression, Suicidal themes (no suicide depicted), Mild non-graphic self-harm
Strong language, Sexual scenes, mild character deaths,
Mild Potions Abuse
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Chapter Sixteen: Unbelievable (but I believe you...)
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My mother used to sing to me,
These silly little songs she'd made up
Or heard on that stupid muggle radio she had hidden in her room.
Father pretended not to know it was there
But he knew.
I caught him listening to it once
When mother wasn't home.
I can still remember the song.
"Would you dance,
If I asked you to dance?
Would you run
And never look back?
Would you cry
If you saw me crying?
Would you save my soul tonight?"
Later, I heard Severus arrive.
He didn't leave for two days
And only seconds before mother returned.
Father told me it was our little secret.
Ours.
I liked that word.
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Harry's head was telling his feet to run, but they weren't listening. Instead, he stumbled backwards, crashing into the opposite wall with a muted thud. He could hear them. They were still talking, chatting like old friends. His chest was sore. I'd thought...God, I can't believe that I'd thought...he was just lying about all this...god I'm such an idiot. He slid down the wall, resting his head back as he sat on the floor. Could I be any more stupid? I mean, they're Slytherin: stupid, selfish, uncaring, bloody SLYTHERINS.
He heard Drac-, no Malfoy, laughing from inside the room and a deeper, huskier chuckle that could have only belonged to Snape.
They sounded happy.
I can't believe that I thought he needed me to protect him. It was all just a lie.
A horrible thought came to him. Did he stage that scene with the Slytherins? Were they all in on it? Damn it!
He pushed himself away from the wall, taking the stairs two at a time as quickly as he could. Too caught up in the betrayal of an enemy, he didn't realize the racket he was making or the sudden silence coming from the room on the top floor.
He'd reached the bottom of the stairs, on the second floor, when something grabbed his arm.
He was spun around, the grasp painfully tight.
A pale faced Draco Malfoy stared back.
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The sound of footsteps, heavy on the stairs, outside the room shocked the duo into silence. Severus had been taunting Draco about his blush, though not cruelly, more out of habit. Severus had been surprised, but pleased, to hear Potter and Draco getting along, at least partially. It would have made their time together easier, but he knew it couldn't last. The two were simply not meant to be friends.
"Potter," Draco spat, staring at the door in disbelief, as they heard the footsteps getting further and further away. He didn't even spare a look at Severus. He ran to the door, throwing it open and racing after the somewhat dazed teen.
He jumped the last two steps, landing with a heavy thud though Potter didn't appear to have heard. He reached for him, grabbing his arm and tugging. The boy spun around without protest.
Draco caught his breath at the look of anger and betrayal on the-boy-who-lived-to-eavesdrop-outside-bedroom-doors' face.
"Potter," Draco hissed, "what did-"
"Let go of me," Potter cut over him, tugging at the arm in Draco's hold. The blonde's grip only tightened.
"No! Not until you tell me what you heard!"
"I don't have to obey you, Malfoy," Potter protested, "You're just a prisoner."
Draco flinched. "Potter-"
Click.
The sound of a door opening startled both of them and Potter twisted awkwardly, glancing over his shoulder. Fleur Delacour stood in the doorway of hers and Bill's bedroom, her lover standing behind her with a confused look on his face.
"Mal Foi," Fleur said with a disapproving look on her face. "'ou should not man'andle 'our 'ost!" She cast a contemplative look at Draco's pallor and Potter's expression. Her face softened. "At least not in ze 'allway." She stepped forward, grasping Bill's arm and pulling him forward, out of their room as well. "Take our room, but do not destroy eet or I vill be mad." She was smiling.
Bill frowned with both concern and distress. "What? My love, you don't know their history. They are more likely to kill each other then use our room for any proper use." The red head gave a slightly suspicious look towards Draco's bare chest, overlooking the ugly bruise forming there. Instead, his concern was over Draco's lack of clothes in Potter's presence.
Fleur gave an exasperated look to her love. "Bill, 'ou need to put zat trust in me into experiment! Trust me."
"Practice," Bill corrected half-heartedly with a sigh. He looked back to the two boys. Harry was trying to yank his arm out of Draco's hold, but the blonde was not relinquishing his hold on the boy wonder.
"Fine," Bill forced out, before pointing a finger at Draco, "But do not make me regret this." He grasped the Veela's arm. "Come on, my love, let's go see if Mum needs help with those biscuits."
Fleur looked horrified. "But zat means getting my 'ands dirty. 'ou cannot be serious. Look at zese 'ands-" Bill lead her down the hallway and down the stairs.
Harry seemed to snap out of his previous daze and glared at Draco, yanking his arm. "Let me go!" he said loudly, "Or I'll scream!"
Draco shoved the boy backwards, into the bedroom, wondering why he felt a blush heating up his cheeks as the black haired boy stumbled backwards and collapsed down onto the bed. Potter yanked himself upright so he was sitting on the edge of the bed. He rubbed his arm, as if Draco's previous grip had actually hurt.
"Don't be such a baby," Draco snapped, "I barely touched you."
"If you'd 'barely touched me', we wouldn't be having this conversation and you and your little lie-buddy would be in Azkaban right now."
Despite the seriousness of the situation, Draco couldn't help himself. "Lie-buddy? Lie-buddy? What are you, five?"
"Shut up!" Potter exploded suddenly and Draco fell back a step, trying to pass it off as his own idea. The room was heating up and Draco knew that he needed to stop this, and quickly, before Potter lost control of his magic again. He had no desire to be barbecued.
"No! Not until you listen to me!" Draco yelled back, hoping this was going to work.
It had the opposite effect that he wanted.
The room was rising dramatically in temperature. Draco felt himself begin to glisten since Malfoy's don't sweat.
"I don't have to listen to a thing that you have to say, you bastard!" Potter stood from the bed, stepping forward. Draco's back hit the door as he retreated, still glaring fiercely.
"You're right," Draco forced out, hating those words. That alone shocked Potter into silence. "You don't have to listen to me, but you at least owe Severus the chance to redeem himself."
The room was dropping back to normal now. "Why would I do that?" Potter said with a poor imitation of a glare; the flare of his magic fading, lessening his scary-appeal.
Draco took a risk. "Because you are a Gryffindor." Potter wavered. "And because you're Harry – bloody – Potter." The glare was back. Draco pushed on, "You're that push-over nice guy that can't help, but want to help people," Draco hesitated, "even bad guys like Slytherins."
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Damn him.
Harry felt his rage fading to a low simmer, bubbling just under the surface, but contained for now. He wanted to hate Malfoy, but found himself unable to because he was right. Harry could not do this without knowing why, why had this happened, why Dumbledore, why him?
Malfoy looked pitifully brave, backed against the door, facing off with a furious lion, yet he hadn't backed down. Harry looked away.
"Fuck you," Harry said blandly to Malfoy, the last of the tension seeping from his shoulders.
The relief on Malfoy's face would have been comical if the situation was not so serious. "Maybe later," Malfoy said with a faint sneer, "Right now, you're coming back to the room."
Malfoy stepped forward and before Harry could react, had grabbed his arm again and was tugging him from the room.
Harry tried to jerk it away. "I'm not going to run!" He snapped the spot where Draco's hand touched feeling uncomfortably warm.
Malfoy gave him a 'how dumb do you think I am' look and did not respond.
The stairs seemed to take forever and yet at the same time, they took too little time to climb. Within a minute, Harry found himself being dragged into the Snake's den to meet the head snake, a man he wanted dead.
I hate my life.
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Severus was sitting up on the bed, his legs hanging over the side, feet touching the ground. His black hair, once greasy and lank, was matted and tangled around his face, distractingly disarrayed. He wore the oversize Weasley sweater, his sporting a large 'B', meaning it had used to be Bill's. It swamped Severus' slight form. The sweats that Severus wore were also most likely the elder Weasley's, if not the eldest boy's. His gaze was no less potent or fierce, despite his current dress and situation.
"Snape," Potter sneered as he entered the room, dragged there by Draco who was, to Severus' faint amusement, still shirtless.
"Potter," Severus returned blandly as Draco let go of the boy's arm and closed the door behind them. Severus waved his hand and the ripple of the walls signaled a silencing spell had been put in place.
"Nice trick," Potter said, "They teach you that in traitor school?"
Severus sneered, "Yes actually, around the same time they taught me to play possum to gain sympathy."
Draco was frowning.
"So you admit you were just looking for an edge?" Potter questioned loudly, glaring.
"No," Severus replied coldly, "we were waiting for a chance."
"To kill everyone," Potter retorted.
"No," Draco took up the protest, despite the way Potter's glare easily transferred to him. "To explain."
"What? How you did it? No need," Potter sounded bitter. "I saw everything."
Draco paled, Severus did not.
"What?" The younger boy gasped.
"You were there," Severus said quietly and both teenagers turned to him in surprise. "I thought I saw something, just a brief flash of something, I thought I imagined it..."
"I was under the cloak," Potter said. "D-Dumbledore stunned me...I couldn't do anything."
Severus gave him a cold look. "Then you know full well that Draco hesitated. This was not his fault." Draco flinched trying to protest.
Potter silenced them by pulling his wand from his pocket and pointing it at Draco. "Yes it was! It is! If it weren't for him, Dumbledore would be alive!" He pointed it at Severus. "If it weren't for you, he'd still be alive!"
Severus scowled. "If it weren't for me," he snarled, "Draco would be dead. Do not expect an apology from me for choosing him!"
"Better him than Dumbledore!"
Severus knew Potter didn't mean it. Potter knew he didn't mean it. Draco didn't. Not if the way he seemed to shrink inside himself was any indication.
Potter faltered. A bastard the boy would never be. His wand wavered and Severus seized his chance. "Accio Potter's wand!" He cried and watched as the smooth branch shot from the teen's hand into his.
"Damn you!" Potter yelled, throwing himself forward only to have Draco meet him half way, grabbing his outstretched hands that had been primed to do some damage to the sitting man.
Draco and Potter were around the same size, so the scuffle lasted longer since neither had the obvious advantage. Severus had slowly risen to his feet, Potter's wand protesting in his hand despite his firm grasp, as the tussle finally ended in Draco's favor. He had pinned the other boy to the wall, one leg pressing between his and his hands holding Potter's above his head.
Neither boy seemed to realize how suggestive their pose was.
"What are you going to do now," Potter practically spat, trying to sound brave despite the pain evident in his voice. Draco seemed to have done some damage in the fight. "Kill me?"
Severus gave a small smirk. "That would be foolish, Potter. They'd know it was us. No, we won't kill you."
Potter seemed to slump against the wall, understanding dawning on his face. "Fine, I don't want to remember this anyway. I'd rather just forget you even exist, if you don't mind."
Severus raised his wand to the unresisting boy's forehead, unconsciously prodding the scar and making him wince. "I do mind actually," Severus sneered, "you'd be no fun to torment if you did not remember me." He drew himself up, gathering his magic. His mouth had even formed the first two syllables of the spell when he could force no more from his throat.
Potter's eyes, so green, stared up at him, defeated.
Severus knew at that moment he couldn't make Potter forget.
"Swear," he snapped hoarsely instead.
Both boys looked at him in utter confusion. "What?"
"Swear and I will let you keep your memories," Severus explained with distaste
"I'd rather lose them."
"You don't have a choice," Severus sneered, reaching for Potter's left hand with his own, tugging it from Draco's grasp. He pressed the Boy-Who-Just-Wouldn't-Lose's wand into Draco's hand. "You will be the binder."
Draco looked like he wanted to protest, but wisely held his tongue, Severus' expression giving nothing away.
"Do you, Harry James Potter, swear not to reveal any information you hear inside this room to anyone in any form, written, spoken or insinuated, on the penalty of betrayal?" Severus said voice taut.
Potter said nothing.
Severus' grip on his hand tightened painfully until the boy cried out quietly. "Okay, Okay! I Swear!" Potter growled and felt the unfamiliar lick of his own magic against his hand as Draco tapped the wand onto their joined hands.
"I swear it on my magic," Severus growled, giving Potter a pointed glare.
"I swear it on my magic," he forced out.
Draco tapped the wand against their joined hands again, watching the magic twine around their hands. "I bind this with my magic," Draco repeated finally and watched as the light from the magic faded to nothing, disappearing into their skin.
They were bound now. Potter would be forced to keep his silence, willing or not. Draco just hoped Severus knew what he was doing.
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Severus abruptly released his hold on Potter and the two Slytherins watched as the other boy glared at them both and left the room, without another word. They waited until they'd heard the footsteps racing down the stairs before Draco turned to the older man.
"Do you understand what you just did?" Draco demanded and Severus said nothing, turning away and sliding back into the bed. Draco scowled, but moved forward, helping the potions master settle.
"I need another potion," Severus said hoarsely. "I used too much magic." Severus pressed Potter's wand into Draco's hand.
"What do you expect me to do? The house is crawling with Aurors!"
"Draco," Severus prompted and the blonde sighed.
"Fine! Just don't be surprised if I come back in custody," Draco complained. He grabbed the Weasley sweatshirt on the bed and tugged it over his head, tucking Potter's wand into the sleeve. "I'll be back soon, don't die." Severus scowled at Draco.
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"Harry!" Hermione called out as a furious Harry Potter stalked past Ginny's room. She grabbed his arm as he passed and tugged him inside. Ron sat on the floor by Ginny's desk while the only Weasley girl sat on her bed.
"Hey guys," Harry greeted, shaking off Hermione's hold. "What's going on?"
"Harry its awful!" Hermione exclaimed as she closed the door. Ron cast a silencing spell.
"What is?" Harry had a sinking feeling in his gut, knowing he wouldn't like the answer.
"They're going to interrogate those Death Eaters," Ginny said nonchalantly. Obviously, she didn't see the 'horror' that Hermione did.
Harry froze. "What? They're just kids!"
"I know. Have you seen what the Aurors do in interrogation?" Hermione said in disgust. "They've been known to use Unforgivables. Can you believe that? I can't believe that the Ministry allows it!"
The other three looked confused. "Hermione, how the hell do you know that?" Ron was the first to ask.
"I've read some books," she muttered sheepishly.
"There are books about that?"
"Yes," Hermione said, the twinkle appearing in her eye at the thought of books. "First hand accounts of people who were wrongfully interrogated by Aurors, though most of them were incarcerated anyway. It's fascinating!"
"How could the Ministry approve of those books being in circulation?" Harry wondered.
Hermione flushed. "Well..."
"Hermione, please tell me that they're not..."
"Illegal?" she finished, before reluctantly explaining, "Not exactly. They're just out of print...and hidden away...and only really given to people who have proven their worth at certain libraries."
"Hermione!" All three of them exclaimed.
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Draco could hear Potter and his friends laughing and joking inside the Weaslette's room. He scowled as he passed and longed to walk more loudly, to draw out the other boy, but instead he lightened his steps. He couldn't risk Potter trying to stop him from seeking potions, since he now knew for who they were.
Order members crowded around the door into the lounge downstairs, causing Draco to pause on the last few steps, staring at them in confusion. Shouldn't they be inside, where he assumed the meeting was taking place?
"-stupid! Cruel, obnoxious idiots!" Molly Weasley fumed, glaring at the door. "Children! Did you see him? Barely a boy!"
Draco froze.
"I know dear," Arthur sighed, wrapping his arms around his wife. "Things would be so much different if Albus was here."
"But he's not!" Molly shrilled. "He's not and he never will be." Large tears formed in her eyes and spilled down her full cheeks.
"What are we going to do, Arthur?"
"I don't know, love, but we'll get through it," Arthur assured her. "Come, let's get a cuppa." The aging Weasley looked over his shoulder at the other people crowded around and motioned for them to follow. They did so, all casting disgusted looks at the door.
Draco waited until the kitchen door was slammed shut, the sound echoing loudly in the silent, too silent, house. Forgetting about the potions, he scrambled down the last few steps towards the door. He pressed his ear against the door, but found it silenced, no sound coming from the room. A boy. A child. Inside there. Could it...Theodore. Nott was the only one of the group that could be called boy-like. Slender and pale, he looked barely old enough to have a wand some days, though he was only a little shorter than Draco.
How the hell am I going to get in? Draco wondered, scowling at the door. Or out again if it's not Theodore. Is he really worth this? The silence around him was deafening. His imagination ran wild as to what they could be doing in there. Maybe Theodore isn't worth it, but I need to know what's going on, and stop it, if he could.
"Where's-"
"-Mum-"
"-Malfoy."
Draco spun around and immediately schooled his face into a sneer. "Where she's meant to be; in the kitchen."
The twins glared at him, though one was a little weaker than the other. "Shove off Malfoy," the one who was actually glaring snapped and stormed passed him. The other paused and raised his wand, making Draco tense. However, the spell that was fired off was a pale white, harmless to humans, and hit the door. Both boys heard the door unlock and Draco felt his brow furrow as the other twin simply left as well, without a word.
"I will never understand poor people," Draco decided and turned back to the door.
The effect was instantaneous, as he pushed the door open; the sound of screams filled the once silent house.
.
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Draco had expected something worse, like the Cruciatus curse, but then again, Theodore had always been a pansy.
An Auror stood in front of the chair, which held a particularly uncomfortable looking Theodore Nott tied to it, the ropes binding him still. He was screaming because the Auror seemed to be fighting tooth and nail against the two other men holding him back.
Theodore already had a split lip and a broken nose from what Draco could only assume was the Auror's former attack.
The scene was average at most, but it still made his blood boil.
He wasn't a Gryffindor, so the first thing he didn't do was rush in headfirst and try and rescue the tied up boy. He would wait for Potter to do that, since he knew the screams would be heard from all floors and that Potter could not resist a damsel in distress, and Theodore was certainly a damsel at the moment.
Draco moved quietly into the shadows just inside the room, convenient if a little odd. He would wait.
Slytherins were good at waiting.
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It sounded like thunder as the four raced down the stairs towards the screaming, which had lessened to a dull shriek every now and again. Harry's face was set in a dangerous scowl, Hermione's was pale and Ron looked both annoyed and confused. Ginny was just along for the ride, watching Harry's face with trepidation. What would he do? After all, she'd seen what that sweet young boy could do, if pushed.
She just hoped they wouldn't push him.
"What the bloody hell is going on here!" Ginny wasn't even sure that it was a question; it was more of a command. She shuddered and unconsciously took a step back.
She wasn't the only one retreating though.
The Auror, who had been fighting his two buddies to get another go at the tied up Slytherin, had finally stopped struggling and was practically falling over himself to back away.
In the hushed silence that followed Harry's words, no one noticed the blond haired boy slipping from the shadows and going to the chair.
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Draco's hands deftly worked at untying the rope looped around his former friend. It was spelled rope, so it had no knots; instead it had weak points where, if you pushed hard enough, the rope would give way and snap. It took more work and much longer to remove than muggle rope, making escape that much more difficult.
"Why are you doing this?" Theodore said his voice hoarse from his girlish screams. Draco glanced over his shoulder at the arguing 'Light' side, before looking back at his ex-friend with a small sneer.
"You are a prat, who probably deserves a right punch or two," Draco said snidely, but with a final glance over his shoulder, his face softened slightly. "However, I did promise to take care of you, and its one promise I'd like to keep."
Theodore's face went slack with disbelief, reminding Draco of how he'd look all those years ago.
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He'd been crying, Draco remembered, because some kids had been teasing him, taunting him because his father was old, eighty-two, when he was only four. Wizarding families sometimes started later, but even more purebloods didn't try to have kids at that age, regardless of the need for an heir. No one really knew who Theodore's mother was, since he'd just one day appeared in his father's house. He could be a pureblood or just a lowly half-blood, which was a sore point amongst all of the other children I can still remember the way he looked when I punched Genevieve Gale for calling him a 'bastard blood traitor'.
She'd run away crying and I'd sat down next to him, daintily on the dirt using my cloak to cover the ground so my pants wouldn't get dirty. I had wrapped my arms around my knees, mimicking what he was doing, and rested my cheek on the tops of my knees, facing towards his. I'd smiled at him and announced, "Its okay, Teddy, I'll protect you. Promise!" He'd started to cry again. Even as a child I'd been unable to cope with tears, so I'd just sat there, waiting for the tears to stop.
.
It's been years since I thought about that, Draco realized, watching as Theodore's shoulders slumped in defeat as the last rope fell away.
"Every time I think I can summon enough emotion to hate you, you bastard, you go and do something like this," Theodore grouched half-heartedly, rubbing his sore arms.
"It's my evil plan," Draco boasted with a smirk, "To make you crazy."
"It's working," Theodore whined and allowed Draco to grab his arm and help him stand. "Fuck, I must look awful," he muttered, reaching up a hand to prod his bleeding nose.
Draco drew his eyes up and down Theodore's form, eyes lingering on his nose and bleeding lip before he remarked nonchalantly, "No worse than usual."
.
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"There is a Dark Lord out there running rampant and the only thing you are doing is torturing a kid? Who's probably not even part of anything close to the inner circle? No wonder Voldemort thinks he's winning!" Harry snapped.
"It wasn't really torture," one of the Auror's buddies spoke up, "he just knocked him around a bit."
"Yeah," the other piped up, "he was just being a wimp."
Harry's jaw dropped and he closed his eyes, counting backwards from a hundred. He made it to ninety-eight before he snapped. "Get out!" He yelled suddenly, glaring at the Aurors.
"Hey!" the lead one snapped back, "This place is Headquarters, only the leader can tell us to leave and McGonagall was the one who sent us here."
"Yeah, sorry kid," another said, crossing his arms with a smirk, "we're not going anywhere and we have the right to interrogate as many of those no good Death Eater scum as we want." He turned his eyes on Draco, his smirk turning just a slight more evil, "Starting with you, blondie."
Harry's anger turned to fury, which turned to white-hot rage. "GET OUT!" He bellowed, startling everyone once again. "NOW!"
"You better do what he says," a cool voice said from behind him. He turned, furious and panting, to see both Arthur and Molly Weasley standing in the doorway, Ginny cowering behind them.
"Only the Leader of the Light can remove you from headquarters, true," Molly sniffed, "but this place is still my home, my children's home and Harry is my child too and if he says leave, you LEAVE!"
The Aurors, far from being scared by Harry, were practically sniveling when Molly was through. Maybe it was because she reminded them of their mothers or maybe because she looked a little too much like a mother lion defending her cub, adopted or not.
"Yes Ma'am," the leader Auror said quickly and they scrambled towards the door.
Harry felt his rage fading, amusement taking its place as he watched them turn-tail and run as fast as they could.
"Thanks Mrs. Weasley," Harry said fondly.
Molly smiled back, "You're welcome, love." She seemed unable to resist picking a corner of her apron up and using it to swipe an invisible spot his cheek. He grinned and shook his head in amusement.
.
.
Both Draco and Theodore watched Molly Weasley with a new kind of respect in their eyes.
"Did you just suddenly have a flashback to your mother?"
"Hell yeah."
"Scary..."
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Author's Note:
I'm so sorry this took forever to post! It was half finished for a long time but I just couldn't write anything. It was horrible of me I know, but I lost the will to write and only recently found it again.
My mum was put back into hospital...we got some really bad news and I've been struggling to come to grips with it. Writing was the LAST thing on my mind.
Thankfully, with a few welltimed prods from my sister, I managed to finish of the chapter Dx
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Unfortunately, no review responses this time. I just want to say THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for your reviews, you really do keep me going. If you've asked a question, made a statement that you think I need to address, please mention it in your review this time and I will do my best to respond.
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Thank you to my two wonderful new Betas, PotGra4Ever and bgreenwivy. You two are amazing, thank you so much. Any remaining mistakes are my fault xP
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Review my dears,
next chapter should be out soon, I promise!
With love,
-Liaa.